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Friend Stuck in the middle!!


aliltweety27

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aliltweety27

My husband and I are really good friends with another married couple. We have been for about 4 years now. In the last several months our friends wife has really changed. I will call her Tami and her husband Bob. Tami is only 24. They have been married for four years and have five kids. Two are twins that she had with a previous boyfriend before Bob.

 

About a month ago the changes started to take place. She went to a bar with her sister and didnt get in til 3:00 a.m and when Bob called her on the phone to see when she was coming in she started yelling at him and told him she would come home if and when she felt like it. A couple of days later she was leaving to go visit her grandma for a week and told Bob that her grandma didnt want him or the kids to come. And that she couldnt call him while she was there because her grandma didnt want her to use the phone. Before she left she continued to push him away.

 

When she came home he did everything in his power to make things better. She told him that she was young and she didnt get to go out and party so she wants to do it now. So he told her to make this in his marriage work that she could go out to the bars but that it wasnt going to be an all the time thing. well this was fine with her at first. She also told him that he needed to change and show her more attention. At the same time when he was showing her attention she would get on the phone to me and some other friends and laugh at him.

 

then about 2 weeks ago Bob took off from work because she said she had a doctors appt. well she told me on the phone that she really went to see a lawyer and that the only way to get a quick divorce was to prove abuse. So I told her that would never happen. I told her you need to be honest with him. She said she needed a babysitter and his mom is the one watching the kids. This pissed me off my husband and I listened to Bob night after night cry to us and watched him do everything to save his marriage and she was basically using him.

 

Well at first I wished that she had never told me that. I felt that If I didnt tell him I was betraying him and if I did tell I was betraying her. But I decided If it were me I would want someone to tell me so when they came by that night I asked her again if she loved him she said no and that she wanted a divorce but that she was trapped. So My husband and I told her right there you tell him now or we will. Well she did and she showed no emotion. Even when he got on his knees and begged her not to leave. So after about two hours of listening to him blame siself for everything and beg to stay with him. He told her to give him a month to change or he would agree and give her the divorce. She didnt even want to do that at first.

 

Well when they got home . She told him she just needed to go out to the bars more. So he gave in and said anyting just dont leave me. Now she's never home she's a stay at home mom and also watches two kids but leaves them on his mom and goes wherever. At night when Bob comes home she's either got to go to the gym,the store, the nail salon, tanning this is everynight. She's never with her children anymore. She told him some times she wished she didnt have them. Last night she went out at 10:00 to some guys house with her sister until 12:00 while he stayed home with the kids. He's constantly asking me do you think she's cheating? I tell him i dont know. I think she wants a single life but him at home to babysit for her. I'm afraid to give my opinion I dont want to lose the friendship at the same time I want so badly to say wake up!!

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Sounds to me this guy is getting used, and she is out whoring around while he babysits. I would definitly keep your friendship with, "Bob" and tell Tami to get help. She sounds very selfish to me and she needs a good slap in the face. I say he should give her the divorce then file for custody of the kids, he will win with her going out all hours of the night, it's clear she's an unfit mother.

 

She sounds like my older sister, she neglects her children to get out of life what she wants. I say that Bob needs to wake up and let this gal go.....and get on with his life. It'll hurt like hell at first, but he and the kids will be better off in the long run.

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I will never understand why people let themselves be treated so badly. Some of the posts on here just amaze me.

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Originally posted by Matilda

I will never understand why people let themselves be treated so badly. Some of the posts on here just amaze me.

 

I agree. Its amazing what so called "love" does to people.

 

I say to tell Bob the truth and give him a wake up call before the police arresting him on charges of spousal abuse does. He may end up in denial and you may lose a friend but I tend to think its best to be honest with friends. If he gets angry and ends the friendship then it really wasn't meant to be much of a friendship.

