Jump to content

How to deal with flaky friends


Recommended Posts

I have been struggling with this for years, with many different people. And sometimes people try to boil it down to "you just need to hang out with a better class of people", but it seems to me it's just an epidemic of modern society and not that I'm hanging out with low-lifes. People just don't keep their word. It happens with EVERYONE. Friends from all walks of life.

 

I just got back in touch with someone who I knew growing up. We've hung out in bursts for the past few years but it always dies off for months at a time and then comes back. I'm already realizing why it always dies off. Last week first he wanted to go on this big long road trip to buy a car from someone. I said yes to being copilot and helping to drive all the way there. He changed his mind. Okay, I can understand changing your mind about the car. Then he said even though we aren't gonna do that, we should just pick a place to go and get out of town for a few days. I totally agreed, I was thinking of suggesting the same thing when the first trip fell through. So we talk about it for a days, then the night before I ask him if we should discuss it at a certain time the next day and finalize plans, then he says not really because he probably doesn't want to go anywhere. After wasting time and oxygen talking about it all week. Okay, whatever. On top of all that, earlier in the week I took a bunch of pictures for things he wanted to put on Craigslist, then he texts me the other day "I think I'll just make 1 listing and tell people pictures are available upon request". No big deal, I get it, but still, you told me to take all these pictures and now there's a good chance it won't get used because you changed your mind on yet another thing. I was mainly upset about the road trip thing though. I was speechless when he said no. He initiated discussions about it all damn week just to act indifferent about it last minute? I don't even care about not going somewhere I would just like to have back the time that I wasted thinking about it.

 

Just making plans in general is a pain. One day when we first got back in touch, I drove to his house two separate times, just to find out he wasn't there when he said he would be. Waste of time, waste of gas. We live 5 minutes apart and we almost always have to play phone tag for days at a time until we finally manage to meet up.

 

This happens with everyone though. Everyone seems flaky. Everyone says we'll make plans to do something and it never happens. My problem with romantic relationships has been ignoring red flags and idealizing girlfriends into something that they're not, so I'm trying to stop repeating those mistakes and learn to see people for what they really are and make better choices even with just friendships. I have crossed many people off my list this year. Friends who got mad at me for stupid reasons, friends who I repeatedly tried to improve my relationship with, just for them to drop the ball time and time again. I hate to think that I have to lose another friend already, but this guy is pissing me off.

 

My social life isn't exactly booming though. Do you keep a friend who is only reliable 10% of the time because it's better than nothing? Or do you uphold your standards of fair treatment, and have no friends at all? Which is worse? They both lead to boredom and disappointment.

 

I really think I'm messed up when it comes to relationships and I just don't know what the average/normal person would do in a situation like this. Just accept that everyone is flaky? Have a 3-strike rule and end the friendship only after they fail multiple times?

 

I just wish people could keep their word.

Edited by Exit
Link to post
Share on other sites

My honest opinion? Technology and our culture in the US has made it more enticing to just be on one's own. Maintaining a friendship takes a lot of work, too.

 

People are lazy and rather just be alone more times than not. Heck, this has become me over the years. I rather be in my PJs at home relaxin' and maxin' than having to put on "outside clothes" and spend 3-4 hours with people I don't really have a tight connection with (i.e. acquaintances). That's why if you have 2 or 3 good friends, you're blessed.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I completely agree with you it seems socially acceptable to most people to completely flake out on agreements and this happens with all kinds of people. I suspect that's why loyalty, honesty and commitment fly so well in the movies and books, because they're rare and precious. I don't blame technology, I think it's because most people don't have to face their friends or neighbors on a regular basis and don't feel the consequences of being so disrespectful like they would at work.

 

I grew up in two places, an island and the mainland and the island was so much more community-oriented and caring because there wasn't a lot of choice. If you were really rude to someone, everyone knew, that person is related to a lot of people you're going to have to deal with and you'd have to live with the consequences for a long time. And you'd acquire a reputation you'd have to live with for a long time even if you changed jobs, neighborhoods, schools or churches. That's not true most places.

 

Finding a friend you can rely upon is largely a numbers game and you have to expose yourself to a lot of potential friends to find the few that are worthwhile, and stop giving to the ones that make you resentful. Is it better to be alone? That's definitely a decision you have to make. If I were you I'd cash in some favors from this old friend since you gave to them. One, he might show himself not so flaky when it's his turn to give (I've seen that happen, oddly enough). If he flakes out on you by not showing up to do the favors, then you've got solid closure.

Edited by VeronicaRoss
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
MercuryMorrison1

I totally agree with...Pretty much everything stated her.

 

Its been my experience that people just can't be trusted. When I make plan's with someone now, I generally expect to be disapointed, I.E they cancel, postpone or flake all together.

 

I don't really know what's to blame...Some people say its social networking and how it conditions people to spend less time doing ''real life'' things together when they could be playing farmville or whatever with each other from their computers.

 

To and extent...I do blame technology. A good example is cell phones...Its so annoying to me when people text me...I'll admit I just all around don't like texting, its time consuming compared to a quick phone call. So many people today choose text over a simple phone call, I guess because its more impersonal.

 

Who know's...All I know is that over the years I've grown increasingly frustrated with people who flake.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We all need to cultivate the qualities we would like a really good buddy to have - and give it out there - without becoming a patsy/doormat in the process.

 

'Like' attracts 'like' and if we want friends who are NOT flaky, fickle or false - then we too must honour that desire.

 

I think even those with a wide circle of friends would be able to count the truly loyal 'take a bullet for you' buddies on the fingers of one hand. As the saying goes, a good friend will help you move house. A really good friend will help you move the body.

 

Become a body-shifter. And BE the change you want to see.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I agree. I watched a tv show recently where city people swapped lives with young Amish people. I envied the Amish people because they highly valued morals, was no crime and mostly are a tight knit community. If something bad happened they got it seemed hundreds of cards from their community wishing them well. I admit I felt jealous. Compared that to our life and no one even knows their neighbour or talks to them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

That is ****ty I feel the same way on many levels. Not necessarily the flakiness (although that too) but being peoples shoulder to lean on and then when I have solved their problem or gotten them through it they leave until things come crumbling down again. I think you're like me in the sense that we are quality people and expect quality in return. Flaky friend of yours described above would link puzzle piece perfectly with a flake numero dos. Also, since we are quality people, we throw ourselves under buses for others and it clearly doesn't mesh well because ****ty people and people who are less sensitive take advantage. I hate how I get older, this world and the people in it seem colder and colder to me, friends seem more selfish, etc. I am trying my hardest not to lose what I have and become straight up untrusting and cold to EVERYONE because I know the right clan of people will come along and in the end I will benefit more than the others.

 

But yeah, this guy needs a reality check, super rude of him. Maybe say something, even if it isn't meanly or intensely you can laugh and be like "duuuuude come on wtf"

 

I think it sucks to be intelligent because naive, more simple minded people probably wouldn't be phased like something like this. But I notice absolutely everything, and anything, and it puts a tamper on life sometimes and strips my rose-colored glasses off straight from my face.

 

Another thing that always tweaks me out is how much of this do I, or we bring onto ourselves? That's too complicated to get into right now though.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...