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How to end a friendship that just won't go away quietly


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I am friends with some people that I like, but not enough to keep in touch with. In fact, they're not bad people, in fact they are good people, but too big of an age gap and I'm not really in the whole church scene anymore as I once was.

 

They still contact me once every month or 2 to hang out. I've been very low-key (i.e. low profile) and selectively saying yes to (i.e. for every one i attend i skip out on 2 or 3).. hoping that eventually they'd get the message and stop inviting me.

 

I don't know what to say "I don't care for us to keep in touch" "I am in a different life stage" "Seasons change" "I just don't care anymore" all of these sound wrong and rude in various forms.

 

I just... am not interested in hanging out with these people again. I rather spend that time with my family, or even just by myself enjoying my own devices (i.e. movies, games).

 

FWIW, I stopped attending the church so that might be a good "breakaway point" for me... but there's this one gal in particular that adamantly contacts me. I think she has a crush on me or fancies me in some way because she does contact me the most out of everyone in the group. She's also 11 years older than me and I like her as an acquaintance, but not enough to hang out with. Sigh. I feel bad for writing all of this up, but it's truly how I feel. I just rather... do my own things than hang out with these people. Again, they're good people... even great people... I just don't feel a connection to them anymore.

 

I wish I could quietly fade away, but I might have to cancel my FB to do that. Main point of contact is through FB after all. I've been thinking of axing my FB for a while now, though. I've become a very private person and seeing ppl I never talk with post pictures of their baby or success or foodie travels is something I don't care for.

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I know what you mean, sometimes I prefer to be alone. You may want to get off of Facebook, one thing I told someone once was that I didn't want to be on Facebook because an old boyfriend was contacting me continiously. It was not the truth but it was a good excuse. Possibly you could tell the friend that calls you a lot, that you have a boyfriend now and don't have much free time, or that a relative will be visiting you and staying with you for a couple of months, or that you are going to Europe, etc.

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In many ways, ending friendships is way harder that ending intimate rel-ships!

 

I've been on both sides. A few years a girlfriend simply stopped responding to my communication (I'd been out of town for a year and was trying to reconnect). I finally got the message when she left me a voicemail saying that she wouldn't be able to see me before I moved 1500 miles away to take a new job.

 

It sucked. But, it was effective.

 

Would I have wanted her to be honest? You know, I'm not sure.

 

When the shoe's on the other foot, generally, I just stop responding. Eventually, people get the message.

 

Or, you can have a straightforward talk. The thing is (and this makes ending friendships tricky) - it's really, really difficult to avoid sending the impression "you're such a crappy person that I no longer want to be friends with you." There are all sorts of reasons to end a romantic relationship that don't necessary involve making a basic judgment about a person's worth ("we want different things"; "we fight all the time" "you don't give me enough emotional support"), but ending a friendship is much more brutal. Which is why, I think, so many people take the easier (albeit cowardly) way out.

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Ignore them.

 

true that.

 

i have agreed to hang out with them tonight, but am just not feeling it. might text the host "sorry busy/tired" whatever. and then be very non-committal going forward. they'll get the message. honestly i'd rather spend a quiet saturday night home alone than be with them. they're good people, but just don't connect with them anymore. and i hate that "forced to be cordial" feeling... i just really rather be on my own here.

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Stop agreeing to hang out with them.

If they call to invite you, just say, "No, sorry...."

 

I read somewhere that "The truly Free man can decline a dinner invitation without feeling compelled to give a reason."

 

You've tied yourself up in knots, and sometimes, just like Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot, the only way out is to cut the ties that bind, drastically, and just quit being available.

 

You may suffer a guilt trip for a while, but when they stop contacting you, at least you will know they got it... And quit doing things out of guilt. It's a completely wrong motive, and just makes things worse.

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I actually agree with the people who say you should just let yourself fade out of their lives. Remember how things were before Facebook, text, etc which allowed constant contact? Fading out of a persons life was the norm unless you interacted at work or a certain activity. It just wasn't possible to keep in touch.

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Rather than making excuses, you could be honest with them in a nice way. Next time they invite you, say "I'm going through a time right now where I'm not sure what my spiritual beliefs are, and I need some time to figure this out, So I'm dropping out of the church scene and social life for now." No need to lie or make excuses. I'm sure they can handle the truth.

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Stop agreeing to hang out with them.

If they call to invite you, just say, "No, sorry...."

 

I read somewhere that "The truly Free man can decline a dinner invitation without feeling compelled to give a reason."

 

You've tied yourself up in knots, and sometimes, just like Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot, the only way out is to cut the ties that bind, drastically, and just quit being available.

 

You may suffer a guilt trip for a while, but when they stop contacting you, at least you will know they got it... And quit doing things out of guilt. It's a completely wrong motive, and just makes things worse.

 

Good stuff. Agreed. It just takes some time to build up those "guts." I'm not there yet, but I did just cancel on her. I lied about being sick. Don't really feel guilty as I might have in the past. I really rather slowly fade out of their lives.

 

 

Rather than making excuses, you could be honest with them in a nice way. Next time they invite you, say "I'm going through a time right now where I'm not sure what my spiritual beliefs are, and I need some time to figure this out, So I'm dropping out of the church scene and social life for now." No need to lie or make excuses. I'm sure they can handle the truth.

 

Thanks for the idea, Kathy. That is a good and honest reply, but I do also want to keep my spiritual journey a private one. For now, I'm going to make myself unavailable, but if it becomes too much or if they don't soon get the message, I may have to do what you suggested in early 2013. Especially if I decide not to audition for the next Easter musical.

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Thanks for the idea, Kathy. That is a good and honest reply, but I do also want to keep my spiritual journey a private one. For now, I'm going to make myself unavailable, but if it becomes too much or if they don't soon get the message, I may have to do what you suggested in early 2013. Especially if I decide not to audition for the next Easter musical.

