Issues with an online friend

[Wisp_M]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here and I've been having issues with my friends for awhile now, but have been trying to figure out what's been wrong and how to fix things, although I haven't been able to find help in the places I've already been to.

 

Most of my friends are online friends, and due to my current life circumstances, that's really the only kind of friends I can make and have. I hope that's not too unusual for this place, but that's just how it is.

 

Anyway, I've been having trouble with this one friend in particular that I'm just not sure what to do about. There are many problems that he's having and that I'm having with him that make me feel like a bad person for not receiving very well. First of all, he's kind of gay, and wants to be in a sexual online relationship with someone. He claims that he isn't interested in me sexually, and is just interested in me as a friend, but there are some things that complicate it.

 

First of all, he said some very stupid things to me that made me lose his trust in him, and made it seem like he was in fact trying to flirt with me. Second, he became extremely obsessed with me very suddenly and does not hesitate to tell me about everything that's going on in his life, which is mostly bad stuff. I told him I wished I could be of help, but that I simply cannot and am bad at dealing with the kinds of issues he is having. I am very bad about pushing people away though, and every time I talk to him it just makes me depressed. Being around him is simply just a chore and most of the time he seems beyond help. Although I did once give him lots of good advice in the past, but he never did see any of it through.

To sum it up, these are the problems I am having with him:

 

1) Being way too clingy and obsessive with me

 

2) Occasionally tries to get me to reveal things about my sex life even though he knows it's very uncomfortable for me (kind of like flirting)

 

3) Constantly tries to get me to do things with him like play a certain game with him. If I can't, he gets noticeably angry and lonely, because I'm one of his only friends.

 

4) Makes empty promises, never keeps his word on much of anything unless it's to his personal benefit.

 

5) Just acts plain weird, says really confusing things, and sometimes spams me with incoherent messages.

 

6) Does not hesitate to randomly dump all of his personal life problems onto me, even though he should know by now I don't know how to help him beyond what I've already offered. All it does is make it depressing and awkward to talk to him. He is a downer.

 

How can I better learn to deal with someone like this? What should I say or do? I don't really want to stop being his friend, because I know he has very few and I feel sorry for him, and I'm bad about abandoning people that want to be my friend.

Edited January 25, 2013 by Wisp_M

[whichwayisup]

What are you getting out of this friendship other than frustration? It just doesn't seem like a healthy one and the guy is draining you.

 

He needs to make other friends and rely on you less. He shouldn't be guilting you into anything or try to make you feel bad.

 

You can either be honest with him and tell him how he makes you feel and why or just distance yourself from him, bit by bit.

[rushingwaters]

A friendship is a two-way street. He is not your friend. I know you sympathize (or pity?) him but there really isn't too much you can do considering that he is an online friend. I would suggest that he sees a therapist because he probably has personal problems that are affecting his friendships/relationships.

[Wisp_M]

I already tried to convince him to see a therapist because he clearly wanted to tell someone about all his troubles, which usually ended up being me. I allowed him to open up to me at first with an open mind, and tolerated his ranting at first, but it just became obsessive, constant, and bothersome. He did not listen to any of my advice though and constantly shot it down, and never went to go see a therapist even though he said he would. Nor did he really seem to care that I was not able to help him with his issues, and didn't want to always hear about them anyway. He didn't respect my wishes, so I decided to stop talking to him for good.

[Wisp_M]

Anyway, now that I've moved on from that friend, I now have an issue I'd like to resolve with a different friend. He used to be one of my best friends, and was one of the only friends I had who checked up on me on a daily basis, always wanted to know how I was doing, and what I was up to. However about two or three months ago, I started to feel like he wasn't that interested in talking to me anymore or wanted to know what I was doing anymore either. Instead of us contacting each other almost an equal amount, he stopped sending me messages, then I suddenly had to try and keep in touch with him. He only gave me very short replies though, didn't really seem to ever want to get engaged in conversation with me, and never really bothered to ask me anything besides "how are you". He claimed he was busy for awhile, but even after he said he wasn't busy anymore, he still didn't really bother to contact me. Eventually I just gave up trying to talk to him, and was afraid that I was just boring him. How can I get him to start talking to me again like he used to without coming across as being obsessive about him?

[whichwayisup]

He's moved on for whatever reason. maybe he has a girlfriend or isn't online much anymore. It's tough when one person decides to not keep in touch as much as you'd like them to. there isn't anything you can do.. Just go on with your life and get busier so you don't sit and think about it all the time, it'll just drive you nuts trying to figure out the why's. You didn't do anything wrong..