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Does not having a social life make it harder to get one? (does it weird people out)


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Old 13th August 2011, 10:32 PM   #1
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Does not having a social life make it harder to get one? (does it weird people out)

I don't have many friends. My social life is pretty sad. I mean, I am pretty much alone every weekend.

I've been putting in more of an effort to befriend people. There are a couple of people I'll spend time with. It is usually on a weeknight, or on a sunday. Mostly just weeknights.

My problem is that lately, I have been getting questions from a lot of people who are always asking me what I'm doing on the weekend. It is mostly coworkers who ask me this. It stresses me out because usually I am doing nothing. I don't want to tell them nothing as I don't want to look like some loser with no social life. But I am getting tired of avoiding their questions or trying to make my life look more exciting than it is. For example, I might tell them I am going shopping, and I just let them assume that I'm doing it with friends (when really I might just be doing it alone).

It seems like most people I try to make friends with have their established group of friends or boyfriends they spend most of their time with. It seems like Friday nights and Saturdays are put aside for the most important people in their lives, and I am just on the sidelines of their life. I understand that and don't want to ask for too much out of my newer friends until we become close enough to start hanging out more. I'm glad they like me enough to make time for me when they're able to. But I've got to admit, that sometimes it's awfully lonely.

How am I supposed to get more of a social life when I don't have much of one right now? Will it turn people off if they see that I have no life? I feel like I have to keep my lack of social life a secret from people because I can't stand the idea of people feeling sorry for me. Or am I just making a big deal out of nothing?
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Old 14th August 2011, 5:29 AM   #2
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Spiral Out,

I too am not the best socially. Im in constant awe of how people just 'do it' as if its so natural. I guess it should be, but people go through experiences in life which shape and change their attitudes and perceptions toward everything, continuously.

I think too much. Can't help it, wont stop it. When I'm social, conversing with people, im overthinking that much that talk doesnt flow at all. One on one Im fine, but grouped it all seems to be bs talk n e way.

Work is a GREAT place to extend ur co-workers into friends on the outside. People who work together see each other everyday, their good days, their bad days. If anyone knows u, its the people u work with.

Try not to close off oppurtunities (unless u really want to be alone for a bit). When pple ask what ur doin, be honest and say nuthing..... they just might invite u out to something they are doing.

Remember that what u see, isnt always the true story.. These people with full on social lives, out all the time, hundreds of friends etc... I wonder how they are when they're alone. Probably ALOT worse off than when u are alone.

Im an only child, so I believe to be true, honest and content living life with ones self is a great asset. Ask urself: Is my life not worth living if it is not in the company of others....? Of course it is.
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Old 22nd August 2011, 11:03 AM   #3
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People at work and friends

It's easy(ier) to make friends with those at work because you already know them but by the same token it seems as though you are fearful of their judgement of you.

Why not subscribe to a meetup you're interested in and get to know people outside your work? Granted this would likely be less than close relationship at first but it should develop. Ideas which involve a lot of talking with other folks include hikes, bike rides, mutual interests etc. Meetups are pretty much a crutch developed to help out people just like yourself- there are a LOT of "us" and these meetups are a good, socially neutral way of facilitating us all getting out of our rut.
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Old 22nd August 2011, 11:10 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by SpiralOut View Post
I don't have many friends. My social life is pretty sad. I mean, I am pretty much alone every weekend.

I've been putting in more of an effort to befriend people. There are a couple of people I'll spend time with. It is usually on a weeknight, or on a sunday. Mostly just weeknights.

My problem is that lately, I have been getting questions from a lot of people who are always asking me what I'm doing on the weekend. It is mostly coworkers who ask me this. It stresses me out because usually I am doing nothing. I don't want to tell them nothing as I don't want to look like some loser with no social life. But I am getting tired of avoiding their questions or trying to make my life look more exciting than it is. For example, I might tell them I am going shopping, and I just let them assume that I'm doing it with friends (when really I might just be doing it alone).

It seems like most people I try to make friends with have their established group of friends or boyfriends they spend most of their time with. It seems like Friday nights and Saturdays are put aside for the most important people in their lives, and I am just on the sidelines of their life. I understand that and don't want to ask for too much out of my newer friends until we become close enough to start hanging out more. I'm glad they like me enough to make time for me when they're able to. But I've got to admit, that sometimes it's awfully lonely.

