Abandoned Again..

[MusicMan1234]

Hey guys, don't really know where to start, but the crux of the matter is that people keep turning their backs on me and I don't know why... In particular, two of my closest friends seem to not want to hang out much anymore.

 

I'm a 22 year old male. From a very young age I had self-esteem issues, I was bullied continiously throughout my schooling and have always been more or less ignored by my family. In particular, three years where I was completely alone and in a fight weekly at school. I got quite good at it . Having no rolemodels to teach me how to associate with other people, I started mimicking what other people did and eventually got to the point where I could successfully bluff my way through most social interactions.

 

I moved down a year level and made some friends. At first things were OK but gradually they started treating me with more and more distain until they pretty much did a 360 and turned against me, but still treated me OK when other people wern't around and when they wern't around eachother. At this point I started developing depression and partaking in deviant activities such as smashing up cop cars ect. My parents sent me away to boarding school.

 

At the new school I was OK, still the brunt of some jokes but I actually enjoyed my last two years. I made some freinds then, in particualr two guys who have been my best friends for the past 4 years. But I am starting to see similar behaviour in these two, and when we hang out i'm starting to feel more and more of a third wheel.

 

I'm thinking that I may be stale and I need some new jokes or some new things to talk about or whatever. To be honest i'm quite lost, i'm calling them less and less because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or disappointed, and this is also expanding to other friends of mine. So i'm not seeing people much these days because I feel stale, like i'm the same old me which is boring, but I don't have any more facets to my personality.

 

Srry for the long post.

tl;dr: I just want to communicate like a normal human being and have people enjoy my company.

 

Thanks

[tink08]

this may not be of a ton of help, but a while ago I received some really good insight from a relationship counselor...in terms of any relationship, getting rid of the people around you may only do temporary good, but the fact of the matter is that the one thing that stays the same is yourself. Even if we get rid of the people who irritate us or upset us, we are still bringing ourselves and our issues to the next relationship...our own baggage, so look at yourself and see what problems or issues you may have internally first before writing others off. It has helped me so much to learn this! The first place or thing to reassess is yourself and improving that.

[MusicMan1234]

Thanks for the reply Tink, but I think you misunderstood my post. You see, it's my friends that are rejecting ME and i'm trying to identify why this is as this is not the first time something like this has happened. So yes, i'm trying to identify the problem with me and fix that.

 

Update:

Went out to see a friend play last night, he plays in a band. For arguments sake, lets call my two friends 'T' and 'F'. F was playing and I walked in to see T hanging out with a person I had a fallout out with a while back. Apparently this person has been trash-talking me behind my back ect. The only free seat was opposite them so I sat down and said hi, they didn't even say hi back. I asked T what he'd been up to, he replied 'same old'. Has never replied with a closed answer before. I remember at one point trying to shake the other guys hand and him just smirking at me. I really really really want to break his nose, wipe that smug off his face, but he's a wierd dude who a junkie and has been charged with assault before. The whole reason T and F even begun hanging out with him is because he has drugs. Well, he's systematically turned my friends against me (lets call him M).

 

F was the same old guy, he's still as nice as ever to me and eager to catch up, I just wonder how long that will last before he turns his back on me too. Please LS, I need help, I don't know what I did or what to do. I'm always being stabbed in the back and i'm sick of it. Lately i've been contemplating suicide and having revenge fantasies. Last night I had a dream about pulling a gun on M shooting him in the kneecaps, it felt so real..and felt good too.

[pie2]

Please contact a suicide hotline (if available) and start counseling to address the feelings you're having, and how to overcome some of these difficulties. There's just so much (experiences, family, biology etc) that has contributed to bringing you where you are today, that it's hard to really touch on everything in this forum. A counselor would probably be much better equipped to handle your questions.

 

Feeling like a pariah amongst those you care about is probably one of the worst feelings anyone can experience. But I also wonder if you're not playing a bit of the victim role as well. I agree with what I think Tink is saying in that, over all these past years, the common denominator in these contentious relationships is you.

 

Now, are you completely at fault for that? Probably not.

 

Do you have the power to make some postive changes in your life? YES!

 

Just the fact that you recognize there's a problem, and are seeking a remedy is a gigantic step in the right direction. I do hope you can find a great counselor, and start on a path towards the emotional freedom you're looking for.

 

One question...what is your spiritual faith like?

 

I absolutely wish you the best of luck. And just remember, no matter what anyone else tells you...change is possible!

[KathyM]

Hey guys, don't really know where to start, but the crux of the matter is that people keep turning their backs on me and I don't know why... In particular, two of my closest friends seem to not want to hang out much anymore.

 

I'm a 22 year old male. From a very young age I had self-esteem issues, I was bullied continiously throughout my schooling and have always been more or less ignored by my family. In particular, three years where I was completely alone and in a fight weekly at school. I got quite good at it . Having no rolemodels to teach me how to associate with other people, I started mimicking what other people did and eventually got to the point where I could successfully bluff my way through most social interactions.

 

I moved down a year level and made some friends. At first things were OK but gradually they started treating me with more and more distain until they pretty much did a 360 and turned against me, but still treated me OK when other people wern't around and when they wern't around eachother. At this point I started developing depression and partaking in deviant activities such as smashing up cop cars ect. My parents sent me away to boarding school.

 

At the new school I was OK, still the brunt of some jokes but I actually enjoyed my last two years. I made some freinds then, in particualr two guys who have been my best friends for the past 4 years. But I am starting to see similar behaviour in these two, and when we hang out i'm starting to feel more and more of a third wheel.

 

I'm thinking that I may be stale and I need some new jokes or some new things to talk about or whatever. To be honest i'm quite lost, i'm calling them less and less because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or disappointed, and this is also expanding to other friends of mine. So i'm not seeing people much these days because I feel stale, like i'm the same old me which is boring, but I don't have any more facets to my personality.

 

Srry for the long post.

tl;dr: I just want to communicate like a normal human being and have people enjoy my company.

 

Thanks

I have to ask, are you fun to be around? People tend to gravitate towards others who are enjoyable to be around--either they are funny (good sense of humor), or they are interesting (well read and knowledgeable and can hold a good conversation), or they are helpful, kind and caring, or some combination of the above. If you are being a drag--winer, complainer, martyr complex, poor me complex, angry, hostile or a jerk to be around, people are going to tend to stay away from you, cause they don't like the negative vibes you are giving off. Also, if you are boring the heck out of people, they're not going to enjoy your company and not want to be around you. Those are all things you can work on, though. You can develop your interests in things and become involved in more things, read more about a variety of topics, and you will become a more interesting person to people. Just develop those positives, and make sure you aren't engaging in the negative behaviors as I listed above, and people will want to be around you. You will also meet more people to hang out with if you get involved in more activities. Become a more interesting person--you have the power to do that. And become a positive person--not negative. And don't project self esteem issues. People like those with confidence, and not so much those who are down on themselves.

[Almond_Joy]

Hey MusicMan,

 

As someone who has felt betrayed by friends abandoning me in the past, I would venture to suggest that you may be making yourself feel worse about the problem by obsessing over it.

 

I will not deny that this is a very emotionally intense experience, and it's hard not to feel dejected, unwanted and alone when people do this to you. But it sounds to me like you're just putting way too much of yourself into these friendships. As a result, when your friends start withdrawing from you for whatever reason, you start feeling.......well, as you said suicidal. That's the train of thought I'm getting from what you're saying - please pardon if I've misunderstood.

 

You've said you are trying to figure out what it is about you that keeps making this situation happen. That's the best path to explore to resolve this recurring problem you see with friends, I think. Some questions you may want to ask yourself that may help:

 

Are you happy with the way you see life, and your place in it?

 

Do you feel that your emotional attachments to people, as they are now, are healthy? (Not normal - normal's what you're used to. I mean healthy - as in what's best for your long-term well being.)

 

How do you handle being alone? If you are not comfortable being alone for long periods of time, are there any particular thoughts or feelings that bring on that discomfort?

 

When I started to realize that friends kept drifting away from me, these are some of the things I asked myself. It may help to discuss the answers you have for these questions with a counselor or therapist, because the answers are sources of the problem. The therapist can then help you find solutions.

 

I'd also suggest talking to your friend T or both T and F, if they mean that much to you. I don't know if this is different for guys, but honesty's always gotten me effective results. Tell T you consider him one of your closest friends, and you've noticed that lately he's been distancing himself from you. Ask him if he's noticed this and why he's doing it if he says yes. If you trust them enough to be vulnerable and ask them this, and they are as good of friends in character as well as they are in emotional significance to you, then they will earnestly tell you what they see as problems. It would be a good starting point for your "me work."

 

I have to say that since I've asked myself questions like the ones above, and really dug deep and started tackling my internal issues, I am not so concerned about how close I am to other people or how many friends I have. Ironically, I notice also that people seem much more comfortable talking to me, inviting me out, checking in with me to say hi or catch up - you know, doing friendly things with me....like friends do! lol It's a very pleasant and unplanned turn of events.

