'Friend' taking advantage of partner

[Mittens]

Apologies in advance, this is likely to be a long post as I have a lot to get off my chest...

 

Background: I've been with my partner for 7 months - whirlwind romance, both very happy. At first it was a LDR, with me living in Manchester, him in London. As I'm unemployed, and with no family, it was logical that I move to be with him...more job opportunites, and he has a large family who have welcomed me with open arms.

 

London being expensive, we knew it was unlikely that we would be able to afford a flat on our own - he works in care, which isn't the best paid profession in the world. A female friend of his (who I also vaguely knew) was looking to move out of her parents and it was agreed that the 3 of us would get a place together.

 

The main stipulation for both was that it had to be of equal distance from their places of work. My partner had had to move back in with his parents in Greenford for 6 months as his previous place had been sold unexpectedly. His parents live just around the corner from his work. I don't know London at all, so I trusted that both of them would know where the best areas to look for flats would be.

 

Now prior to us moving in together, I spent a week in London (had some redundancy money come through) Met this 'friend' a number of times, and she asked to 'lend' 50 pounds off me...knowing how depressing it can be having no money, I did so.

 

The 'friend' located a flat in Twickenham last December - at the time I was unable to travel to view the property, so trusted my partner to assess it's suitabilty. The rent was about 200 pounds a month more than we had originally budgeted for, but this 'friend' basically fell in love with it at first sight and was determined to have it.

 

Warning bells should have rung on the day they were due to view it - it took my partner nearly 2 hours to get from Greenford to Twickenham, and he was too late to view it...and this 'friend' put down a 200 pound security deposit (to stop the letting agent renting to someone else) without either me or my partner actually seeing the place.

 

The actual deposit for the flat was 3000 pounds - two months rent and the lettting agents fees. We only found out then that this 'friend' only had 500 pounds ... my partner could only afford 1000, so I ended up paying the most, 1500 pounds....which I was really not happy about, I was expecting to pay 1000 pounds at the most. This was my redundancy money, I was needing to hold onto every penny until I found work again.

 

We then had the stress of moving just after Christmas - which for other reasons was an extremely stressful one for me. We were basically bullied by the letting agents to move in before the New Year...I was unable to do so, so my partner and this 'friend' moved in at the end of December, and I finally saw the flat for the first time in the first week of January.

 

To say I was disappointed is a massive understatement. I have a lame right leg, and find stairs extremely difficult...this flat is at the top of a four storey block, and has four flights of stairs. It is small, and as I've been unable to afford to have my stuff sent down from Manchester, now it is full of this 'friend' and my partners stuff, there is now now room for any of my possessions. Frankly, if I had seen it, just the stairs alone would have made me say NO to taking it.

 

We now have 2 main problems:

 

1. This 'friend' is not paying her share of anything. She still owes me and my partner her share of the deposit - another 500 pounds. We were all due to go on holiday to LA in February, and she lied to my partner, by saying if he booked all the flights together on his credit card, she would transfer the money to him. It then turned out she didn't have a penny... so now she owes my partner nearly 1000 pounds. She barely contributes to food costs, but expects either my partner or myself to cook massive meals for her every night. She's cooked 2 meals in nearly 3 months - and I wasn't there for one of them. She also does no housework, the place would be a dump if it wasn't for the fact that I'm looking for work and therefore have the time to do the necessary cleaning.

 

My partner has a long history of depression, and takes medication every day. He's gone from being nearly 2000 pounds in credit this time last year, to now nearly 4000 pounds in debt. Before we moved in, he made (in my opinion) the fatal error of telling this 'friend' that he had a credit card with a 5000 limit...she now sees him as a walking cash machine and expects him to pay for everything. He had a relapse of his depression when we were in LA, which meant he was too ill to leave the hotel and we ended up seeing and doing nothing the time we were there...of course she went out and about everywhere and a brilliant time. Talk about adding insult to injury...

 

We are also certain she lied on the credit check the letting agent did and said she earns 5000 pounds more a year than she actually does. Basically, she cannot afford to live here, and myself and my partner are having to cover her.

 

2. On a good day it takes my partner 1 hour to commute to work - he has to catch 3 buses. When he is working an early shift - which means commuting during rush hour, it can take 2 and a half hours. He is now constantly late for work, because buses are either late or don't turn up. We have calculated that if he is starting at 8am, he would have to leave the flat at 5am to be certain of getting in on time...and buses don't start that early.

 

His solution? The nights where he is starting work at 8am the next day, he is going to stay at his parents. Out of a 7 day period, he usually works 2 night shifts (all night) and 2 early shifts, with 1 during the day. Sometimes he works an extra early or night shift for the money - so working 6 days out of 7.

 

This 'friend' only has to catch one bus and it takes 30 minutes for her to get to work.

 

Obviously I am not happy about this, because it means I will hardly ever see him, and will have to be spending alot of time in the flat with someone that I am now extremely angry with. 4 nights out of 7 (at least) I am not going to see him - my marriage failed because my ex and I never spent anytime together, and I was determined that wouldn't happen again.

 

This 'friend' never gives us a second alone as it is. Even before we moved in, my partner had told her that he wanted to have the flat to ourselves for a couple of hours on Valentine's Day evening (he was working the day) so he could cook me a special meal. She refused point blank....and this was only a couple of days after he had paid for her flight to LA! All she ever does is sit on her fat arse on her laptop.

 

Unfortunately we are locked in the lease for this flat until the end of the year.

 

I know my partner has to 'man up' and tell her to pay her way, at least...but his mental state is really not good at the moment, he is worried sick about how he is going to pay his debts off. The 'friend' is waiting for a settlement from a insurance company - but that could take months yet. She's made it crystal clear she isn't going to be paying him back any money in the meantime...and of course I've never got the 50 pounds back she lent me. I could really do with it now.

 

I am now really wishing I had stayed in Manchester. Without my money, they wouldn't have been able to take the flat.

Edited March 22, 2010 by Mittens

[doublescorpio]

The first thing I can think of here is that there is no way all of you are going to make it a year in that place. Either someone is going to go into major debt or worse, go crazy...

 

Whose name is on the lease? Did all three of you sign? I wonder if there is any way for you to talk to the landlord and tell them what happened. The fact that you have problem with the stairs and also two of the three members had not seen the house is a problem. The fact that this "friend" of yours may have lied about her income is a major problem. Most landlords would rather break a lease and rent out the place to someone who could afford it at this place rather than keep you guys there in a problematic financial situation.

 

If you and your partners names are not on the lease, I would walk out of this situation. Go live with his parents for a month and find a new space. She sounds like a terrible friend and has caused you both enormous distress so you have every right to let this be her problem, basically she created it.

 

If you are on the lease and the landlord is unwilling to break the lease, look into subletting.

 

Now the next thing, if I were you I would be extremely careful in your situation. Without a job and contacts there you are really vulnerable. Are you legally able to be there right now? Since you were in a long distance relationship for a rather short time before moving in together it may also not be clear what your partners judgment is like etc. He may be a great person but if he is vulnerable to being taken advantage of or is a passive type person you should be aware, as you could get into a significant amount of debt etc with him. That is a terrible way to start a relationship.

 

Anyway, I stick to my advice above and also you should victimize yourself a bit less perhaps because its ounds like you have more control than you think. Good luck!

[Mittens]

Thanks for your reply.

 

My partner and this 'friend' are on the lease...I'm on the tenancy as a 'permitted occupant' - because I'm not working, the letting agency wanted 6 months rent in advance before they would let me on as a full tenant...money I didn't have.

 

This could work in my favour, as it means that legally I'm not responsible for the rent, my partner and 'friend' are. Obviously I want my 1500 pounds back no matter how the tenancy ends, and am looking into having a legal document drawn up to this affect.

 

My partner and I have no joint finances - and it is going to stay that way. I was advised by my solicitor to have no bills put in my name as I am not a full tenant.

 

I would love to walk out, but unfortunately my partner would still be liable for half the rent every month. He was living at his parents for 6 months prior to us taking this place, and I know they were relieved to see him move out...they are having their own financial problems, it is a small house and I would not wish to impose on them.

 

Since I posted I have been imposing more 'distance' between us and this friend...spending more time together in our room, going out and doing things on our own...I really have no desire to spend a minute more with her than is unavoidable. Luckily my partner is in full agreement with me on this.

 

I can understand what you say about his judgement not being the best - but I think we are both to blame...we trusted this girl, but we had no idea before living with her what she was truly like. I have confided in a friend that knows the three of us, and he is as shocked by what has happened as we are.

