For Those of You Who Have Remained Friends with an Ex

[littlebittle]

I know this is a controversial subject. Some people feel that they could never be friends with an ex, and I've heard many reasons why. I respect that and understand why it can be difficult. There are definitely situations where it just isn't possible.

 

But for those of you who have remained friends with an ex, I would like to know what your personal experience was. What were the circumstances under which the breakup occurred? Who did the dumping? How long were you dating? How long after the breakup did you start hanging out again? How long after the breakup did either of you start dating other people? Are you still friends? How close are you as friends and how much time do you spend together? What kind of boundaries do you feel are appropriate? Are current SO's comfortable with the friendship?

[beerpong]

This might not be the reply you're looking for but i had to say something anyways. To all you people who are friends with your ex show some damn respect to who your with and don't pull that crap. No excuse or reason is acceptable unless you have kids together

[Satisfaction]

I don't think its a good idea to be friends with your ex. I think its a good idea to be amicable. If the break up was good and one person did not go psycho, I think you should.

Its such a shame to go from being intimate spending so much time together to nothing.

I try to have some form of contact if its possible. even if it only means birthdays and Christmas cards.

But being very close with an ex is a bad idea. Especially if you do it to the extent that your current partner has reason to get jealous.

[Bejita463]

But for those of you who have remained friends with an ex, I would like to know what your personal experience was.

 

I'll share.

 

What were the circumstances under which the breakup occurred?

 

I've had more than my fair share of relationships where some form of cheating took place (not on my end), and that is the predominant cause of my relationships ending.

 

Who did the dumping?

A couple times the female left me. There rest were mostly mutual.

 

How long were you dating?

 

6 months, 4 years, 1 year, 3 months were the ones that lasted any significant amount of time.

 

How long after the breakup did you start hanging out again?

 

Roughly a month.

 

How long after the breakup did either of you start dating other people?

 

I didn't keep track.

 

Are you still friends?

 

I am still on speaking terms with my ex-wife, but no. The first one is married now, and we remain friendly. The third... we speak, but she does not behave in a manner that leads me to call her a friend. The fourth, I happen to be speaking to right now on Yahoo.

 

How close are you as friends and how much time do you spend together?

 

I very rarely see any of them except the fourth. Her I see once or twice a month. Speak online fairly frequently though.

 

What kind of boundaries do you feel are appropriate?

 

Depends on whether there is another SO for either party. If not, the boundaries go only as far as either side are comfortable with. To put that comment into context, none of my friendships with exes has ever been a FWB.

 

If you have a SO, nothing with a female friend, whether they are an ex or not, if acceptable that is not acceptable for an ordinary friend. In other words, intimate contact that is not usual is a no-no then.

 

Are current SO's comfortable with the friendship?

 

Any SO that wants to keep me around will have to be. SOs don't get to tell me who my friends can be.

 

 

This might not be the reply you're looking for but i had to say something anyways. To all you people who are friends with your ex show some damn respect to who your with and don't pull that crap. No excuse or reason is acceptable unless you have kids together

 

There is nothing wrong with you having things you believe. Where a problem presents itself is when you believe that your morals supersede those of others. Simply put, your opinion is not more valid than anyone else's simply due to the fact it is yours.

 

The universe does not revolve around the Earth, so it stands to logic that no person in it can possibly be the focal point either.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm friends with an ex. We were seeing each other for three years, we talk, meet up once every other week.

 

I think it's important if there were no particular hard feelings to remain friends or at least, civil to each other because chances are, you made friendships during the relationship, which could lead to being placed in social settings together, and if you can't at least be civil and friendly, one of you won't get an invite, and could potentially lose out on some friends. Or put simply, the whole situation can get even more awkward.

 

I would always say it's best to give it time, you can't jump from being in a romantic relationship, to being a platonic friend overnight. You need to distance yourself from that relationship, seeing that side of things as separate before you can progress to a friendship.

 

If I had a current SO, I'd still expect to be able to talk with my ex, but of course, would understand that meeting him as much may be out of the question. But I would still meet him. For me, it's not about disrespecting your SO to be friends with an ex, it's about being friends, and why should you have to give that up because someone else came into your life and said so? Unless it's an inappropriate friendship, I see no problem.

 

Beerpong, there are various reasons why people split up, and quite a few of them, do not invoke hostility towards each other. Sometimes, that person isn't an ideal fit for an SO, but is for a friend, and losing them, would be very stupid. They may enrich your life in some way, you may just like knowing they are OK, etc etc. Just because one relationship ends doesn't mean that your feelings end, and I mean platonic feelings. Provided it's not inappropriate, doesn't put the needs of the ex (or any friend for that matter) above the needs of your SO, and happily accommodates your SO, I can't see the issue.