 

I agree. Why not just be honest? Blowing them off, you may feel guilty and regret burning bridges later. I think that developing assertive communication would help out with some of your women problems too. ;)Instead of waiting so long to tell them you like them, and in the mean time develop feelings, you can use assertive communication early on. There is no reason to feel guilty with assertive communication. You have the right to express what you think, in a way that respects the feelings and beliefs of others. There are basically three different interpersonal communication styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive.

 

You seem more passive; don't know how to say no, worried more about what others may think, others feelings are more important than your own, etc. Aggressive attempts to overpower others and make their desires known without respect for the other person. Assertive is an honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. For this scenario, you can develop a script of what you are going to say then use a tactic called broken record. When they try to talk you into changing your mind, you just keep repeating your assertive request when met with resistance. Some more info for you:

 

Assertiveness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

If they don't accept your assertive request, then you can rest easy knowing you respected them and it was their choice to reject your opinion. :)

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I agree. Why not just be honest? Blowing them off, you may feel guilty and regret burning bridges later. I think that developing assertive communication would help out with some of your women problems too. ;)Instead of waiting so long to tell them you like them, and in the mean time develop feelings, you can use assertive communication early on. There is no reason to feel guilty with assertive communication. You have the right to express what you think, in a way that respects the feelings and beliefs of others. There are basically three different interpersonal communication styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive.

 

You seem more passive; don't know how to say no, worried more about what others may think, others feelings are more important than your own, etc. Aggressive attempts to overpower others and make their desires known without respect for the other person. Assertive is an honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. For this scenario, you can develop a script of what you are going to say then use a tactic called broken record. When they try to talk you into changing your mind, you just keep repeating your assertive request when met with resistance. Some more info for you:

 

Assertiveness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

If they don't accept your assertive request, then you can rest easy knowing you respected them and it was their choice to reject your opinion. :)

 

Thanks for the tip. Yes, I do tend to be passive. Sigh. Weird thing is, this whole "friends for a bit, then I want nothing to do with them" has followed me my whole life. I've never really had a sustained quality group of friends. I am casual with some friends, not the perfect fit, hang out for a couple years and then later feel like it's time to dump 'em and move on.

 

I hope I am not commitment phobic but I might just be.

 

Anyway, I already got invited to a pre-Xmas hang out by the lady in the group that I think might be interested in me, despite me being 11 years younger. Right now, I'm adamant on not attending. I'll be avoiding FB as she IM's me on FB a lot, whenever I get on. It's a bit too much. Anyway, we haven't talked in months. I logged onto FB couple days ago and she zapped me. I was very brief and "dull" in my replies on purpose, and quickly said I had to go.

 

Right now I'm going to do the same thing I did with my HS group my freshman year of college. Fade away... but if they push my hand, I will be honest.

 

I dunno about telling them about my spiritual journey/struggle, but I do like the idea of telling them, as Kathy somewhat suggested, "I'm exploring new churches and am taking a break away from ___ church and all social life of ___ church."

 

Might not be as effective as telling them the truth though, b/c it'd be more understandable why I'm breaking off all "Christian" contact... coz I'm struggling with the concept these days. And being around them is a bit too much for my taste.

 

Ah well, I'll figure it out as we go along. I dunno about auditioning for the easter musical. I think if I stay low to the ground and skip out on the musical, that'll be it for me with that church. But if I'm in the play I'll be back in the "life" of that church, and I just dunno.

 

I def. have some praying to do. I loved doing the play the last 3 years but that was with no full time work. I also got to play characters I wanted... maybe it's time to retire on a high note.

 

Someone said it right, we need to do things with the right motivation. Guilt or wrong motivation will only sting one more.

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todreaminblue
I am friends with some people that I like, but not enough to keep in touch with. In fact, they're not bad people, in fact they are good people, but too big of an age gap and I'm not really in the whole church scene anymore as I once was.

 

They still contact me once every month or 2 to hang out. I've been very low-key (i.e. low profile) and selectively saying yes to (i.e. for every one i attend i skip out on 2 or 3).. hoping that eventually they'd get the message and stop inviting me.

 

I don't know what to say "I don't care for us to keep in touch" "I am in a different life stage" "Seasons change" "I just don't care anymore" all of these sound wrong and rude in various forms.

 

I just... am not interested in hanging out with these people again. I rather spend that time with my family, or even just by myself enjoying my own devices (i.e. movies, games).

 

FWIW, I stopped attending the church so that might be a good "breakaway point" for me... but there's this one gal in particular that adamantly contacts me. I think she has a crush on me or fancies me in some way because she does contact me the most out of everyone in the group. She's also 11 years older than me and I like her as an acquaintance, but not enough to hang out with. Sigh. I feel bad for writing all of this up, but it's truly how I feel. I just rather... do my own things than hang out with these people. Again, they're good people... even great people... I just don't feel a connection to them anymore.

 

I wish I could quietly fade away, but I might have to cancel my FB to do that. Main point of contact is through FB after all. I've been thinking of axing my FB for a while now, though. I've become a very private person and seeing ppl I never talk with post pictures of their baby or success or foodie travels is something I don't care for.

 

 

 

Awkward situation.....I am a passive person and often cant say no to people...i am in a reverse position to you though so dont know if i can offer advice.....my church is mainly older people but i adore them there is younger members not sure i dont really ask for ages......when i have been told ages i have known of younger members........it doesnt matter to me as i dont see age they are wonderful people....and i have always felt calmer after going to church whether i am struggling with faith or not....thats not their fault .....i have problems in the sense i dont know if i should be there with my weaknesses....i respect them and i get warmth from them calling me their sister and they seem to care...but they dont really know me....so there is my dilemma

i am a loner with a large family......when i go to church....i do feel like i am home.....but like i am home as a naughty child would gate crash or slink in.....and i developed feelings for someone younger.......so exact opposite to you......

