When "too busy" becomes "go away?"

[TooShyToSayHi]

I'm in a weird place with someone I thought was a good friend. I'm not sure if this friend is actively avoiding me, or is taking the friendship for granted. Here's the scoop.

 

I have been friends with this person for about a year and a half. We hit it off right away. We are from completely different generations, so I understand there's some things that we will differ on when it comes to our outlooks.

 

This person is someone who tends to take on a LOT of responsibility (I think it's to avoid having to look too hard at his own life, but that's immaterial here.) He is a VERY busy man, and I understand that. However, the way he interacts with me is very different from how he interacts with other friends.

 

Whenever I ask him to coffee or just to hang out, he's always too busy. I took that at face value, because he has a LOT going on, as well as health and family issues. I miss him when he's absent, but I understand. However, some other things have come to light.

 

While spending time with a mutual friend, I found out that this friend of mine ALWAYS returns the other friends calls or emails. He rarely returns mine, often not even mentioning them when we do meet. For a long while I had suspected maybe he just no longer feels close to me anymore, but then something always happens to change that view.

 

Whenever I pull back and don't contact him for a while, he notices and gets concerned. He wants to know if anything is wrong, etc. I'm having a difficult time lately, and every so often he really comes through. He once even managed to secretly pay for my groceries, and payed for me to come to an event I couldn't afford to be at (I found out it was him by accident.)

 

Thing is, it's all so inconsistent. If I reach out, most times he ignores it. If I pull back, he calls or emails or talks to me face-to-face to make sure everything it ok, almost like he worries he has offended me. So if this is such a concern, why not return my calls or emails?

 

I understand "busy" but why isn't he too busy for anyone else? He is a very private person, but has confided things in me that NO ONE else knows, even people who have known him for years.

 

Should I just walk away? I really care about this person, and there was a time when we were so close. I know he cares about me on some level, but he hardly ever shows it. Am I being taken for granted?

 

I guess I'm most hurt that he seems to find time for other friends. So, I guess my question is, is it that he just doesn't care much for our friendship, or just takes it for granted, but feels the need to nurture other friendships he's less sure of?

 

He confuses me, but sometimes we're like brothers. Most of the time, however, we're like strangers. He and I went to lunch once a long (LONG) time ago, and I asked him out (we're both gay,) and he was not interested. I was TOTALLY fine with that! He recently asked me if I still had those feelings and if I was upset he didn't feel the same way. I assured him that was not the case, and I'm very happy with us being friends.

 

Then...he vanishes again. If he was like this with everyone I would figure it was just him, but it his behavior makes me feel like I've done something wrong, or I've annoyed him, especially as he doesn't do this to everyone.

 

He asks other friends how I'm doing. Why not just ask me? Argh this is frustrating!

 

Sorry...didn't mean to rant and vent. Most friendships don't phase me like this - but he's important to me. Thanks for listening!

Edited April 15, 2010 by TooShyToSayHi

[USMCHokie]

"Too busy" always means "go away." Regardless of whether it's a friend or a romantic partner. I have enough friends that I would never need someone like him to be a friend. If you have romantic intentions, he's too wishy washy to be a reliable and worthwhile partner. If he was truly interested, he'd make time, regardless of how "busy" he is. In my opinion, "too busy" is NEVER a legitimate excuse. If you're too busy, then I'll take my business elsewhere to someone who is actually dateable.

 

 

LAUNCH.

[TooShyToSayHi]

I understand that. I don't have romantic intentions and I think he FINALLY knows that. I don't usually bother with "too busy" types, but the thing is if I back off then all of a sudden he's worried about me or asks why I haven't been in touch.

 

THAT'S the confusing part! Either someone wants to be friends or doesn't, seems like he wants me to be his friend most of the time, but then he pulls his disappearing act. That's what I don't get.

[USMCHokie]

I understand that. I don't have romantic intentions and I think he FINALLY knows that. I don't usually bother with "too busy" types, but the thing is if I back off then all of a sudden he's worried about me or asks why I haven't been in touch.

 

THAT'S the confusing part! Either someone wants to be friends or doesn't, seems like he wants me to be his friend most of the time, but then he pulls his disappearing act. That's what I don't get.

 

 

Your response: "I've been busy."

 

You owe him nothing. You can find better friends.

[stillafool]

I think you friend still thinks you have a romantic interest in him and since he does not feel the same way about you it is uncomfortable spending time with you. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but I think you do have a romantic interest in him and if you do and are trying to hide it he can still feel it. I think you should leave him alone for awhile. Don't let him be your friend only on his terms.

