Respecting Boundaries

[happywithlife]

Had an interesting situation occur and would love to hear what other people would do, if they were in my shoes, to help me see all the different sides to the issue:

 

My friend texted me this Friday asking if I would give my YMCA membership card to my ex-husband so he could take the kids to open gym because her kids wanted to play with mine. I responded that I was uncomfortable with the idea and did not want to let him in under my membership as he has a history of disregarding rules and didn't want that to have a negative affect on my membership. (Aside: Ex has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having borderline personality disorder and has a history of disregarding rules he feels are unnecessary).

 

So, I find out last night that the ex ended up taking the kids to the YMCA and told them he forgot to get the membership cards from me and they let him in with the kids. (Found it out b/c my daughter had an "oops I forgot my card" slip of paper in her coat pocket from the Y).

 

I contacted the YMCA. They now have it in the computer that no adult is allowed to take the kids to the YMCA without my written consent.

 

I then contacted my friend and calmly told her that I found out about last Friday and am upset with the situation as I had told her that I did not want me ex to use my membership.

 

She said that she was not trying to pull a fast one on me and had already invited the ex before asking me if it were ok for him to use my membership. When I said no she felt like she couldn't go back and change the plans with him. So she was going to sign him and the kids in as her guest but found it to be less of a hassle and less paperwork to have them say they forgot my membership cards and I had given permission for this to occur.

 

I have been friends with this lady for about 10 years. But at this point feel like she really disregarded my boundaries. Part of me wants to say, I can't really trust her and therefore should not put the effort into a friendship with her. Part of me says, should I "throw away" a friendship over this?

 

I know there is no clear right or wrong solution to the problem. But, would love to hear what others would do in this situation to help me weigh options and handle this in a mature, adult way.

 

Thanks!

[GG3]

Wait a second...is this friend working out with your ex-husband?

[happywithlife]

No. It was an open gym for kids. My ex gets my kids two weekends a month. My friend's kids wanted to play with my kids at open gym.

[GG3]

Yeah but your ex and your friend are at the gym at the same time? They both talk to each other?

[Art_Critic]

What is your purpose for being so hardcore about the membership, it was being used for your kids...

 

IMO, the big picture.. the children are being missed here...it seems like petty bickering to get back at the ex rather than laying down a healthy boundary for the sake of the kids seems to be prevalent.

 

I hope you work it out...your friendship that centers around your children should be more important than who uses a membership that is for the kids to begin with.

[happywithlife]

I agree the kids should come first and that is why I don't want the ex using the membership. He has a history of getting kicked out of places and fired from jobs b/c he refuses to follow rules. I don't want to loose my membership to the Y due to his behavior b/c I only use it for the kids - open gym, swimming, etc. I told my friend we could go w/ her the following Friday or she could sign the kids and my ex in as her guests so that they could still go and if he misbehaved it wouldn't impact my kids ability to go in the future. They ignored my clearly laid out boundaries b/c "the guest paperwork takes too long and it quicker to say they forgot the membership cards."

[SpiralOut]

I would be angry too if someone disrespected my wishes. It is your membership card so it's for you to decide if others get to borrow it. I think also that we need to pick and choose our battles. I would let this one go. They know how you feel about it and nothing more can be done. Hopefully they will know better next time. I would pay attention to see if this sort of thing happens again. If it becomes a pattern, then it might be time to talk to her again.

 

And just because this is for the kids, that doesn't make it okay for your ex to walk all over your boundaries. When they see that happening, they learn from it - learn how to treat you, and what treatment to accept from others.

Edited October 21, 2013 by SpiralOut

[CC12]

He has a history of getting kicked out of places and fired from jobs b/c he refuses to follow rules. I don't want to loose my membership to the Y due to his behavior

 

(Aside: Ex has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having borderline personality disorder and has a history of disregarding rules he feels are unnecessary)

 

Does your friend know these things about him? I think the answer to that question is pretty crucial in deciding whether or not to end the friendship. What she did was wrong, but if she was not aware of his history, I'd probably forgive her and ask her to be more respectful of boundaries. This is assuming that she's generally been a good friend to you in the past. She backed herself into a corner by inviting him to use your membership before asking you if it was okay, and she probably didn't know how to gracefully get herself out. Or she was just lazy about it. Hopefully you can convince her that she needs to be more mindful in the future.

 

But if she knew that your ex has these issues, and she knew fully well that she was putting your membership at legitimate risk, then I'd probably let the friendship cool off significantly.

[lollipopspot]

I would have let them use my card. Then if he did something to get himself kicked out I would have explained to the Y that it was him - they would know that already - and henceforth they should not let HIM in - I don't know why you would be banned too.

[happywithlife]

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm going to speak with my friend, in private and not when the kids are around, to tell her that I am upset with my boundaries being ignored, especially since she does know the history of my ex and has herself had issues with him. I am going to, nicely, let her know that I cannot have my boundaries ignored when it comes to my ex and if she then chooses to ignore my wishes, I would have to sadly discontinue the friendship. I think giving her fair warning is the polite thing to do.

[KathyM]

Personally, I think you're making too much out of this. Not worth ending a friendship over. Next time, if there is a next time, tell your ex you are not loaning out the card because of his history, and he'll have to pay the fee to get into the Y. Then notify the front desk that no one is allowed to use your card except for you and your children.

[happywithlife]

The Y already knows that he is not to use my membership card any more. I called them as soon as I found out.

 

The reason I am upset with my friend is that my friend and my ex both stood there together and lied that I had given them permission to use my membership and that I simply forgot to give him the cards. She could have taken the responsibility of his actions by signing him and my kids in as guests. But, they choose not to do so because it would take more time to do that paperwork than lie. And this was after I told her I did not want my ex to use my membership.