[counterman]

I was in a relationship for less than a year before we broke up. Things were getting tougher towards the end and I guess it took it's toll on her and she wanted out. After the break-up, a few days after, we tried to talk and there were suggestions of still being able to hang out. Around a week later, we begin to talk again and we spoke a bit on the phone. I knew what I wanted and I wanted her back. She just wanted to be friends. Since I still had feelings for her, I told her that we can't. She interpreted it the wrong way and thought I didn't want her friend. So, it turned into an argument but I stuck with my decision. I knew what she wanted, to keep me there if all else fails with other relationships. I don't think I can ever be friends with her.

[harmfulsweetz]

It depends on the reasoning though doesn't it? If one of you is keeping contact/friendship with the ex in the hope of getting back together, it won't work. Because you haven't the right intentions. If you both only want friendship, then it will work.

[phineas]

i'm tolerant of my STBXW for the children.

They do not need to see mommy & daddy argue any more.

she was cheating after the first yr of marriage (about 3 yrs).

[counterman]

It depends on the reasoning though doesn't it? If one of you is keeping contact/friendship with the ex in the hope of getting back together, it won't work. Because you haven't the right intentions. If you both only want friendship, then it will work.

 

Yes, I would say it depends on the reason for being friends. In my case, we both had ulterior motives for trying to remain friends.

[Undine]

I have mixed feelings about this issue, although I used to feel it was much more black and white. Time and experience has taught me what a complicated issue this can really be.

 

I am friends with a few exes, to varying degrees. Most of my exes I simply moved on from, and now several years later am back in peripheral contact with on Facebook out of curiosity about life changes, if at all. A couple of exes I keep in touch with sporadically on the phone or via email, and a couple I am genuinely friends with. One of these was a guy I only dated briefly, never slept with, and ended up parting ways with no hard feelings after I met my husband; the other guy I was in love with many years ago and had an on-again-off-again drama thing over a few years time, but he lives 3000 miles away now and is in his first real stable relationship and I'm happy for him; we talk on the phone a few times a year and in IM/over Facebook semi-regularly, maybe once every couple of weeks, send texts on holidays or for big notifications, that kind of thing.

 

I would give both up if my husband asked me to, though, because I have grown to believe that friendship with exes is much more complicated than I used to see it as and making my husband comfortable is my first priority, above maintaining contact with people from my past. I am biased of course and I have my own thread running right now on this subject about one of my husband's exes:rolleyes:.

 

I have also had negative experience with a SO's ex prior to this experience I am having with my husband. Some friendships are innocent and others just look innocent, even to the people involved (at first). IMO, people and men especially sometimes only see the surface nature of relationships. Deeper down, I noticed that the 'friend' was territorial about her ex (my bf), seemed to think she was superior to me somehow because he was into her first, as if that meant anything--he hadn't even met me yet at the time! She felt free to talk to him about me, give her opinion about our relationship and try to influence how he saw us, in my books, manipulative and NOT COOL. She would make references to people they used to hang out with or sexual practices they had together, in front of me, when I obviously had nothing to contribute to that particular conversation . Yet he thought I was trying to control him and make him choose when I asked him not to bring her into our relationship and rub my face in their 'friendship', so I left him alone with his toxic 'friendship.' I have noticed this with other friends' exes, even if they are not still wanting a current sexual/romantic relationship they seem to feel they have some prior claim to and secret inside knowledge of the middleman (or woman), which ends up making the new lover uncomfortable (understandably IMO), and then the new lover gets blamed for being insecure if they are strong enough to stand up for themselves and try to set boundaries. Messed-up dynamics. Doesn't always happen sure but does happen more often than a lot of people realize, I think.

[BG1985]

I just don't see how a guy could be friends with an ex for the sake of being friends. Most girls I'm friends with are due to the fact that they are part of my larger group of friends. I really don't go out and just make friends with girls. I was best friends with my ex girlfriend, but it doesn't feel right unless there is more than that involved. On top of all that, I think it's easier for girls to view guys platonically rather than the other way around. Guys look for sex, girls look for security. Having more guys around=greater security.

[Joe Normal]

But for those of you who have remained friends with an ex, I would like to know what your personal experience was. What were the circumstances under which the breakup occurred? Who did the dumping? How long were you dating? How long after the breakup did you start hanging out again? How long after the breakup did either of you start dating other people? Are you still friends? How close are you as friends and how much time do you spend together? What kind of boundaries do you feel are appropriate? Are current SO's comfortable with the friendship?

