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End the friendship or not?


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Hi, I'm just new here but i really need advice with a problem with one of my friends. I'm going to call him 'patrick'. I'm just going to list the reasons and try to give a little back story as to why im considering ending my friendship with patrick.

 

1. He continually tries to put the blame on other people.

When we were out at a club one night, my friend told him that we thought it wasn't very good (the rest of the group) and he started getting angry at our friend which im going to call 'Nick'. he started telling nick to stop complaining and that all he ever does is complain and moan. So a bit of a fight broke out (verbally, not physically) that night and the next day when i told patrick that he started it and that i personally thought he should apologise he texted nick saying something like "Im sorry for last night, its just because you were complaining all night" or something like that, which basically put all the blame on nick. Patrick always does things like this though, he got kicked out of a club once because he was acting really silly, being drunk, and i was telling him to calm down, and he blamed me for it.

 

2. 'Plays the victim'

Well he's being talking about the same problems for over a year and a half now, like school really messing him up and his family messing him up, and those being the reasons hes never had a girlfriend and stuff, but i actually felt sorry for him and believed him until about 6-7 months ago, when i had tried a lot of different things to get him sorted out, one of them was suggesting he join an online dating site to try and get a girlfriend, and he said "no, its just creepy." and then another friend i'll call "marcus" and I joined up to try to encourage him to join but then we both realised that he wouldn't even do that to try and sort out his "problems" with not having a girlfriend. So I came to the conclusion that he just likes to moan about stuff for attention or to get people to feel sorry for him or something.

I should explain this more, Patrick keeps complaining about school messing him up but all of our friends have had worse times at school than he has (except me, between me and patrick, its debatable over who had the worst school years) and ive had worse experiences than he ever has in his entire life but i dont go on about them, I've mentioned the worst thing that's ever happened to me once to my friends and thats been it, and it was far worse and more traumatising that anything patrick has ever complained about. Not that im trying to undermine his 'problems' but it was far worse than any of the things he said that bothered him, and it's quite personal so i'd rather not say what it is. On top of that, i got a beer bottle smashed over my head and was afraid to leave my house for a month because of it and after the initial incident, i never brought it up again. So compared to that, i think his problems are quite trivial.

 

3. Never listens to other people

So, like I said, patrick always likes to complain about trivial things about his life, and one night, when i was listening to him and talking to him about his problems in his car, he had finished what he was talking about and i said "oh yeah, i know how you're feeling, ive been depressed lately because of.." and then he cut me off and spoke over me, talking about his 'problems' which we had already discussed. I felt so insignificant when he done this, like i wasnt as important as him or something.

 

4. He only does good things for people so they can pay him back or he can be rewarded in some way.

Well, this one is quite easy to explain.. One of our friends (William) used to get abused by his mother when he was younger and on top of that he was bullied at school, so patrick (who was already taking abuse from the same person) fought the person who was bullying patrick and william, and because after 5 years william, didnt praise patrick and constantly shower him with gifts (after patrick turned into a bit of a bully, telling william he was fat and needed to go to the gym and that he was a loser for liking comics and video games), patrick decided that it was fair to tell all of our friends that william had broke down in tears randomly once due to his mothers abuse. On top of that, anytime patrick and I have a disagreement, he will bring up the time he pulled me out of a fight after i got a beer bottle broken over my head (which happened years ago) to guilt me into thinking im the bad guy and that i should eternally respect him for that one act.

 

4. Lack of trust.

9 months ago Patrick was telling me he had a problem with me, and he told me that all of my other friends thought this too, he told me they were all talking behind my back, including him and that i was the bad guy. however whenever someone else did the same thing that i done, nothing was mentioned and nobody minded. Patrick told me a lot of times that my friends (including him) were talking about me behind my back but he somehow thought because he told me, that made him the good guy in all of it. So not only did he make me feel as if everyone hated me, but he also made me feel bullied into submitting to him and made me lose trust with every single one of my friends. So for the 9-10 months since that incident, i have considered ending my friendships with all of my friends to find new ones, but in the present, i am thinking that only patrick is the friend that needs to go.

 

Those are the biggest reasons, there are plenty more but I wanted to keep this relatively short.

My biggest problem is that all of my friends are patricks friends too, plus when we all go out, patrick is usually the one who drives us there or gives us a ride there so im conflicted on whether i should just end the friendship and make everything awkward between seeing my friends or whether i should just keep my mouth shut until i find new friends.

I've had these thoughts for almost a year now, I didnt want to say anything to him because i thought he genuinely had problems but once i realised he was just complaining for the sake of it and not wanting to accept responsibility for anything he's done 'wrong' i just realised that i need to stop making excuses for him and stop letting him drag me down with him.

 

So after reading all this (if you managed to get through it all lol) do you think i should end it or not?