 

 

 

dont discard your friends at church......tell them you need some time away..be honest with your struggles they might be able to help you....there's this one lady at my church has seen me breakdown twice now ....makes me insecure my mask has slipped but at the same time i have that warm heart feeling she cares about me.......

 

 

 

dont leave just time it out.....I continue to go despite what i feel...in fact i have stepped it up......i have developed friendships and i dont normally so i cant leave...im a lifer in the friend department...I also want my family involved in the way the right way...so i am trying my hardest to lead by example adn accepting my failures.....ill keep trying to feel good and church makes me feel that way.....age is a number...see your friends for who they are ....how they care and how they show that caring to you by calling and showing concern....compassion is a beautiful thing especially for loners...like you....like me..i have peppered DON'T a million times through this post....

 

 

 

you do what is in your heart......if you believe the church to be true...follow your heart and if you havent prayed because you arent getting the answers you seek....dont worry i am not either...i am getting opposite responses to what i want to do......keep praying and be true to your heart..god loves us even when we dont listen he just keeps trying like we have to keep trying.....if yoru faith is true it will come to you what you should do....ill let you know if it happens to me...lol...one day not in opposite land.........best wishes..deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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I'll be avoiding FB as she IM's me on FB a lot, whenever I get on.

 

Go invisible mode on fb, check your settings. There (I think) is a way of only showing online to certain friends and looking offline to others.

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Thanks for the tip. Yes, I do tend to be passive. Sigh. Weird thing is, this whole "friends for a bit, then I want nothing to do with them" has followed me my whole life. I've never really had a sustained quality group of friends. I am casual with some friends, not the perfect fit, hang out for a couple years and then later feel like it's time to dump 'em and move on.

 

I used to be too :) Thing is, communication style is pretty easy to change. Just requires a bit of studying and trial and error.

 

No problem there, I'm a bit of a free bird man myself ;)

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd-Free bird - YouTube

 

In Christian circles, we call it "evangelist" or "missionary" (cheesy joke yeah I know)

 

I hope I am not commitment phobic but I might just be.

 

I think you're just at a phase in life where you want some time to just reflect. Welcome to the introvert world ;)

 

Anyway, I already got invited to a pre-Xmas hang out by the lady in the group that I think might be interested in me, despite me being 11 years younger. Right now, I'm adamant on not attending. I'll be avoiding FB as she IM's me on FB a lot, whenever I get on. It's a bit too much. Anyway, we haven't talked in months. I logged onto FB couple days ago and she zapped me. I was very brief and "dull" in my replies on purpose, and quickly said I had to go.

 

You should be able to hide her on FB. I don't know, I never use the chat on there. But I know you can "group" friends and only appear visible to certain groups. I have had an older woman interested in me...she was kinda creepy about it, but a nice woman. I just told her b/c she wouldn't stop. Sometimes you have to just tell people. Assertive communication helps. Tons of vids on youtube if you want to look more into it. Works really good and takes a lot of stress off of your life. When you're in a reflection time in life, the last thing you want is to be suffocated :)

 

I dunno about telling them about my spiritual journey/struggle, but I do like the idea of telling them, as Kathy somewhat suggested, "I'm exploring new churches and am taking a break away from ___ church and all social life of ___ church."

 

Might not be as effective as telling them the truth though, b/c it'd be more understandable why I'm breaking off all "Christian" contact... coz I'm struggling with the concept these days. And being around them is a bit too much for my taste.

 

I think that is fine to tell them. It's mainly about you being free to express your rights, opinions, and beliefs in a way that respects you and the other person. Of course sometimes you have to be tactful with how you say things, but I think that would give them the basic gist. Maybe just follow i it up with: I am very thankful for all you have done for me. I will contact you if I am interested in attending" or something to the effect that you will contact them. It's their nagging that is bothering you (nothing is more annoying to an introvert than smothering lol), so you can tell them that you will contact them. That's the part I would repeat if they try to thwart your assertive request (broken record).

 

Someone said it right, we need to do things with the right motivation. Guilt or wrong motivation will only sting one more.

 

Very true! Great quote. All the best man. :cool:

Edited by TheFinalWord
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Hey TFW, thanks for all your replies. They have been real helpful.

 

 

I think you're just at a phase in life where you want some time to just reflect. Welcome to the introvert world ;)

 

I agree. I think you hit the nail on the head. In my mid 20s I had a lot more energy, "hope" and "optimism." I still have those things, but in less abundance. I have always been an introvert at heart, but with extrovert tendencies. In 2010 I took the Myers-Briggs test and came out as an ENFJ. However, my "E" (extrovert) rating was only 11%... in other words, I'm on the low-end (low tier) of being an "extrovert." I think nowadays, I'm definitely more of an I (introvert). I'd probably score as an INFJ these days, with the occasional E day here and there.

 

But yeah, now I'm working full time, in my late 20s, and just really prefer being alone. I guess some might see it as weird, but being around too many people now makes me a little uncomfortable. I rather be free to be by myself so I can just be myself, rather than worrying about what to wear, what to say, etc.

 

I call it PAQ. Give me my Peace And Quiet, lol.

 

You should be able to hide her on FB. I don't know, I never use the chat on there. But I know you can "group" friends and only appear visible to certain groups. I have had an older woman interested in me...she was kinda creepy about it, but a nice woman. I just told her b/c she wouldn't stop. Sometimes you have to just tell people. Assertive communication helps. Tons of vids on youtube if you want to look more into it. Works really good and takes a lot of stress off of your life. When you're in a reflection time in life, the last thing you want is to be suffocated :)

 

Thanks. The thing is, I don't know for sure whether she truly likes me or not, and last thing I want to do is wrongly accuse her or make things dramatic. That's why I prefer slipping out the back door quietly. She always invites me (the others in the group aren't as forward... she'll actually text me saying "Hey Tek, r u coming?? Hope u can make it!"). She's not a bad person or anything, but I'm not attracted to her at all and like I said she is in her early 40s, 11 years older than I am.

