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Friends girlfriend is having an affair

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Old 13th November 2003, 8:16 PM   #1
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Friends girlfriend is having an affair

I have a friend through work who i havent known for very long, hes absolutely delightful, kind, funny, sweet, with a touching serenity. hes told me he intends to marry his girlfriend, he adores her, but i have been told by someone else i work with that shes having an affair with someone she works with. she works in the same industry at a related company.

i dont know if this is true, but the source is pretty reliable, and she told him herself. knowing he works with my friend. i really, really dont feel i can tell him, i dont know for sure its true, there may be career implications although thats less of a concern and i dont feel its my place to interfere as i dont know him that well, although hes been a huge support to me in my recent break up - but its playing on my mind a lot.

I dont know her at all, although she came in the office last week, and he was proudly showing her off while she ran round saying hello to everyone, shes clearly a vital person with lots of warmth and she seemed lovely. I will see her tomorrow night after work on our night out, i dont think i can be geniune with her. I am worried about whether I am doing the right thing keeping schtum & that I may compromise my friendship with him if he feels i have a problem with her, and she will notice it too.

whatcha reckon?
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Old 13th November 2003, 8:38 PM   #2
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So much intrigue at your office!

Unless you really want to participate in someone else's melodrama, I would stay out of it.

If, as you seem to suggest, this girlfriend is being indiscreet about her affair -- almost wanting him to find out about it -- then rest assured that he will. But don't let it be through you. Here's why:

1. He will be humiliated that you know about it.
2. He might genuinely be shocked, disbelieving, and will turn on you.
3. You will get a reputation as a tattle-tale.
4. It's none of your business.

People who have been cheated on sometimes say that they would have preferred to be told, rather than people keeping it to themselves out of fear of rocking the boat. That might be the case with hindsight, and it might be appropriate advice for a close friend. But you're not a close friend, you're an officemate who's known him for a rather short period of time. I really think you'd be doing more harm than good.
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Old 13th November 2003, 8:49 PM   #3
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i agree - theres so many reasons i shouldnt tell that its blatantly obvious i shouldnt, but i have told friends this awful news in the past and its not within my nature to stand by and see someone be put in this position. i am fuming with this girl. hopping jippity mad. and i wondered what she was playing at telling people in the same office - it will be more humiliating the more people that find out about it. grrr.

my office is a hotbed of goings on. oh the stories i could tell.
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Old 15th November 2003, 1:58 PM   #4
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I would say you should only tell your friend if you are very sure it is true.. Even if you are only office mates, if you KNOW, then you should tell. But if your not sure, it gets a little more sticky.

When my 1st husband was sleeping with my former best friend, I didn't know at first. It turned out EVERYONE else knew and no one bothered to tell me. That got to me. It seemed that they were willing to keep his secret for him but not willing to warn me about what was going on.

Is there some way you can leave a private note for him on his desk without anyone seeing you? Or perhaps set a hotmail or yahoo account to tell him. That way he doesn’t know who knew but he can take measures to double check this story and protect himself. I usually would say that you should tell because this is not only a part of being a good friend but he must be able to protect his health. What is she brings home a disease to him from her outside activities? Just something to think about.
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