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Envious friend goes completely crazy


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Hi all, I'd really appreciate some advice on some issues I feel have come up between me and a good friend of mine.

 

My friend and I have been studying for the same degree at university since 2010. We've supported each other through all the deadlines and stress of student life, and have been very close for a number of years.

 

Trouble is, my friend takes it very, very personally when things don't go his way - for example, after more than two years he's still literally obsessed with hating a lecturer who gave him a B+ instead of an A- for an essay on the MA. When we graduated from the MA, I got a first honors, but my friend didn't. He was very upset about this, which in itself was fair enough, but he started taking it out on me, sneeringly referring to me as 'Little Miss First' and making dismissive comments about my topic and 'how easy I have it'. I decided to cut him some slack, since I knew how hurt he really was.

 

This year, we both applied for a scholarship to help pay for our studies. The process of applying is extremely stressful and demanding, and there are nowhere near enough scholarships to go around. I'd been rejected for it once before, but this year I got it. My friend didn't. I feel like this has really sent him into a tailspin of envy and resentment. I would never dream of bragging about this, but I'm hurt that all he managed was one small 'congrats' - before launching into rants about how the people awarding the scholarships are corrupt idiots who don't see the value of *his* research, how he'd actually hate working with these barbarians, how unfairly everyone treats him, and how easy it is for everyone else. He almost makes me feel like I should apologize for getting the first and the scholarship, since he acts like I did it only to spite him and that I somehow got it without *really* deserving it.

 

This is just a few weeks ago. He's been behaving crassly ever since. He constantly makes dismissive comments about my own work and the scholarship, but tries to make it sound like just innocent teasing. Worse yet, he's started spouting bile about women - any woman who annoys him, even very slightly, is a bitch, a whore and a c*nt. Women are physically disgusting and nauseating. The other night, after some wine, he even told me to my face that 'women can never be good academics' because 'all women are so emotional and spiteful'. Talk about projecting.. He's also become paranoid about everyone else at the university, and how 'they're all out to spite him'.

 

We went to a party at another friend's house last Saturday. By the time I got there, he was already totally wasted - and he is not a friendly drunk these days. To my horror, he made loud racist jokes which made everyone cringe (he claims he just loves to shock people but means nothing by it...), and then loudly made fun of an overweight girl who was also at the party. I got angry and challenged him on it, and he claimed he was 'just joking' and that 'these losers', meaning the other people at the party, totally all deserved it. Then he launched into me once again. He drunkenly "joked" that the country I'm from was totally nazi-friendly, that my religion is retarded compared to his (he's technically a Catholic, I'm technically a Lutheran), that I'm a ****ty cook, that my area of research is so easy compared to his - even that one of these days, he's going to invite me to dinner and serve what he'll claim is chicken, but actually it will be rabbit, because he knows I once had a pet rabbit I really loved... Seriously. I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

 

But whatever horrific thing he says, he will always claim afterwards was just an innocent joke that he didn't really mean, and act all surprised if anybody is angry.

 

Other times, he'll be completely sweet, but then say things like 'ohh, you're such a genius, everything you do is so brilliant and wonderful, and I'm just a fat useless idiot...' Like he's fishing for compliments. But when he's not being crazy, he'll do absolutely anything for his friends, and is so kind and gentle and caring.

 

I'm at my wit's end. I don't want to break off this friendship, because crazy as that sounds after what I just wrote, we go way back and have had really great times... when he wasn't nuts. Challenging him has failed so often that I'm starting to wonder if he actually goes selectively deaf whenever I complain about his behavior. So far I've put him on ice.

 

What do you think? Am I being naive to hope that this behavior will eventually stop? Should I try to reason with him? And what on earth is really going on with him??

 

Oops, so this ended up being a super long post... Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any thoughts on this mad circus!

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What do you think? Am I being naive to hope that this behavior will eventually stop? Should I try to reason with him? And what on earth is really going on with him??

 

I don't think you should expect the behavior to eventually stop. It doesn't seem like he's just going through a rough patch and said some dumb stuff. These things - the racism, misogyny, always playing the victim and never taking responsibility for anything - are personality traits that don't just go away.

 

And you can't even excuse them by saying, "Yeah, my friend has some racist, misogynist beliefs and some bad habits, but it's never been directed at me, so I can overlook them." He's been terrible to you. He's pretty open about how he doesn't think you deserve what you've achieved (even if he hasn't come right out and said that exact thing, he's come close enough) and then he finally went off the deep end and deliberately insulted just about everything about you. You should not stand for that.

 

If you had written the exact same things about a boyfriend, I would have suggested that you're in an abusive relationship and to get help. He shares a lot of the same traits as an abuser. I encourage you to look it up. It's good to be able to look out for these things and stay away from them.

 

Take his drunken meltdown as a good opportunity to put an end to the friendship.

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ChristopherRobin

That guy has some psychological issues to work out with a therapist. He is playing the "victim", which means that everyone in the world (including you) is out to get him. He will insult, begrudge your accomplishments, etc. Anything to make him feel better and that everything is against him.

 

In your shoes, I would detach myself from him as much as possible while he is acting destructively. If he gets mad or hurt, you can explain to him that he has been making you feel bad, that you still want to be friends, and that when he has things figured out and wants to act like a friend again (friends provide positive support; they aren't a friend if they drag you down) you'd love to see him more often.

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Passive aggressive. Hard to be balanced. Learn what you can on the subject and then learn to run , not walk to the nearest health care place. Being around that behavior and attitude has created an obscure perception of what is acceptable. Its not healthy for you. Genuine "friends" tolerate quirks but not to that level in which you transcribe.

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