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friend cancels plans by text


Bolt2012

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A couple of years ago, I met a guy on a commuter train...we got along very well...I'm married and he always knew that I have a husband...in fact he met him on the train....when I moved and was leaving the commuter train, we exchanged cards and contact info indicating how nice it had been to know each other...a few months later I got a pleasant and very platonic email from him thanking me for a job referral that I had provided him...an email exchange began.

 

The emails were occasional and friendly but never anything more. I sincerely wanted to become friends (totally platonic) so finally said so and then asked whether he wanted to get together for drinks. I made sure that I gave him an "out" by saying that if he was too busy to meet up, this was totally ok. He said yes almost immediately and suggested where we meet. The day of our meeting (only several days after my original invite) he texted me a curt message indicating that he couldn't make it and asking whether we could reschedule. I (of course) replied that this was fine. I'm a bit puzzled as to why he cancelled and so abruptly and slightly hurt that a potential friend who I thought was a really nice guy would cancel in such a curt way. We didn't see each other between the original invite and his cancellation so I don't think that I could have said anything to offend him. It's been about a week and no concrete offer to reschedule since then...My question is:

 

 

If he didn't want to meet me, why would he say yes, make plans and then abruptly cancel? Why wouldn't he have made an excuse (e.g. I'm too busy) right away? Maybe he interpreted my invite as something other than platonic and that made him uncomfortable, but, if so, why accept in the first place?

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The day of our meeting (only several days after my original invite) he texted me a curt message indicating that he couldn't make it and asking whether we could reschedule. I (of course) replied that this was fine. I'm a bit puzzled as to why he cancelled and so abruptly and slightly hurt that a potential friend who I thought was a really nice guy would cancel in such a curt way. We didn't see each other between the original invite and his cancellation so I don't think that I could have said anything to offend him.

Curt message? how is that curt by him saying he needs to cancel and reschedule? I think you're reading something into nothing. And hate to say it, but you seem too invested in this for someone who is married. Did you tell your husband that you were meeting up with some guy you met on the train and have been getting to know a bit through emails? If no, why not?

 

Deep down I think you know that befriending another man who isn't your husband isn't such a good idea. Fact is, you're too upset and it makes me wonder if you have feelings for this guy, felt a spark and he made you feel good or something...

 

Maybe he changed his mind, figured that it wasn't such a good idea to become friends with a married woman. He has that right to change his mind. Like it or not.

 

 

It's been about a week and no concrete offer to reschedule since then...My question is:

 

Since it's been a week and he hasn't contacted you, maybe something happened, a family emergency or he just changed his mind as I mentioned above. Try not to get upset or worried about it though - You don't know him that well and it's not like he's a great friend or anything.

 

 

I

f he didn't want to meet me, why would he say yes, make plans and then abruptly cancel? Why wouldn't he have made an excuse (e.g. I'm too busy) right away? Maybe he interpreted my invite as something other than platonic and that made him uncomfortable, but, if so, why accept in the first place?

 

See above.

And I'll also add in that sometimes our brains create more drama to something. Chances are too maybe he forgot and it's not a big deal to him since you two aren't close friends. Or maybe he felt a spark with you too and he decided it would be best for him not to pursue anything with you at all, didn't see the point since you are married.

 

Don't contact him. Don't ask him loads of questions or accuse him as to why he cancelled, why he hasn't made other arrangements to see you another time. Let it go, focus on your husband. Put that energy into him and not some guy you barely know.

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Deep down I think you know that befriending another man who isn't your husband isn't such a good idea. Fact is, you're too upset and it makes me wonder if you have feelings for this guy, felt a spark and he made you feel good or something...

 

Maybe he changed his mind, figured that it wasn't such a good idea to become friends with a married woman. He has that right to change his mind. Like it or not.

 

 

.

 

This exactly! When the OP said she was "giving him an out" in the invitation... she probably knew what she was suggesting (the drink) wasn't kosher... not that it's not understandable, but still...

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I agree, that doesn't sound curt at all. I've had texts like that all the time even from close friends and it sounds like you and this guy are more like acquaintances rather than close friends. People have obligations that come up and he gave you plenty of notice and offered to re-schedule. I don't see anything wrong with that.

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LeliiMarie612

I have to agree with as to why your reading so much into it, especially when your married. I could see if it was a boyfriend or a close friend who constantly did it, but this is a guy you met on a train, he has no obligations toward you. People who are good friends do that to each other from time to time, hell I even do it to some of my close friends if I'm busy and they don't mind. So why does it bother you?

On top of that, how is it 'curt'? He was probably actually busy. And even if he wasn't, it was a guy you just met, so why does it matter?

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I think the OP's getting too much accusation for having possible feelings for this guy- I personally don't think this is the case. Every married person has friends of the opposite sex, doesn't matter where they met them because you can see if you like someone's personality enough to want their friendship. Each of your friends forms a piece in the puzzle of your life which your spouse takes the largest piece in. There is room for friends. Each person in our lives meets different needs that we have. Something you might not get in your husband, e.g. humour, love of the same TV shows or whatever, you might see in your best friend, or in this friend, whoever.

 

When he wanted to reschedule, how did he say it? Did he say "Sorry, some other time" or was it more specific/enthusiastic like "Sorry, what about Tuesday?" This can say a lot.

Edited by Sweeetie
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