Toxic long term friend... sorry kinda long!

[zne01]

So I've known this girl since high school, and we lost contact through college but got back together after for about a year when I was single. Then I got with my boyfriend and she criticized me for moving too fast, even though I was in love. We had a big fight and she just kept wanting to affect me with her opinions about how I should go about relationships, and that she needed a break from me because I am cocky, or defensive, or selfish.. or whatever she thought of me at the time when all I was trying to do was defend myself. My relationship lasted for about 1.5 years and I barely spoke to my girl friend. I made new friends during my romantic relationship and often tried to reach out to the girl friend but only hung out a couple times.

 

In the beginning of this year, my bf broke up with me and I realized I put myself in a shell and cut out most of my old friends .. but at the time I just took it as being in a normal relationship with my guy and creating a future. I just didn't hang out with the old friends like my single days.

 

So I reached out to her again, and she supported me through the pain. I have to admit I was really needy these past few months, but I haven't just solely relied on her. It seemed obvious since my romantic relationship ended, I was 'crawling' back to my old friends and I did feel bad but at the same time I realized I can't do that in the future.. so I wanted to make amends and start fresh and prove to them I can be different. But honestly I don't fully feel I did anything totally terrible.. I mean its my life! and I never intentionally hurt them or back talked.

 

I found out her and another old friend criticized me behind my back for crawling back to them, even though I genuinely wanted to reconnect and they definitely aren't my only friends. I was hurt when she confessed this but she still tried to stick to her opinion that I couldn't be trusted. We kind of made up and I understood her point of view but she told me she would be over it.

 

Months went by, and we got closer, hung out more and I even got her in touch with some of my other new and old friends. It was fun, until recently I hung out with her a couple times esp during her recent birthday.. to add to it, her boyfriend's (whom I've known longer than her) roommate likes me and we've started to date (just two dates, but got pretty physical, and I really like him!) so of course my girl friend knew and wanted to know the dish.. so seeing as that I trusted her I told her just a bit.

 

Then this past week she starts ignoring me, hanging out with other friends she's criticized to me in the past, hanging out with the friend she back talked with, didn't follow up on any plans I was excited to do with her, then when I try to get a hold of her (which has been really tedious and frustrating, because I know she has lots of free time) I am only graced with a TEXT (constantly).. and I hate that.. a simple call answer is better in my opinion. And its always like I have to schedule when to actually talk to her (total bs because she is NOT professionally busy, lives at home, no job). So tonight she dropped the bomb on me through text.

 

I was pestering her today because I really needed to get it off my chest and she just would not respond, so I told her I've been feeling like we're distant and I dont know why (because I spoke to her a couple of days ago abt my dates.. but then I saw pics on fb over the weekend of an outing I was supposed to go but she was there with the guy who she ****-talked about me with.. again she never followed up with me to say she was going) And this was her text:

 

"Just got home but tired to talk. I'll say it through text and maybe we can discuss tomorrow night if I get back on time from my outing. Well I felt like the last few times I saw you were a bit off, I guess I know you're very confident and it has built up a lot in the past months but its starting to get snotty and kind of arrogant so I did start to get annoyed. But then I was happy about that ryan stuff but when you moved in fast I felt uncomfortable. It just reminded me of a repeater of your last relationship where you hangout with the guy so much right from the get go and everything moves into place so fast, even though you deny it and your feelings of how you like to go with the flow I know you're still a total sucker for love. Then it kind of freaked me out to know if you guys date you're gonna be there every weekend I'm there and won't get the privacy I like.

 

I know you're full of good intentions but recently they're projected the wrong way. But anyways let's sleep on this and talk tomorrow if possible."

 

So I totally went off with several msgs about how I can go where I please esp if I'm dating the guy who's living with her bf (who's also my friend! and she just stays there because she wants to escape home) And who the hell is she to tell me that me being myself is wrong. Seriously I'm not just saying it but I have plenty of ppl who enjoy my company and even she says it so recent events seemed to have make her jealous and possessive of everything as if I'm trying to ruin her life. Then after I pointed all the things I do out, and how I'm not doing anything she writes:

 

"And you wonder why I build everything up its because I can't fcking talk to you without you just taking in the criticism and not being so defensive. You ask me what's wrong and when I do tell you you blow up and yea sometimes its actually better to not tell you how I feel, its always the same outcome where I can't just say what's wrong and you just taking it in and saying fine, and backing it up is ok but if you rub aggressively in my face it just makes me not want to talk to you. You told me to be honest so I am. So I broke my morals for the first time EVER with *** (because she gave my friend a bj the first night they met and that's why they're dating, but the second things get hot and heavy with my dates after meeting him a few times its slutty)...."

 

And it carries on irrelevantly.

 

I really want to cut her out, even though I pictured this girl at my wedding, but she did this to me several times and I can't take it anymore.

 

I don't know what to do.

[coltsfan1]

If you don't trust her then your only choice is to cut her out. Believe me when I say you will only have a hand full of true friends in your whole life, and it is ok to pick who your friends are. So choose wisely, it is in your best interest to do so.

[zne01]

Thanks Coltsfan, I don't know why I keep holding on. I'm not sure if its because I've known her since hs (same with the other guy who she back talks about me with) but this is probably my 3rd attempt over the past few years to try and make it happen, but there is always something that comes up.

 

Am I to believe it has something to do with her and her mentality? Because I don't feel like I've wronged in any way and I'm not over exaggerating. I just find it not fair everytime that I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

 

I know there are more friends out there, and I have made and lost some .. but I do know who is still around, I just thought these people would have been part of that group.

 

Its not harsh to just cut it off without trying, is it? Because I really feel like I deserve an apology for keeping on being treated this way.

[Badenov]

I think you should both just face the fact you're not compatable.

 

Neither one of you is blameless here, but you're only responsible for yourself. Quit dwelling on what you think she did wrong & ask yourself honestly if she has a point about you. If she does, what are you doing to improve yourself? The best you can hope for is that she's doing the same.

[coltsfan1]

I think you should both just face the fact you're not compatable.

 

Neither one of you is blameless here, but you're only responsible for yourself. Quit dwelling on what you think she did wrong & ask yourself honestly if she has a point about you. If she does, what are you doing to improve yourself? The best you can hope for is that she's doing the same.

 

I couldn't agree more. I can tell you from experience that my EX had me pegged for things that I did, and she was the cause of some of it. Best to forgive and forget and move on.

[zne01]

some times you have to unload the things that are just taking up space in your life.

 

TOTALLY! I've made a decision to just carry on with life knowing we won't talk or hang out anymore, and I'm actually not that distraught by it.

 

There are just some things I will not take.

[zne01]

I think you should both just face the fact you're not compatable.

 

Neither one of you is blameless here, but you're only responsible for yourself. Quit dwelling on what you think she did wrong & ask yourself honestly if she has a point about you. If she does, what are you doing to improve yourself? The best you can hope for is that she's doing the same.

 

Right, I am feeling responsible for myself and I am choosing not to opt into this friendship again. There are other people in my life who are more worthy of my time and effort.

 

I can see where she's coming from, but I can also see she's been immature for letting this come between our friendship. I know you can't see the details but reading over her txt responses just make me feel even more confident about the decision to just forget her and move on.

[jthorne]

From what I've read, your friend is right. I mean look- you jumped right into bed with this current guy. You're following the same pattern as usual. Except now, this relationship is closer to home, so when it eventually blows up, everyone will be affected.

 

Your friend isn't saying this to be a bitch, and neither am I. Just take some time to chill out and then think about it again.