Getting over lost friendships

[luvmyboys]

I guess I'm using this board as a form of therapy. I will not go into too much detail but I need some help in getting beyond this.

 

I formed two online friends who happened to live in the nearby cities from me. Our ages were late 30's to early 40's. One was divorced and one was having marital diffictulties and has since divorced as I only found out through a message board. I am married, very happily; have two fine sons.

 

The girls and I became first acquainted through a mutual interest in a singer and did attend a concert together. We had some fun times although I wasn't as caught up in the fantasy of this singer as they were. Most of our conversations centered around this entertainer even though I tried to change topics because I wanted to get to know them, not sit and swoon over the latest happening with the singer.

 

Through an email one night to one of the friends, I gave an opinion about the singer that she disagreed with; it wasn't about herself. I let it go and said that we just have to agree to disagree but she kept sending me emails blasting me for my opinion. I did not reply because I knew that she would have to have the last word. Apparently the other friend disowned me, also, after probably reading the emails between me and the other friend. It really had nothing to do with her so I don't know why she severed my friendship.

 

The crazy thing is that this was all done through email and we could have easily called each other in order to straighten things out, but didn't. The other friend denounces me because I seem to have "moved on" from being a fan of this singer and can't understand why I'm not as infatuated with him as I once was. Which isn't true, I still love his music and am still his fan, but yes, I'm not fanatic about him in any way.

 

I understand that their life is unlike mine and this was their outlet; but I don't see why they didn't understand that my husband and boys are my life, not the singer's. Many times I couldn't meet them out due to other obligations and they'd be upset over that. My family thinks I'm better off without them and I probably am, but my question is, how do I get over losing these friends that probably weren't true to begin with? Why do I feel like the bad guy?

[midori]

It sounds to me like you were looking to establish a bond that went beyond the mutual interest in the singer; the other two weren't. It's really as simple as that.

 

You think that they should be able to appreciate that you have other priorities, even if their #1 interest is the singer. The fact that they seem to have cooled toward you suggests to me that they DO appreciate that fact, and they realize that you therefore have little in common with them. People gravitate toward those who validate their perspective, and have little patience for those who do not.

 

To me the only puzzle in what you've described is why do you care? They're wrapped up in something that you're not ... so why do you value their friendship so much?

[luvmyboys]

Thanks for your reply and your answer is the same one my husband gave me. I really don't know the answer as to why I care except that I'm a very compassionate person; a loving person; and feel as though I somehow hurt them and thus it hurts me.

 

I guess because I don't really have many friends, I wonder if there is something I do that turns people off. I have many acquaintances and a best friend in Canada whom I see several times a year so I am very thankful for that.

 

Well, thanks for your input, this board is a wonderful place to vent.

[flower]

Hi luvmyboys, i am a housewife in japan and we can be friends through email if you don't mind. i am happily married with no children. Thks for responding to my earlier query.

[floz]

Hi,

 

I think i have the answer to your questions.... TOXIC FRIENDS