How am I supposed to get more of a social life when I don't have much of one right now? Will it turn people off if they see that I have no life? I feel like I have to keep my lack of social life a secret from people because I can't stand the idea of people feeling sorry for me. Or am I just making a big deal out of nothing?
Listen, when your coworkers ask what're you doing this weekend, you be honest and tell them nothing, why? For all you know, they may have some things going on and may want to invite you on a night out. Think about it.
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Old 7th September 2011, 11:42 PM   #5
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Thank you for the responses. Sorry I took a while to get back to them.

I agree that it's healthy for us to feel happy being alone. For the most part, I am happy with my alone time. In fact, I get really cranky if I don't get enough time to myself.

Lately I have been more honest with people in telling them I am doing nothing. There's one guy I hang out with sometimes now (there's a thread on that - I think he likes me I guess, I dunno). And I went to on a group night-out with all my coworkers. There are a couple of people that I can see myself becoming friends with. I don't see them much at actual work, so maybe next time we go out it'll be more fun now that we know each other a bit better.

I used to have more friends and go out more often. It seems like whenever I do manage to go do something social with people, I have a good enough time that it makes me realize what I'm missing out on. I could never be the sort of person who goes out every night or even every weekend. But I wish I had more of a social life because I am feeling rather lonely. There are days where I wish I had someone to call at the end of the day and talk about the little things that happen.

It is true that I fear being judged. It seems like in our society you need to be a social butterfly or people wonder what is wrong with you. My whole life people have given me crap about not talking enough, or they wonder why I don't want to go to parties. It's a bit embarassing to be thought of as antisocial.

I'm pretty proud of myself this week though. I invited someone out for drinks on friday and she said yes. I invited the guy from work out for coffee tomorrow and he said he can't that night but maybe some other time.

I definately want to join some sort of meet-up group or club. I'm having trouble finding ones that interest me and fit into my schedule. I may end up taking photography classes on weekends or something. Maybe I'll meet people that way.
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Old 8th September 2011, 1:05 AM   #6
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I may end up taking photography classes on weekends or something. Maybe I'll meet people that way.
That is a very good idea, you can kill two birds with one stone. Although, I don't know anyone who has tried to kill a bird with any amount of stones....

The upside to this approach is you meet people that have the same interests as you do, never a bad thing
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Old 11th September 2011, 3:56 PM   #7
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Completely relate to everything you just posted, Spiralout.
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Old 12th September 2011, 9:58 PM   #8
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I was in a similar situation to you, mainly brought on by the fact I'd spent all my time on my partner and my kids. Now that my kids are teenagers and I'm single again I have all this time available and found I had no good friends to hang out with. I'd neglected all those friendships over the years. They had moved on.

I found the best thing for me was to get out and do stuff that I liked where there were other people. I now play squash, play texas holdem poker in bars (free games) and head out every 2nd Sat night to my favourite bar. I have gained a whole heap of friends through poker, including one real good one who invites me to parties. Gained another friend in my favourite bar who was single like me with no social life. Ran into another old acquaintance in that same bar who is now one of my best friends (he is single too).

So my advice is find some social activities where you can mingle with people who like similar things to you. Friendships just naturally develop and soon you have a bunch of people you can hang out with and who will invite you places.
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Old 13th September 2011, 12:07 AM   #9
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All the responses before mine already offer very good suggestions. I agree that some people are naturals at being socially active, but it requires a lot more commitment from other people. It does get harder as we get older. Like you pointed out, a lot of people already have their established groups of friends and routines so it's harder to feel welcomed. The good news is there are a lot of people who feel the same way as you and (this is going to sound so cheesy) those are the new friends who are waiting for you.

Personally, I don't like to drink alcohol and I don't have a lot of money to spend on going out so sometimes I make up excuses to stay in. But there are moments when I wonder why my friends don't call and invite me out even though I'm always thinking of them when I am able to go out.
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Old 17th September 2011, 10:16 AM   #10
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I've had somewhat of the same problem myself. Years of working off hour shifts pretty much killed my social life. Most of my best friends are married and have kids so they don't go out.

