How to create healthy boundaries

[writergal]

I got the idea from the bossy friend thread to post a link to an article I think gives good suggestions on how to create healthy boundaries in relationships.

 

How to Draw Boundaries with the Invasive and Intrusive People in Your Life - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

 

1. Don't make plans on the spot.

 

2. Set time limits.

 

3. Your house/apt. is not an open house for others.

 

4. Call people out on their invasive behavior, even if they overreact and get angry.

 

5. Don't answer other people's invasive questions.

 

#4. is a constant exercise for me with boundary invaders. I used to be horrible at it, but it's become easier for me more recently.

 

#1. I never make plans on the spot with anyone anymore and am happier for it.

 

#5. It really irritates me when people forgo the "hi how are you" niceties (esp. when time has elapsed since we last spoke or saw each other) and instead just bluntly ask me really invasive questions about my personal life that are none of their business, as though I owe them that information. Um. No, I don't!

[Nyla]

Good on you for setting boundaries.

 

I used to attract a lot of toxic people as friends. I let them use me and say nasty things right to my face.

 

I felt very empowered when I walked away from people like that and told them why I didn't want to be around them anymore.

[GG3]

These are great. I'm horrible about not doing number 5.

[SpiralOut]

I agree with all of these. I've been learning to set boundaries after I encountered an aggressive boundary invader. I'm getting much better at #5 but am horrible at #4.

 

I find that boundary invasions don't have to always be verbal, for example another woman looking me up and down right in front of me as if to measure me up.

[writergal]

I agree. Boundary invaders aren't always verbal, they can physically invade your space or visually try to intimidate you.

 

What I don't understand, is why people perceive boundary invaders as confident and strong and good people, when they are the complete opposite. They aren't trustworthy by any means, as they are master manipulators and liars and tend to prey on emotionally insecure and weak people as their social targets.

 

I think the reason that #4 and #5 on the list are difficult for most people is because no one likes to be put in that position of confrontation. And being assertive with boundary invaders is tough because those people will over-react and practically throw tantrums, you know?! They will name call, spread malicious gossip, threaten and lie; hoping the other person will crack and back down so that they can regain control of that person.

 

What's sad is that boundary invaders rarely change, so you're just stuck either having to accommodate them (if you work with them or are related to them), or risk being socially shunned by your group of friends since most boundary invaders tend to be the group leader as a result of their amazing ability to manage and manipulate people without those people either being aware, or being somewhat aware but too scared to fight back for fear of social rejection.

 

Boundary invaders are exhausting people to be around and can be very tricky to deal with.

[GG3]

So writergal, how do you tell the difference between a friend who is just making conversation and one who is invading boundaries?

 

Example...I have a friend that texted me Friday and asked "so what are you up to tonight?" I never texted back. I really don't think he is trying to do anything but I guess it just annoys me in light of my recent experience of dealing with a friend who was doing that to keep track of me.

[writergal]

GG3,

 

Well, the difference between a friend and a boundary invader is that the friend respects you whereas a boundary invader doesn't.

 

How do you feel about the friend who texted you? You can tell which friends aren't good for you based on how they make you feel when you interact with them.

 

I'll give you an example of a boundary invader friend. She uses text messages to invade boundaries (or tries to). One week she bombarded me with text messages about how anxious she felt at starting a new antidepressant. It was ridiculous. I mean, one text or phone call is fine, but 8 text messages in 3 days? And some of them were desperate sounding, "I don't know if I can handle my life on this med," to "I think I should go to the ER." They were all false alarms, kinda like the boy who cried wolf. So, major boundary invader move on her part, sending desperate, over-reactive texts in a short period of time with the intent of getting a reaction from me. She wanted me to respond via text to constantly reassure her. I only responded twice to her texts, the first time I reacted (fool me once, shame on me), but the second text was to tell her to stop texting me and call (she refused to call me which I interpreted as her being manipulative). Once she admitted to me that she acts that way for attention. As soon as she said it (she's 45 by the way), I knew I was friends with a boundary invader/narcissist.

 

So, ask yourself how you feel when your friend texts you. Does it annoy you? Do you feel like this friend is using you to fill his/her time? Or is this a trust worthy friend who sent you an innocent text asking you what you were up to? Take inventory of how this friend communicates; how often, are the reasons pretty normal, or are they like my friend (for attention, out of boredom, neediness)?

 

I think that's the best way for you to gauge the meaning of your friend's text. You could always just respond to the text with what you're up to, or ask your friend why they're asking. Their response will tell you everything.

Edited June 25, 2013 by writergal

[GG3]

Hmmm I'm not sure. This person is a very awkward engineer that mostly talks about himself. And brags about himself. He's a friend that I can deal with only in small doses. He's not someone that I want to hang out with regularly or anything. I don't think he's trying to do anything, he just doesn't go out a lot so happens to try to call or text in the evenings and I just don't want to be stuck on the phone or texting. And he mostly just brags about himself and doesn't ask questions.

