- intepretting behaviour of female friend

[Lampers]

Hoping for advice, probably from females, on what is likely happening with me and a female friend as I am confused, but suspect I know what the deal is.

 

It's long and complicated scene setting, so please stick with me.

 

I have known this woman for just over 2 years, we worked together. Over that time period our friendship has grown from nothing (hardly spoke to each other for the first 3-4 months) to a very close friendship.

 

Our friendship had progressed to the stage where we were running partners a couple of times a week, she was teaching me how to play tennis, I was teaching her how to play golf (all initiated by her). Also we would regularly chat over coffee, both just the two of us and also in group situations, and mostly talking about work. I also have another female and another male friend with which I will regularly catch up 1-on-1 for coffee, so that is not unusual for me.

 

I am married, and over 8 years older than her. She is attractive and in very good physical shape, and she knows it.

 

In November, I finished up at my job so am no longer her colleague.

 

My wife started becoming unhappy with the amount of time we were spending together, and asked me to refrain from messaging or talking with my friend when I was at home. This was a reasonable request as it was taking me away from spending time with my wife and two children.

 

When I talked with my friend about my wife's concerns, the discussion appeared fine (although a little awkward as would be expected) and we decided to wind back the communications. Our texts had all been nonsense/rubbish for a laugh, or organising the next running/tennis/golf session.

 

The next time we met all seemed fine, we went for an early morning run with another of her female friends. Then the two of us had breakfast (as we'd done many times before) and chatted as normal for a good hour. She seemed a little distant, not making eye contact, but then chose to accompany me to a golf shop afterwards when she should've been going to work so I figured I was imagining things about her being slightly odd at breakfast.

 

From that point on I noticed a distinct change in her attitude towards me. The next time I saw her in person was another run, with the same friend of hers from the previous run. She was very clearly not making eye contact with me, engaging in conversations with her friend that I would not be able to be part of (e.g. talking about cute gym instructors at the gym they both attended which I did not attend, talking about how she caught a guy at the gym checking her out). The two of us finished a lap quicker than the friend, so it was only us. I tried to get her attention to ask what time she ran as I'd forgotten to set my timer, she pretended she couldn't hear me. When I finally got her attention, without making eye contact and playing with her timer she made some comment about the reason I was quicker was my legs are 4 inches longer than hers (I am 10 inches taller than her) and I commented my hips finish half way up her rib cage, so it's not 4 inches. She then said "But my assets above there are better than yours", seeing the obvious fish for a compliment, and knowing that my wife would not be happy if I took the bait, I replied "Depends who you ask I guess". At that point her friend finished her lap, and we went home with them refusing the offer of a ride from me even though it had started to rain and they were walking.

 

I sent her a message asking if everything was OK, and that day it had felt a bit frosty between us. She assured me everything was fine.

 

Just before and after that run text messaging between us changed in nature. She has always teased me, about going bald, about the veins that stick out of my forehead when I exercise, about me sweating alot etc. etc. I was used to that and liked the game of making a comment which allowed her to shoot me down. Her teasing was always obviously in jest and pretty quickly followed up with another comment that invited continued conversation. I would tease her about being short, being an ice queen etc. and that's how it used to go between us. But the texting from her had become quite short, quite mean and without the follow-up to show it was in good nature.

 

I was in near my old office and sent a message to her and the two other close friends saying I'd be around for about 3 hours that afternoon if any of them wanted to catch up. The other two friends met me, she didn't saying she had too much work on (which I knew was very unlikely to be true, she had always found time in the past and could've again if she wanted).

 

She then organised an event where she, I and three other male former colleagues of mine (current of hers) met at a golf driving range. She barely acknowledged my existence, not even saying hello when we all arrived and keeping her back to me. She made no eye contact at all even when we accidentally happened to be together away from the other three, but did talk to me.

 

After this I was certain something was up and she was definitely angry with me.

 

I messaged her saying I knew she was angry with me, and I wanted to know what was going on. She said she'd call me to explain.

 

When we talked, she said she was dealing with something very major in her life that had come up recently, and she didn't have the time to humour me any more. I asked why she had to be so rude to me in person, because it made me feel really bad. She replied that she feels she can be herself around her true friends like me and not put on an act, and she's not happy at the moment with the issues that have arisen and that's what I was seeing - nothing to do with me. I asked what I could do to help her, she said nothing as talking about it would leave her feeling too exposed and vulnerable, and she was already seeking professional help. She then suggested that if I was not happy with that answer, that maybe she and I should put our friendship on hiatus for a month or so to let us both calm down, and then hopefully she would've resolved the issues in her life and we could resume. This took me by surprise, and I told her I was still really confused but if that's what she needs, it's not what I want, but we'd do that.

