annaowen Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 an ex and i are still friends. we don't have much contact, but do see each other occasionally. i still have some residual feelings for my ex, but also am still deeply hurt by some of his actions since our breakup. our friendship always remains pretty superficial, as he does not like to be questioned or talk much about his life in specifics (especially dating). the last year or so, he has been difficult to contact and make plans with. when i asked if he were dating someone he crabbily said it was none of my business and he didn't have time. however, i have recently seen some facebook pictures online that show he is dating, and has been dating the same person for about a year. his family and some of his closest friends have recently added her as friends on facebook. in finding this out, all kinds of things come through my mind. it makes sense why he has been having difficulty committing to plans, and getting aggravated when i try to do something nice like take him out for his birthday or buy gifts for christmas and his birthday. i assume it is friendship and since he doesn't mention anyone special, i think i am being a good friend by trying to let him know someone cares. he gets irritated, most likely because he has a girlfriend and someone to take care of him. we recently got into a huge fight and he told me to leave him alone. i guess i wonder, why did he choose to cause all this misunderstanding between us instead of honestly telling me he was in a serious relationship with someone and wanted to focus his time on that person? also, why didn't he make it clear that he was dating someone so that if he had any suspicions about my still being interested in him he could nip it once and for all? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 i guess i wonder, why did he choose to cause all this misunderstanding between us instead of honestly telling me he was in a serious relationship with someone and wanted to focus his time on that person? also, why didn't he make it clear that he was dating someone so that if he had any suspicions about my still being interested in him he could nip it once and for all? He didn't tell you because: he does not like to be questioned or talk much about his life in specifics (especially dating). and because: i still have some residual feelings for my ex, but also am still deeply hurt by some of his actions since our breakup. our friendship always remains pretty superficial He probably felt it would be an uncomfortable topic for discussion and just didn't want to get into it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annaowen Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 so i asked my ex if he was dating someone, explaining that it was pretty obvious i had feelings for him and that i was looking for closure so that i could deal with my feelings and move on. he did tell me he was dating someone (and i appreciate his honestly), however, he closed by saying we would talk soon. as someone who found out a guy i care about is in a serious relationship with someone else, i was heartbroken. however, it bothers me he remarked that we would talk soon. it seemed like he was glad to confront the issue, but the whole situation points out that our friendship is not very strong in the first place. i'm surprised that he would close out with something so open-ended. why, when asking for closure from this guy, does he seem unable to close the door completely? it seemed to me like he couldn't firmly shut the door, but only confirmed that he was dating. is he that insecure? cowardly? selfish? i don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 You really shouldn't trying to read all kinds of things into it. Especially if it was a text conversation. He didn't leave anything open-ended about YOUR dating relationship. That is over, and he is dating someone else. That is (or should be) enough closure for you. He may have just wanted to end the conversation right then, but did want to give you the closure you want by talking some other time about those "feelings for him" that you told him about. The thing is, any further discussion of your feelings will lead to him telling you he has feelings for the woman he's dating, so I don't know what kind of closure you are expecting. It's usually better NOT to be friends with exes, for precisely this reason. You don't want to be around on the sidelines and still pining for him when he starts dating someone else. I'm sorry you are hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 an ex and i are still friends. we don't have much contact, but do see each other occasionally. i still have some residual feelings for my ex, but also am still deeply hurt by some of his actions since our breakup. our friendship always remains pretty superficial, as he does not like to be questioned or talk much about his life in specifics (especially dating). the last year or so, he has been difficult to contact and make plans with. when i asked if he were dating someone he crabbily said it was none of my business and he didn't have time. however, i have recently seen some facebook pictures online that show he is dating, and has been dating the same person for about a year. his family and some of his closest friends have recently added her as friends on facebook. in finding this out, all kinds of things come through my mind. it makes sense why he has been having difficulty committing to plans, and getting aggravated when i try to do something nice like take him out for his birthday or buy gifts for christmas and his birthday. i assume it is friendship and since he doesn't mention anyone special, i think i am being a good friend by trying to let him know someone cares. he gets irritated, most likely because he has a girlfriend and someone to take care of him. we recently got into a huge fight and he told me to leave him alone. i guess i wonder, why did he choose to cause all this misunderstanding between us instead of honestly telling me he was in a serious relationship with someone and wanted to focus his time on that person? also, why didn't he make it clear that he was dating someone so that if he had any suspicions about my still being interested in him he could nip it once and for all? Now you know why it's absolutely impossible to keep a friendship after breaking up. It IS possible to do .. In the future once hurt feelings are healed and feelings of attachment/love/emotion are gone and what's left is detachment (meaning no jealous feelings or hurt feelings) and a nice genuine care for someone you used to be with. It takes a while to get to that place, that is if a friendship is meant to happen between ex's. Not all want to be, or can be, it takes two. Anyway, you're way too involved and still attached. He doesn't owe you any explanation of his choices, he doesn't need to explain himself to you anymore either. Back off and spend time with your real friends, not your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts