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Why are people so cliquey?


Sugarkane

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Its so much mire difficult making new friends as an adult. I find people that when they have a clique- just stay with it. Shouldn't more friends be the merrier? Would it kill people just to let one more person in their friendship group? What's the deal?

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Unfortunately I don't keep in contact with most of my friends from school. They either moved or we grew apart. So much for that. I was sick and tired of putting in effort and getting no effort in return. We were also a few people in our group.

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How do you know new people can't become good friends? Maybe they could if you gave them a chance? I mean how did someone become your best friend in the first place? They were once someone new!! I don't get it. Even old friends can betray you, grow apart and move too.

I don't think it is that most adults are cliquey... but that we know that new friends are more likely to leave the group than people we have been friends with for a lengthy period of time. Think of it this way, did you have a group of friends in high school, and or college? now how many of them are you still friends with? I had several friends from high school... guess what? Over the years people move, or move on and lose contact. I only hang out with three of my best friends from high school, and it has been 8 years since graduation. Out of those three I only see one regularly, because the others are busy with grad school and work, and travel a lot. From my first college which I went to for 4 years, you know how many friends I still am in regular contact with and hang out with on a somewhat regular basis? Two! I had a large group of close friends, and we called ourselves the group. We were actually not cliquey, I was the average joe type, the others were athletes, rednecks, drama geeks, computer nerds, frat boys and girls. so we were not biased. However, over the years of college people graduated, got kicked out, transferred, or had tones of drama and were cut loose. I'm only still close friends with two of them... the others fell by the way side. I only hang out with one regularly. I do have a few friends from my current college which I hang out with frequently. Long answer made shorter, people have realized that unless you are best friends new friends will fall by the wayside. I am nice to everyone and try to be friends with anyone who wants it. However, I am a realist. I know that new friends will most likely not be in my life a few years from now... so I do not put too much energy into the friendship unless I know we click and will be good friends. but good luck and i hope you find a group of friends you can be best friends with for years!
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Its so much mire difficult making new friends as an adult. I find people that when they have a clique- just stay with it. Shouldn't more friends be the merrier? Would it kill people just to let one more person in their friendship group? What's the deal?

 

A lot of the charm of a clique involves chatting or gossiping about its absent members. If you know people who members of the group know then that makes a huge difference. If you have any enemies in common then you'll be embraced into the bosom of the kirk. Sometimes enemies can be more useful than friends in that regard.

 

Dysfunctional sounding, maybe, but positive, healthy sounding chat about your garden, light fittings in the local department store and the hottest news item is just mundane filler conversation wise. It's when you get to that heartwarming "we hate the same people/are hated by the same people!" moment that the real bonding begins. Of course, at some point you'll also have to deal with all toxic elements of the drama and politicking that goes with it that approach to bonding with clique members. If you don't get involved to that degree, you're always going to be on the outskirts somewhat.

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Roadkill007

eh... would you really want to get close to someone who's voluntarily in a clique? :rolleyes: Just keep your eyes out and I'm sure you'll find some friends who don't get off on excluding people for their traits.

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Eternal Sunshine

Through my adult life, I have always been "adopted" by different cliques.

 

I moved around a lot and typically what happens is that I accidentally get to know a girl that is part of some clique. We get to know each other well and she would invite me a party or something where other people form the clique are present. I kind of try to be super fun and entataining on meeting them. Typically, they start inviting me to other events. And there you go, I am a member of a clique :p

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How do you know new people can't become good friends? Maybe they could if you gave them a chance? I mean how did someone become your best friend in the first place? They were once someone new!! I don't get it. Even old friends can betray you, grow apart and move too.

 

Yes, and new people can enrich other's lives through their experiences and accomplishments.

 

Naturally there was a most definite clique from grade school through h.s. Went to my 50 yr reunion a few yrs ago. Spoke to one who had been part of the main 'clique', and probably still is. Boring.

 

Be a Free Spirit and with interests & creativity, you'll be much happier and more fulfilled.

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But when you meet people you generally don't know who they don't like. And meeting new people you probably don't have enemies?

A lot of the charm of a clique involves chatting or gossiping about its absent members. If you know people who members of the group know then that makes a huge difference. If you have any enemies in common then you'll be embraced into the bosom of the kirk. Sometimes enemies can be more useful than friends in that regard.