 

P.S I havent told him about any of these problems incase he takes it bad and it starts a row, which, i dont have the energy for because i think it would be a waste of my time due to not trusting this friend one bit. Also he may take it bad and try to blame and undermine my feelings towards him and make me look like the bad guy to all of my friends, which would end any trusting friendship i have with them. So should i tell him, just end it or just keep my mouth shut?

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After everything you've listed-I think it's a good idea to introduce him to the curb.

 

He's behaving like he's in junior high. He's a bully, a gossip, and a blame-shifter. There will always be drama with people like that. Which means your general peace of mind is going to be affected.

 

And whatever you do ---DON'T give him any personal information that you don't want to have broadcasted through your entire social circle.

 

 

As far as how to go about it---I think you'd be better off doing the slow fade-out, rather than a confrontation. You're not likely to be heard, & there's good chance that anything you say will get twisted & used against you.Just start being less & less available to hang out with him.

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Thanks for the reply.

I know, I haven't given him any information in almost a year, I was smart enough to do that at least.

I don't know though, there's just this part of me that really wants to tell him the reasons i posted above, just my gut feeling, even though everyone i ask tells me the same thing, to try and wait it out until he fades but the problem with that is that all of my friends are mutual friends with him so, it puts me in an awkward position if i want to phase him out.

He'll take it badly if i invite everyone out except him and if i try to phase him out i cant see my friends so ill lose closeness with them.

Have you any advice for trying to take the fade-out option with that in mind? That doesn't involve making new friends, because I still want to keep in touch with my current ones.

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Thanks for the reply.

I know, I haven't given him any information in almost a year, I was smart enough to do that at least.

I don't know though, there's just this part of me that really wants to tell him the reasons i posted above, just my gut feeling, even though everyone i ask tells me the same thing, to try and wait it out until he fades but the problem with that is that all of my friends are mutual friends with him so, it puts me in an awkward position if i want to phase him out.

He'll take it badly if i invite everyone out except him and if i try to phase him out i cant see my friends so ill lose closeness with them.

Have you any advice for trying to take the fade-out option with that in mind? That doesn't involve making new friends, because I still want to keep in touch with my current ones.

 

Ironically---I'm going through the same thing with one of my friends..

 

A lot of the same behaviors you described, actually.

 

I'm hung up on the same thing---how to handle the mutual friends.

So far, I've kept my mouth shut, even though my former friend has been trash-talking me.

 

I've been coldly polite when I see her at gatherings, as I'm not one for making scenes.

 

What I'm hoping at this point--is that the mutual friends will notice who's got the dirty hands from slinging mud. And, I'm hoping that they'll appreciate that I haven't dumped on any of them, putting them in that awkward position of being in the middle. In the long run--it may pay off.

 

It's still not a bad idea to make some new friends, and widen your social horizons---it IS possible that things will implode, and your mutual friends will choose sides. No, it's not fair, not at all--but I wouldn't hurt to be prepared. I'm not saying to ditch your mutual friends---just start expanding.

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Ah, it's such a bad situation to be in, I held all my thoughts in about him but I'm sad to admit that after all this time i finally broke and started talking about him behind his back to other people. It was after we were all out drinking and i was drunk but as soon as i done it, i found it hard to stop, like talking about all the unresolved issues was some kind of addiction, and it would take hours to go through all of them in a single session.

 

But, there was a silver lining to the 'mud flinging'.

I found out that my other friends arent too fond of him either, So that makes me feel better.

 

I don't know how long you've kept your mouth shut about it for, but, I can tell you that after so long, I started to feel like my mental health may have been at risk from holding in so much stuff. So I started trash talking him and i felt better, but i feel bad because i'm doing what he does so it doesnt make things any better for me really.

 

Also, finding out that other people dislike him for the same reasons opens me up to the temptation of doing what he does and getting everyone to gang up on someone so that if things aren't going my way and i get desperate i can force him into trying to change.

 

And it was really satisfying when i sent my friend the first draft of the text i was going to send my former friend and he told me that he agreed with all of it, but since then, i've redone the text and made it more of a "I hope you can change your ways." kind of text instead of a slightly angry one. It ends with something along the lines of "you were one of my closest friends once but if you're going to keep being this person then im sorry but ive had enough of it and i wont put up with it any more."

 

I think by sending it i could know that i tried to get our friendship back so if it goes south from there i can say to myself at least i tried to fix things, instead of wondering "what if?"

 

I know i was talking about myself there but i was just explaining a bit more about my situation incase it could somehow help with yours because i didnt know how to word it properly into advice for your situation.. lol

 

I would try to make new friends but I'm just not ready to put myself out there right now, so it's not really an option for me. I've just had such low self-esteem lately because of the whole friend thing and i'm afraid of it affecting my social skills.