 

I contacted a mutual friend letting her know that things were a bit weird, and I wanted them to keep an eye on her as I was concerned for her, and as we weren't communicating anymore I would have no way of telling if she was alright.

 

I got a message the next day from my friend saying that she would appreciate it if I left the mutual friend out of it, as this was "between us". I responded saying I thought she told me it was nothing to do with me, explained it was my concern for her that drove me to contact the mutual friend, but I apologised because in hindsight I could see I shouldn't have done it.

 

I stewed for the rest of the day, then sent her a message very clearly telling her I was angry, that it was not OK to have treated me so poorly, that if we were no longer friends she could do the explaining to our mutual friends as I didn't know what had happened and she was the one who wanted to stop communicating, and I was very happy to cease communications as she had suggested for at least a month.

 

She messaged me back a couple of hours later saying this backwards and forwards needed to stop, and she would call me. She called me, and stuck to her same story that something significant was happening in her life, she couldn't tell me about it, and me being needy of her time was making everything harder and was the last thing she needed. I asked her what outcomes she wanted, because all I wanted in the end was the friendship we had before. She said she couldn't promise anything, and if her history was a guide it was unlikely she'd be able to do that. She also said she needed to return a set of golf clubs and a USB key that I had given to her - I said I didn't want them back, they weren't lent to her, they were hers.

 

After discussing all of this with my wife, and researching, I could see that returning things of mine was symbolic. So I contacted her to pick up the golf clubs, and also give her back money for a concert ticket I had purchased but she had paid me for that we had intended on going to together in March.

 

We met this morning outside her apartment at 8am. She was made-up immaculately in a black dress, make-up, perfume and heels (this is normal for her, but she usually gets to work after 9am and would just be waking up at 8). She stuck to her story of her not having time at the moment to deal with me needing things from her, I said I need nothing from her anymore. I said I knew this was it for us as friends, she said given time it may not be, and we may still be friends again in the future. I said if she ever wanted to talk about what was going on, that's OK and she rolled her eyes at me.

 

And that brings me to now.

 

Is there any other logical explanation other than she was/is in love/emotionally involved with me? And if this is the case, is it possible to have any sort of friendship again in the future, or is that unfair on her to try for that?

 

Is there any chance she has something going on in her life that is genuinely completely unrelated to me that would drive this behaviour?

 

Help please.

[nescafe1982]

Well, for starters, I think you screwed up big time when you told your friend that your wife was uncomfortable with the intimacy you guys shared. That did not honor your wife's right to privacy and probably made her look like the bad guy. It also seems to have made the whole thing unbearably awkward for all involved (even more so). You should not disclose decisions made jointly with your wife to other women... it's a serious boundary you crossed there.

 

Speaking of boundaries: your friendship with this woman was probably too intimate. I think you see that now.. so I won't dwell on it too much. Your female friend probably felt led on by the way you two carried on. Did she develop feelings? Who knows? And frankly... as long as you are married, it's not your right, or your business, to know that. Don't pursue that matter with the friend.

 

Your friendship lacked boundaries. Your wife voiced her concern (good for her btw, sounds like that would have gone reasonably well if it had ended there). Then you told the female friend about the wife's concern.... which again demonstrates a lack of appropriate boundaries. My guess is this female friend reflected on the friendship, realized it was inappropriate, and has been struggling to figure out how to institute the right types of interactions with you ever since.

 

The best thing you can do right now is back off. If you pursue this female friend, you're going to make this matter worse. If you get angry, involve other people, or insist she talk to you more deeply, you will likely lose her friendship forever.

 

She's working on something right now. She's told you she needs space. That she doesn't want to talk about it with you. Believe her, and give her the space she asked for. Try not to get angry with her for it. And accept that she's drawing a boundary with you.

 

Actually, this could be a good exercise for you both. Even though it probably sucks and hurts right now.