 

Dysfunctional sounding, maybe, but positive, healthy sounding chat about your garden, light fittings in the local department store and the hottest news item is just mundane filler conversation wise. It's when you get to that heartwarming "we hate the same people/are hated by the same people!" moment that the real bonding begins. Of course, at some point you'll also have to deal with all toxic elements of the drama and politicking that goes with it that approach to bonding with clique members. If you don't get involved to that degree, you're always going to be on the outskirts somewhat.

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I don't get people who ate like this. All you need is a nasty breakup like what brought me here and then people to betray you and take sides- since people love taking sides even with a total Ahole. Then you've lost some friends.

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But when you meet people you generally don't know who they don't like. And meeting new people you probably don't have enemies?

 

Making friends with individuals isn't the problem. What you're asking is how to be accepted by a clique - and that's usually a different ball game.

 

When I was in my late teens I used to quite often hang around with a group of people who were my best friend's friends - but not mine. She had gone to university, I hadn't (I went later). The university offered a great social life of course, and I went to lots of parties, but ultimately these weren't my friends and I never kidded myself that they were. I did have other friends outside of that, but I've seldom been part of a clique. Many years later, I'm on friendly terms with some of those people and socialise with them even though my best friend has long since departed to the other side of the world. As far as they're concerned I was very much part of things back then. So sometimes a lot of it's in your mind in terms of whether or not you're a part of a group.

 

But in terms of intense bonding, unfortunately it often is the case that having a common enemy will create it. You can read it in an article like this http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/swann/docu/bosson_etal06_chemistry.pdf...(esp the part headed "Gossip, In-Groups, and Attributions" but really there's no need to spend too much time researching articles and studies to understand that it happens. You only need to people watch, and group watch, to see it. Somebody you don't normally get along with is suddenly being super friendly to you? Chances are they've just fallen out with somebody else far more vitriolically, and are trying to build up alliances.

 

However, functional, positive and healthy a group might seem....scratch below the surface and you will find various politics, shared fears, shared dislikes etc bonding group members together. All the stuff that goes on behind closed doors and in private conversations. These intense bondings occur at other people's expense - but they can fall apart just as easily. The bottom line is that either you're a natural pack member or you're not. I'm not. There are times I've felt like part of a group temporarily, but there will always come a point at which I just don't want to participate in the politics and therefore get squeezed out.

 

One of the things about these group situations is that there's so much bitching and back-biting. It's inevitable in a group - where there's constant insecurity, jostling for power, building and shattering of in-group alliances. In some groups it goes on in a very obvious and intense ways, in other groups it's low key enough to be relatively harmless. But it happens everywhere. A will get a paranoia or resentment about B, will speculate about them - and soon, in their mind, the speculation is a truth about B that they're sharing with other group members.

 

Meantime, B has no idea what is being said and no opportunity to defend themselves. Suddenly people B was friendly with at one point are cold shouldering them for reasons they don't understand. Real friends will let you know in some fairly clear and direct way if they're unhappy about something, so that you have a chance to resolve it. Fellow clique members won't give you those opportunities. They'll just bitch to other group members - and, as often as not, strengthen a bond with those other group members at your expense.

 

You don't have to be part of a clique to have friends....and as long as you're not part of a clique, I think you can be pretty sure that the people who you call your friends really are your friends.

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I don't get people who ate like this. All you need is a nasty breakup like what brought me here and then people to betray you and take sides- since people love taking sides even with a total Ahole. Then you've lost some friends.

 

I had lost my very best and closest friend of 22 years. It appeared he had turned into a judas, and leading to much physical/emotional/material anguish on my part.

 

So, I would ask: Once you have lost a friend, were they ever your 'friend' to begin with?

 

I'm thinking 'friends' are there to enjoy for the moment. frivolity.

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I had lost my very best and closest friend of 22 years. It appeared he had turned into a judas, and leading to much physical/emotional/material anguish on my part.

 

So, I would ask: Once you have lost a friend, were they ever your 'friend' to begin with?

 

I'm thinking 'friends' are there to enjoy for the moment. frivolity.

 

It's still hurts when people post on here mutual friends who were mature enough not to take sides and didn't side with the cheater and liar.

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It's still hurts when people post on here mutual friends who were mature enough not to take sides and didn't side with the cheater and liar.

 

It may hurt or seem confusing at the time you're going through it. But I have noticed (in casual friendship/relationships) when I reflect on those who rejected or turned their backs on me in the past - their friendship or support wasn't worth my attention. I had built these individuals up too much in my mind.

 

If for some reason people reject us - imo it's meant to move on - or to priorities.

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