Wanting to be friends again after rejection

[kellyG84]

Thanks a lot in advance for the help. And sorry about the long-windedness. Situation:

 

There's a guy, a family friend who has more or less kept in contact for more than a decade. I don't see the person very often since he lives pretty far away--my family moved-- but through fairly frequent emailing, skyping, and spending vacation time together within the last year or so, I've developed a fairly deep liking for him.

 

I decided to communicate this to him, and did so just a week ago face to face, by going down to where he lived. He seemed shocked and rejected me out right, saying that he's never considered me as anything more than a friend. I realize now that it was a pretty unwise move, but I do not regret that I told him how I feel. Now that I know how he feels, I feel that I'm ready to take control over myself and remain as a friend. His friendship has meant very, very much to me. I just hoped it could become more.

 

What concerns me, however, is that the guy will drift off and become uncommunicative. The only way I can talk to him is through the phone or emails, and I feel that it would be unbearable for me if he broke off contact. As family friends, we might meet, but I'm terrified that he will never talk to me as freely as he had in previous times.

 

Question is-------Should I leave this situation as it is or try writing him, explaining and making clear that I would like to remain friends with him? I like being very direct and open about possibly-awkward situations in any of my other relationships. But would sending a letter about the importance of his friendship and my desire to remain friends unsettle him even more or drive him away?

 

Any other advice/stories about recovering friendship after the girl has told the guy that she liked him?

 

I appreciate the help a ton. Thanks.

Edited January 11, 2010 by kellyG84

[WTRanger]

It'll take time, but it is possible. The thing to watch out for is if he starts to pull back and goes unresponsive that you cannot chase him. It's hard, because to have someone pull away from you is an awful feeling but if you chase you only push him farther away. I would not send him another letter explaining things. He knows where you stand and if he decides to, he can see that letter as a free key to play with your heart anytime he wants to.

 

Has the friendship meant a lot to you simple because you always wanted more or because you value him as a friend? Be honest and take a deep look in your heart. This is a common mistake in this situation. You put so much more weight on the supposed friendship simply becuase you had feelings for the guy when it reality the friendship was pretty weak and non-existent. Sometimes this is not the way, but for the most part it is the norm. This is why so many "friendships" fail after feelings come out.

 

Honest, true friendships that get caught up in the feelings gremlin can and will survive. However, those are very rare and take honest, open lines of communication. If communication breaks down everything dies off.

[kellyG84]

WTRanger,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It made me critically rethink how I've been feeling about this relationship. I have to say though, I don't think I was imagining a non-existent friendship--there was definitely a good deal of connection--and I feel that my liking stemmed from the degree of emotional intimacy that existed the friendship.

 

That said, if you don't mind and happen to read this thread again, I'm wondering if you could help me out a bit more. You said that I should not write him anything, and that:

 

Honest, true friendships that get caught up in the feelings gremlin can and will survive. However, those are very rare and take honest, open lines of communication. If communication breaks down everything dies off.

 

But to me, it seems that to create the "open lines of communication," I'd probably have to extend the proposal first. I don't think he's going to initiate any talk--not only because of my abrupt approach, but also because he's not the type to actively keep up with others in genenral (despite the fact that he talks much more than me when we talk). If I don't make a move now to mend things, and things fall to silence, isn't that more dangerous?

 

Sorry if I haven't understood you very well. Thanks again.

[WTRanger]

The thing is that you've made your point to him. There isn't much you can do to further explain yourself. You are just trying to ask him again to see if his response would be something different.

 

The only way for you to truly remain friends with him is to distance yourself from him for as long as it takes for you to actually get over the romantic feelings. If you think you can still remain in constant contact with him and get over him, you are going to be sadly mistaken in the future.

 

Believe me, a few months apart with no to very minimal contact won't kill this if it truly is a well established friendship. I once went 5 years without any contact with a female "friend" and when we finally reconnected it was as if we'd just talked yesterday. That is a true friendship.