 

Here's the other issue. I have a couple of her CDs and books. She has loaned Christian material to me (that I know of, only to me, or at least, mostly to me). If I never see her again (and I would not mind if that is the case), how will I return these items? Quite frankly, I almost want to have one more casual meet-up so I can dump these things off, but I almost rather fade away and "accidentally" keep the items. I know that sounds awful, but if she never asks for them back were they really that important to her? Now I wish I never borrowed her CDs.

 

Anyway, can you say... awkward? lol. I think she's been the main reason why I'm even a part of the group. If she wasn't there, the others probably wouldn't have known me well enough to constantly invite. Now that I've been to enough of their functions and get-togethers, I'm "officially in." It's hard to get out, but thankfully I think for the most part most of them understand I have other things going on in my life and there is a natural fading apart/away that occurs. We did a lot more group activities in 2011 than 2012.

 

BTW you know what I hate. The last time I hung out with them I had a lady closer to my age say "Man Tek, we did so much more last year. I guess we all been so busy. But we'll get together and do more stuff soon."

 

Says who? I don't care to get together, and I'm glad the invites have died down.

 

Of course I couldn't say this, so I gave a half-hearted nod, hoping the conversation would change topics or die off.

 

Also, they would say things like "Oh that event was so much fun! I had a blast! Thanks for inviting us." I dunno if they're just being nice or what, but I'm like "that was fun? I mean, it was OK. But an absolute blast? I guess I'm just not that well connected to these people (anymore)."

 

 

I think that is fine to tell them. It's mainly about you being free to express your rights, opinions, and beliefs in a way that respects you and the other person. Of course sometimes you have to be tactful with how you say things, but I think that would give them the basic gist. Maybe just follow i it up with: I am very thankful for all you have done for me. I will contact you if I am interested in attending" or something to the effect that you will contact them. It's their nagging that is bothering you (nothing is more annoying to an introvert than smothering lol), so you can tell them that you will contact them. That's the part I would repeat if they try to thwart your assertive request (broken record).

 

Good stuff. I like the assertive "thank you for all you've done through support and prayers. I will contact you if I'm interested in attending" line. Should this be in a mass email to all group members? Or just the ones that I am closest to?

 

See, I'm already getting a headache just thinking about all this. It feels like such drama compared to continually declining their invites hoping they'll eventually get the msg and stop including me.

 

Now I see why other church members we have invited in the past declined. If you never get in to begin with, and decline 2-3 times, they usually leave you alone. But I've been saying yes so many times I have long been considered as "part of the group." And now I want out. I have want out for a long while now, and feel smothered whenever they contact me to hang out (even if it's once a month... I feel even that is just too much). Why continue hanging out if I don't want to?

 

It started I recall in February 2012 earlier this year. They (the "crush") invited me to go dancing. I agreed out of guilt/obligation. It was raining as hell and I immediately regretted it. Anyway, the girl who may have a crush on me and I danced that night since we all switched partners. I was uncomfortable as heck. Hell, I don't even like dancing. Anyway, I remember her emailing the whole group "Let's do this once a month" and I was like BLOODY HELL. So I actually was assertive on that one. I wrote a message on FB group that said

 

"Hey everyone. Sorry, I'm not attending tonight's dancing, and will not attend future ones. I'm not comfortable dancing so I hope you understand. Now if you want to have dinner or watch a show, let me know"

 

However, at that time I could see the beginning of the end. By summer time, when I was hired full time, I just lost the drive to even see these people for dinner. I know that might sound horrible but hey, you feel what you feel, right?

 

So yeah, should I email them all, just the ones I'm closest to, or should I wait it out and see if the "ignore/decline them" route will work?

 

They're a group of 40 somethings, with two 30 somethings. I was the only one in my 20s. It always felt a little weird and I guess I knew from the start there was only so much it could go. At the time though (2011), I was in need of some companionship and support. Now, I rather have my PAQ (peace and quiet). I feel my season with them is done.

 

I'll hold off on the assertive, dramatic message for now, and continue monitoring how declining their invites goes. I think I've now hit the point of no return. I've declined so many that I can't stop now... even if I have to hang onto her things (of the lady who might like me who loaned me various CDs... unless she asks for them back, at which point I'd only meet up with her at church to hand off and leave quickly).

 

Whew, that was long. Felt god to share/get off my chest though.

 

I am in a reflective phase of life now. I visited a young (around my age) small group this past summer for a book study. I connected somewhat well with them, but knew it wasn't a long term thing, so I bailed before I could get too close. I returned to my original small group, much older than me, but I haven't been going since my job went full time. They've messaged me here and there, and I reply, but no one is actively asking me week after week where I am. I think they're understanding that I'm in a new season of life and that's just how things go, sometimes.

 

Now I wish my "hang out church group" would get the same message.

Edited by Teknoe
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Hey TFW, thanks for all your replies. They have been real helpful.

 

No problem-o! For the materials, just mail them to her or drop them off at the church main office. You don't have to meet up with her if you don't want. Sometimes people give you things just to have an excuse to pull you back in ;)

 

Sure, you can just ignore them if you want. My thing is just to face people, but that is more for me than them. I wouldn't e-mail since they are continuously contacting you and don't seem to stop. I would call. Just to face the fear and also to make sure there is no mis-communication about what you want.