 

I have another male friend that texted Monday to ask what I did over the weekend and that annoyed me too. Maybe I just don't like telling anyone what I did?

 

My cousin who is female and my age will write on Monday to ask what I did or am going to do over the weekend and that doesn't annoy me at all. It's basically just an exchange of what we did. If we both layed around the house then we talk about how fun it was to do nothing and if we did stuff, we talk about how fun it was.

 

I do have two other male friends who text pretty regularly and I have no problem telling them what I'm up to. One of them never asks what I'm doing, just how I am. The other one of them probably would wonder if I was on a date if I didn't write back and yet that doesn't bother me at all. So I don't really know why I feel the way I feel about the other two. Maybe I'm just not close enough to the other two...or I'm just b*tchy.

 

I kind of feel like a jerk because I don't really think these people are trying to keep track of me or anything. I just don't really like being texted and asked what I'm doing.

[Anela]

See, this is where people like me, don't know what to do:

 

1) I don't ask questions, and only talk about myself - not out of self-interest, but because I don't want to pry - so I'm self-absorbed, according to some. Or just a closed off weirdo.

 

2) I DO ask questions, because I've been testing my own comfort zone, and I like someone - and I'm potentially a nosy cow who doesn't respect boundaries.

 

3) I tell someone how I'm really feeling, scared, and so on - and I really shouldn't, because we might be friendly, but we most certainly aren't best friends. Circle back to number one.

 

People tend to not respect my boundaries. I've always tried to have my own, and to respect those of others - always. And yet I've still dealt with the above.

[darkmoon]

I agree. Boundary invaders aren't always verbal, they can physically invade your space or visually try to intimidate you.

 

What I don't understand, is why people perceive boundary invaders as confident and strong and good people, when they are the complete opposite. They aren't trustworthy by any means, as they are master manipulators and liars and tend to prey on emotionally insecure and weak people as their social targets.

 

I think the reason that #4 and #5 on the list are difficult for most people is because no one likes to be put in that position of confrontation. And being assertive with boundary invaders is tough because those people will over-react and practically throw tantrums, you know?! They will name call, spread malicious gossip, threaten and lie; hoping the other person will crack and back down so that they can regain control of that person.

 

What's sad is that boundary invaders rarely change, so you're just stuck either having to accommodate them (if you work with them or are related to them), or risk being socially shunned by your group of friends since most boundary invaders tend to be the group leader as a result of their amazing ability to manage and manipulate people without those people either being aware, or being somewhat aware but too scared to fight back for fear of social rejection.

 

Boundary invaders are exhausting people to be around and can be very tricky to deal with.

 

confrontation, yes, maybe hard to do, I think stating your case, just once, is fair and not too too hard, if the person still wants to boss you around, then make a polite excuse even have one ready (head-ache, say) and leave, these bullies can even pursue you, so no answering the phone or door, they get lonely, these horrible people, so they'll cling on at times xx

[writergal]

See, this is where people like me, don't know what to do:

 

1) I don't ask questions, and only talk about myself - not out of self-interest, but because I don't want to pry - so I'm self-absorbed, according to some. Or just a closed off weirdo.

 

2) I DO ask questions, because I've been testing my own comfort zone, and I like someone - and I'm potentially a nosy cow who doesn't respect boundaries.

 

3) I tell someone how I'm really feeling, scared, and so on - and I really shouldn't, because we might be friendly, but we most certainly aren't best friends. Circle back to number one.

 

People tend to not respect my boundaries. I've always tried to have my own, and to respect those of others - always. And yet I've still dealt with the above.

 

I empathize with you Anela because I can get stuck in that same cycle of "do I or don't I" when it comes to all 3 points you list. Just best to have good solid boundaries and deflect when you see fit. And by deflect I mean to be straightforward with the other person regardless of how they react. Remember, you're not in control of how the other person reacts, only how you react. Once you accept that, then it becomes easier to be honest with people because their reaction is about them and THEIR issues, not yours.

 

All I can tell you is that if it doesn't feel right with that person, always trust your gut (intuition) no matter what they say (which are words used to intentionally throw you off kilter as far as what you think of yourself or what you think of them -- they don't want you to know the truth so they distract, deflect, and if those two arsenals fail, retreat a la the silent treatment).

 

Trust your gut and follow your own instincts. Don't question yourself. Don't ask others for advice who may know that person (best to ask people outside the situation because they can be more objective).

 

If you have to put up boundaries with someone, then do it. Just don't cave when that person threatens you with guilt, gossip, or lies.

 

I think socially sometimes we ask questions that invade another person's boundaries and it's either intentional or by accident. Usually the accidental boundary invasions is because the other person has weak boundaries and isn't consistent about sharing what they think or feel when it could help bring understanding to a situation. Does that make any sense?

 

When you have strong boundaries that takes the guess work out of interpersonal relationships. It makes it easy to see who is a boundary invader (aka fair weather friend) and who is a more trust-worthy friend. It takes practice but consistency is key.