Spare Wheel Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I met a new girlfriend about 6 months ago. Coincidentally we had each recently split from our then current boyfriends. Over the past 3 months we’ve been getting together a couple times a week for dinner, shopping, talking – typical girl things in getting to know each other. We’ve each met guys and had a few dates here and there over these 6 months, but neither of us has ‘dated’ anyone. In the middle of last week she and I made plans to go out together and hear a band this Friday night. Yesterday she sent me an email telling me she had invited a guy she had two dates with last week to come hear the band on Friday night with us! She never asked how I would feel about him coming. Am I being too sensitive? Do I need to adjust my attitude and just rise to the occasion? I haven’t told her I’m a bit uncomfortable with the situation. I can’t help but imagine I’m going to feel like a fifth wheel. At the end of her email she wrote she’ll be interested to find out what I think of him; but I think that was there as an attempt to smooth over any ill feelings I may have about it. My other 2 girlfriends are married and aren’t interested in joining us, and I’m not dating anyone that I could invite. It’s an hour ride for me each way so going and staying for just a short time seems a little pointless. I almost feel like canceling and just let the two of them go. Please help me see this situation! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 You know what, I think the best thing you could do would be to tell her straight up that you suspect you'll be a fifth wheel for the outing. Try not to take it personally this one time, she's probably excited about this guy and is eager to get things underway with him -- don't take it as a sign that she doesn't appreciate you. If it becomes a pattern, that's another story. I think in your shoes I'd say something like "you know what Jane, I think I'd feel a bit weird just hanging out with the two of you, like I'm horning in on a date. I'm glad George wants to come along with you, so why don't I bow out and the two of you can make it a proper date?" Non-accusatory or hurt, just telling her how you feel about it. That way, if she really does want you to come along, she'll have to assume a bit of responsibility to make sure that you don't feel excluded. Perhaps "George" has a friend he might invite along just to even things out a bit. On the other hand, if she accepts your bowing out, it will be clear that the onus will be on her to "make it up" to you. Having a girlfriend to hang out with while single is great. If she's on the verge of transitioning into a new relationship with this guy, the dynamics of your relationship are going to change somewhat. It's inevitable, and it doesn't make her a bad friend. Right now, despite the bonding time the two of you have had, she's probably just a casual friend. If you can be happy for her about meeting someone, and accept that while she's not going to be as available to you as she once was, she can still be a valuable friend, someone you can still do things with (though perhaps not so often as before). You can never have too many friends. But you can be too clingy and possessive of friends, and that's a sure way to diminish or even kill a friendship. Let's face it, no one enjoys the company of someone who makes them feel guilty because they want to spend time with their new boyfriend. If your friend starts blowing you off on a regular basis for this guy, or is always changing plans in order to accommodate him, she's not really your friend and there's no point in bothering with her anyway. If it's an occasional episode like this one, try to take it in stride. Be honest with her -- don't stew about it or be passive-aggressive (like making up an excuse about why you suddenly can't go, and then being annoyed with her). It sucks to have plans change, but at least she has given you a lot of advance notice. At least she didn't just spring him on you on Friday night. I think she's showing some consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Hmmm- I disagree. Maybe your friend WANTS you to meet this guy b/c she values your opinion. I won't get serious w/any guy til he has at least met my pals. However- I would recommend asking her ot give you abit more notice if anyone else will be accompioning you on plans the two of you have made. That's just courtesy AND it will allow you to back out or veto the company respectfully. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I think you're a little too sensitive...May I ask you your age? I have gone out with some of my friends and I was alone and it was quite nice, really. Why would you give up seeing a band only bc there is someone new with you two? Just have fun and "check the guy out" for your friend. Unless the problem would be her dating and you not and you having some feelings hurt for this.... Otherwise, don't think that much about it! Link to post Share on other sites
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