what else to do?

[headsashed]

Right, this is not about me, its about a friend and im literally stuck on what help I can give her, if I should, ive used all my experience with break ups but its not helping anymore, ill tell you the brief story.

 

Ive known this female friend for sometime now, I knew she was in a relationship etc but never knew more than that, anyway, about a month ago she came to my local shop which is only a few doors down from me, crying her eyes out and wanting the police, as me and my neighbour are friends with her we rung the police and then took her to calm down and this is where everything came out. She told us that her bf had held her hostage and had been beating her, the bruises etc were visible, she said he had been beating her for many years. So my neighbour said she could stop at her house for a few days so she felt safe, after a few days she said she was too scared to go home so I offered my spare room to her, she accepted. More stories about her ex were told, how he made her sell her things to buy him weed and if she didn't he would beat her, hes choked her, hit her with weapons etc, some stories were terrible.

 

The police kept coming to my house to check on her and always asked if she had heard from her bf,well ex, she told the truth, said that he had contacted he a few times via facebook, I saw the messages and she always told him to leave her alone etc. She was listening to my advice on breakups and seemed to be doing really well, she was also helping around the house for me letting her stop at mine, she literally seemed to be doing really well.

 

As the weeks went by she told me more stories, how she had her child took off her because she kept going back to her abusive ex, how her ex had been to prison before for beating her, she even has a restraining order against him.

 

Fast forward to Friday, things seemed normal, she woke me up with a coffee when I had to be up for work, she seemed cheerful and went to town to see her friends, that was the last time I had seen her, I was blocked on facebook, ofcourse I was worried so I rang her and all I got was abuse, she told me she loves her ex and is getting back with him and will call for her things the next day, which she never came.

 

Me and my neighbour were gobsmacked, after helping her out she has done a U-turn and gone back to her violent ex, were both worried about her and have just run out of things to do to help her now, I know the police are still after her ex and he will goto prison, but what else can we do, we have tried everything and she just keeps going back to him.

 

I know some of you may think that I have done things with her because she was stopping at mine but I promise you that nothing ever happened, I was merely a friend that tried to help. Like I said, ive used all my knowledge to help her but its obviously not worked. Sorry for the rant, im just lost on what to do, people have told me and my neighbour to just leave her alone but her ex is a violent man and her life could be in danger. Just to state something, I was never scared of him coming here because he was just a drug addicted woman beater. Any advice would be great

[Omei]

You may want to post this in abused forum.

 

Anyway here's what I can tell you, My first BF was an physical and verbal abuser for 5 years.

 

In my opinion YOU have done everything you can! And the only other thing you can do is keep that door open for her when she's truly ready to leave the relationship I can tell you her way of thinking, perhaps...

 

Abuser's are master manipulators! They are very good at convincing you, you have no one else, its likely she's grown quite distant from her family and any friends she has, see you didn't know did you? She might really believe she will never find better, she might hide what happened to her a lot out of shame. They take away a lot from you my abuser was perfect in the first year or so in our relationship they wait till you're deep in love with them usually so you're convinced that because they have changed it must be something you're doing, but that's not true! Its just another brainwashing we're often told if we do this or that the beatings will stop. It's all horrible I could go on and on about why she may be scared to leave...fear, alone, her personal things may be always getting ruined, he may of threatened her life and trust me when you're beat on everyday you believe they will!

 

One thing that's good tho is she's told someone she's starting to break free of hiding all his secrets, only she can get out, even if he went to jail it's still up to her to find the strength to break free of him so she doesn't go back when he's out (if he's found). So she's on the road, she thinking about it! But she prob went back out of mass fear she's brainwashed she "Loves him" and he'll *Love her again* if she just does better! it's unlikely.

 

My breaking point was when I had my baby 2 months in I was still being beaten and it was SO HARD to get away, it's VERY hard to get away I was scared for my life and my baby's life (But it wasn't about me anymore! and that's where my strength was found!) a lot of us stay because we think its what's keeping us alive really. Only she can leave tho! One thing I will tell you is keep being her friend she will need you someday when she gathers the strength to leave...Don't let her be alone, with him, when she is leaving.

 

And im sorry you were blocked on FB its likely she was forced or threatened after staying with you.

Edited August 25, 2013 by Omei

[headsashed]

Wow, for a minute there I thought you was her, everything you said was spot on. As for her distancing herself from family and friends, its true, she had, her bf always manipulated her saying things like you don't love me if your going to leave me to see friends and family. Im not going to fall out with her over this either, ill explain that the door is open for her if and when she collects her things, that's all I can do really. I hope that her having the courage to leave him is a start to eventually leaving him before she ends up losing her life or every friend/family she has. Her self esteem was low too and I did everything I could to tell her she was beautiful etc, everything I did and said seemed to be working but he wormed his way back in. She admitted he was very good at manipulating her and hes done it again, I just hope she learns before anything really serious happens.