 

With assertive communication it is a mindset that recognizes that you have a right to feel what you feel and believe what you believe. If others press you in a way that goes against what you want or causes you to de-value your beliefs, you have a right to insist they stop. Some people can use aggressive communication, w/out necessarily being angry. They will just keep pressing you to do what they want, but in a "nice" way, i.e. peer pressure. Assertive communication is something taught to kids to deny drugs (called refusal skills).

 

If you tell them your assertive request, in a way that respects them and yourself, and they don't accept it, than that is their concern. It's very freeing :) After you tell them, if they don't stop, then hey, you tried, you can just de-friend or put their e-mail to go to spam. At that point, they are blatantly denying your respectful request and it is no longer your concern. But most people won't go there. They will stop. If they don't that's when you can use techniques like fogging, broken record, etc.

 

"Hey everyone. Sorry, I'm not attending tonight's dancing, and will not attend future ones. I'm not comfortable dancing so I hope you understand. Now if you want to have dinner or watch a show, let me know"

 

Good job! The only thing I would change is the "sorry". Cut that word off, and it is 5 star assertive communication (also at that point, if you did not want to hang out, don't give them any more future hope "if you want to go for dinner" etc. Don't give them any false expectations as that is another opening you are providing for them to use aggressive communication to overpower your wishes). You don't have to apologize for what you feel or think. That is a more passive mentality :) You did good though. These are the areas that you can improve upon. The good thing is assertive communication is a very learnable skill set.

 

In regards to a church, couple options. First if you are more introverted but want to get involved in ministry, you can just tell the pastor. "Hey I'd love to get involved, is there anything I can do from home?" Lots of times they need folks with IT skills that can help with the web site, create brochures, stuff letters, etc. You don't have to be a door greeter or lead all the small groups. It isn't for everyone :) That's one of the advantages of a big church. You can get involved in many different ways. Also, if you have a busy Sunday and just want to attend service and go home, it's much easier to slip out. If your church is putting pressure on you to do things, I think it is okay to tell them that they are asking too much. But that is me. :)

 

Glad you got to get it off your chest! :D

Edited by TheFinalWord
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"Hey everyone. Sorry, I'm not attending tonight's dancing, and will not attend future ones. I'm not comfortable dancing so I hope you understand. Now if you want to have dinner or watch a show, let me know"

 

Good job! The only thing I would change is the "sorry". Cut that word off, and it is 5 star assertive communication (also at that point, if you did not want to hang out, don't give them any more future hope "if you want to go for dinner" etc. Don't give them any false expectations as that is another opening you are providing for them to use aggressive communication to overpower your wishes). You don't have to apologize for what you feel or think. That is a more passive mentality :) You did good though. These are the areas that you can improve upon. The good thing is assertive communication is a very learnable skill set.

 

Good stuff! Well, at the time I was STILL into hang-outs, but as 2012 wore on, I realized my feelings simply changed. And the hang-outs went from enjoyable to being more of a burden and chore. It's weird and difficult to explain. I just know what I know, and I know I don't care to hang out with these folks again.

 

I was OK with dinner or a show earlier this year, but now, I rather just cut off all contact.

 

I honestly don't think I can call them. It's too much (potential drama) for me to take. I'm gonna try continuing my fade-out, and see if they just get the msg without making it some sort of big fancy deal.

 

Kind of like one of those spring cleaning "hey, who hasn't come to our get togethers lately? oh yeah, bob, jane and teknoe. guess we'll cross them off. hope they're in a good place" and move on, and be done with it.

 

we'll see. only thing is, there's likely to be talk about me like lots of theories and whatever happened to tek? etc. etc. But should I care? I always cared what others think of me, but never me care about what I think. That's always been one of my issues. I hate letting people down. sometimes at the expense of what i want or prefer

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Good stuff! Well, at the time I was STILL into hang-outs, but as 2012 wore on, I realized my feelings simply changed. And the hang-outs went from enjoyable to being more of a burden and chore. It's weird and difficult to explain. I just know what I know, and I know I don't care to hang out with these folks again.

 

Oh, yeah, I feel you. I've left churches in the past...for me though, church is just an extension of my Christianity. My faith is in Jesus and I would remain a Christian even if locked up in a dungeon by myself for the rest of my life.

 

we'll see. only thing is, there's likely to be talk about me like lots of theories and whatever happened to tek? etc. etc. But should I care? I always cared what others think of me, but never me care about what I think. That's always been one of my issues. I hate letting people down. sometimes at the expense of what i want or prefer

 

Tek, there will be theories no matter what happens. You've been at church long enough :lmao: Not to down church, it's great. I've belonged to some churches that were the real deal. Feeding the homeless, there at your house when you were sick, pastor would call to see how you're doing, financial reports and member voting on how tithe was used. I've also been to charades. I left one mega-type church b/c the congregation literally worshiped the pastor as though he was an apostle, even though I knew he said things contrary to God's Word (when you study the bible so much, it is hard to get duped by false teaching; one major benefit). One time, my mom was volunteering cleaning out the office and overhead the pastor say "don't offer them membership, they don't donate enough" (James 2:2)...mom wasn't snooping, just happened to be at right place at right time (God exposed this fraud). My mom and dad confronted the elders and we left the church b/c they forgave the guy and he was mean to us after that. Anyway, bit of a tangent, but if you aren't feeling that church, but feel you are in a right place with God, it could be a warning that it's not a good church. People are nice, no problem. Lots of people are nice; its the fruit that counts and how we can tell true from false. :) Go with your gut, but one thing I know church members will gossip no matter what you do. The thing is you have to be true to yourself and do what's right on account of God. Only God's opinion matters, and He's much easier to please than man. Another part about God that is very freeing IMHO. :)

 