 

And in the meantime, sort out what makes you seek intensely intimate female connections with women who aren't your wife. It is possible this was a one-off kind of deal (only with this one person).... but if it does become a pattern for you, you will find your marriage affected. Take some time to figure out how you might better construct and maintain boundaries with female friends in the future. Try not to focus on your friend's possible issues... work on your own instead. My advice.

Edited January 14, 2014 by nescafe1982

[Lampers]

Well, for starters, I think you screwed up big time when you told your friend that your wife was uncomfortable with the intimacy you guys shared. That did not honor your wife's right to privacy and probably made her look like the bad guy. It also seems to have made the whole thing unbearably awkward for all involved (even more so). You should not disclose decisions made jointly with your wife to other women... it's a serious boundary you crossed there.

 

Speaking of boundaries: your friendship with this woman was probably too intimate. I think you see that now.. so I won't dwell on it too much. Your female friend probably felt led on by the way you two carried on. Did she develop feelings? Who knows? And frankly... as long as you are married, it's not your right, or your business, to know that. Don't pursue that matter with the friend.

 

Your friendship lacked boundaries. Your wife voiced her concern (good for her btw, sounds like that would have gone reasonably well if it had ended there). Then you told the female friend about the wife's concern.... which again demonstrates a lack of appropriate boundaries. My guess is this female friend reflected on the friendship, realized it was inappropriate, and has been struggling to figure out how to institute the right types of interactions with you ever since.

 

The best thing you can do right now is back off. If you pursue this female friend, you're going to make this matter worse. If you get angry, involve other people, or insist she talk to you more deeply, you will likely lose her friendship forever.

 

She's working on something right now. She's told you she needs space. That she doesn't want to talk about it with you. Believe her, and give her the space she asked for. Try not to get angry with her for it. And accept that she's drawing a boundary with you.

 

Actually, this could be a good exercise for you both. Even though it probably sucks and hurts right now.

 

And in the meantime, sort out what makes you seek intensely intimate female connections with women who aren't your wife. It is possible this was a one-off kind of deal (only with this one person).... but if it does become a pattern for you, you will find your marriage affected. Take some time to figure out how you might better construct and maintain boundaries with female friends in the future. Try not to focus on your friend's possible issues... work on your own instead. My advice.

 

Thanks - makes a lot of sense.

 

Definitely a one off, I got to 37 years old without having something like this happen, so I don't think it should be a repeating problem. In reflecting on the history, I can see I was sought by her (which still surprises me), I didn't consciously do any seeking.

 

But I can only concentrate on my part in this, and I need to be more alert of what might be happening in future interactions (not with my ex-friend, we are crystal clear now that we won't be friends). In hindsight, I had suspicions but didn't want it to be the case. I was able to find ways to justify the warning signs as something else innocent.

 

When she tried to make me jealous by talking about a man at the gym she thought was attractive, I didn't think it was anything because the man she described was so different to me.

 

When she would ask me to come for a run with her, I didn't think it was anything because we were both training for the same race and a training partner is really helpful.

 

When she asked if I wanted to grab some dinner after work drinks, I didn't think it was anything because there were always some other colleagues with us, and we were hungry, right?

 

It's all very clear in retrospect, but I couldn't (or didn't want to) see it in the moment which I'm disappointed with myself for.

 

I can also see how some of my behaviour could've encouraged her if she was in the opposite position to me - wanting to interpret potential signs as genuine somethings.

 

I do take a big portion of blame for this.

[Survivor12]

Personally, I commend her for respecting your wife's feelings. Your wife being uncomfortable enough to say something to you about it should have been all the proof you needed to see that your friendship had grown to a level of being inappropriate. It was for your friend. Even if your friendship was truly innocent (which is a hard sell based on the gifts), the fact that it made your wife unhappy was reason enough to back off and focus on your marriage.

 

Whether this woman backed off out of respect or because she realized that she was on a slippery slope because she had feelings for you doesn't matter. It's her business and her choice--and you need to accept it. Not doing so and continuing to pry about her reasons and involve others is disrespectful to both women.

 

Leave her alone. Stop pursuing her under the pretense of concern and trying to get her to tell you how she feels in the hope that she'll confess love for you. Stop playing dumb and pretending that you are too naive to understand. If you don't, you're going to end up without her, without your mutual friends and, quite possibly, without a wife.

[nescafe1982]

I will +1 kudos for you for looking at this reasonably, with a perspective of "what was my role?" and "what can I change?"

 

That is a good, healthy way to approach it.