Lana77 Posted July 10, 2013 Share Posted July 10, 2013 Hi! I have worked with a guy for about 3 years and we’re always just colleagues. In December, he started his divorce and I ended a very bad relationship. We started being very good and close friends, just to support each other. We would text every night (about work, how we we’re doing, everything), we would go out for coffee, shopping, everything. After some of our dates, he would send me some text saying he liked our coffee, the company, we had to do it again, etc. I began to think that he was sending some signs, but I was scared, because besides the fact that we work in the same team (he’s in the desk beside mine) I wasn’t sure if he had conscience of the signs, because his break up wasn’t easy, because his daughter. And he always said he didn’t believe in relations in the workplace. Nothing ever happen between us, but our complicity just grow too much, until our colleagues think that we are actually a couple. Last month he decided to start dating other girls, and told me that, but always saying that I was his best best friend, and had a special place in his life, and nobody would occupied that space. The strange thing, is that every time i said that I think a determined guy was cute, or even ask my girlfriends if they had male friends to date, he doesn’t like the conversation and changes the subject. Finally in the beginning of June I sent him a message saying that I was confused and could have feelings for him stronger than friendship, but I respected that he didn’t feel the same and was even happy for him to be dating again. The only response I got was that he wouldn’t have this conversation with me, because I did know how important my friendship was for him, and he didn’t want anything to stop that. Afther this we continued to be very good friends talking about everything and jut having fun in the office (we keep teasing each other every single hour). Last week he told me he was dating a girl from our work, and that he wasn’t in love, but was a surprise this girl, they have a good time together. This girl was one that he always had some kind of physical attraction. But he says it’s not only sex, but is not in love or nothing of that kind, because he’s now cold in relations because of the divorce. I was devastated, not because he’s dating, but because it’s some one of the office. My first reaction was to say that now everything was different, because we would be more distant. He got really mad with me, because I was a very important person in his life, and she had to understand that. She knows I’m he’s best friend, and nothing is going to change. Every time I say I had a date, he always want to know if I had fun with the guy, and if I say I did, his immediate response is -”so the guy had “lucky” with you?”. And changes conversation immediately. He doesn’t like when I talk about my dates or other guys, not even in a funny talk with my friends. We had some tickets to a concert, that I said that he should take her instead of me, but he refused, because it was an arrangement with me and he wan’t to go with me. Even a project of our own business, that we talk for several months, he doesn’t want her in, but me. So we went to the concert and dinner this week, last week we went shopping together a toy’s for his kid and we keep our “picking” each other on the office. A lot of our co-workers think we are a couple, but we don’t care. For me his a very important person in my life, a very good and close friend with whom I can talk about everything. And he’s always saying that I’m his best friend, and the only person he can talk about everything, a very special person in his life. My question here is: did I read the signs wrong, assuming that in the beginning he wanted something more? And now, with this reaction, what should I think – is the relation with this girl (first relation after divorce and the first thing he said about it was that it was hot) for real? shouldn’t he be the first to accept my step way? Please help me, because my friends all say that he is confused, and comfortable with me around, and that’s why he talks to me about his girlfriend, but if I say something about a date, he changes subject! I never had feelings for a guy younger then me (his 30,I’m 34) and his a litle immature, maybe all this reactions are normal… Thank You Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 My question here is: did I read the signs wrong, assuming that in the beginning he wanted something more? And now, with this reaction, what should I think – is the relation with this girl (first relation after divorce and the first thing he said about it was that it was hot) for real? shouldn’t he be the first to accept my step way? Even if he did want something more at one point, it doesn't really matter anymore because it seems clear that he doesn't want it now. He is dating someone else. And it's not really relevant whether their relationship is "for real" or not. If he wanted to date you, he would be dating you. Sorry. Finally in the beginning of June I sent him a message saying that I was confused and could have feelings for him stronger than friendship, but I respected that he didn’t feel the same and was even happy for him to be dating again. The only response I got was that he wouldn’t have this conversation with me, because I did know how important my friendship was for him, and he didn’t want anything to stop that. This seems unfair, doesn't it? His reaction to your confession was totally self-centered. It wasn't convenient for him, and he chose to ignore your feelings and pretend they don't exist, so that he doesn't have to possibly lose a friendship that benefits him. Letting someone down is almost always awkward, but that awkwardness can't be avoided just because it's uncomfortable. You deserved to have your feelings addressed, but instead he basically said, "I'm not talking about this because it might mean I lose something." That's probably also why he doesn't like to hear you talking about other guys - because it means he might lose something if you start spending more of your free time with someone other than him. And not to put the blame completely on him, when you tell someone you have feelings for them, don't immediately reject yourself. What I mean is, don't say, "I have feelings but you probably don't so we can still just be friends." That doesn't really give the other person a chance to respond in a positive way. Either they have to say, "Well, uh, actually, you're wrong because I do have feelings for you" which is just makes it more awkward than it should be. Or if they don't share your feelings, they can just be like, "Okay, then." And then you're left feeling confused because you never got a straight answer (even though you really didn't ask for one.) You know? Anyway, lots of words and rambling to say that I think he just sees you as a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Country_Girl Posted July 12, 2013 Share Posted July 12, 2013 (edited) I dealt with something similar... Had a great guy friend for 1.5 years, we both kind of bonded because we had both just got out of relationships. I ended up catching feelings and admitted liking him, he didn't shut the door on the idea, but he continued to date others. It was confusing because we did date like activities. What I think happened, is subconsciously you helped him get over his ex. So, since he didn't have to grieve the process, you were kind of 'the temporary girlfriend' while he shopped for another. I'm sorry, I've been there :-( Might be best to give some distance. I thought my guy friend and me would always be friends at least, but was told by him 5 months ago his new girlfriend does not support our friendship. We no longer speak to each other. Edited July 12, 2013 by Country_Girl submitted post early 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lana77 Posted July 14, 2013 Author Share Posted July 14, 2013 (edited) Thanks Country Girl for your post! I see you're been in the same Place I am right now. Reading your words make me remember that I told him exactly that, if he has now a girlfriend our relation would be completly diferent and I would step a side! We had a huge discussion about that, because he says that this or any other womem that he dates just have to understand that Im a special person in his life, so if they don't get this, their problem. I know is not like that. I know that mine or his relation will change things between us, but he doesn't believe or accept. We being having big fights over this.... Now I just try to enjoy his friendship. We still close co workers and best friend. Even today, he just got home from a week vacation with her, we just didn't talk/text for 2 day. He call me to know how I was, just because he miss me! Right now, and because my last relationship was very complicated, I just want to enjoy life with family and friends, no guys.... But I confess that I have miss fellings about him... For one point is a very special friend with whom I talk about everything... On the other hand, I feel extremely confortable with him, when we go out, or have dinner at his house. For now, I just let things roll, but trying to look at him just as good friends... Edited July 14, 2013 by Lana77 Link to post Share on other sites
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