CarrieT Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Here it is as briefly as I can: Friends for twenty+ years.When she bore a child out of an affair with a married man nine years ago, I stood by her (half her friends dumped her).When she didn't file for paternity or take the married man to court for support, I stood by her (most of her other friends dumped her).When she decided to go back to school, I loaned her $6k (I was rich then - never expected to see it returned and I have never asked for it, although she herself has acknowledged the debt).Even though we live across the country, we talk every weekend and she has been there through every upheaval and relationship issue I have had.Most of her problems have been about her judgmental, right-wing family (she is a left-wing Pagan) and severe money issues.Tomorrow she is supposed to have an emergency root canal that her mother is paying for (on a credit card) because my friend can't afford it and has no insurance for her or her child. The clincher: Tonight she texts me, gloating about her brand new iPhone 4S. I am at wit's end to having continually listened to her financial woes, hardships, and health issues and yet this level of irresponsibility just makes me nuts. What to say to a person? I care about her and we have been through a lot. She is going to want to talk about the phone; do I state that it is a sore point with me because I know she can't afford it? Or just pretend it is the elephant in the room and let it go... Link to post Share on other sites
TripLine Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Set her straight. What are you, scared? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 Wo. I would also set her straight. Maybe not directly. Just be obviously uncomfortable talking about the iphone. Ask about her teeth directly after she mentions the phone etc. Make the point without making the point. Just make it obvious what you think with the way you communicate. You are disappointed right? I think that planting seeds is the best way to make a point with old friends. Rather than having it "out", it is best just to send them off thinking. What do you want to get out of this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Teknoe Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 Hi Carrie. That's tough. I've experienced this but not to the degree of 20 years, nor this "clingy." I'd say the best route is honesty. She deserves that much, rather than slowly trying to weed her out. Just set your boundaries. Hopefully she'll respect them. If she's draining your energy you need to do something about it for your sanity's sake. Everyone has a limit. It sounds like you two have grown apart, but she is forcing the relationship to continue on a level you're not comfortable with. I know acquaintances I don't mind seeing once a week. But contacting me every other day or so would irk me. You just need to set boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CarrieT Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 I actually am going to disagree with all your suggestions and go with my M's guidance... We all spend money on things we can't afford and being annoyed at her fiscal irresponsibility is not my job. We haven't necessarily grown apart and talking once a week is a great way to stay in touch considering we are on opposite sides of the country. Bringing up my displeasure on how she spends her money will not be productive in any way. I learned that lending money to friends is a very risky business and I am never expecting to see my $6k back - I can let that go and our friendship is worth more than that anyway. I am just moving on and going back to the way things were. Chiding her on her spending habits will have no effect and would only put a rift in the relationship. But it was good to come here and vent when it happened. I'm over it now. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 Let it go. My aunt is EXACTLY the same, and while my dad and I talk about her financial irresponsibility, neither of us say to her anything cause frankly, it's none of our business AND it won't matter 1 bit. She recently bought a new 2012 Nissan Qashqai +2, 4 iPads and 2 iPhones 4S. She doesn't work, her husband is a blue collar (so you can figure he doesn't earn much) who works at 3!! jobs. She also has 4 kids (is why she got 4 iPads...). So frankly if her actions bothers you so much than just don't be her friends, otherwise, enjoy what she offers. You aren't her mom. Link to post Share on other sites
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