 

Now that we are into spring, I am planning to spend alot more time out of the flat. Hopefully I will get work where my hours mean I see as little of her as possible.

[Mittens]

I know this only got one reply when I originally posted, but it's a good place for me to vent...

 

In the last couple of months things have got worse. This 'friend' has finally admitted that she can only barely pay her share of the rent when it is split between the three of us. So back in December she lied her arse off to my partner when she told him she could pay half. I'm not legally obliged to pay a penny towards the rent, I'm not a tenant...and it even states this in the lease.

 

Half the rent and bills comes out of her bank account, half out of my partner's. She now has the gall to take most of my employment check off me, as payment of my 'share' to her. On unemployment I get 260 pounds a month...she is taking 240 off me. Leaving me with 20 pounds a month. 5 pounds a week.

 

We have also found out that she didn't pay the council tax bill for the first 3 months we were resident in the flat...about 400 pounds in total. She took 200 pounds off my partner, but didn't pay it...we got a court summons last Wednesday (which happened to be my partners only day off). Another day off for him ruined by her, about the 3 in a row...

 

I was seriously considering moving back to Manchester, I have a friend who would let me stay with him for free. I can't bear the sight of this woman anymore, and am spending 90% of my time in the flat holed up in our tiny bedroom.

 

But thankfully I found out yesterday I was successful in getting a job I interviewed for last week...the pay is not brilliant, but it will be a great help.

 

I just hope I can survive the next 6 months or so, living here...

[KikiW]

Oh my goodness, I FEEL FOR YOU!

 

You trusted that this "friend" would do right by you, and instead she has just walked all over you two and gotten you all in a pickle. On top of which, she is bleeding you dry having lied to you about her own finances and skipping paying the bills she was supposed to pay.

 

My question is how can she take your unemployment check? Are you actually giving it to her? I don't think I would let her have it. That is money you need to live on. She needs to honor your original agreement that the rent would be split in half, and if she needs to get off her butt and get a second job, maybe she should do that.

 

Is there any way you can get the amount of money she owes you in writing? Like can you send her an email saying "Lisa, I have been going over our finances and you need to be aware that I will need to be repaid for the following: $50 I lent you in October 2009, $1500 for the security deposit, etc etc etc." I don't know if it would help you, legally, but that kind of thing helps here in the US. If she responds even with an "yeah I know but I don't have it" then she admits she owes it and would have to pay it back or she could be taken to small claims court (again, that's how it works here in the US, but perhaps there is a similar thing there in the UK).

 

Document EVERYTHING you can. Late bills? grab a copy or keep the stubs. court summonses? grab a copy. take notes on what you all had agreed to and the time when you agreed to it. Note when she admitted she could not afford her part of the expenses and her demand to change the agreement despite your unemployment status. Note your physical limitations and her lack of consideration for your needs and the needs of your partner with regard to travel time.

 

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. All I can say is I am so sorry your friend is screwing you over. Just be thankful that the longest period you will have to deal with her is 6 months. Then you never have to see her face again. (Unless you need to take her to court, but then you should be pretty pleased because you will have documentation and proof she owes you).

[Mittens]

Thanks Kiki

 

Yeah, I have been stupid enough to give her most of my unemployment check. I was due to give her 'rent' on Tuesday - I found out I had got the job on Monday evening -and I told her straight away that until I get my first pay check (which could be up to 6 weeks from now) she won't be getting another penny off me.

 

I'm willing to pay my share of the bills, for services I have used, like electricity, phone, etc...but as she wouldn't co-operate with the benefits agency so I could claim housing and council tax benefit, I don't see why I should pay any rent. Especially when all I've been getting is unemployment benefit.

 

She immediately told my SO that she would have to 'borrow' 20 pounds off him as she doesn't get paid til Friday...we weren't even able to celebrate me getting the job, as we had no money - he didn't even have 5 pounds himself, let alone any money to give her. I'm still so shocked and angry, considering she now owes him nearly 1100 pounds, that she even asked...

 

I haven't admitted it to anyone, but there is a part of me that is actually sorry that I got the job...I hate living with this woman so much, I was looking forward to going back to Manchester and getting away from her. I love my SO very much, and would have missed him, but now I've got 6 months stuck with this cow.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Mittens