Keeping my own feelings. (Friends)

[BlueHarvest]

I know the title may be a little misleading. But this insight/rant/question I have is related to how to cope with friends in terms of behavior conditioning set by them/you.

 

Recently I've had a good friend of whom I've known for going on 4 years now stop interacting as much. She still hangs out with me, confides personal feelings to me and such...but she seems aloof.

 

Now I'll admit that currently she is busy with a lot of stuff in her life. She works full time, has 12 credit hours on her plate at college, and is dealing with stage 2 Hodgkin disease. But despite all that she has always been a very strong person, (mentally and emotionally). I figured even with all that on her plate her demeanor would not change...I guess I was wrong.

 

The straw that really kind of set me off was broken this weekend.

 

My birthday was the 21st last week, and all I recieved from her was a happy b-day on my facebook wall. Now I'm not talking about recieving as in gifts. We had plans to go see a soccer game this saturday, and having her there as company would have been enough. Well it ended up raining on saturday and even though the game wasn't cancelled, her health does not allow for her to sit in the rain, even if it is sprinkling. I texted her alternatives, like going out to eat, or watching a movie and she never responded.

 

Let me interject my story with why I'm so distraught over this situation. Me and her see eye to eye on a great deal of things. We understand each other, and enjoy each others country. She is, which is quite rare these days, a true friend. The kind of friend that will be there for at least a few more years yet....or so I thought. When we first started hanging out I used to get chastised by her because she would make plans and I would never follow through with them. She called me flakey...

 

So I stopped being flakey, and now it seems the the tables have turned, recently I'm the one making the plans and she flakes out on me. And what's worse is that me and her view our iPhones as extensions of our bodies pretty much. I know she has it on her, and yet for her to not respond and at least give me the courtesy of saying she doesn't want to do anything just hurts.

 

There is a saying, Friends will hurt you, when the time comes learning how to forgive them and move on is what separates the chaff from the wheat.

 

I can forgive, but it doesn't change the fact that it feels like her part in the friendship is waning a bit.

 

I guess I'm just unsure how to act around her right now. Should I feel offended? Should I ignore it? Should I let her know that the tables have turned and she is now "hurting" me? Why should I do these things? Should I treat her differently because of her Hodgkin disease? (I wasn't before, I was just treating her like everyone else because she acted like everything was fine ---even though I was one of a few people privy to the knowledge that she even had the disease.

 

Appreciate the advice folks!

[Peaceful Guy]

I guess I'm just unsure how to act around her right now. Should I feel offended? Should I ignore it? Should I let her know that the tables have turned and she is now "hurting" me? Why should I do these things? Should I treat her differently because of her Hodgkin disease? (I wasn't before, I was just treating her like everyone else because she acted like everything was fine ---even though I was one of a few people privy to the knowledge that she even had the disease.

 

i think that you should let her know that you are upset about it and why. i don't think that you need to mention anything about turning tables as she already knows that its not acceptable behavior. being honest with your friends about how their actions make you feel without being accusatory is crucial. you should treat her well like you always have, pity is not a nice thing to give someone. also, remember that this isn't about you and im sorry this is happening. cheer up bud!

[Ronni_W]

Blue,

Belated Happy Birthday! Wishing you a much happier year ahead than how it's started off.

 

I get that celebrating your birthday is important to you and, from your post, your friend doesn't sound like someone who ordinarily would just blow that off unless she was struggling with life and/or nursing hurt feelings of her own.

 

You might want to consider opening your conversation with some version of, "Have I been a good mental and emotional support for you recently, given your hectic schedule and your health problems? What do you need more of and less of, from me?"

[because] Your friend might be struggling to keep it all together a helluva lot more than she is letting on, and has simply run out of mental, emotional, spiritual and physical resources to keep "being there" for you and others the way that she used to have the capacity to do.

 

You might consider asking her what she wants and needs from you while she is dealing with her current conditions -- far better to hear it directly from her than try to guess and assume.

Her situation/health has changed quite dramatically, and maybe your view and expectations of her has not kept pace with her reality. Maybe, for right now, she is not the same "emotionally and mentally strong" person with always enough left over to be and do what others want and need.

 

Sometimes we overlook the simpler ways of supporting others through an illness. Have you learned enough about Stage 2 Hodgkin's to have a meaningful conversation with her about her treatment, meds, prognosis, etc? Have you offered to help her with grocery shopping, housework, take/accompany her for medical appointments, whatever else practical she might be having difficulty and appreciate your help with?

 

Best of luck. Hopefully an open and honest conversation (or two) will give you both the info you need to be able to reach new heights of understanding and compassion, and forgive each other for all the real and perceived slights and differences.

[Peaceful Guy]

Hopefully an open and honest conversation (or two) will give you both the info you need to be able to reach new heights of understanding and compassion, and forgive each other for all the real and perceived slights and differences.

 

nice..

 

yeah, when i first read about you wondering if you should treat her different because of her illness i was totally thinking you meant.. should i excuse this behavior by pitying her?? but yeah, like ronni said and i wish ide caught on to.. she might need you in a different capacity than before..