bambiraptor9 Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Recently I have been having some issues with a friend. We have been friends for at least 3 years and for the past six months things have changed between us. I want to know if I am overreacting to her behavior or not, so I am looking for an outside opinion to settle my suspicions. My friend and I used to hang out all the time together and just chat about things in a genial way. Since she has a car and I don't it was a nice treat for me to get a ride here and there. I paid her gas money or bought us lunch so we were even. I hardly had to ask for her to come over--she just did. I started dating my current boyfriend a year ago and we are madly in love. My friend has had the same bf for ten years, and sadly their relationship has become strained over the past year. In addition my friend was very busy with her teaching credential program. So I gave her plenty of space--we still talked and hung out, but not as often. That's when the incidences of her unusual behavior began. The first incident: She invited me to one of her friend's bday parties at an arcade a while back and my bf tagged along so I could introduce him. My friend was an hour late in coming over to my house (she lives ten minutes away). She brought her bf and I introduced him to them. My friend proceeded to make fun of me and my bf and her bf began grilling us, asking what it was like "dating people in college." Wow. My bf was hurt and I was a little peeved at her behavior, but since she was driving I held back. At the arcade, my friend totally ignored us and went right to her friend, without so much as an introduction or a greeting. I introduced my bf to her friend but my friend was so intent on the attention of her friend that she practically shoved me and my bf out of the way to see her. The whole night my bf was very upset. The second incident: This past semester has been a very stressful one for me. I had two paying jobs and was working on my thesis while my friend had just finished her credential program. Throughout the time she finished her credential until the end of the semester she complained bitterly to me about how difficult her life and job was etc etc. She has been having issues with her bf and her family but all the same she has been self involved and has only contacted me to complain. The final incident: Last month was my birthday celebration and this seemed to be the icing on the cake as far as her self absorbed behavior was concerned. We hung out in the evening and had dinner at a nice restaurant with two other friends of hers. I informed her several times that I needed to get home early so I could be up in time for my bf and his surprise planned for me, but she ignored my request, demanded I go to her house to play a board game I received as a gift (which was not fun at all since everyone was tired), and we wound up staying up until 3 am. She did not seem to even care it was my birthday--it was as if I was just visiting her like always and my voice went unheard. In addition to this, she is obsessed with competing with everyone. She has to have the best gadgets, the best costumes (she cosplays and I don't), be the best at games, etc. Her friends constantly shower her with compliments ("you're so smart," "you're great," etc) and her ego is the size of a blimp. She brags about how awesome she is, whether she is at the bar, in an arcade, or with her bf. I fear I am friends with a narcissist. If so, this is not the first time. Before I jump to that conclusion, I want to know what you think. I have been ignoring her for fear of confronting her behavior. She did not apologize for any of the incidents I mentioned, not even for her behavior on my birthday. I am also worried that either she will complain or brag about recent events. I feel bad for ignoring her, but how should I resolve this issue? Any advice is sincerely appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Badenov Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 We can't make other people treat us the way we want them to, we can only decide whether or not to put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) You are friends with a narcissist. And she will never change, even if you confront her about how her behavior has hurt your feelings. I speak from experience as I have a friend exactly like yours. She just finished her education masters program (we're in the same program) and for the past year I avoided her like the plague until I ran into her in an elevator on campus which was super awkward, since from that moment to now we have never discussed any of the conflicts between our friendship. I almost didn't go when she invited me to her graduation party. But I went and brought her a nice gift, staying 30 minutes before I to leave. A group of her friends showed up right as I was leaving and my friend didn't even bother to say goodbye to me or send me an email to thank me for coming and for the gift I left her. Finally after 2 months of no contact, I got her on the phone last night. At one point I talked about my financial concerns about student teaching without a spouse to support me, as I am afraid I will have to take out more private loans since no part time job could possibly pay my rent or bills when I'm student teaching for 8 hours a day for three months. Anyway, she interrupted me to say that her husband told her she was lucky to be married to him while she was student teaching because she has a roof over her head with no money fears. The next thing I know, she blames me for her husband's comments and hangs up on me, after I tell her that I agreed with her husband's perception that my friend doesn't know how well she's got it as a married graduate student. She actually told me that if she were single, she would find a way to make financial ends meet during her student teaching. I rolled my eyes and was about to call her out on her egotism but she hung up on me. She's 43 years old going on 14 to act that way. No empathy for me, a single woman working two jobs to support myself with horrendously expensive student loans already. So it's been a day now and no word from her: ye old silent treatment again. So I've decided that I'm through with my friendship with her because I can't stand the silent treatment. Am I going to waste my time confronting her about how her narcissism is intolerable to deal with as her friend? Nope because telling a self-absorbed person that their behavior hurts your feelings is like talking to a brick wall. Just ignore your friend and focus on the healthy friendships you already have. She's a waste of your time. You deserve better treatment and you know it. Any friend who makes you doubt yourself does not have your best interest in mind. That's my philosophy anyway where friendships are concerned. Just let that friendship silently fade away without any confrontation. She knows she hurt your feelings but she doesn't care enough about you to acknowledge it. Your confronting her will only escalate the guilt she already feels, which she will blame you for (rightly so since she's causing you pain but refuses to take responsibility for it) instead of apologizing and being empathetic about it, which a good friend does. Edited June 29, 2011 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
Author bambiraptor9 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Thanks so much Badenov and writergal for your insight. Thanks especially to writergal--glad I am not alone in having narcissistic "friends"! I have been wanting to break off my friendship with this person for some time and your words really helped me out. These words helped me the most: Any friend who makes you doubt yourself does not have your best interest in mind. I totally agree. Any other advice is welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 no problem, bambiraptor9. Just remember that your friend's behavior is for effect...she wants to get you to react so she can manipulate you and intimidate you. My 43 year old friend has treated me that way for our entire friendship and she'll never change. The narcissist friend is like a predator. They will put on an act to lure you in, then will emotionally and verbally abuse you to the point where your self-esteem starts to crumble and you start doubting your own beliefs and values, all because the self-absorbed friend wants you to focus all your attention on her life, not yours. The minute you need her support for anything, she ignores you. But god forbid she needs someone to help her prepare for a dinner party or help her shop for her daughter's 21st birthday and you're the first person she calls. Narcissists don't have friends. They have audiences. And servants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bambiraptor9 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Completely agree with everything you have said. Thank you so much! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 We can't make other people treat us the way we want them to, we can only decide whether or not to put up with it. Words to live by- great post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bambiraptor9 Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Thanks again to everyone who replied. I defriended this person on fb and she has vanished from my radar. I am so glad I am not her audience member anymore. I think this is a good post for others to read in case they too fall into the trap of the narcissist. The people on this site offer the best advice--I cannot thank you enough! Link to post Share on other sites
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writergal Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Ever notice when you end a very toxic friendship how much lighter you feel afterwards? Ahhh. I ended the friendship with my narcissist friend tonight finally and it feels great. I think when you have two friends' whose lives have gone in different directions, or who are in different places in their lives, you can't relate to each other anymore and the reason for being friends no longer exists. Link to post Share on other sites
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