Just my two cents, spend the next year just studying the bible on your own without any outside influence. No commentaries, no Hebrew lexicons, no books by Christian authors. Just pray before each study session that God will teach you and what He wants you to do with your life. I did that after being burned by a church for about a year, and man did it help me grow. By 6 months I was eating meat instead of drinking milk (1 Cor. 3). I think it would be really good for you to do :) Just get back to the basics: the bible. See what God wants you to do, get grounded in the Word. After doing that, God revealed to me what I'm supposed to do with my life and it's put a new fire in me. No wife yet, but I know that will come b/c He has built up so much faith in me it is ridiculous. What you are going through could very well be from the Lord...it could be the next chapter in your life. :)

 

There's a small passage in John 7 that really spoke to me during this time period:

 

Now the Jews' Feast of Booths was at hand. So his brothers said to him, “Leave here and go to Judea, that your disciples also may see the works you are doing. For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.” For not even his brothers believed in him. Jesus said to them, “My time has not yet come, but your time is always here. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify about it that its works are evil. You go up to the feast. I am not going up to this feast, for my time has not yet fully come.” After saying this, he remained in Galilee."

 

Jesus laid low until His time had come :) God Bless <><

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Oh, yeah, I feel you. I've left churches in the past...for me though, church is just an extension of my Christianity. My faith is in Jesus and I would remain a Christian even if locked up in a dungeon by myself for the rest of my life.

 

 

 

Tek, there will be theories no matter what happens. You've been at church long enough :lmao: Not to down church, it's great. I've belonged to some churches that were the real deal. Feeding the homeless, there at your house when you were sick, pastor would call to see how you're doing, financial reports and member voting on how tithe was used. I've also been to charades. I left one mega-type church b/c the congregation literally worshiped the pastor as though he was an apostle, even though I knew he said things contrary to God's Word (when you study the bible so much, it is hard to get duped by false teaching; one major benefit). One time, my mom was volunteering cleaning out the office and overhead the pastor say "don't offer them membership, they don't donate enough" (James 2:2)...mom wasn't snooping, just happened to be at right place at right time (God exposed this fraud). My mom and dad confronted the elders and we left the church b/c they forgave the guy and he was mean to us after that. Anyway, bit of a tangent, but if you aren't feeling that church, but feel you are in a right place with God, it could be a warning that it's not a good church. People are nice, no problem. Lots of people are nice; its the fruit that counts and how we can tell true from false. :) Go with your gut, but one thing I know church members will gossip no matter what you do. The thing is you have to be true to yourself and do what's right on account of God. Only God's opinion matters, and He's much easier to please than man. Another part about God that is very freeing IMHO. :)

 

Just my two cents, spend the next year just studying the bible on your own without any outside influence. No commentaries, no Hebrew lexicons, no books by Christian authors. Just pray before each study session that God will teach you and what He wants you to do with your life. I did that after being burned by a church for about a year, and man did it help me grow. By 6 months I was eating meat instead of drinking milk (1 Cor. 3). I think it would be really good for you to do :) Just get back to the basics: the bible. See what God wants you to do, get grounded in the Word. After doing that, God revealed to me what I'm supposed to do with my life and it's put a new fire in me. No wife yet, but I know that will come b/c He has built up so much faith in me it is ridiculous. What you are going through could very well be from the Lord...it could be the next chapter in your life. :)

 

There's a small passage in John 7 that really spoke to me during this time period:

 

Now the Jews' Feast of Booths was at hand. So his brothers said to him, “Leave here and go to Judea, that your disciples also may see the works you are doing. For no one works in secret if he seeks to be known openly. If you do these things, show yourself to the world.” For not even his brothers believed in him. Jesus said to them, “My time has not yet come, but your time is always here. The world cannot hate you, but it hates me because I testify about it that its works are evil. You go up to the feast. I am not going up to this feast, for my time has not yet fully come.” After saying this, he remained in Galilee."

 

Jesus laid low until His time had come :) God Bless <><

 

 

LOL! Yup, I've been part of church long enough to know that gossip occurs at every level regardless. And FTR, I don't think it's a bad church or anything. They seem to really love God and are pursuing God's heart. I can't judge them on how genuine they are or aren't. However, it is a big church and I haven't found the real type of connections and friendships that I have been seeking. Over time it's kind of burned me out. Knowing all these faces but not having any real friends.

 

I like your study the Bible back to basics one-man suggestion, and then seeing how God moves in me through that. Maybe I'll return to the church scene sometime in 2013... but first, I'm definitely going through this journey. I am now thinking about the Easter musical and whether I should audition or not. I love acting, and have been in it 3 years in a row. However, I don't want to do it again out of obligation. It'd be nice though to be able to invite my students (I'm a teacher) and say "come watch me" while secretly feeding them some more Gospel.

 

But I know if I get back into the musical, it will only prolong my relationship with these church friends, which I rather end. So I dunno. Maybe it's time for me to walk away completely? Please pray for direction. Maybe I'll audition for a speaking role only, and leave that in God's hands. I played a Pharisee in 2011, a blind man in 2012, and both roles had a good bit of lines. I minored in acting in college, so I come with some God-given talent (not much, but some, lol)

 

Next chapter of my life, though... I like the sound of that! :)

 

Edit: thanks for sharing your story, sorry to hear you had to go through those things. What a lousy thing of the pastor to say! I think I too have become disenchanted with pastors in general. So many believe their "own hype" and I feel it's guilt trip after guilt trip. "RAISE YOUR HAND FOR JESUS! COME DOWN HERE IF YOU WANNA EXPERIENCE GOD!" etc.