 

Hope you find this helpful. On a parting note, I urge you to consider the following:

a) Violence to others is rarely, if ever, the right answer to a problem, and

B) Your life is precious, no matter how good, bad, or ugly it has been or will be. It's always something to treasure.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Almond_Joy

[MusicMan1234]

@ pie2

At the moment I cannot afford a counseler, but I will see one as soon as I can. I may be playing the victim role, but it's hard to say. All I know is I never did anything intentionally wrong. Regarding my spirituality, I tried most mainstream religions and found that they wern't for me. I have a friend who is a Taoist and is trying to get me involved. It doesn't look like a bad faith and I think i'll give it a go.

 

@ KathyM

I can hold a conversation with a variety of people and I wouldn't say that i'm a boring person. But I am quite negative and would like to change my outlook. How would you suggest I become a more positive thinking person? Also, if I was to pursue a hobby or interest, how would I go about this? Where would I start?

 

@ Almond Joy

I think it may be one of two things. Either I become dependent on the connections I form, or I subconsciously sever the connections out of fear of being rejected again.

 

Are you happy with the way you see life, and your place in it?

I think my life is much better than the way I see it. I am quite a negative person and have trouble thinking of the positives, although an outsider would easily be able to point out the positive aspects of my life. I am not happy with my place in it, I am not the person I think I should be or want to be.

 

Do you feel that your emotional attachments to people, as they are now, are healthy?

Probably not. I would like to be a more self-reliant individual who people look to as a rolemodel or for guidance. As I am now, i'm just a bottom feeder.

 

How do you handle being alone? If you are not comfortable being alone for long periods of time, are there any particular thoughts or feelings that bring on that discomfort?

I've been alone most of my life, so i'm pretty used to it. Sometimes I do get lonley though and the most prominent thought that springs to mind it 'I'm feel left out'.

 

My housemate pointed out that he thought T was cowardly and a weak minded individual. I'm am not so concerned about patching things up with T because I have too much pride to go crawling back after the way he's treated me. I do value my friendship with F though, and the problem is T and F are almost inseperable. Yes, I know life is precious. I don't feel like mine is that precious at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just start treating people the way they've treated me, but i'm not a bad person so maybe it would be better to eradicate myself. Even now i'm talking about suicide about some stupid thing like a friendship ending. I'm sorry for being such a loser.

[Almond_Joy]

@ pie2

At the moment I cannot afford a counseler, but I will see one as soon as I can. I may be playing the victim role, but it's hard to say. All I know is I never did anything intentionally wrong. Regarding my spirituality, I tried most mainstream religions and found that they wern't for me. I have a friend who is a Taoist and is trying to get me involved. It doesn't look like a bad faith and I think i'll give it a go.

 

@ KathyM

I can hold a conversation with a variety of people and I wouldn't say that i'm a boring person. But I am quite negative and would like to change my outlook. How would you suggest I become a more positive thinking person? Also, if I was to pursue a hobby or interest, how would I go about this? Where would I start?

 

@ Almond Joy

I think it may be one of two things. Either I become dependent on the connections I form, or I subconsciously sever the connections out of fear of being rejected again.

 

Are you happy with the way you see life, and your place in it?

I think my life is much better than the way I see it. I am quite a negative person and have trouble thinking of the positives, although an outsider would easily be able to point out the positive aspects of my life. I am not happy with my place in it, I am not the person I think I should be or want to be.

 

Do you feel that your emotional attachments to people, as they are now, are healthy?

Probably not. I would like to be a more self-reliant individual who people look to as a rolemodel or for guidance. As I am now, i'm just a bottom feeder.

 

How do you handle being alone? If you are not comfortable being alone for long periods of time, are there any particular thoughts or feelings that bring on that discomfort?

I've been alone most of my life, so i'm pretty used to it. Sometimes I do get lonley though and the most prominent thought that springs to mind it 'I'm feel left out'.

 

My housemate pointed out that he thought T was cowardly and a weak minded individual. I'm am not so concerned about patching things up with T because I have too much pride to go crawling back after the way he's treated me. I do value my friendship with F though, and the problem is T and F are almost inseperable. Yes, I know life is precious. I don't feel like mine is that precious at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just start treating people the way they've treated me, but i'm not a bad person so maybe it would be better to eradicate myself. Even now i'm talking about suicide about some stupid thing like a friendship ending. I'm sorry for being such a loser.

 

 

Well, to me it really sounds like a lot of the problems stem from how you view yourself, not necessarily how you are. You put yourself down a lot, and pretty harshly.

 

Making self-affirmations may be a helpful tool for you to try. I've gotten info on writing affirmations from personal development books that I've bought, but if you do an online search for "making affirmations", I'm sure you'll find plenty of stuff online. I think the most important part of using affirmations is sticking with them, though - they're not a use once and throw away kind of thing. It takes a little time for them to work, and the results won't be effective if you don't use them consistently.

 

Hope this helps, and that you've been able to work things out with F. Best of luck!