[Sugarkane]

I've posted in the abuse forum before. The problem is not many people read it, so you probably won't get much feedback.

You may want to post this in abused forum.

 

Anyway here's what I can tell you, My first BF was an physical and verbal abuser for 5 years.

 

In my opinion YOU have done everything you can! And the only other thing you can do is keep that door open for her when she's truly ready to leave the relationship I can tell you her way of thinking, perhaps...

 

Abuser's are master manipulators! They are very good at convincing you, you have no one else, its likely she's grown quite distant from her family and any friends she has, see you didn't know did you? She might really believe she will never find better, she might hide what happened to her a lot out of shame. They take away a lot from you my abuser was perfect in the first year or so in our relationship they wait till you're deep in love with them usually so you're convinced that because they have changed it must be something you're doing, but that's not true! Its just another brainwashing we're often told if we do this or that the beatings will stop. It's all horrible I could go on and on about why she may be scared to leave...fear, alone, her personal things may be always getting ruined, he may of threatened her life and trust me when you're beat on everyday you believe they will!

 

One thing that's good tho is she's told someone she's starting to break free of hiding all his secrets, only she can get out, even if he went to jail it's still up to her to find the strength to break free of him so she doesn't go back when he's out (if he's found). So she's on the road, she thinking about it! But she prob went back out of mass fear she's brainwashed she "Loves him" and he'll *Love her again* if she just does better! it's unlikely.

 

My breaking point was when I had my baby 2 months in I was still being beaten and it was SO HARD to get away, it's VERY hard to get away I was scared for my life and my baby's life (But it wasn't about me anymore! and that's where my strength was found!) a lot of us stay because we think its what's keeping us alive really. Only she can leave tho! One thing I will tell you is keep being her friend she will need you someday when she gathers the strength to leave...Don't let her be alone, with him, when she is leaving.

 

And im sorry you were blocked on FB its likely she was forced or threatened after staying with you.

[todreaminblue]

studies show that on average it takes seven times for a woman who is abused to leave a controlling abusive partner,there is nothing you can do now,i have helped out women who have had problems with boyfriends...some have kids with them...he has probably sucked her in and told her he will change and they do for a while......then they revert......and the cycle starts all over again.....most of the women i have given a place to stay go back........unfortunately for them and their kids........what really sucks is sometimes they put the blame on the person who has tried to help......because they are scared....there is nothing you can do now.....inform the police you are concerned for her welfare, if you know where she lives inform them of the address and then let it go........if she comes to you again which is possible when it goes south for her......get her into a domestic violence shelter as soon as possible you will not knwo where she is for your own protection as well as hers.the boyfriend may already know where you live.......and then just say a prayer or two that she stays away and gets her life together...if you ever see her boyfriend aroudn yrou house ...file a restraining order .deb

[headsashed]

I saw her earlier today, she seemed pretty happy to see me and said she was coming later for her stuff, she also said she couldn't stay long because he would be wondering where she is, that aint good. She went on to tell me that it was him who made her send them nasty messages on facebook and block me and also be nasty on the phone. I cant see her coming now as its getting late but if she does all im going to say is the door is always open for her.

[Onward_Upward]

... she also said she couldn't stay long because he would be wondering where she is, ...

 

Poor girl... She doesn't even know that the root of her problem is in her own mind.

 

As long as she CHOOSES to be a victim, that's all she will ever be. Sad, but true.

[headsashed]

Poor girl... She doesn't even know that the root of her problem is in her own mind.

 

As long as she CHOOSES to be a victim, that's all she will ever be. Sad, but true.

 

I agree, she needs to do this herself. Well she never came yesterday and she hasn't been today so if she hasn't been for her things by tomorrow morning im personally going round myself, she needs her stuff so something is obviously wrong.

[headsashed]

She eventually came for her things yesterday, her violent bf waited around the corner haha. I let her in the house and she wanted to use my computer so she could log into her facebook and delete all her messages that she had sent to me and other friends. I know I shouldn't have done this but she left her facebook logged in so I read the messages to her bf, 90% of the time she was telling him to leave her alone but he kept pestering saying hes sorry and he will change, hows he's really sorry for locking her in the house, tying her up and beating her because he couldn't get weed. Anyway, I asked her if she was ok and she said yes then I told her my door is always open for her and to keep contact as I was abit worried. Im sure my phone number etc will be deleted too, theres nothing I can do now, she knows where I am if she needs me.