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Would skipping out on a wedding I RSVP'd likely end a friendship?


IcedEarth

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I posted about a friend of mine basically acting like a royal idiot since he announced his wedding. Please refer to the below link if you want more backstory:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/415101-my-friend-has-become-insufferable-since-he-announced-his-marriage

 

To recap quickly, the most egregious thing he did was say, basically, we're not good enough friends for him to consider putting me in his wedding party. This is so messed up to me and my strict "honor code" that it started me down the path of despising him.

 

Worse yet, he apparently added a co-worker he only kind of knows to his wedding party and claims he was drunk and it was an accident as a result of said co-worker's girlfriend being in his fiance's wedding party.

 

I also skipped his bachelor party on principle, and because I went to Canada with the girlfriend. As far as I know, he has no idea that I'm fed up with him even though our mutual friends know.

 

Now he's having a kid with his fiance, and the wedding is coming up in 6 days and I'm seriously debating not going despite RSVPing.

 

So my question is, should I or shouldn't I go? He may not even notice/care, or it may finally be a kick in the teeth to get him to stop acting like an asshat. Mind you, there are a bunch of other reasons he's being obnoxious and others are mad at him, but they're more forgiving.

 

I have no place in my life for someone who's acting like him, and then holding parties to fundraise for his wedding while he goes out and buys expensive gadgets. If he needed the money so bad, he shouldn't have been able to buy those!

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I'd tell you it's about your social group. If you're good living with them OR moving on - please yourself. You've put waaaay too much drama into this.

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I'd tell you it's about your social group. If you're good living with them OR moving on - please yourself. You've put waaaay too much drama into this.

 

Are you the arbiter for the acceptable levels of drama? Please explain what is the acceptable amount of drama for feeling betrayed by someone you did a lot of stuff for and considered an actual friend. The rest of the social group ain't changing.

 

Enlighten me.

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You despise the guy. You're affronted. You've found his ethics on fund raising, food stamps and buying merchandise reprehensible. Why then would you attend the wedding OR the reception?

 

One might pose the argument to you that your anger is ruling reasonable thoughts allowing you to forgive his a actions in future time.

 

Other than that I'd expect that you'll separate from him, his wife and children.

Your common friends will then make their own decisions as to joint social events

 

It's difficult from reading your story to determine if the primary affront was not including you in the wedding party or the rest of it.

 

It reads as if your venting is limited to LS.

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Would skipping out on a wedding I RSVP'd likely end a friendship?

 

In this case, probably, and perhaps that's a healthy thing. Relationships change in life and people move on. Normal. Good luck.

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You despise the guy. You're affronted. You've found his ethics on fund raising, food stamps and buying merchandise reprehensible. Why then would you attend the wedding OR the reception?

 

One might pose the argument to you that your anger is ruling reasonable thoughts allowing you to forgive his a actions in future time.

 

Other than that I'd expect that you'll separate from him, his wife and children.

Your common friends will then make their own decisions as to joint social events

 

It's difficult from reading your story to determine if the primary affront was not including you in the wedding party or the rest of it.

 

It reads as if your venting is limited to LS.

 

I believe I said explicitly that I don't care about not being included in the wedding party, at all. I care that he said "We're not good enough friends for that, why would I include you?" which is the problem. I don't care about being in anyone's wedding party, it's how he said it that's the issue.

 

I guess I didn't include that explicit line, although I outlined it:

 

"So first, four of us are on a camping trip and Lenny(friend getting married) is talking about the wedding party, which happens to include the other two guys on the trip but not me. Now I understand why, they grew up with him and I've only known him for around 7-8 years total, so that's fine."

 

I would go to the wedding because I already RSVP'd and am being pushed to by all my other friends going. I'm ignoring the friend I'm pissed at entirely if I can help it. However, if I don't go it may end up causing further issues down the line (obviously, do I have to say this?) with him and others, in the case that it ever gets resolved.

 

I don't know what my venting here or anywhere else matters personally, but no I've been quite clear about it with mutual friends and they just go "He's an idiot, and he pisses me off, but don't let it get to you". It doesn't work that easily for me however.

Edited by IcedEarth
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Backing out of a wedding invite six days before the event, or just not showing up at all, would kind of be a slap in the face. So yes, you should go. They've already planned and paid for XX people. You'd send a big message by not attending, and you'll have wasted their money, which tends to piss people off more than usual. Imagine that.