 

Oh and by the way, what i was trying to tell you in this post was that i regret bad mouthing him because even though i felt better finding out that other people didnt like him, i still felt bad for bad mouthing him instead of going straight to him even though it's quite a big deal because i dont want to cut down my already low number of friends by going to him and telling him and him starting an argument that i really just dont think is worth my time and effort over a person like him.

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Ah, it's such a bad situation to be in, I held all my thoughts in about him but I'm sad to admit that after all this time i finally broke and started talking about him behind his back to other people. It was after we were all out drinking and i was drunk but as soon as i done it, i found it hard to stop, like talking about all the unresolved issues was some kind of addiction, and it would take hours to go through all of them in a single session.

 

It's totally understandable when that happens.

 

But, there was a silver lining to the 'mud flinging'.

I found out that my other friends arent too fond of him either, So that makes me feel better.

 

I don't know how long you've kept your mouth shut about it for, but, I can tell you that after so long, I started to feel like my mental health may have been at risk from holding in so much stuff. So I started trash talking him and i felt better, but i feel bad because i'm doing what he does so it doesnt make things any better for me really.

 

I've kept my mouth shut for a little over a year now--and it's definitely affected my peace of mind...However, I don't feel like I can gripe about her trash-talking me, if I do the same thing.

 

Also, finding out that other people dislike him for the same reasons opens me up to the temptation of doing what he does and getting everyone to gang up on someone so that if things aren't going my way and i get desperate i can force him into trying to change.

 

Will you feel good about yourself---if you give in to the temptation of "mobbing"?

 

And it was really satisfying when i sent my friend the first draft of the text i was going to send my former friend and he told me that he agreed with all of it, but since then, i've redone the text and made it more of a "I hope you can change your ways." kind of text instead of a slightly angry one. It ends with something along the lines of "you were one of my closest friends once but if you're going to keep being this person then im sorry but ive had enough of it and i wont put up with it any more."

 

I think by sending it i could know that i tried to get our friendship back so if it goes south from there i can say to myself at least i tried to fix things, instead of wondering "what if?"

Well---if you're hoping to get through to him, hoping he'll listen to reason---it is a better idea to send something that shows compassion, instead of just anger. Not that your anger isn't justified, it IS................. But most people immediately become defensive when someone approaches them in anger. They're less likely to hear anything you have to say.

 

 

I know i was talking about myself there but i was just explaining a bit more about my situation incase it could somehow help with yours because i didnt know how to word it properly into advice for your situation.. lol

As far as my situation--I don't wish to renew the friendship. My former friend crossed the line, by pulling my significant other to the side, & giving him an earful about me. She was my "go-to" girlfriend , when I had relationship issues, over the years, so this was a HUGE breach of trust. A violation of the "Girlfriend Code". I felt like I'd been sucker-punched when I found out. All I can do is try to heal from feeling betrayed.

 

 

 

I would try to make new friends but I'm just not ready to put myself out there right now, so it's not really an option for me. I've just had such low self-esteem lately because of the whole friend thing and i'm afraid of it affecting my social skills.

 

Oh and by the way, what i was trying to tell you in this post was that i regret bad mouthing him because even though i felt better finding out that other people didnt like him, i still felt bad for bad mouthing him instead of going straight to him even though it's quite a big deal because i dont want to cut down my already low number of friends by going to him and telling him and him starting an argument that i really just dont think is worth my time and effort over a person like him.

 

 

I know what you mean about time & effort......I'd rather invest my energy in friendships that are based on mutual respect, relatively equal airtime in conversations ---(Dialogue, instead of monologue..), and general reciprocity.

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Yeah, i agree with everything you said, and no, i wouldnt feel good about myself by bringing everyone else into it because i dont want to do the same things he does and then tell him not to do it anymore, unless it were just once to teach him a lesson about how it feels when that happens so he can get a better grasp on why not to do it, though i know if i did it in this case i would just be doing it out of anger, trying to get revenge. But im more anxious about being so desperate to get through to him that i might do it when he angers me enough, so I'm trying to think of a good way to tell him and let him know without showing too much compassion that he'll just take it and then think it's not important and im trying to not show as much anger that he'll get defensive and we end our friendship.

 

I think at the very least i'd like a way to let him know and for him to take it serious enough so that even if our friendship is ruined, he can be an aquaintance that im able to tolerate, because now I just feel like every time i speak to him i wanna explode and just yell at him until it gets drilled into his head, but i know that would just end up being destructive.

 

Anyway, thank you for the advice and i hope your situation ends soon. I know one way or the other mine will end and a new chapter of my life will start, either way i think it will be for the best in the long run and I'll be able to put more effort into better friendships with other people, instead of having this on my mind constantly.

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Hi, just an update, i trusted my gut and sent a text, we talked it out and it went well, he apologised right away which i was shocked at. Thanks for your advice freestyle, i redone the text and made it more compassionate and less angry, which i think really helped so thank you.

 

I hope everything turns out well for you and your situation, which ever way you want it to go.

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