Anxiety about hanging out with friends. Is this normal??

[90s kid]

Whenever I have plans to hang out with certain friends, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that makes me want to cancel. Is this normal?? After thinking about it, I realize that it's partly because I hate answering questions about my professional and personal life when I don't have a whole lot going on in either of these areas. I fear judgment when I'm asked personal questions that I don't want to answer. As a result, when I hang out with my friends I tend to stay on superficial topics or try to focus the attention on them and their life.

 

 

I think a lot of it comes down to insecurity and not wanting to be vulnerable. I am extremely insecure about a lot of areas of my life in which I feel inadequate. Talking about it shines a light on it and makes me feel terrible about myself. The thing about it is that I'm not in a horrible place in my life. I'm a 20 something female. I would like to think that I'm fairly pretty. I have my Master's degree and I work full time in a professional office. However, many of my friends know that I've been trying to move on to another career for a while. I'm embarrassed that I'm not doing something better with my life. Also, all my female friends want to talk about are men and I don't have a boyfriend right now so discussing relationships with my girlfriends who are married or in serious relationships makes me feel bad. I also fear that I come across as uninteresting because my life mostly consists of work and my family right now.

 

 

I have dinner plans this week with someone that I've known for years and I'm dreading it. This particular friend is very sweet but I still feel afraid of judgment when we talk about certain things. How do I enjoy the time that I spend with friends instead of dreading it? How do I open up to my friends about my life without feeling vulnerable or fearing judgment?

[tlegend]

Whenever I have plans to hang out with certain friends, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that makes me want to cancel. Is this normal?? After thinking about it, I realize that it's partly because I hate answering questions about my professional and personal life when I don't have a whole lot going on in either of these areas. I fear judgment when I'm asked personal questions that I don't want to answer. As a result, when I hang out with my friends I tend to stay on superficial topics or try to focus the attention on them and their life.

 

 

I think a lot of it comes down to insecurity and not wanting to be vulnerable. I am extremely insecure about a lot of areas of my life in which I feel inadequate. Talking about it shines a light on it and makes me feel terrible about myself. The thing about it is that I'm not in a horrible place in my life. I'm a 20 something female. I would like to think that I'm fairly pretty. I have my Master's degree and I work full time in a professional office. However, many of my friends know that I've been trying to move on to another career for a while. I'm embarrassed that I'm not doing something better with my life. Also, all my female friends want to talk about are men and I don't have a boyfriend right now so discussing relationships with my girlfriends who are married or in serious relationships makes me feel bad. I also fear that I come across as uninteresting because my life mostly consists of work and my family right now.

 

 

I have dinner plans this week with someone that I've known for years and I'm dreading it. This particular friend is very sweet but I still feel afraid of judgment when we talk about certain things. How do I enjoy the time that I spend with friends instead of dreading it? How do I open up to my friends about my life without feeling vulnerable or fearing judgment?

 

By trusting in your own judgement of finding friends that.....won't judge you and like you for who you are and your values/beliefs.

 

If they judge you or tease you, then you know to hold their friendship just that much farther away....and bring in the friendships that compliment your existence and motivate you to do what makes you happy.

 

My 2 cents.

[CC12]

I hope your friends aren't teasing you or making snide comments. If so, the problem is your choice of friends.

 

I don't see anything you have to be embarrassed about. You have an advanced degree and a full-time, professional job. These are things to be proud of. You know this already, though. You just have to work on believing that you're doing pretty well for yourself.

 

In the meantime, learn how to sell it. Talk about your work - the fun or interesting things that happen in your office, any notable coworkers, your ****head boss. Talk about your family - not gossip, just share any funny/cute stories or big moments. If someone asks about your dating life, tell them you're having fun being single, or that you're way too busy to date right now, or that you met a guy you're somewhat interested in, whatever.

 

Remember, your friends aren't your friends because of your professional or romantic accomplishments, they're your friends because they like you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Also, I had the TV on in the background as I was typing this post and I heard parts of an interview with Katherine Schwarzenegger (yes she's related) about her book called, "I Just Graduated…Now What?" I'm not sure if you "just" graduated, but it seemed oddly appropriate to your situation.

 

Some excerpts from her book:

 

Although I was active, I was still pretty hard on myself, believing that others were judging me for not having it all figured out. Even if they weren’t saying it, I felt as if people were thinking, “What is she doing and why isn’t she doing more?” That voice in my head made me feel embarrassed and got me down. In retrospect, I can’t say that anyone was really thinking that about me—except, perhaps, me.

 

...

 

I wasn’t dating, was being completely antisocial, and felt as though I had nothing substantial happening in my life that made me feel good, and no project I could sink my teeth into and call my own.

 

Then she started talking about some seminar and I stopped reading. Still, though, might be a good read for you.

[90s kid]

I hope your friends aren't teasing you or making snide comments. If so, the problem is your choice of friends.

 

I don't see anything you have to be embarrassed about. You have an advanced degree and a full-time, professional job. These are things to be proud of. You know this already, though. You just have to work on believing that you're doing pretty well for yourself.

 

In the meantime, learn how to sell it. Talk about your work - the fun or interesting things that happen in your office, any notable coworkers, your ****head boss. Talk about your family - not gossip, just share any funny/cute stories or big moments. If someone asks about your dating life, tell them you're having fun being single, or that you're way too busy to date right now, or that you met a guy you're somewhat interested in, whatever.

 

Remember, your friends aren't your friends because of your professional or romantic accomplishments, they're your friends because they like you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Also, I had the TV on in the background as I was typing this post and I heard parts of an interview with Katherine Schwarzenegger (yes she's related) about her book called, "I Just Graduated…Now What?" I'm not sure if you "just" graduated, but it seemed oddly appropriate to your situation.

 

Some excerpts from her book:

 

 

 

Then she started talking about some seminar and I stopped reading. Still, though, might be a good read for you.

 

Thank you both for replying. CC12, thanks for your thoughtful response! Much of your post rang true for me.

[VeronicaRoss]

That's the difference between networking and hanging out with friends. Networking is about putting the best foot forward.

 

With friends you can talk about anything, and you don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. You can do things you enjoy that take the burden off of conversation and you can talk about celebrity gossip, or the trips you want to take, or the fun shop.

[endlessabyss]

I have this same problem sometimes. Don't feed into the fear, it's all in your head.

 

It's really not a big deal to your peers as you perceive it to be.

[preraph]

You can control the conversation and keep it from getting too deep about your situation. When they ask how you are, say "fine, busy." Don't say "broke, depressed, and disgusted." If they ask specifically about something, just respond positively. There's no law that says you have to tell all your friends every little thing!

[Trnamakesnse]

Eh I'm perpetually nervous when dealing with people no matter the circumstances. I wouldn't say it's strange. I would however ask if you are comfortable yourself with your professional and personal life, if not do you have plans to change them? Tell them your plans and be happy because I'm 27 living with family just now finished with school and have LOTS of plans and goals and I'm looking forward to my future not focusing on my present. That's what I tell my friends when they ask, and to be honest they often have the same situation I do to one degree or another. With myself being the only one to finish school.