I don't want to come off as a horrible friend, but I kind of am

[ana0pera]

One of my friends is having a birthday party this weekend. It's at her family's beach house that is ~5 hours south of here. I was really looking forward to it, albeit dreading the fact that it's all weekend (Friday morning - Sunday evening) and thus a huge time committment.

 

Then this week happens. I break up with my bf and I haven't gotten any work done even though I've been working 24/7, because all the other (younger) students in my lab are like leeches and I am teaching a few people new techniques and they've been late to our appointments. I haven't had time to do my work, therefore, and I had set a deadline for myself that is a week overdue. My work is not going to get done by Friday morning when we leave, there is no way.

 

I am also leaving the country in less than a month for two months, and need to plan that out, get experiments set up and working, submit papers, etc.

 

Basically I am freaking out, stressed out, tired, and depressed and I don't want to go on this trip anymore because I don't have time. It isn't going to be fun for me because I am going to be working so much and I don't want to ruin it for my friends. Another friend visited me last week and I didn't really want her to come down because I was busy, but I know she doesn't have many friends who live near her and we don't see each other all that often, and the entire time she was here I was counting down to when she would leave. The other people going, I like, but I am not really close to any of them so I could easily see myself getting bored and wishing I was home working. Pathetic right?

 

My therapist wants me to find a work/life balance and be around people. I also don't want to disappoint my friend as I missed her birthday last year and I have a reputation for sort of dropping off the face of the planet when social events arise.

 

Should I just suck it up and go? Or should I call her and let her know that I am thinking about not coming along?

[CC12]

Yes, suck it up and go, because you accepted the invitation and you should always try your best to keep your word.

 

However, three days is a huge time commitment. Can you modify your plans so that you just go for one night? Be there for the big birthday event and then go home? And you can frame it like, "Friend, I've been going through some difficult times in my personal and work life so I think it's best that I only attend the one night. I'm so sorry that I can't be there for the whole weekend but I wish you all the best and I hope you guys have a really fun time!"

 

I think a friend would understand. So go and have a good time and forget about work stuff for a few hours. I bet you'll have fun if you let yourself.

[ana0pera]

it's a five hour drive each way and i don't have a car, so i can't leave whenever i want, otherwise that would be the best option.

 

I am working on being social, I went to a party last weekend that I didn't really want to go to, and I had a friend over when I didn't really want to have her come down because I had work to do. It was fun but not as fun as it could've been if I didn't have work to do. In fact, since January I've been doing something social at least three weekends a month, and I do 1 or 2 things during the week. But now I am running out of time (I am leaving the country for two months in about three weeks and have a lot of loose ends to tie up) and I thought I could do a trip this weekend but I need time for myself and to focus on my work.

 

I do make excuses to get out of stuff and I was proud of myself last week for not making excuses. That said, I have a really strong work ethic. About half of the people going on the trip are in my lab and this week my advisor yelled at every single one of them about not getting enough done...I am the only one who didn't get yelled at, and I am also behind in work.

 

I talked to my family about it and decided not to go. I then told my friend about it and she completely understands. Her actual birthday is more than a week away, this weekend just worked better for the majority of people, so what my mom recommended is that I celebrate her actual birthday with her (like treat her out to lunch or buy her a gift or something). I think that is a great idea and that is what I am going to do.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I was just about to write that I think you have many very compelling reasons not to go.

 

Even though you might not have been the most social person in the past, this does not in any way oblige you to go to every birthday, party, ... , irrespective of the specific circumstances (like in this case, your BF break-up, big workload, lack of transport&options for a shorter stay,...).

 

So I was about to say to say that I think your friend would be a good friend if she understood in what a tough situation you are, and that you could still make it up to her by treating her to a lunch&movie some time in the future, when you'll have time, won't have to drive for 5+5 hours etc.

 

Also, a couple more points:

- it's great to hear that you've been trying to be more social

- don't let peer pressure dictate you what you do - it's ok to try to be more sociable because you want to, but I don't think it's good that you force yourself just because of others, despite your work ethics etc.

- great to hear that you're dealing with the struggles with the help of a therapist, therapy has helped me immensely

- I'm glad your mom and your friend both reacted like that, it's great

- I understand why you think of yourself as a horrible friend, but it is, imo, a sign of low self-esteem and the need to put others before yourself - at least that was the case with me years ago, where I felt like a bad friend even though I had so many compelling reasons to not go to a party etc. (like work,...)

- I understand how frustrating it is to have "leeches" around you - it took me a long time to learn how to deal with such people and at times I still get frustrated. If you want to talk about it, let us know

 

and lastly - I'm sorry to hear about your breakup! I saw that you have other posts, so I won't open this here.