 

Broke up amicably due to incompatibility in an important area. I made the decision to end it but it was almost a 50/50 thing as she could tell I was becoming unhappy. Went out for a little over a year. No gap from going to friend after breaking up. I started dating around after a few weeks. Still friends. Pretty good friends, although distance means we don't meet that often. Boundaries are no sexual contact or suggestion of such. Current SO on my side is fine with it, she is single so I don't know on her end.

[Joe Normal]

I just don't see how a guy could be friends with an ex for the sake of being friends. Most girls I'm friends with are due to the fact that they are part of my larger group of friends. I really don't go out and just make friends with girls. I was best friends with my ex girlfriend, but it doesn't feel right unless there is more than that involved. On top of all that, I think it's easier for girls to view guys platonically rather than the other way around. Guys look for sex, girls look for security. Having more guys around=greater security.

 

You can be friends if her personality is interesting to you and vice versa, and both of you can handle eliminating romantic feelings. If you liked her in the first place, presumably you find her personality interesting. So then it's a case of can you turn off the lust/romance switch.

[whichwayisup]

If you can get over the emotional attachment, the romantic feelings, have boundries, then it is possible..But, alot of time has to go by where you don't see or talk to eachother. It also depends on what the circumstances are. If you're married or in a relationship, and the guy was someone on the side, then NO, keeping a friendship isn't fair to your current partner/spouse. It's just selfish and really serves no point.

[charasbb]

How do you establish these boundaries? I broke up with my ex 3 months ago. He cheated on me, but I feel like I want him as a friend in my life (maybe i'm crazy for wanting this?) but we hung out today and felt like he was still treating me as a girlfriend and I could tell he still had feelings for me. I guess more time is required regardless, especially since I still feel a lot of anger towards him, but in a few more months how does one do it?

[Eeyore79]

I keep in touch with my long-term ex, but we rarely see each other or talk on the phone, it's mostly Facebook and stuff. We dated in our teens, and got back together a few times in our twenties... we've known each other for so long that it's unthinkable just to cut contact permanently. I think he dumped me the first time, and I dumped him the last time... we were just silly kids.

 

Another ex added me on Facebook, but we don't really keep in touch, I think we were just nosy about what each other was doing. We dated for six months or so, over a decade ago.

 

I'm friends with another ex, who I lived with for two years... he lives abroad, but we keep in touch via occasional emails, and we catch up over coffee when he comes home to visit his parents. He's a genuinely nice guy and I value him as a friend, though we weren't suited to each other in a relationship. Breaking up was a mutual decision when he got the job offer abroad... even when we were dating, we were more like just friends (pecks on the cheek were really as far as it went, apart from a couple of unmemorable occasions), so it made sense to remain friends.

 

In all cases, there's a boundary that we're "just friends", and there is to be no discussion of any sexual stuff we did together in the past, no suggestiveness or innuendo which would be inappropriate between friends, no reminiscing about romantic times or otherwise bringing up our past relationship. I guess you could say we ignore the "relationship" part and just focus on our friendship.

 

I will say, however, that I dont think you can remain friends if one or both of you is still totally in love or hurt over the breakup. Both of you have to have gotten over it and put it behind you, and have to realise that it was for the best and you work better as friends. I've been forced to cut contact with exes who are obviously still in love with me and incapable of being friends, just as the ex who I was still in love with had to cut all contact with me.

 

I don't think I could be "best" friends with an ex though, and see him all the time... I think there has to be some distance. I wouldn't like my bf being close friends with an ex, especially if it meant she was foisted on me, but I could deal with him being Facebook friends and occasionally having coffee etc, as long as she was decent and there were no lingering feelings. However, I have to admit that I don't identify my exes to a guy I'm dating, for fear he'll insist I cut contact... my friends/exes are my business, and as long as the contact isn't inappropriate then I think it should remain private.

[bluestraps]

There is two sides to a relationship the dumper and the dumpee. Some times you get dumped for a good reason , or sometimes the person you are with just can't deal with their own issues around relationships.

 

I was with a woman for 10 years with a short breakup period in between .

She dumped me. Now we are talking again ,in fact ive even seen her. But heres the thing shes in a new relationship.

 

You need to know why you want to be friends. If youre not over the breakup yet, a few signs..... Do you cry or get very emotional when seing a picuture ? or looking at their facebook profile? , or when thinking about them . Or are you secretly wishing you could work things out.

 

Or even the dreaded ," i feel lonley" or like "I cant see ever finding someonelse" you may not be ready to be.. "JUST" friends

 

 

I am personaly about 50 % 50 over my relationship And also think what is the motivation of the friendship

 

Below I have a link please check it out it a accompaning audio track about breakuos and remaining friends please listen 6.min

 

http://www.davidwygant.com/blog/embrace-your-ex/4224/

Edited April 17, 2010 by bluestraps