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aliltweety27

Well I talked to Bob last night. Tami wasnt home again this time she was at a 5 hour trip to the gym. I told him exactly what I thought. I told him that she wanted to party and act single but wanted him there to watch the kids. I also said she needs to grow up and start taking on her responsibilities.I dont care how old she is .She has children now and she needs to be taking care of them. She doesnt even cook for her children she either buys them Mcdonalds or sends them to her moms to eat she lives a few doors down from them. My husband and i told him he deserved more,that he deserved to be treated with respect. Then after all that plus more the conversation went on for awhile. I awake to a phone call from Bob this morning telling me Dont take this the wrong way but " I dont want to hear anything about Tami anymore, It makes me mad and causes us to fight and I want our marriage to work" :eek: Can you believe that? He calls and whines to me, I'm feeling horrible for him and his children then when I try to help him and give him my advice wich he asked for, he tells me I caused them to fight. :mad: Yet they were fighting last night before he even called me. I guess it's just easier for him to blame me and everyone else then accept the fact she's using him. I give it a couple of days he'll call again to complain and i'm gonna straight up tell him you allow her to treat you that way therefore she does.

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Screw that, I'd tell him not to call and whine and cry about it to you anymore....I know you want to stay friends with him....but why should you suffer along with him? He doesn't know that he can do better and I feel sorry for him, but, if he's not willing to put his foot down and make a difference...then tuff titties....let him suffer.....

 

I can't believe how some people let themselves get walked on just because of their insecurities, this guy needs a confidence builder....I don't care how sexy this Bitch is.....it's not worth it!!! She has a problem and needs a wake up call, and personally, not knowing what she's doing every night, ( I think she's screwing around ), I wouldn't let her in the same bed with me....no telling what kind of disease she might be bringing home.

 

Oh well, you can't reach everyone......

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aliltweety27

I totally agree with you Moose . I did what I could as a friend. Maybe one day he will take off the blinders. Thanks for all the advice.

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EnigmaXOXO
I awake to a phone call from Bob this morning telling me Dont take this the wrong way but " I dont want to hear anything about Tami anymore, It makes me mad and causes us to fight and I want our marriage to work" Can you believe that? He calls and whines to me, I'm feeling horrible for him and his children then when I try to help him and give him my advice wich he asked for,he tells me I caused them to fight. Yet they were fighting last night before he even called me. I guess it's just easier for him to blame me and everyone else then accept the fact she's using him.
I give it a couple of days he'll call again to complain and i'm gonna straight up tell him you allow her to treat you that way therefore she does.

 

Then the next time Bob or Tami calls, tell them you don’t want to get dragged into the middle of their marital problems anymore. Tell them you’ve done all that you could, and you would prefer that your OWN marriage survive and therefore don’t appreciate all the undo stress the two of them are bringing into your home.

 

Make one last suggestion that they get some counseling. Then you and your husband go find some new friends who don’t create so much drama and grief. You need to examine the reasons why you would choose to call people like these “friends.” You have allowed yourself to become Tami’s sounding board and go-between. The fact that she actually enjoys bragging to you about her manipulation proves that she has no respect for you, your friend (Bob), and most importantly herself. These selfish qualities in a person do not make for good marriages…nor warm, fuzzy friendships. In fact, she’s toxic.

 

Bob, on the other hand, inspires your sympathy and compassion because he is weak and allows himself to be treated poorly by his wife. But “feeling sorry” for someone is not reason enough to call them “a friend” if your only motive for that friendship is to rescue or “fix” him. It’ll never work. Rather, it will only frustrate you and eventually drag you and your own husband down.

 

People change; sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And as we grow and mature, so do our needs and our preferences when it comes friendships and relationships. While it is often difficult to cut old ties, it is sometimes necessary to relieve ourselves of those associations which no longer benefit our own personal growth. Real friendships should not be a burden or constant source of angst, stress and struggle. Rather, they should flow naturally and provide us with feelings of joy, inspiration, kinship and mutual respect.

 

AGAIN…if I were you, I’d find some new friends. ;)

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aliltweety27

Enigma-

Thank you so much for that post. You are absolutly right.... My friendship with them here lately has been more trouble than good. I have also allowed their problems to be a constant topic between my husband and I...

Thanks for opening my eyes and helping me to realize that I was allowing them to put alot of unwanted stress in my own marriage.

 

My husband and I wanted so badly for Bob to start thinking of his children and himself that I guess we didnt realize he doesnt want things to change. He will allow her to treat him and the kids bad because he doesnt want her to leave him.

 

I feel the healthiest thing for my husband and I is to distant ourselves from them.

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Sad to hear that he didn't listen but as others said don't let it affect you and your marriage either. I've seen this happen all too often with friends and relatives. All you can do is hope for the best for him and his kids.

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