[Zed]

I don’t think the problem is one sided attraction, based on the information you gave, he needs a form of validation and possibly some passive nurturing/emotional sustenance and you are just the audience that he can use and dispose of until he needs another hit, then once he gets it he will disappear again. I have “befriended” a person like that. They can be very engaging, even charismatic and they pretend to care about your life, but they just need a little bit of sustenance before they are gone again. Cut him off is the best inoculation. He is not a real friend.

 

Its best to evaluate what exactly a real friendship is what it really looks like and what kind of friend you truly want in your life. Hot and Cold just gives him the advantage of keeping you off balance and thus he is able to control you. Friendship is give and take, understanding, support, and comfort. Friendships like relationships have to be nurtured and it has to come from both parties, it can be one sided when one person is doing all the giving, unless you are a masochist. You should only bestow the honor ary title of friend who totally epitomizes the spirit of collobration and support. All the rest are just acquaintances and associates. I bet you that that the mutual friend you know of who he dutifully calls, etc., probably wouldn't notice if he stopped calling--and that is telling right there.

[Crusoe]

"Too busy" always means "go away."

 

I disagree. "Too busy" are words that often come from my mouth when people call, simply because I am too busy.

 

TooShy, I have friends that I often don't see for months, sometimes years, but they are always there if I need them, as I am for them. We don't need to nurture our friendships, they are a given, proven over the years, proven during the bad times. They are my true friends and they are rare.

 

The rest, I call them "good time people" because that's all they are there for, when the bad times come round they disappear. There are dozens of them, I see them often, usually for drinks or a round of golf.

 

Coffee and hang outs isn't friendship, buying your groceries when you are skint is. It looks to me as if you have a friend who is there for you during the bad times. I would call that a true friend.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if he needs-wants to be in charge of all the important aspects of this relationship; to control the 'when, what and how' of all interactions between you two.

 

From your post, it actually doesn't sound mutual enough to be a genuine-healthy "friendship" -- he seems to like being in the role of "giver"...but that can leave the other person (you) feeling indebted, needy, dependent, etc.

Not that you don't also want to give...but that he's not giving you the opportunity to give if, when, what and how you'd want, need or like to contribute to the relationship.

 

I'd suggest that you're feeling 'off kilter' because the relationship is grossly out of balance -- your sense/gut/instinct that "something ain't right" is 100% on the mark, IMO.

[USMCHokie]

I disagree. "Too busy" are words that often come from my mouth when people call, simply because I am too busy.

 

 

My general rule applies moreso to dating than friendships.

[freestyle]

It sounds as if he needs-wants to be in charge of all the important aspects of this relationship; to control the 'when, what and how' of all interactions between you two.

 

From your post, it actually doesn't sound mutual enough to be a genuine-healthy "friendship" -- he seems to like being in the role of "giver"...but that can leave the other person (you) feeling indebted, needy, dependent, etc.

Not that you don't also want to give...but that he's not giving you the opportunity to give if, when, what and how you'd want, need or like to contribute to the relationship.

 

I'd suggest that you're feeling 'off kilter' because the relationship is grossly out of balance -- your sense/gut/instinct that "something ain't right" is 100% on the mark, IMO.

 

 

 

As usual, I think Ronni is spot-on in her assessments.It's almost like it's an ego trip for the OP's friend---playing the role of the benevolent......mentor?.......benefactor?, perhaps? Always in the one-up position, looking down from a lofty height.

 

It comes across as condescending to me. Personally, I tend to get offended when some one is condescending to me.......it insults my wisdom and intelligence.

 

That's the message I would read if a friend wanted to help me with my problems, but never asked me for my advice or assistance with their problems. I would feel ........invalidated.

 

Good friendships should be based on mutual respect--where both parties' insight is acknowledged.

[Deeblondie82]

Just live your life... go on and do your own things and if he is there he is and if not then.. move on. I mean I get you care for him and are wondering why he is saying those things.. but if he is going to treat you like some yo-yo then it seems like he isnt a true friend. Like I said just go on with life if he emails ya calls you talk but dont put the effort into something that isnt really there. I know I was best friends with someone who thinks I back stabbed her and its never been the same since

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you all for your input, you have all raised VERY valid points. Perhaps he does care, but since I'm always so available to him, he takes it for granted. He is someone who really, really wants to be liked and respected. He knows he has my affection and respect, so puts all his effort on other people.

 

Another thing: I went through a depression a little while back, and he called me up and asked me if the reason I was depressed was because he turned me down for a date. I was flabbergasted (and somewhat insulted) because that was over a year ago. He knows there are some terrible things happening in my life - and THAT'S what he thought was depressing me? Argh.

