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Losing my best friend?


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I need some advice -

 

My best friend is a girl that I went to school with our whole lives, graduated high school together, roomed together at college, and this past year we ahve gotten really close, like sisters. Well I was engaged this past year and her and her boyfriend weren't, but she really wanted to be, but he told her he wasn't ready. Well, in Febuary, she found out she is pregnant with his child. THen immediately after she found out she was pregnant, they decided to get married (and this was about a month after he told her he wasn't ready) and their wedding was in June, only a week after my own wedding. And now we hardly ever talk. When I call her, she is real short with me, and she won't open up to me anymore. I really want to keep our strong friendship, and be a part of her life and her new baby's life. I want us to be as close as we used to be. I just feel like maybe she isn't happy with this new marriage that was kind of forced upon her and it is changing her. I don't know how to talk to her about it, but I don't want to lose my best friend. Her baby is due in October and I want to be there for her. I want to be close to her and her baby. I don't know what to do to keep out friendship strong. Can someone help?

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There's not really a whole lot you can do in this case. There are many things in life we don't control and this is one of them. By her being short with you on the phone, it's hurting you and she's sending a message that she wants some space...give it to her.

 

Send her a short not telling her you are feeling that she is needing space in her life now. Tell her no more that you will be there for her if she needs you and that you value the friendship a great deal. Let her know that you are hurt by the emotional distance that seems to divide you now but you will try to understand. Then tell her you will leave it up to her to contact you whenever she feels the time is right. Then back off and have no further contact.

 

As painful as it is, this does happen. Sometimes friendships are not forever...and they are certainly not unilateral. If one person doesn't want a friendship, it's over. Lots of times, there are long periods where friendships are totally dormand and inactive but later on come back to life again stronger than ever. There are also times when they die and are never resurrected.

 

The best friend you can be is to let your friend go and give her the power to reinstate the friendship if she ever has the desire to...since it seems to be her who is wanting some separation at this time.

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well...the other night I called her just wanting to chit chat, but I didn't get her so I left a voice mail saying that we should get together and go to dinner sometime soon cause we haven't in a while, and she called me back that same day and wanted to go to dinner, so we did, and had a good time. But it's just like I fell like she is unhappy and that's what's causing her to change...not necessarily that she needs space, Tony, I don't think that's what it is. I mean she wanted to marry this guy for so long, but he kept telling her that he wasn't ready, and then all of a sudden she's pregnant and they get married and I think she knows that the only reason he married her is because she is pregnant and he has a history of cheating on her and one of our mutual good friends informed me at her wedding that the cheating is still going on. I wanted to tell her, but I don't know how to talk to her about a subject that touchy. I guess she is one of those people who has to walk in on it to believe it. I just hate to see mybest friend end up in such a mess with this dickwad, and a baby on the way. It's sad...and I love her and want to be there for her and want us to be close. That's the rest of the story.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I wrote earlier about this situation, didn't get many responses, so for those of you who didn't read it let me fill you in before I say what I want to say -

 

My best friend, Jen, and I have been good friends all thru high school and then best friends and roomates in college. We were so close. She has had the same boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. She wanted to get married to him and they had talked about getting engaged before Christmas. SHe spent a week on a cruise with her family over Christmas and he didn't go. When she got back he told her that he had had the best time he'd had in a long time while she was gone and that he wasn't ready to get engaged and DEFINANTLY not ready to get married. And he almost broke it off with her. Well this upset her a lot. But eventually the "decided" to just stay dating. WEll about a month later she finds out she is pregnant. She didn't seem that upset about it, and then they decided to get married! So here it is June and they got married the first weekend in June. Some of her other friends have tried to tell her that this guy messes around on her, but she refuses to believe it.

 

On the day of thier wedding, through the whole ceremony, he kept his hands in his pocket and looked down..he wouldn't even look at her. You could tell from the expression on his face that he didnt want to be there. And he got trashed at the reception which upset her. He just always acts like a cocky jerk.

