LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Friendship

Ongoing issue with friendship


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 14th July 2011, 9:42 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Shutter Island
Posts: 1,767
Ongoing issue with friendship

Hi all, I have been having this issue for several years now, ever since I started university. When I started uni, I had a girlfriend. Whenever I didn't hang out with her, I was with my group of friends from high school. Some of them moved on to the same uni as myself. However, all my friends and I did was play sports, and it would at most be once a week, and also attend the rare birthday party. This has been going on for 3 to 4 years now and I'm a bit sick of it. We don't do much. My inactive social life is partly why my relationship did break down.

A couple of people in my high-school friends group, I do not take a liking to. They feel a need to put others down to make themselves feel better and I don't like that. This prevents me from getting closer with them. I think I've just outgrown them.

So, the past two years I have been trying new things and joining clubs to meet new people and to make new friends. Although, I have made new friends, I haven't had any who I can hang out with regularly. We only talk at uni and that's it. This is the case with my uni friends.

I look around me and I envy those who have this established group of friends, who seem to tight-knit and who have lots of fun. I want that. Even though I am a really independent person, recently I realised I have been wanting to just hang out with my friends, to go eat out, go to clubs, go watch a movie, etc. I usually bring up ideas and there's usually reluctant.

I consider myself a deep person. A lot of people like to live life just on the surface. I wish I could do that but I can't. I'll admit that I am a bit too serious sometimes but surely I can meet people like myself, people that I can have a connection with. I don't have to reduce myself to anything just to fit in with a group.

At the moment, I will say that there's a lot more going on than there was a couple of years ago and my life is slowly improving. However, this is a recurring issue I would like to address.

I'll be happy to hear any advice
counterman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2011, 8:23 PM   #2
New Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 3
Remember that if you marry, you're still you. And you have to make youre girlfriend understand that in a nice way. That you still have to have a life. Your friends doesn't change how committed you are to her. Also, you have to balance your time.
iya12 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th July 2011, 8:39 PM   #3
Cee
Established Member
 
Cee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 2,180
Building a social life is a lifelong effort and progress is so slow. Keep at it and it will get better. One thing I recommend is that you try not to set yourself apart as "deeper" than others. The truth is a lot of friendship seems very superficial, but the bond of trust and mutual respect is deep. Believe it or not, most people feel different from everybody else and feel isolated, even the most social and popular.

Friendship is so challenging and it will push buttons in you. When you feel negative in the presence of people, try to probe that feeling. Is it compatibility or is it fear? Also, you can be friends with people who gossip and are negative at times. Simply detach and withdraw from the things you don't like. And if you are detaching all the time, then yes, find new friends.

I'm probably twice your age and one thing I have learned over the years. You do not know now who your real friends are. You won't know that till many years down the road. Be the good guy who you are and you will discover who your friends are. They are the people who are there for you when you face the biggest of life's challenges - divorce, sick children, and serious illness. Friends are so amazing and they will one day save you and comfort you in your darkest hour.
Cee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th July 2011, 1:36 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Shutter Island
Posts: 1,767
Quote:
Originally Posted by iya12 View Post
Remember that if you marry, you're still you. And you have to make youre girlfriend understand that in a nice way. That you still have to have a life. Your friends doesn't change how committed you are to her. Also, you have to balance your time.
Thanks for that. I don't actually have a girlfriend at the moment but you're right, I do have to balance my time and have my own life outside of any relationship with a girlfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cee
Building a social life is a lifelong effort and progress is so slow. Keep at it and it will get better. One thing I recommend is that you try not to set yourself apart as "deeper" than others. The truth is a lot of friendship seems very superficial, but the bond of trust and mutual respect is deep. Believe it or not, most people feel different from everybody else and feel isolated, even the most social and popular.

Friendship is so challenging and it will push buttons in you. When you feel negative in the presence of people, try to probe that feeling. Is it compatibility or is it fear? Also, you can be friends with people who gossip and are negative at times. Simply detach and withdraw from the things you don't like. And if you are detaching all the time, then yes, find new friends.

I'm probably twice your age and one thing I have learned over the years. You do not know now who your real friends are. You won't know that till many years down the road. Be the good guy who you are and you will discover who your friends are. They are the people who are there for you when you face the biggest of life's challenges - divorce, sick children, and serious illness. Friends are so amazing and they will one day save you and comfort you in your darkest hour.
That's the way it seems to be going, really slowly. I will keep plowing through though. I'll try not to set myself apart as being deeper compared to others. The reason I have considered this is because of my experience with my friends. Most of our talk consists of bitching about people, putting each other down and other shallow things. I don't feel comfortable with that, especially if it is at my expense, which is has been many times. It's just not funny, especially if someone gets hurt.

With regards to bond of trust and mutual respect, I feel that I got closer to someone in my social circle in the past, they've let me down. I have told friends my deep secrets before only to have them spill them out and embarrass me until no end. I have share thoughts on certain things and have been ridiculed. I had friends who would flake on my after making arrangements to hang out. Overall, most of my friends who've I have tried to be close with have treated me with disrespect in one way or another.

Back in high school, I didn't know better and I thought that if a friend keeps making jokes about you in front of people, it was just fun play. Only the past couple of years have I realised that this is not a nice way to treat people and I do deserve better. It's not a funny "joke" when my self-esteem lowers and I feel uncomfortable. Funny enough, now that I actually don't put up with this nonsense, they distant themselves from me. I am fine with that because whoever feels the need to put others down to make themselves feel better will not be a friend of mine.

I do agree with you that although relationships seem superficial, there's is more to it - a deeper bond. I find myself detaching from a lot of things and have been focusing on just enjoying activities, like sports, with friends rather than solely the interaction between us. I found that the more I improve myself, the nastier some of my friends get as though they want to keep me in my place. For example, with regards to dating, I do approach and ask girls out. A few of my friends have criticised this and slammed my views on dating. Thing is, they have no experience with it whatsoever. I want friends who are supportive, not discouraging, who will respect my views and my experience.

Looking back, I have learnt that my best friend was actually my biggest bully. The ways he would put me down and for a while I thought this is what friendship is. But when I saw a glimpse of what it should be, I distanced myself from him as well as many others. No one will be made to feel extremely uncomfortable around their friends to the point where you're reconsidering the friendship.

At the moment, thinking about it, I do not know who my real friends are. I am even confused as to who I would call my friends. I have lost a few of the years after they showed their true feelings. I'll keep being myself and keep on improving. I have been a little jaded lately but I will just enjoy some time off from everything and relax a little. I hope I do discover who my real friends are and I hope they will be there for me when I most need it.

I guess my dating life can still continue while all this is going on, right?
counterman is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Friendship Issue--Am I Wrong? mustangsally Friendship 4 13th April 2011 5:45 PM
ongoing eugene3 Coping 0 8th March 2011 7:17 AM
My ongoing dilemma XKatieX Breaks and Breaking Up 2 6th June 2010 5:05 PM
That damn friendship issue... Nikki Sahagin Coping 4 13th June 2009 6:03 PM
My ongoing saga Ace Archive 14 8th January 2001 8:36 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:24 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.