Bigcitydreamer Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 I just wanted to get some opinions from people on this situation and what you would do if you were in it. I have been friends with this girl for 2 years. She was in an abusive relationship for the entire length of our friendship. I did the usual pleading with her to get out, that it wasn't her fault he was mean to her, but she held on to the bitter end, and she has a child with him. Things escalated between them until she had no choice but to leave because her life and her child's life were becoming at risk. She left him in the middle of the night after being with him/ abused by him for 4 years. This all happened 3 weeks ago. Her daughter is 3 years old. She met a guy a week ago at a bachelorette party. She said she wanted time alone to stabilize herself and focus on her daughter as they are both in vulnerable states. But she ended up meeting this guy 1 week ago at a party and they have since been attached at the hip. Their first weekend "dating/ talking" he stayed at her house the entire weekend.. She told me of how her daughter loves this guy and they all had a big sleep over in her bed, all 3 of them and the little girl was cuddling the guy. She said he was very good with her daughter and she cried when he left. I just don't know if I'm the only one who sees how crazy this is. I think it's a terrible idea to bring a new man in that fast. I'm normally not judgemental and easily swayed that things aren't that bad but I can't get over this. To me it's a very bad judgement call and I can't for the life of me wonder why she can't see the risk to her child. I told her if it was me I'd slow down just in case her kid got too attached and she said "I know he's a good person though and I don't care what people think". I'm wondering if I'm mean for even judging her for this. I don't want to be a bad person and judge people who have been through things in their lives but I find it hard to sit and listen to her talking about them having a group cuddle, when really I feel like asking her if she's nuts. I find it hard to be sympathetic to some bad choices. I am in no place to judge someone. I have made my share of mistakes but for some reason I'm angry with her and feel it shows she is way too different from me and as friends we aren't compatible. What do you guys think of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Princess Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Yuck. This gave me shivers. This is wrong. Very wrong. She doesnt know this man yet has her child in bed with him? She doesnt know what hes capable of. You need to know someone completely before involving a child, and the poor girl will be so upset if it doesnt last. I wouldnt trust any one male or female with my child that iv only known for a matter of weeks. I will certainly not have my child in the same bed! I think she will take your concerns the wrong way if you bring it up though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks for the reply! I did sort of voice my concerns to her and she did take it the wrong way. I can't really voice stuff with her and she never follows my advice. She has done other things that I disagree with too but this one takes the cake for me. The other stuff she did wasn't smart either in my opinion and when I tried to give my advice on it, it was shot down like I don't know what I'm talking about and the rules don't apply to her. I'd explain some of the stuff but she might identify me if I reveal much more. I just wonder if its possible to be friends with someone if you are not like minded in situations such as this or do you have to have similar beliefs. I'm guessing beliefs do come into play since people relate to their friends. Her actions are showing me that we have very little in common. I'm considering fading the friendship out, which sucks because she is a good friend to me in other ways. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Of far greater importance: Just what do youuuuuuuuuu have invested in all of this??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Good question, I guess the fact that I talk to her once a day on the phone for like an hour. She lives in a different town than I and I consider her one of t best friends. She calls me her best friend. We talk a lot and she is a great listener of what's going on in my life so I am expected to do the same. But when she tells me stuff like this I find it hard to talk to her. It's hard calling someone your "one of your closest friends" when you disagree with them on something of this nature. As friendships go she is one of my closest friends at the moment. I invest a lot of time talking to her and I talk to her about my life a lot. Maybe it's worth investing my time in people who I can tolerate better. Link to post Share on other sites
StrongLass Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Maybe it's worth investing my time in people who I can tolerate better. Bingo. Part of being a good friend is taking into account your friends' perspectives on problems/events in each other's lives, even if you disagree. Obviously this girl (I don't care if she's technically full grown, she's clearly immature/naive about HEALTHY relationship basics) isn't doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Yuck. This gave me shivers. Yeah. I find it hard to be sympathetic to some bad choices I don't blame you. It would be one thing if a friend simply made bad dating choices. Bad parenting choices are completely another thing. And what she's doing isn't just a "bad" choice, it's hugely irresponsible and puts her child in direct risk of danger. I think I've been where you are before. A friend does something really bad, really gross, and you feel, like, a profound disappointment in them. You can't really look at them the same way anymore. They may have been a good friend, but your feelings are your feelings, and they seem to be making your mind up for you over the "Should we still be friends" question. So I would suggest that you at least take a break from the friendship, if not end it for good. She's going to be busy with her new boyfriend and the surrounding drama, anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 t i cant judge for bad choices i make them myself....bringing a guy into my bed and in and around my girls luckily isnt one of them...... the little girl is going to be really confused probably and that isnt fair.....its been so little time for the girl to acclimatise for her dad not to be around and adapt...she needs her mum... my kids were older when i split and when i started to explore dating after actually closer to 11 months ......they started to act up...i never introduced a guy to them or allowed a guy inside my house....i would get out at the kerb .....and i decided pretty quickly that they needed me more than i needed a date.... i wll still not let a guy sleep in the same bed with me....i have to show my daughters what is right and how a guy can respect me and love me and i can have happiness....without it being between sheets....seeing how their father has relinquished responsibility fro that ...ill take it on...i will show them that kind of respect that a real man can offer and hopefully they will take it with them when they eventually meet a guy......thats how i feel....its all coming back to girls will follow a mothers behavior or more likely to once they stop rebelling and becoem normal again, if you not only say what you should do, but you live what you should do.......and then, they see it for themselves......the rest is words.....your friend is in for trouble when her daughter gets older..she is learnign young.....i dont think it is appropriate and the daughter is the one who is going to be at risk by this sort of behavior as well...it is unusual fro a guy who just met a three year old to be hugging her in a mothers bed all together half clothed, probably a bit risky.............i hope your friend sees the light.....i wish you luck in helping her see that.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 Thanks for the heartfelt replies guys! I'm glad I'm not the only one who's experienced this with a friend. I also make mistakes and I try not to judge but my view of her has changed unfortunately. I thought she was more responsible than that. I guess I will take a break from the friendship for now and let some time pass but in my experience when a break is taken its never usually repaired. Kinda like a breakup lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 4, 2013 Share Posted September 4, 2013 Maybe it's worth investing my time in people who I can tolerate better. ... which, of course, is something you would have done long ago had the answer you offered to my question been complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigcitydreamer Posted September 5, 2013 Author Share Posted September 5, 2013 I don't follow.. Can you explain? Link to post Share on other sites
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