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Is she toxic or is it just me?


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I have a friend that I am backing away from and we now see each other infrequently but I saw her last night and her presence has a toxic impact on me.

 

She doesn't make me feel good about myself and I feel hurt and down after seeing her.

 

I find it difficult to maintain friendships and am always second guessing myself.

 

I find her a bully and she puts me down.

 

She has nice qualities as well she is generous and kind.

 

I find her intimidating though and she tells me what to do.

 

I don't want to have no friends at all but do you think I'm better off just not seeing her? Or should I keep our friendship on a very casual basis as we go to the movies and other stuff which I enjoy.

 

I was with her last night and though it started off ok she started telling me stuff about myself that I didn't ask for and didn't want to hear and that I disagree with. I'm looking for work and have no money. It's very difficult for me but she was telling me that because I'm taking dance classes that I'm happy with my life and don't want to get a job:eek:

 

I dont' see how having a hobby means you dont' want to get a job...not quite following that logic...

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SpiralOut

If you feel that she is toxic then she probably is. Spending time with someone like that will just make it even harder for you to meet more friends because she will crush your self-esteem. Walk away now.

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Dump her. I have a very low tolerance for toxic people. I've had to let a few of my "friends" go because of it. It might be harsh but I'm one of the most content people I know when it comes to relationships with friends. I don't put out crap for people to deal with and I don't deal with other people's crap.

 

Some people use others to make themselves feel good...and it's at the others expense. Though it's hard to understand why some people would do this, it's a very common thing. Syphon off contact with her and if she asks what's up you need to be straight to her. Hopefully you will gain confidence from it and when you're older you can nip someone's crappy behavior right in the moment and say "hey, cut that out - I'm not ok with how you're treating me right now." If they make an effort to change, continue to be their friend. If not, SEE YA. and don't look back.

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I find her a bully and she puts me down.

 

She has nice qualities as well she is generous and kind.

 

I find her intimidating though and she tells me what to do.

 

What sort of footing did the friendship start off on?

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What sort of footing did the friendship start off on?

 

She was very generous and helped me out when I was in financial straits. She paid my phone bill. She was very kind to me.

 

Now she is okay but intimidates me when I don't do what she says. She contradicts me a lot which is annoying, especially when it's a personal opinion on my own life.

 

She tells me what to do and doesn't like it if I refuse...

 

I suppose I find her occasionally bossy and dominating.

 

There was one evening when she got really annoyed with me and it was a horrible experience. We weren't agreeing on anything as I find her judgemental and narrow minded on many issues but instead of agreeing to disagree she was leaning forward in her chair and shouting me down.

 

I went off her after that as I don't believe you should talk to people in that way. Since then I've noticed it more and more. I also don't like her making personal comments about me. She wants to know my exact age and keeps insisting I tell her when I say it's personal. She remarks if I don't wear make up etc

 

I suppose it's also a boundary issue...

 

I also have the feeling though I'm not certain that she's gossiping about me behind my back.

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She was very generous and helped me out when I was in financial straits. She paid my phone bill. She was very kind to me.

 

No surprises there. I wonder if other friendships she's had have started out in a similar way.

 

I also have the feeling though I'm not certain that she's gossiping about me behind my back.

 

Sort of a cosy Mother Hen with a sharp knife hidden under her wing? I got the impression from a couple of things you said that she's older. Has she got you pegged as a daughter figure?

 

If you haven't repaid her for the financial help she gave you, maybe that would send out a clear message that the two of you are equals. Generally as the others say, if somebody is bringing headaches and misery into your life more often than not, it makes sense to distance yourself.

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No surprises there. I wonder if other friendships she's had have started out in a similar way.

 

 

 

Sort of a cosy Mother Hen with a sharp knife hidden under her wing? I got the impression from a couple of things you said that she's older. Has she got you pegged as a daughter figure?

 

If you haven't repaid her for the financial help she gave you, maybe that would send out a clear message that the two of you are equals. Generally as the others say, if somebody is bringing headaches and misery into your life more often than not, it makes sense to distance yourself.

 

Yes I think it might be a bit of a mother thing. She's only a couple of years older than me but because she's got children etc seems to think she has the right to boss me about.

 

I have paid some of what she has lent me back with the promise that I will give her the rest when I'm working as I'm currently unemployed.

 

I try to pay my way when I can and not take anything from her.

 

I have only been in this area a year and don't really know anyone. I need some friends. I was hoping to sort it out but wonder if it's worth salvaging. I need to be more assertive :(

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Just because someone is kind to you sometimes, professes that they like you and is happy to go places with you doesn't make them nice. What people say and what they do can be totally different things. Pay attention to actions not words; it's a great filter. It sounds like your friend is one of those who claims to be a friend and yet behaves in a manner that is hurtful. I also know someone who offers unsolicited comments on my looks and behaviour. Not only do I ignore them but I take note of what that says about his character and it's not positive. Some people seem to feel a need to do this to people. Critical people like that are best avoided.

 

Listen to your feelings. If you feel down and hurt when you've been with your 'friend', that tells you everything you need to know. Are you looking for permission NOT to spend time with her? You've got it! You can give yourself permission to do anything with your own life and person. Life is too short to waste on people who are harmful.

 

I have a feeling that once you start listening to your own feelings, dropping the people who are abusive and responding positively to people who DO make you feel good, you'll find the new friends you need. Once you start respecting your own feelings, people will be attracted to the new, self-directed you. It's amazing how much better you'll feel too. Good luck!

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Yes I think it might be a bit of a mother thing. She's only a couple of years older than me but because she's got children etc seems to think she has the right to boss me about.

 

I have paid some of what she has lent me back with the promise that I will give her the rest when I'm working as I'm currently unemployed.

 

I try to pay my way when I can and not take anything from her.

 

I have only been in this area a year and don't really know anyone. I need some friends. I was hoping to sort it out but wonder if it's worth salvaging. I need to be more assertive :(

 

You mentioned going to dance classes. How sociable do you find the people there? Are there potential friends amongst the other students? The general impression I'm getting from your posts is that you're quite isolated just now. If this friend is your only source of support in the city, then straight away that creates a pretty serious power imbalance in the friendship. It's not surprising you're a bit low on confidence just now.

 

Sometimes you need distance from certain people for a while, but burning your bridges with any friend isn't something to be undertaken lightly. I don't think, anyway. You can create distance if a particular friendship isn't good for you at a given time, without cutting ties completely. It might be that once you start to create a bigger support network in the new city, get settled into a job etc, your friendship with this woman will become a healthier thing...but really, you have to trust your instincts on this. Nobody can dictate to you whether you should or shouldn't continue with a particular friendship.

 

If you're unemployed, then perhaps there are some resources in the area for people in your area. Groups that could help you meet other people, support you in applying for jobs etc. Is this something you've looked into?

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