 

She hasn't finished college, and she just filed bankruptcy, they are in the process of building a 2 story house, he works all day and until 9:00pm at night, so when the baby comes she will have all the responsibility and if he decides to leave her one day (which is very likely) she will be left with nothing because everything is in his name.

 

My mother-in-law used to work with him and she saw him at Wal-Mart the other day and he didn't have his wedding band on. When she asked him why he didn't have it on, he said "We better not go there"....."I hate wearing rings". And a mutual friend of ours told me that the cheating is still going on and he doesn't plan on stopping just because they got married.

 

The thing is - this is my BEST friend. I love her very much. I don't want her to get hurt, but I know it is inevitable. She is set up for heartache with this fool. I want her to know so very badly all the dirty deeds he is out doing, but if I try to talk to her about it, she won't believe me and it will just make her mad at me. She jsut doesn't want to believe it, even though I think she may suspect it. I mean he has admitted to lying to her and going out behind her back before. It's just that she is going to have that baby in October and I feel like her life will just be wrecked after that. I wish that I could talk to her and try to get her to open up to me like she used to. I know that she isn't truly happy. I could tell she wasn't at her wedding. She even stated that she is afraid the only reason he married her is because she is pregnant. Which, of course, is true.

 

I am just torn here, because I care about her so much and I know that eventually she will learn of his unfaithfulness and she will be so hurt. It is certain. Sooner or later his cover will be blown, I mean we live in a small town, and he doesn't try to hide it. Everyone knows how he is except Jen.

 

I want so badly just to sit down with her and talk about it and her open up to me and tell me how she is feeling. I want her to understand that I am here for her and that I love her, but I don't want to bring up the subject because it is such a touchy one. I just know that eventually this marriage will crumble and she will be left with nothing but a baby. I just wish there was someway I could help her or something. It's so terribly what this a**h*** is doing to her and all I can do is sit back and watch my best friend get stepped on by this creep that she adores.

 

I just want to remain close to my best friend and be there for her and talk to her. I want her to know that she can come and talk to me about it without me passing judgment or preaching to her. I just want to have a close relationship with her and her baby.

I am just so torn here and I wish I knew what to do.

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I am sorry this was so long and actually there is a lot more to it. But anyone that took time to read it, thank you so much. I really need some advice about this. I don't know what to do.

 

Thank you so much!

Nurse_Jamie

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It is so very hard to see people who we care for deeply, who have problems that you see clearly yet they don't seem to see.

 

And for someone like yourself, a caring friend, it is painful to know that perhaps you could help out, and straighten things out, if only you had the chance to get into her life...

 

Here are two things that I keep in mind when I get the yearning to help people out:

 

For every piece of advice you give, you are taking on a big responsibility. Like it or not, if your friend takes your advice and things get worse then you will have to live with guilt of having a part in that mistaken advice. If she dumps the guy and thinks later that was a mistake, she might hold you to partly blame.

 

Another thing that I think of is that yes, it is a concerned friend's duty to offer advice to a friend who wants it. But it is wrong to impose the advice on a friend who doesn't want it.

 

I would just offer to open the door a bit on your insight and advice for your friend. It will be up to her if she wants to open the door all the way and welcome your advcie, or to keep the door shut.

 

Perhaps start with something like, "You know, I've been thinking about your marriage lately. do you waqnt to talk?"

 

She might say "No thanks."

 

She might say "Sure," but go easy on what you say. Just baby steps. Just let her in on a little bit of your insight at a time. Keep checking wit her to see if she wants your input.

 

Another approach would be to ask her a hypothetical question: "If I were married and you knew my husband were having an affair, would you tell me? Do you think it's a friend's responsibility to tell?" In other words, let her take the lead on how far you should go with the information you have.

 

Finally, don't be surprised if you find out that she already knows more than you think she knows.

 

Good luck. She's lucky to have you as a friend.

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