Getting the silent treatment from a friend

[Strange Moon]

This will be a rather long post and my english is not that great so I apologize in advance.

 

I’ll begin with some facts about myself.

I’m male, in the mid 40s, living in an LTR for 27 years now.

It is a rare event for me to make new friends because I find 95% of all people completely uninteresting and because I’m only interested in deep and meaningful friendships, the kind of friendship most people have no time and interest in anymore.

If I DO make a friend, the friendship usually lasts very long. My friends have about a 50/50 male/female ratio. My best friend is a woman and I have another good woman friend, both of them have been my friends for almost 10 years.

I’m only pointing this out to show that friendships with women are normal for me and they usually work well.

 

Now enter this woman that I met on a mail-friend site 1 ½ years ago, let’s call her F.

We immediately noticed how similar our minds work and she introduced me to the Myers-Briggs-Type-Indicator (MBTI). Sure enough I tested as an INTJ personality like her. It means we both are rationalists. This friend is married, they are around 30 years old. Let’s call her husband H.

F. and I developed a great friendship, first by writing us long mails, then by messaging and chatting by messenger almost every day and talking on the phone about 2-3 times per month. They live in another country but they have the same nationality as I. A few months ago I visited them at home and around christmas we met again here in my country where they were visiting family and we all agreed that we had a very nice time together. F. told me a couple of times that she cares a lot about me (in a friendly way). H. told me that it’s amazing that F. found such a good friend on a mail-friend-website. He said that that he likes me too.

From my point of view this was really an almost perfect friendship. I could openly talk about everything both to F. and her husband. They both asked me for advice in personal matters and they also gave ME advice when I asked for it. We were discussing interesting subjects a few times a week.

There was no sexual attraction and no jealousy issues (that I know of). I did NOT make a pass at her (nor did she make a pass at me.) If we had an occasional disagreement we solved it in a civil manner. There was never any drama whatsoever.

Contact was initiated about equally often by F. and by me. If anything she was even keener than I to plan our rare meetings way in advance.

One day we discussed how friendships sometimes end because one friend suddenly loses interest in the other and just stops replying to mails or to return calls or how some people use the new standard way of ending a friendship…deleting somebody from your Facebook-friend-list.

Both H. and I have had bad experiences in that regard. We all agreed how painful it can be if a supposedly close friend just stops replying to mails and calls without giving a reason.

 

A few weeks ago I had a phone conversation with F..

H. was sitting next to her as usual and he sometimes commented on our conversation. The mood was nice and funny as always.

The NEXT day I got a mail from F. in which she asks me about a remark I made in another phone conversation about two weeks ago and about another conversation that we had maybe half a year ago. F. did not like an advice that I gave them a couple of weeks ago.

H. has some problems concerning his self-confidence and he’s sometimes depressed and unsatisfied with his life. F. and I have talked and written about this a couple of times and she had asked me for advice about what H. could do to be happier with himself and his life. I had a few ideas. Some of them F. and H. liked and they immediately took steps to realize them. In one phone-conversation I proposed that H. could change his style of clothing.

He’s usually dressed pretty conservative and slightly boring. He’s a very tall and slim guy and doesn’t look bad. He could look pretty cool if he put on some more interesting clothes. I think that the way you dress can have a positive influence on your self-esteem.

F. didn’t think so and she told me so in her mail, weeks after we had discussed this subject.

I did not mind that she had a different opinion on the subject. We’ve discussed a lot of more controversial subjects before but it never became personal.

But the tone of her mail was uncharacteristically aggressive and she was implying that if I really judge the worth of a person by the kind of clothes he’s wearing I would be a rather shallow person and that maybe she has misjudged me after all.

This attack came completely unexpected and it seemed to me that she deliberately misinterpreted my words in a rather unfriendly way.

I mean she was asking ME for advice and when I told her what I think is a pretty sound and reasonable advice she accuses me of being shallow and to judge a person by the clothes he’s wearing?

 

I wrote a quick reply in which I said basically that if she really thinks that bad about me it would be better if we stop talking for a while. Three days later I sent her a long mail explaining in detail what I really meant by the remarks that have apparently offended her. Of course I’m not judging anybody by his clothes, I just thought it would be a good idea to change your style if you want to change yourself. It was just an idea, how to help H.. I also told her in no uncertain terms that I felt unfairly attacked by her mail. My mail also had a rather aggressive tone but I did dot insult her. I was just vehemently explaining my position and told her that I don’t appreciate being called “shallow” and that I don’t appreciate being asked for advice and then attacked when I give it.

She did not answer that day so the next day I asked her by SMS if she is still angry with me.

She replied that she is not angry anymore, that everything is fine, that she has not much time but that she will let me know when we can talk. She also texted me a *hug*. (Now I think in that moment she had not read my mail from the day before yet.)

 

I was glad that she was not pissed off anymore and I was looking forward to our next conversation.

The next day she did not write but I wrote her a mail telling her about a funny discussion I had at work. In the evening I checked my account on the mail-friend-site where I first met her 1 ½ years ago.

I was shocked to see that she had deleted me from her friends list in the morning and also blocked me so that I could not send her messages over this site. (We never used it anyway, we were writing us normal e-mails.)

I immediately sent F. an SMS asking her why she has deleted me I got no answer. Since then she has not replied to any message, mail or call. Furthermore when I tried to call them again a few weeks after the incident they had changed their landline-phone number! (They also have issues with F.’s family so maybe that was the reason for changing the number. Changing it just because I might call them again would be more than a bit paranoid.)

