Shohane Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Hi everyone, I need some advice from you. Some time ago, my friend (of opposite sex) and I had a previous argument in which both of us were at fault. I took the initiative to apologize. We were back together, but he didn't seem to realize (or know) what he did wrong. We had another BIG argument. He started it. BOTH were at fault again but he demanded an apology from me. I went ahead and apologized anyway. He never did. Truth is that I had some feelings for him (although not quite in the romantic sense because I never saw him as "BF material" or imagine myself dating him), these strong feelings caused me to react very strongly to his slightly hurtful words. My strong reactions caused these arguments. That's when he started to get bewildered; he did not understand how and why I acted the way I did, so he came up with all kinds of assumptions and accusations and even called me "psycho." I think because he's not aware of my feelings, he didn't hesitate to say hurtful words to me, which only caused a cascade of conflicts. We had a very bad fallout. In his last message, he angrily stated that he thought of me very badly, and he couldn't forgive me for trying to get one of his ex-friends against him; he said I was trying to meddle with the relationship between him and his friend, and he couldn't forgive that. He said, "I'm done with you. Don't speak to me again." [ The ex-friend is a girl who had feelings for him (not sure if their feelings were mutual), he let her go 5 months ago. When I was angry at him for hurting me so much, I told her what he said about her -- I didn't make anything up; it's his words. She blew up on him. Then he got angry at me for telling her. I swear that if they were still friends, I wouldn't try to get her on my side ] In response to him, I sort of hinted that his words hurt me a lot, and in the end, I said, "Any email from you after this point will end up in my trash can." I think I hurt him a lot, too. I was too proud to admit I had any feelings for him or that his words hurt me, so I hid it under the pretext that "you are disrespectful towards me", which made him think I had "power" issues as well. Should I: - Try to explain things immediately? Break this down to him - including explaining that I acted from my feelings, and then leave it up to him? (I don't expect him to return my feelings, btw, I just want to explain the real cause of all the conflicts we had). - Let some time pass for him to cool down, then explain? or - Respect his wish for 'no contact' and let it be - not try to explain anything? Let him go with that misunderstanding? And if he wants to come back, he should come on his own? PS: I'm ready to let go. In fact, I've been letting to of the old friendship completely, and I'm fine with not talking to him again. But I'm still wondering if I should clear out his misunderstanding about me.. Edited May 30, 2012 by Shohane Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Let it go. If you react and send something to him it's just going to make this worse. He needs cooling off! Back off completely and do not contact him in any way. As much as it hurts you, respect that! Plus, he has told you he doesn't wish to hear from you again and any email will end up in trash can, BELIEVE HIM! Maybe he'll come around and realize he was acting harshly towards you.. But, with that said, I can see why he is truly upset with you as he probably feels you went behind his back to cause some crap between him and that girl. Hate to say it but what you did wasn't cool. Sorry to be blunt there but it really is not her business what goes on between you and him and you dragged her into it. We had a very bad fallout. In his last message, he angrily stated that he thought of me very badly, and he couldn't forgive me for trying to get one of his ex-friends against him; he said I was trying to meddle with the relationship between him and his friend, and he couldn't forgive that. He said, "I'm done with you. Don't speak to me again." [ The ex-friend is a girl who had feelings for him (not sure if their feelings were mutual), he let her go 5 months ago. When I was angry at him for hurting me so much, I told her what he said about her -- I didn't make anything up; it's his words. She blew up on him. Then he got angry at me for telling her. I swear that if they were still friends, I wouldn't try to get her on my side ] It shouldn't have made a difference if they were or weren't friends. Fact is, he feels betrayed and ganged up on now which is why he is reacting this way. Also, it's obvious that they are still on talking terms hense him finding out what you said. She must have talked to him about it. Painful lesson learned unfortunately. Anyway, for your own sake and sanity, don't contact him. The ball is in his court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shohane Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 Plus, he has told you he doesn't wish to hear from you again and any email will end up in trash can, BELIEVE HIM! Erm... It's I who told him his email would end up in my trash can.. lol She must have talked to him about it. Actually, she blew up on him for speaking badly about her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 My mistake there! it's after 1 am.. PS: I'm ready to let go. In fact, I've been letting to of the old friendship completely, and I'm fine with not talking to him again. But I'm still wondering if I should clear out his misunderstanding about me.. Will this bother you in the future? Leaving things as they are? Seems the friendship was on it's way down anyway.. Maybe it's best to just shut the door on this and never look back. Not sure how you're going to change his mind about this even if you did email or call him? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Actually, she blew up on him for speaking badly about her. Rightfully so, but you shouldn't have told her what he said about her.. He's a shi.t for saying whatever it was behind his back, but I'm sure he didn't think you'd tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted May 30, 2012 Share Posted May 30, 2012 Why do you need to clear up the misunderstanding if you don't plan to speak to him again? It sounds like you still want a shot at you two being friends again somewhere down the line. You sound very emotionally reactive - meaning once you're feelings are hurt you kind of go off on the person who hurt you as a reflex. After having snapped at this guy twice without explaining to him why you reacted the way you did, I'm guessing he'd be hesitant to trust anything conciliatory you had to say at this point. I also don't see anywhere in your post where you've made an effort at any point to explain why you have these emotional reactions to certain things he says, or get hurt by them. Yet you're talking about him as though he intentionally tried to hurt your feelings. How's he supposed to know he's offended you if you just attack him without explaining that you're hurt, and why? That's not very fair to him. Also, there was no reason to involve that other girl in this. You've basically shown that you are capable and have no qualms with ruining other relationships in his life, that have nothing to do with you, because your feelings are hurt. And again, it sounds like he may not even understand why your feelings are hurt. Would you want someone in your life that you seem to piss off often for reasons you can't understand and they won't explain, who runs around trying to get other people to be pissed at you because you hurt their feelings? Does that sound like someone you'd want in your life? From what you've written, you sound like that pissed off person to this guy. I'd recommend staying NC. The damage is done, and if he's willing to forgive he'll come to you in his own time. When he does, you can do the first option you listed which is explaining your feelings and why you've acted the way you did. But, again, wait for him to make contact with you before you do that. He doesn't want to talk to you right now, so you contacting him would kind of be like harassment. Plus it's likely he's not going to listen to you anyway. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shohane Posted May 30, 2012 Author Share Posted May 30, 2012 (edited) Not sure how you're going to change his mind about this even if you did email or call him? He's thinking I was a "psycho" who got angry for no reason. Maybe he'll understand if I explain I acted out of strong feelings. The fact that I feel regret hurting him and I wish to fix things. He has loads of issues himself, too. So I don't want the "old friendship" that was full of problems, but to start anew, turn a new leaf. What do you think about letting at least a few months pass, then contact him (explain things as well?) to see if we can build a new friendship? Edited May 30, 2012 by Shohane Link to post Share on other sites
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