Meetup- Well I've never actually gone to one, but in my city at least many of the meetups are typical interest group type things. So I rate that as kind of C- for meeting new people

Craigslist-You can find some really interesting people on there to say the least. Even if you look in the stricly platonic section you'll find a bunch of strange things. I'd like to make more friends with both men and women. Most women adds are something like " want to chat/text", most men adds are something along the lines of a discreet gay relationship. I think it's somewhat interesting and entertaining, but more or less useless for meeting new people. D

Facebook- Facebook is actually a fantastic place to make plans and meet people you might already know and become closer with them. If you look around on there you'll probably see a decent amount of "hey lets do something tonight" type posts. Send that person a message, what do you have to lose? At the very least it'll get you out of the house for the night to go have drinks, karaoke or whatever. Going to a few things might lead to more, and of course you always chance meeting new people that are friends of your friend (or acquaintance). I give FB a B+

Work- for me at least work wasn't exactly the best place to meet people. We did have our coworker bar night type thing occasionally, but they were pretty infrequent. Then again I worked in EMS and everyone's schedule was a mess at best. So while I had "work friends" it pretty much stayed at that. I'm sure working a more standard hours type job makes it easier to actually meet new friends. Can't rate this one, but for "normal" jobs I'd say it's probably a good bet.

Hobbies- I play a TON of poker. I used to play online and then a casino opened 15 minutes away in my city. I made the jump from online to live and I love it. I've actually had a few stints of playing full time/professionally. The biggest thing here is that you're going to meet people that you KNOW has a similar interest or hobby. I've made quite a few friends playing poker ( they're all other poker players). You constantly have something to talk about, and in my case a steady stream of comps from the casino. You can join a bowling, darts, pool league, shooting club.. Whatever you're interested in you can probably find a way to do it, and find other people that enjoy it too. Definitely an A way to meet new people.

Newspaper- While I don't actually get one, there's plenty of cultural events in any major population center. I'm sure this works very similar to the way that meeting people through hobbies would.
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Old 17th September 2011, 11:12 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by SpiralOut View Post
I don't have many friends. My social life is pretty sad. I mean, I am pretty much alone every weekend.

I've been putting in more of an effort to befriend people. There are a couple of people I'll spend time with. It is usually on a weeknight, or on a sunday. Mostly just weeknights.

My problem is that lately, I have been getting questions from a lot of people who are always asking me what I'm doing on the weekend. It is mostly coworkers who ask me this. It stresses me out because usually I am doing nothing. I don't want to tell them nothing as I don't want to look like some loser with no social life. But I am getting tired of avoiding their questions or trying to make my life look more exciting than it is. For example, I might tell them I am going shopping, and I just let them assume that I'm doing it with friends (when really I might just be doing it alone).

It seems like most people I try to make friends with have their established group of friends or boyfriends they spend most of their time with. It seems like Friday nights and Saturdays are put aside for the most important people in their lives, and I am just on the sidelines of their life. I understand that and don't want to ask for too much out of my newer friends until we become close enough to start hanging out more. I'm glad they like me enough to make time for me when they're able to. But I've got to admit, that sometimes it's awfully lonely.

How am I supposed to get more of a social life when I don't have much of one right now? Will it turn people off if they see that I have no life? I feel like I have to keep my lack of social life a secret from people because I can't stand the idea of people feeling sorry for me. Or am I just making a big deal out of nothing?
What really kicked my social life off was joining a organization that socializes and does community service and mingles with the men. I have something going on all the time. I do mean alll the time.

I did Meetup.com one time and I found it was pretty good. I dont do it anymore but its a start.

Good luck
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Old 17th September 2011, 9:23 PM   #12
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Old 17th September 2011, 9:25 PM   #13
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Old 26th September 2011, 7:38 PM   #14
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You sound just like me. Not to be mean or anything, but it's only hard if you don't get out and try. You could just try to find some people to hang out with that share a common bond with you, or hobby. Try taking a language class or doing something like volunteer work to meet people. Good luck
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Old 27th September 2011, 12:55 AM   #15
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I am currently working on the hobbies approach. It almost seems easier to hang out with someone if we have a common hobby so we can meet up to do that instead of meeting up to "just hang out."

I've been focusing on repairing a couple of older friendships that I think are worth putting the effort into. My workplace friendships seem to be slowly developing too.

I've had so much personal crap going on in my life that honestly I haven't had very much energy to give to other people. I find that as I work on myself, it becomes easier to give more of myself to others, which seems to be necessary in any sort of good friendship/relationship.

I'm researching different organizations and clubs (including possible volunteer jobs) in my area. I'll post an update when I've made more progress.
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