 

I've noticed also whenever he greets someone else in our group, they get a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. I get the hug. Granted I get quite a lot of hugging from him, and I'm not a kissing person, but the fact that he does that with everyone else, even acquaintances, makes me wonder what it is about me that stops him. Last time I saw him, when he gave a mutual friend a kiss on the cheek, he looked at me with a sort of significant look. I didn't know what to make of it. Maybe I imagined it.

 

He is someone who is very wrapped up in himself, though as Crusoe said, his assistance in times of need is way more important than coffee and hanging out.

 

I just wish that he would treat me the way he says he feels about me. He says what a good friend I am, and how much he cares. It often doesn't feel that way. Before so many new people came into our group, it was different. When so many people abandoned him, I was there. Now all his attention is on others.

 

It hurts. It REALLY hurts. But, I suppose I can either live with it or end it. He's not gonna change, nor should he. He shouldn't have to change to suit me, just as I would never dream of changing to suit him.

 

I'll probably see him sometime in the next few days. This time, however, I won't go out of my way to be chummy with him. I'll put MY focus on the other members of our group. Not as revenge...but as a measure of self-care.

 

Thank you all again for your comments.

[freestyle]

After reading the post you wrote today, OP, it reinforces my belief that this is a person whose priority is gratifying his own ego.

 

I believe you'd be better off focusing your attention elsewhere. Not necessarily writing him off entirely, but keeping a polite arm's length, while remaining civil.

 

I would also recommend caution about confiding anything in a person who is sounding a lot like an attention wh*re to me . (it fits in with the ego-tripping)

In my experience, people like that will give away your deepest, darkest secrets, if it puts them in the spotlight for a few moments.

 

wishing you my best.......FS

[TooShyToSayHi]

The ego thing might be spot on. The other night, he made a joke, referencing my former attraction to him - in front of someone HE'S interested in. It was done in a way that only he and I would know what he was talking about, but it irked me. I don't think he meant to be hurtful or flippant, but for someone who isn't interested in me, he sure brings up the fact that I was ONCE interested in him pretty often.

 

Then, like an idiot, I called him the other day for advice, sort of a follow up on advice he'd given me previously. He didn't answer so I left a message.

 

Do you think he called back? Ha. Of course not.

 

I'm tired of being humiliated. Screw 'im, I'm done. Of course, I've said that before, then he does something nice to/for me, and makes me think that we can have a healthy friendship after all.

 

You can't make someone stop taking you for granted. One day I'll get that through my thick skull! Thanks everyone, you've been great!

 

Dolly Parton said in the movie Straight Talk: "You are not gonna change him. You gotta live with it, or end it. Tinkle or get off the potty. Either way, you'll start to like yourself again."

Edited April 19, 2010 by TooShyToSayHi

[TooShyToSayHi]

What I'm not understanding is what possible reason would someone have for treating me like they care a great deal one moment, then ignoring me the next. I wonder if he even does it consciously?

 

Actually, guys, I have another question. I'm going to see this friend at the weekend (not one on one, in a group) and I'm not sure what to do.

 

I suppose the "mature" thing to do would just act like normal, but I almost feel like that's giving him the reward of friendship for basically telling me I'm not that important to him (by not returning calls, emails, when I know he returns other peoples.)

 

However, if I do the opposite: ignore him, or be somewhat cool (not cold), or simply not engage him, it seems kinda childish and passive-aggressive.

 

Not sure what to do. I'm angry and hurt, and part of me wants to say "Didn't our closeness mean anything to you? What's so great about these other people that they warrant attention when they're merely acquaintences?" But I can't see that making me look very good.

 

I suppose I could just not go to this event, but why should I miss out on seeing other friends just because this guy is a flake?

 

Being nice to him, again, feels like I'm rewarding him for taking me for granted, as if I'm saying "Yeah, treat me like crap, I'll still be here." But totally ignoring him doesn't seem like the right answer either.

 

I know myself, and I'll be seething about this until the next time he does something nice. That's how it works, if I back off or don't lavish all my attention on him, he showers me with affection. So, I let him off the hook, chalk the bad stuff up to just my imagination, and things are ok for a while.

 

Then he starts ignoring me again. I don't know why I can't just drop him. Some of the things he's done for me are way beyond the call of duty for a friend, really lovely things, but I just can't go on dealing with the times he treats me like I'm invisible.

 

I've never been very good at being ok with being ignored.

[D-Lish]

My advice to you is to find a better friend.

 

If you have to see him on the weekend, just be aloof.

Friendship isn't a one way street, true friends reciprocate- and he has shown you he is not capable of doing this.

 

Keep him as an acquaintence. Be civil when you have to interact, but leave it at that.

