My friend's wild weekend has me worried!!!!

[red-rose-in-winter]

I have a problem and I hope someone out there can help me. Ok, I have a friend named Desiree. In the past two years she has changed A LOT personality-wise. What I mean by that is she has been doing a lot of dangerous things lately and just acting totally out of character for her.

For example, Desiree and another friend of mine and her Mom recently went to a concert and stayed overnight in a hotel to avoid a long trip home after the concert was over. They went to a restaurant after the concert to get somethng to eat. But since the restaurant was so full, the greeter at the restaurant seats Desiree, my other friend and her Mom with a guy that was sitting at a table all by himself.

Desiree starts talking to the guy and she finds out his name is Hugh. They talk all night and when it's time to go back to the hotel room, Desiree wants to stay and talk to Hugh. But my other friend and her Mom are ready to go back to the hotel. Hugh is drunk and he decides to stay in a hotel too so he wouldn't have to drive home.

Ok, Desiree rides with Hugh back to the hotel where she and my other friend and her Mom are staying to see if there are any vacant rooms for the night. My other friend drives her car and follows them. But when they get there all the rooms are booked. So Desiree and Hugh go down the street to find another hotel for him to stay in. She tells my other friend "I'll be right back." Well, she didn't come back until that morning.

My other friend and her Mom said that they didn't sleep much that night worried that something had happened to Desiree. She said she almost called Desiree's cell phone, but she was afraid she'd be interrupting "something" (if you catch my drift!). Desiree SWEARS nothing happened with her and Hugh in the hotel room. She said that he passed out on the bed and nothing happened.

My other friend said that it really embarrassed her that Desiree did that ~ especially in front of her Mom. She said her Mom asked her if Desiree met up with guys she didn't know and went back to a hotel with them often. My friend said "No."

Then Desiree calls me up five days after this happened (just out of the blue) to ask me what I've heard about their weekend. I suspect she just wanted to know what our other friend had told me, because Desiree hasn't called me in 3 months. I told her what she did was VERY DANGEROUS going back to a hotel room with a guy she just met that night. She said she knew how to take care of herself, and she was tired of being the "good girl" and always doing things people expected her to do.

I told my husband what happened, and he said that it wouldn't be a good idea for me (being married) to go anywhere with her on weekends. I mean, if she hooks up with a guy and goes back to a hotel room with him, you know the guy's friends will expect me and my other friend to do the same. AND I DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!

So now I'm torn....I don't want to turn my back on Desiree (we've been friends for 14 years!!!), but I don't want to make my husband mad by being around her (he's already told me he really don't like her.).

She also bragged to me over the phone that she had "internet buddies" all over the U.S. and one in Canada that she had called on the phone. I could hear them signing in on the IM in the background. She even gave one "internet buddy" her home address and home phone number!!!!

I honestly don't know what has gotten into her. Does anyone else out there have friends like this? Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned or something. Any advice or comments would be appreciated!!!

[bluechocolate]

It is commendable that you care for your friend & are concerned for her safety. However, as I'm sure you know, she is an adult & is free to decide how she wants to live her life.

 

As for you not doing things with her any longer, surely there are activities that you can do which don't entail going away for weekends & staying in hotels?

 

You could tell her that you don't want to hear about her crazy weekends & internet buddies because you care for her & don't want to be worried. Eventually she'll get the message & probably stop sharing that info anyway.

 

If she changes to the point where you no longer feel that you know her & do not share common values any longer then you may just have to re-evalulate your level of friendship with her.

[Pyrannaste]

Does anyone else out there have friends like this?

 

I know some girls/women like this (they are not exactly *friends* of mine, except for one).

But I don't really understand this kind of behaviour either.

Perhaps it is just the thrill of it or perhaps acting like that gives a sense of freedom.

 

It could also be just a phase ... a friend of mine was like that for a while after breaking up with her bf of 5 years..... after a couple of months she(luckily)stopped. I was very worried for her.....not because I find it immoral to have casual sex but because she would give her phone # to strangers met on the internet (like Desiree did) , and met guys before asking for their home address or even family name. And of course she'd not listen to her friends' advice.

[red-rose-in-winter]

Thank you both for your replies.

Sometimes I think I care too much. I guess when you have been friends with someone for so long you just can't sit back and watch them get hurt.

I have to respect that Desiree is an adult and she has to make her own decisions about HER life, but I still worry when she is so casual about going off with people she doesn't know that well. People are just too mean these days to be too trusting!!!

Also, she wants to have a baby SO BAD ~ and what's scary...she doesn't care with who!!! She once had unprotected sex with a guy from work HOPING she'd get pregnant, and she only knew him for a couple of weeks!!! She once confided in me that she's terrified of ending up alone.

[Paradise]

Some people change their life style when they grow up or growing up.

Your friendship should not be based on your values or as a comparison, but to accept your friend as who she is.

I know that safety is first and foremost, so spending weekends with her or hanging out with someone who you don’t know may not be a good idea for you, but she’s entitled to live her own life.

Being her friend does not mean that you have to become like her.

I have many friends who have different values or perspective on lots of things.

[Pookette]

I know exactly what you mean. My best friend has been the same way for the last year. She will go to the bar and just bring someone home with her. AND she already has two kids, one of which the paternity is in question. All she wants to do anymore is go to the bar 2-3 times a week. It sucks because I enjoy spending time with her, but all she's interested in is where her next lay is coming from. Being a married woman I don't feel comfortable going to the dance clubs with her. She dresses well, skanky, and acts the same way.

 

I mean, if she hooks up with a guy and goes back to a hotel room with him, you know the guy's friends will expect me and my other friend to do the same. AND I DON'T DO THINGS LIKE THAT!!!

 

Yeah, the guys she meets expect the same thing, even though my wedding ring is on, I dress conservatively, and don't encourage anyone in any way. My husband doesn't like me going out with her because of the people she attracts, and I have to respect that. It's just no fun anymore anyway.

 

We've been best friends for 8 years now and I love her and her kids to death, but like I said, all she wants to do is drink and play around. I don't. Our friendship is going downhill quickly because of it.