 

finally, on the acting thing, funny how God made me. Introvert at heart, but with extrovert tendencies (from time to time). I love acting because it allows me to play somebody else and I love the attention there. Outside acting though, I want my peace and quiet lol

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Maybe it's time for me to walk away completely? Please pray for direction. Maybe I'll audition for a speaking role only, and leave that in God's hands. I played a Pharisee in 2011, a blind man in 2012, and both roles had a good bit of lines. I minored in acting in college, so I come with some God-given talent (not much, but some, lol)

 

I will bro! My church does a huge Easter and Christmas play. It's pretty awesome. Some really talented folks :)

 

Edit: thanks for sharing your story, sorry to hear you had to go through those things. What a lousy thing of the pastor to say! I think I too have become disenchanted with pastors in general. So many believe their "own hype" and I feel it's guilt trip after guilt trip. "RAISE YOUR HAND FOR JESUS! COME DOWN HERE IF YOU WANNA EXPERIENCE GOD!" etc.

 

Thanks! Yeah, it's cool. Even Paul had to face "false brethren".

 

haha the classic call to the front. I think self-reflection is better. :)

 

 

finally, on the acting thing, funny how God made me. Introvert at heart, but with extrovert tendencies (from time to time). I love acting because it allows me to play somebody else and I love the attention there. Outside acting though, I want my peace and quiet lol

 

lol hey nothing wrong with that :) I think a lot of actors are like that ;) Especially the intovert/extrovert dichotomy :) Heck, even Jesus often went off to be by Himself and pray. You'll read that in the bible. Kind of funny. Jesus would deliver a huge sermon, then "He went off by Himself to a mountain to pray" out of no where :)

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haha the classic call to the front. I think self-reflection is better. :)

 

 

I love the call when it's for non-believers. I think they need that. But I hate rally cries like "Come on believers! Come here to show the world you are recommitting yourself to the call of Christ!"

 

My church got a new pastor, and while I like most things about him, he constantly does these "rally cry" type altar calls. After a while, I wasn't digging his spirit, to be honest. Or maybe it just got too intense for me. Maybe a combo of the two. I just know I felt guilty whenever I stayed in my seat and he said something like "OK all people of God. Come down here for a healing or answer to prayer. A miracle is waiting. Come quickly. Don't be shy. Come down here right now."

 

Maybe it all became a little too much to me as I lost the wide-eyed awe of the whole thing that I used to have in year 1 (2009-2010). Seeds of doubt/questioning seeped in and eventually I got tired of the church scene.

 

Hey, perhaps a quick answer to prayer to report!

 

So today driving home from school I really felt peace in my heart for the 1st time ever that I should SIT OUT the upcoming musical (auditions are next month so I don't have a ton of time to sort it out).

 

I came back from a school meeting and this being my 1st year especially as a full time teacher, I am just exhausted and swamped. I asked myself, "Can I really pull this off if I'm in the play?" Many days I don't get off til 5. Rehearsals would be 7-10. Do I really want to drive all that distance, and put my body and students at risk? I don't think I could pull it off.

 

Then I started to think about my motivation for wanting to do it a 4th straight year:

 

-Obligation/tradition

-I like acting (but at what cost? last 3 years i taught part time so it was easy)

-the one that came to mind most was... I just want to seem "big time" and be able to invite my colleagues/students. Sure it's sharing the Gospel but I think there is also an air of "Hey everyone, look at me do this important Godly thing. See how great I am?!"

 

Weighing all of this versus my students' needs... it just doesn't seem feasible. Plus not being in the play would allow me to "truly" slip out the back door. It just makes sense on all levels.

 

I don't want to keep doing something out of obligation or just because "I've done it many times before."

 

The play is a ton of work. I don't want to put myself or my students through it. In the end, it's just not worth it.

 

When people ask, I'll just say I'll be too busy and have new priorities to take care of. I won't be apologetic, just very up front and assertive. It'll be nice to attend the play as well for the first time ever as a spectator. It was so cool... driving home it was like I had this sudden moment of clarity. Where I felt this immense peace that it would be OK (and wise) for me to skip out, and not to feel guilty about it.

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I love the call when it's for non-believers. I think they need that. But I hate rally cries like "Come on believers! Come here to show the world you are recommitting yourself to the call of Christ!"

 

My church got a new pastor, and while I like most things about him, he constantly does these "rally cry" type altar calls. After a while, I wasn't digging his spirit, to be honest. Or maybe it just got too intense for me. Maybe a combo of the two. I just know I felt guilty whenever I stayed in my seat and he said something like "OK all people of God. Come down here for a healing or answer to prayer. A miracle is waiting. Come quickly. Don't be shy. Come down here right now."

 

Oh, yeah I agree. Altar calls are good, but the revival calls can become overkill at times :)

 

Hey, perhaps a quick answer to prayer to report!

 

So today driving home from school I really felt peace in my heart for the 1st time ever that I should SIT OUT the upcoming musical (auditions are next month so I don't have a ton of time to sort it out).

 

I came back from a school meeting and this being my 1st year especially as a full time teacher, I am just exhausted and swamped. I asked myself, "Can I really pull this off if I'm in the play?" Many days I don't get off til 5. Rehearsals would be 7-10. Do I really want to drive all that distance, and put my body and students at risk? I don't think I could pull it off.

 

Then I started to think about my motivation for wanting to do it a 4th straight year:

 

-Obligation/tradition

-I like acting (but at what cost? last 3 years i taught part time so it was easy)

-the one that came to mind most was... I just want to seem "big time" and be able to invite my colleagues/students. Sure it's sharing the Gospel but I think there is also an air of "Hey everyone, look at me do this important Godly thing. See how great I am?!"

 

Weighing all of this versus my students' needs... it just doesn't seem feasible. Plus not being in the play would allow me to "truly" slip out the back door. It just makes sense on all levels.

 

I don't want to keep doing something out of obligation or just because "I've done it many times before."

 

The play is a ton of work. I don't want to put myself or my students through it. In the end, it's just not worth it.