I must say in all my life this is among the most puzzling reactions I ever had from a friend or acquaintance. Why is she doing this? Something must have been brooding inside her for a long time but why was she always so sweet and friendly and kept calling and writing me without telling me what is bothering her? And why this immature reaction of deleting me from her friends-list instead of calling me and telling me she’s angry. It’s a totally irrational behaviour? How could I have misjudged her and her husband so severely? At least F. appeared to be a balanced and reasonable person.

I would never have thought that my friend could show such irrational and hurtful behaviour against somebody she told just a week ago she “loves” as a friend.

I think giving somebody you told repeatedly that you care about him and love him as a friend the silent treatment is cruel, especially when the friend has done nothing but stated a different opinion in an e-mail.

 

I’m usually a pretty balanced and calm guy but I admit that this event throw me into an emotional turmoil for some days. I couldn’t sleep or eat for three or four days.

I was thinking about how I could have misjudged two people that I talked and/or chatted with every other day for 1 ½ years. I was thinking why a supposedly rational person who is very interested in stoic philosophy can have such an extremely emotional reaction because of a comparatively minor argument. I was thinking if it maybe just was the final straw and if she was pissed off about other things but never said a word.

How can I know that something is wrong if somebody is sweet and nice to me every day and never says that something is wrong?

I was also blaming myself for ****ing up this friendship but both my girlfriend and my best friend told me that I did not do anything wrong besides replying to an aggressive mail in a rather rude manner and that I have apologized for this immediately. So, by now I feel much better and have mentally already filed the events in my “bad experiences with online friends” folder.

I have sent F. a long letter explaining my point of view and when she received it she finally sent me a short SMS, just saying that the friendship is over. Better than nothing, I guess.

 

What’s your opinion about all this?

I can’t imagine that I would give a close friend the silent treatment, if I would cut somebody out of my life I would give him/her a VERY long written explanation that will “prove” the logic and rationality of what I’m doing and I think that most INTJs would do the same. Also I would never refuse to talk to a friend just because of an offensive mail or even some rude words said in the heat of the moment. If I would be THAT sensitive I would have no friends at all. But as I said before…in the case of F. I did NOT use any bad language.

Of course people tell me to just move on and forget about her because she “obviously” never was a real friend to begin with. I also think that it is better to know the truth than to live an illusion, I would always choose the “red pill” instead of the “blue pill”.

It would be very difficult anyway to gain back my trust in her. Trust is hard to gain but easy to destroy. I’d always have to be careful what I say or write and I’d always be suspicious that she might hurt me again.

So, I have accepted that this friendship is over.

 

Still, I miss my friend and I’m not angry with her. Just puzzled and disappointed.

[Almond_Joy]

Just a hypothesis based on my personal experience:

 

I tested INTJ for all of my relatively short life (I'm 26, took my first Meyer's Briggs at 18) without deviation. I then had the worst romantic breakup I've ever experienced about a year ago. Since then I have ONLY tested INFJ. Same test, same questions, but my mind just doesn't work that way anymore since that breakup.

 

I think a significant emotional experience can alter the way people think and react on a regular basis. It sounds like that may have been what happened here. You mention she's had trouble with her family, and that her husband is depressed. She may have been repressing a lot of strong feelings about these issues and something about that discussion just made her snap. Or something major happened that made her snap.

 

In either case, it sounds like you did all you can do to reconcile. If she refuses to make the effort to do the same....there's nothing you can do about that. Have you tried reaching out to the husband to see if he's still amicable?

 

If neither of them will speak to you, grieve for the lost friendship and put it behind you. If she decides to come around and reconcile, she knows how to get a hold of you.

[Strange Moon]

 

In either case, it sounds like you did all you can do to reconcile. If she refuses to make the effort to do the same....there's nothing you can do about that. Have you tried reaching out to the husband to see if he's still amicable?

 

 

Yes, I've sent him two e-mails and I wrote a letter addressed to both of them. The fact that HE did not reply is even stranger to me than HER silence. Because he always was acting like a very sweet, emotional and understanding guy whereas my friend is a typically "cool" INTJ.

 

But you are right, I've done everything I can. Both my girlfriend and my best friend said to me "it's their loss" and that's how I think about it now too.

I doubt that they will change their minds but I certainly would like to talk to them again. However I don't think I could trust them again as I used to.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I've sent him two e-mails and I wrote a letter addressed to both of them. The fact that HE did not reply is even stranger to me than HER silence. Because he always was acting like a very sweet, emotional and understanding guy whereas my friend is a typically "cool" INTJ.

 

But you are right, I've done everything I can. Both my girlfriend and my best friend said to me "it's their loss" and that's how I think about it now too.

I doubt that they will change their minds but I certainly would like to talk to them again. However I don't think I could trust them again as I used to.

 

It hurts when you put energy into a friendship, and you care about the person and then they choose to walk away.. It's okay to feel that stuff, but in all honesty keep things in perspective. it was an "online friendship" and even though you thought you knew her and her husband, you didn't. On some level you did, but there was/is so much more that you don't know about them..even with phone calls, it's hard to tell their frame of mind.

 

Focus on people who genuinally care about you and have your back, also try to keep friendships face to face. Online it's easy to take things out of context and have hurt feelings, confusion and wonder what's real/what's fake.

 

It's their loss, your gf and friend are right! Don't waste your time on people who aren't interested in friendship with you.