 

He may not even notice/care,

 

He will notice/care, eventually.

 

or it may finally be a kick in the teeth to get him to stop acting like an asshat.

 

You not going to his wedding will not get him to stop acting like an asshat.

 

If you're done with the friendship and don't care how they feel, then definitely don't go. They probably wouldn't want someone at their wedding who despises him.

 

he has no idea that I'm fed up with him even though our mutual friends know.

 

So you don't tell him directly that you have problems with him, but you tell your mutual friends about it? Seems gossipy.

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I believe I said explicitly that I don't care about not being included in the wedding party, at all. I care that he said "We're not good enough friends for that, why would I include you?" which is the problem. I don't care about being in anyone's wedding party, it's how he said it that's the issue.

 

I guess I didn't include that explicit line, although I outlined it:

 

"So first, four of us are on a camping trip and Lenny(friend getting married) is talking about the wedding party, which happens to include the other two guys on the trip but not me. Now I understand why, they grew up with him and I've only known him for around 7-8 years total, so that's fine."

 

I would go to the wedding because I already RSVP'd and am being pushed to by all my other friends going. I'm ignoring the friend I'm pissed at entirely if I can help it. However, if I don't go it may end up causing further issues down the line (obviously, do I have to say this?) with him and others, in the case that it ever gets resolved.

 

I don't know what my venting here or anywhere else matters personally, but no I've been quite clear about it with mutual friends and they just go "He's an idiot, and he pisses me off, but don't let it get to you". It doesn't work that easily for me however.

If you want to keep him as your "friend" then go to the wedding.

If you do not care, then don't go, but be aware that not going will send a very clear signal to him and all your friends about your true feelings. Depending on how close your other friends are and how good their relationship with him is and how much drama they like, it might cause quite a rift between you, him AND your other friends. I've done something similar before and then had to realize I suddenly didn't have anybody anymore. I still continued thinking that the group dynamics turned most of them into idiots, but it still sucks when you're suddenly bereft of one of your usual social groups. On the other hand, one friend of mine from this group that I did like in particular is still here and I went to her wedding recently.

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Backing out of a wedding invite six days before the event, or just not showing up at all, would kind of be a slap in the face. So yes, you should go. They've already planned and paid for XX people. You'd send a big message by not attending, and you'll have wasted their money, which tends to piss people off more than usual. Imagine that.

You mean they money from the event they hosted to collect money for the wedding? :D

 

So you don't tell him directly that you have problems with him, but you tell your mutual friends about it? Seems gossipy.

That is a good point. It would be a good way to close the friendship without feeling too guilty about it.

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You're an adult, these things happen in life.

 

Weigh up the pros and cons of each decision, taking into account your feelings towards each likely outcome, then choose what sits best with you.

 

Why have you not just spoken to him face to face? Nothing would piss me off more than a friend going around telling all of our mutual friends how annoyed they are at my behaviour, without even having a conversation with me about it. I find that quite immature to be honest.

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No, I don't think you should go to the wedding. It would be awkward for you if you did.

 

And I don't think you'll feel better about this situation until you meet with your friend to talk about everything you've posted about here. I think it will clear everything up for you both and either end the friendship or make it stronger (even though your friend said he didn't think of you as a close friend to include you in his wedding party).

 

Life is too short to hold on to anger and leave issues unresolved and not discussed. Meet with your friend and see what happens. Good luck.

 

I was in a similar situation years ago with a friend like yours who was engaged to be married. We were not best friends but were good friends. She didn't include me in her wedding party and told me the same thing: "I don't consider you a close enough friend" so I felt hurt, and didn't go to her bridal shower either. I told her that my feelings were hurt that she didn't include me even in a very minor role in her wedding because we went to college together and so we knew each other for 6 years. Her fiance didn't like me at all -- he was very controlling of her and didn't like that I would directly tell him to stop trying to control my friend. So I didn't attend her wedding and our friendship ended. Do I miss her? Sometimes but I'm glad I was honest with her about my feelings. If I hadn't been honest and had gone to her wedding I would have felt like I'd betrayed myself, if that makes any sense?

 

In the end, you may have to disappoint some people to be true to yourself.

Edited by writergal
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