 

When people ask, I'll just say I'll be too busy and have new priorities to take care of. I won't be apologetic, just very up front and assertive. It'll be nice to attend the play as well for the first time ever as a spectator. It was so cool... driving home it was like I had this sudden moment of clarity. Where I felt this immense peace that it would be OK (and wise) for me to skip out, and not to feel guilty about it.

 

Whoa Tek! That's awesome bro. I'm glad you were able to come to peace with it. Yeah, I agree you have to weigh things out. I also think it's cool that you were able to find your core motivations. That takes honest self-reflection. Not many people will do that. I think you're extremely spiritually mature myself. And yeah, if it's too much, it's too much. I think your plan sounds good. And congrats on getting a full-time teaching job. :bunny: I know it's been rough lately for my teacher friends. :)

 

Teaching is a ministry in and of itself, so you're still doing the work of Christ. Since it's your top priority, I think it makes total sense not to jeopardize your ability to focus on it. You can't be a very effective teacher if you spread yourself too thin.

 

It's always been my goal to have my career be my ministry. I'm pretty much there :) I think a career that allows us to serve others and Christ is the most fulfilling of all. Keep doing your thing Tek!!

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Oh, yeah I agree. Altar calls are good, but the revival calls can become overkill at times :)

 

 

 

Whoa Tek! That's awesome bro. I'm glad you were able to come to peace with it. Yeah, I agree you have to weigh things out. I also think it's cool that you were able to find your core motivations. That takes honest self-reflection. Not many people will do that. I think you're extremely spiritually mature myself. And yeah, if it's too much, it's too much. I think your plan sounds good. And congrats on getting a full-time teaching job. :bunny: I know it's been rough lately for my teacher friends. :)

 

Teaching is a ministry in and of itself, so you're still doing the work of Christ. Since it's your top priority, I think it makes total sense not to jeopardize your ability to focus on it. You can't be a very effective teacher if you spread yourself too thin.

 

It's always been my goal to have my career be my ministry. I'm pretty much there :) I think a career that allows us to serve others and Christ is the most fulfilling of all. Keep doing your thing Tek!!

 

 

Thanks man. Yeah I've always felt I've been a pretty self-reflective kind of guy. The problem has been finding a woman on that same wavelength who is also attracted to me. Have only had 1 girlfriend all my life, and used to wonder greatly when I'd find the right one. Nowadays, not so preoccupied with that. I think it's been a good change.

 

Ironically, I just had a friend IM me on gchat. She's around my age. She asked how I'm doing and if I've been to church recently, since she hasn't seen me there lately. I shared some of my journey with her but in an assertive manner. I think she respected it and understood. FTR she's not one of the friends I alluded to in this thread. She's part of the young adult group which I used to hang out with.

 

At the end she offered to talk more if I ever wanted to, and I said thanks along with an assertive message

 

"Oh I haven't told many people this yet, so please keep it on the down low. I consider it a private journey. However, if I'm asked, like u did tonight, I'd share."

 

She simply gave me a :) response

 

It felt good to be assertive for a change and not apologetic! I simply told her I'm taking some time away from the church to sort things out. I also shared with her how I tutor an autistic 3rd grader on Sundays (true) and my school has chapel 2x a week (also true). Not to puff myself up, but those are facts and I wanted to let her know in an assertive manner that I'm not just sitting around the house in my PJs (though I do do that too lol)

 

For once in my life, I want to be that assertive and confident guy. I've always been a wimpy goody two shoes.

 

It's all part of the spiritual and mental journey I am on now.

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Thanks man. Yeah I've always felt I've been a pretty self-reflective kind of guy. The problem has been finding a woman on that same wavelength who is also attracted to me. Have only had 1 girlfriend all my life, and used to wonder greatly when I'd find the right one. Nowadays, not so preoccupied with that. I think it's been a good change.

 

Hey Tek,

 

I'm proud of you buddy. You are doing your own thing.

 

Ironically, I just had a friend IM me on gchat. She's around my age. She asked how I'm doing and if I've been to church recently, since she hasn't seen me there lately. I shared some of my journey with her but in an assertive manner. I think she respected it and understood. FTR she's not one of the friends I alluded to in this thread. She's part of the young adult group which I used to hang out with.

 

At the end she offered to talk more if I ever wanted to, and I said thanks along with an assertive message

 

"Oh I haven't told many people this yet, so please keep it on the down low. I consider it a private journey. However, if I'm asked, like u did tonight, I'd share."

 

She simply gave me a :) response

 

It felt good to be assertive for a change and not apologetic! I simply told her I'm taking some time away from the church to sort things out. I also shared with her how I tutor an autistic 3rd grader on Sundays (true) and my school has chapel 2x a week (also true). Not to puff myself up, but those are facts and I wanted to let her know in an assertive manner that I'm not just sitting around the house in my PJs (though I do do that too lol)

 

For once in my life, I want to be that assertive and confident guy. I've always been a wimpy goody two shoes.

 

It's all part of the spiritual and mental journey I am on now.

 

I think that is awesome man. One thing I have found, is that when we allow God to guide us, instead of people, there is always more peace and joy. That's not to say we don't love people, but we each have a unique ministry. God can show us what that is, but if we are constantly trying to please people, we can get bogged down, taking on things God never asked us to. :)

 

Keep pressing on brother.

 

Run your race by Br Joel Osteen - YouTube

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Just got two FB invites to hang out with the group.

 

1 this sunday, 1 next week. It's just too much for me and at this point I realize, I don't even care to see them once a month or whatever. I rather be by myself.

 

sunday one i plan to write "busy tutoring. have a good time"

 

next week one I plan to write "Not available. Have a merry Christmas"

 

I just can't pull the trigger right now on the whole "I'm taking a break to sort things out" speech right now. Gonna keep declining and hope for the best that they'll just gradually fade me out. I think once I skip out on the easter musical they'll have a better idea that I've "moved on"

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