 

Best wishes:)

[luv2b3fun]

From the jump, you already know that you don't want to go your friends party for the weekend. So don't justify your question because your bf broke up with you, and that you have a ton of stuff you are behind on. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

Your friend wants you at her party and if shoe was on the other foot, would she bail on you once again like you did the previous year? At the end of the day its your decision to make, and whatever you can live with when you look in the mirror and be ok with is what you should do.

[ana0pera]

From the jump, you already know that you don't want to go your friends party for the weekend. So don't justify your question because your bf broke up with you, and that you have a ton of stuff you are behind on. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

Your friend wants you at her party and if shoe was on the other foot, would she bail on you once again like you did the previous year? At the end of the day its your decision to make, and whatever you can live with when you look in the mirror and be ok with is what you should do.

 

No, I did want to go, especially because I didn't go last year, but I wasn't organized enough to get everything done before the trip (I will admit to that), and then my week turned into a hell hole because of my interactions with others. You have it wrong, I wasn't looking for an excuse to get out of the party. I just realized that if I went, I would've been paying for it later. I would've loved to have gone but then life got in the way, and because I couldn't just get up and leave the party whenever I wanted, it made better sense for me to stay here than go down there and be working most of the time while everyone else is having fun (not to mention that some of the work i am doing involves me being in the lab--can't do that at the beach)!

 

My friend doesn't "expect" me to do anything. She has a lot of other friends, all of whom will be there this weekend, that she wont even notice my absence.

 

I understand how frustrating it is to have "leeches" around you - it took me a long time to learn how to deal with such people and at times I still get frustrated. If you want to talk about it' date=' let us know[/quote']

 

I could really use some help with the "leeches" they are literally sucking out my happiness and productivity. Many of these ppl are co-workers and friends by courtesy. I go into work (the lab) and I immediately want to leave because of them. I could go on and on about how much I abhor these people, the worst part is that they are nice, just clueless and needy. It doesn't help that my advisor is MIA and I am the most advanced grad student (although in terms of age, half of them are older than me) meaning they expect me to solve all of their problems.

 

But I have my own work to do, I can't handle every single thing that comes up in their lives. I kid you not, one of them called me crying at 8:30 in the morning a few weeks ago to tell me she didn't get this fellowship she applied for. I sat with her for two hours comforting her. Last year, another one (the birthday girl) did the same thing at midnight, except after she told me she didn't get the award, she informed me that I did (the results are posted online and I hadn't checked so this was a surprise for me). She cried and carried on so much about not getting the award that people felt awkward congratulating me about my honor (we share an office). Also this year, my advisor forgot to answer one of their emails and since I was with my advisor at the time, they called me to check that she got the email. I AM NOT YOUR FRICKEN SECRETARY! I don't want to come off as a b_tch to these people, but I am fed up with it. But it's a work relationship in addition to friendship (and I enjoy their company--sometimes) so I can't just cut ties. I work with these people. I think that part of the reason I am so willing to skip out on social activities, especially when I am stressed or busy like now, is because these guys eat up so much of my worm time (the birthday girl included) that I don't want to give them any of my free time. I know that if I sacrifice a lot of time during the weekend to do fun things, that I wont really get a chance to make it up during the weekdays.

 

I am trying to get more organized and be accountable for my actions and promises. I don't like bailing out last minute on things and in the future I will sign up later or provisionally so it doesn't catch someone off guard.

[darkmoon]

tell them all no, send the girl a present, your therapist's group-encounter advise is not fitting for somebody with an academic career to protect, it's not savvy and it's just sending you into a whirl

 

be assertive, or sign your own ticket for more of the same, soap it up say that the failing's yours but you can't be phoned for a month

[Kamille]

 

I break up with my bf

 

 

BTDT.

 

Don't go. You need to take care of yourself.

 

If you want to stay home, stay home.

 

Take a day off. Where your priority is doing whatever it is that will help you feel better or relax. (Treat yourself to a massage if you can afford it.)

 

Send gift to your friend. Tell her about break up (but not work thing, non-academics don't understand).

 

You're allowed to take time for yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well, I can relate. I don't have super close friends really, because I don't want them to count on me solely as their source of support. When it comes to work/friends, I would choose work every single time. That's where my priorities lie. Well, it's 1.myself 2.work.

 

It may be selfish, but I am not a big people person and I feel the happiest when I know I am not letting anyone down by doing what I want/need to do. At work, I am distant to people and I walk straight to my desk, without making eye contact because they just suck up a lot of my time.

 

I think canceling the party was the right thing to do. I don't see the point of pushing yourself to be social, if it's only going to bring you stress and make you pretend that you are having fun. Screw that.

 

At the end of the day, all those friends are going to prioritize themselves, each and every time.