 

It sounds as if he gets off on thinking you have a crush on him, and that's douchey.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thanks D-Lish, your last sentence made me laugh out loud! He does seem to get weird when I express interest in someone else. He's a lot older than me, too, you'd think he'd have grown up! I mean, if you don't want to be with me, why care if I'm interested in someone else? That IS douchey!

 

I want to add something, while he's always been bad about returning calls and emails, it's gotten WAY worse the last 9 months or so as our group expanded. He tries SO hard to be chummy with them. When it was only me, and his friends had abandoned him, we started getting close. Now I feel he is "replacing" me with these other guys. I know he talks to them on the phone (not often, but he does) and wants to be ESPECIALLY close to one of them, if you know what I mean. So, I totally get him falling all over that guy, that makes sense. Totally ignoring me when other people are around, or if I call, doesn't.

 

I know I should just ditch him, not sure why I can't do it. Usually because just as I'm about to, he does something really nice.

Edited April 20, 2010 by TooShyToSayHi

[D-Lish]

Thanks D-Lish, your last sentence made me laugh out loud! He does seem to get weird when I express interest in someone else. He's a lot older than me, too, you'd think he'd have grown up! I mean, if you don't want to be with me, why care if I'm interested in someone else? That IS douchey!

 

I want to add something, while he's always been bad about returning calls and emails, it's gotten WAY worse the last 9 months or so as our group expanded. He tries SO hard to be chummy with them. When it was only me, and his friends had abandoned him, we started getting close. Now I feel he is "replacing" me with these other guys. I know he talks to them on the phone (not often, but he does) and wants to be ESPECIALLY close to one of them, if you know what I mean. So, I totally get him falling all over that guy, that makes sense. Totally ignoring me when other people are around, or if I call, doesn't.

 

I know I should just ditch him, not sure why I can't do it. Usually because just as I'm about to, he does something really nice.

 

Jaysus, I now realize you're a guy and not a girl, lol. Forgive my cluelessness!

 

Are you being honest with yourself about not having feelings for him?

[TooShyToSayHi]

I don't have romantic feelings anymore, no. I feel very close to him though, mainly because how things were when we were first getting to know each other. I moved to this area a couple years ago, and he was my first close friend here.

[D-Lish]

I don't have romantic feelings anymore, no. I feel very close to him though, mainly because how things were when we were first getting to know each other. I moved to this area a couple years ago, and he was my first close friend here.

 

Maybe that's why you are attached to his friendship- because you hold onto his best behaviour rather than who he truly is.

 

It's easy to get attached to notions those first impressions impose on us.

[TooShyToSayHi]

It is indeed. I guess I just feel like I never meant anything to him, that I was just someone to pass the time with until he found "better" people. Oh well, not a whole lot I can do.

 

I think I'm gonna drop him - just fade away. I doubt he'd notice.

[D-Lish]

It is indeed. I guess I just feel like I never meant anything to him, that I was just someone to pass the time with until he found "better" people. Oh well, not a whole lot I can do.

 

I think I'm gonna drop him - just fade away. I doubt he'd notice.

 

Considering that he kinda sounds like a narcissist- he'll notice.

[TooShyToSayHi]

You have a point. Every time I've tried to back away - suddenly he's calling me all the time and being my best buddy.

 

Gees, sometimes I wonder if he's 12 years old masquerading in a middle-aged body.

 

If he isn't interested in my friendship any longer, I wish he'd man up and say so rather than doing the hot and cold crap. Though I wonder if that's less about sparing my feelings and more about not being the bad guy.

[D-Lish]

You have a point. Every time I've tried to back away - suddenly he's calling me all the time and being my best buddy.

 

Gees, sometimes I wonder if he's 12 years old masquerading in a middle-aged body.

 

If he isn't interested in my friendship any longer, I wish he'd man up and say so rather than doing the hot and cold crap. Though I wonder if that's less about sparing my feelings and more about not being the bad guy.

 

What if some of it has to do with you allowing yourself to be treated in a way you don't deserve to be treated? That would mean that you actually have choice and control over the situation...

[TooShyToSayHi]

Well, I see your point, but the only way to NOT be ignored when calling is to, well, not call. I suppose I could try that.

 

I also don't know if there's any benefit from trying to help him understand that I find his behavior hurtful. The only answer seems to scale back the friendship (there's not really the option of never seeing him - we have lots of mutual friends who we see once every week.)

 

I guess I just won't seek him out anymore. No more calls to see how he's doing (he's got some hard stuff going on - but I know he talks about it with OTHER people.) No more taking him aside and asking how he's doing. Hello. How are you. That's all he'll get from me, and when he asks me the same, I will no longer go beyond "fine, thanks."

 

It's all I can do. This shouldn't hurt this much.