Is it always friends forever?

[UpandAway]

Right so, I'm not even sure where to really begin with this... have you ever had a friend so close it felt like you were more like brothers or sisters? I used to have that. My best friend and I, from about the age of 12 to now (early 20's,) were ridiculously close. We spent every day together, we walked to school, hung out in school and then after school and the weekends. It was probably unhealthy but we didn't need anyone else. We were the weird goth girls in our town- we didn't like any of the douchebag guys or bitchy girls that were popular in our school/town- we had each other! So screw everyone else! (yeah, we were kinda like the two chicks from 'Ghost World'!)

 

Except that wasn't completely the case- sometimes I longed to be in with the other kids and do normal teenage stuff, instead of just hanging out in my friend's bedroom bitching about how annoying everyone else was. Don't get me wrong, I never wanted to be popular- just have a few more friends to hang around with. But my friend was always a more forceful personality than me. I've always felt like I was in her shadow. If we did make friends with any groups, it was always through her- and when she stopped wanting to hang out with them- well, I had to stop to.

 

Fast forward a few years... we are both just out of high school. Both in our first long-term relationships.Mine doesn't work out, but hers does. I even meet my current boyfriend through her dude. But her guy- I'm not a major fan of. He's rude and opinionated. He openly checks out other girls in front of her (including me!) She knows this,yet defends him to the last. I feel like I should be honest with her about it, but I don't know how. I've tried a little bit over the last few years, but whenever I do- I'm made out to be the bad guy.

 

It just sometimes seems like she has given all of her personality and independence up for him. Don't get me wrong, I've been accused by other friends of being too wrapped up in my relationship- but when push comes to shove, I'll always make an effort to spend time with my friends, even if that sometimes means not seeing my guy. My (former) best friend never makes that effort. Even worse than that, any private thing I tell her ALWAYS goes back to him, even if I ask her not to tell anyone. I'm finding that I can't tell her anything except superficial stuff cause I'm afraid he'll find out. It's very hard considering we used to be closer than sisters.

 

So... what do I do? I don't want to throw away a good friendship after twenty years of knowing each other, but I don't really feel like we have the confidence and trust that we used to have. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Also, I should add that it would be awkward were we to have a full-scale falling out as we have a lot of mutual friends, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

Everything, without exception, has a beginning, a middle and an end.

 

Without exception.

 

You've reached the descent, and things are diverging.

You're going to go your separate ways eventually.

This is the view you can see on the horizon.

 

Whether you engineer a faster way of getting there, or create a bridge, a short-cut, to that end - is up to you.

 

But whatever - it's inevitable, and nothing, but nothing escapes this process.

[UpandAway]

Thanks for your response, Tara. I don't know , sometimes I feel like if we didn't have mutual friends (which we actually made through our boyfriends) that we might not even be in contact at all anymore. Other times, I can hang out with her on our own for a few hours and we'll have a good time, and it's almost like old times again.

 

It seems harsh to throw away a relationship (cause it is a kinda relationship)of 20 years, but but at the same time it seems foolish to hang onto something for nostalgia. It's like we say we are best friends, but how can we really mean it?

 

I feel so lonely when I think of letting go though, or even of it ending organically, as you describe. I don't have that many other close friends ( another girl I'd consider being my best friend lives on the other side of the world at the moment!) I feel like at 23 my time for making friends for life is over, escpecially now I've finished college.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh goodness, look! I'm in my 50's and i've met, made and lost contact with countless friends over the decades.

I can honestly say i have no friendships which are older than about 5 years, right now.

 

Don't despair.

there's a saying which goes,

 

"A good friend helps you move house.

A REALLY good friend helps you move the body."

 

I can bet you a huge number of people cannot think of one single person they could ring at 3am, and say, come over, i need you - and they'd come, without question.

Very few people have a buddy as close as that.

The majority have close friends - but with limitations and agendas.

Life-long friends really aren't that common.

 

And like I say, everything has a beginning a middle and an end.

 

Let this end, but go out and get yourself some new beginnings.

Find hobbies, past-times, and other things to occupy your time.

 

join a rambler's club, help out at a local animal shelter, join an art class - or any type of class you'd really love to have a go at - yoga, knitting or rock-climbing....!

You'll see, things will come your way.

[UpandAway]

The majority have close friends - but with limitations and agendas.

Life-long friends really aren't that common.

 

Thanks again, Tara, your post has given me some food for thought! The above quote struck a chord with me- it's something I'm figuring out as I grow up that friends in real-life aren't like friends in the movies, where everyone has their friends best interests at heart and they stay friends for eternity. Everyone is more or less out for themselves and it's a bit depressing! i suppose i'm looking 'sex and the city' type best buds for life, and maybe that's just not realistic!

 

Do you really think there is no way back for me and by (former?) best friend? I don't think she's a bad person or anything, or a particularly toxic friend. Just maybe she doesn't care about the friendship as much as I do.

 

 

I really do need to get out and start living my own life, like you suggest. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm stuck on this friendship- I still act like a 13 year old in some ways. I'm afraid to go out and be an independent adult, I guess. Maybe it's for another thread but I feel as though it's easier to stand on the sidelines and watch life go by, than try and join other people and fail (which is probably why I never attempted to make friends outside my best friend when i was younger).

[TaraMaiden]

Do you really think there is no way back for me and by (former?) best friend? I don't think she's a bad person or anything, or a particularly toxic friend. Just maybe she doesn't care about the friendship as much as I do.

No, there's never a 'way back' for anyone, for anything. You can't undo what has elapsed, and just like friends, who become lovers, then decide to go back to friends again, the dynamics change, and events take turns which leave indelible tracks on the path. That's the way life is, because we have memories, and we remember.

The only way to go is forward. and if "Two paths diverge2 then, that's the way it is.

Don't mourn the passing, but be happy that at least you've been aware of the changing.

Maybe she's so wrapped up in her 'me' world, she's less aware than you....