She's so VAIN

[glamrock]

Here's the thing, my best friend, Aria, she gets on my nerves almost everytime I hang out with her (which is about 4x a day, we have classes together). What bothers me is that she mostly talks about herself, and when someone else has something to say, she interupts them and starts to talk about herself again.

 

The thing is, I don't mind when people talk about themselves that much, mostly because I really like to get to know people. But sometimes, it seems like Aria is talking about herself to make people think she's tough, or cool, or interesting, or really sexy. It's not a story that you think is funny or interesting. What I'm probably trying to say is that she brags alot.

 

I love Aria, but you can see how this can get annoying. Well, the other day, me, Aria and a couple of friends were joking around and talking about the roles that people have in a group of friends, and Aria pointed at each of us and gave her honest (and harsh opinion). She said that one of us was the rich one, the other was the troubled one... and blah blah and then she pointed at herself and said that she was the "Best One." I thought that was a little much. Then today, I was joking around saying that some movie star was too pretty for her husband, and then she said, "Oh... like me, except with our friends."

 

I kid you not, I'm not exaggerating or anything. What do you think? I think maybe we're feeding her ego sometimes with the way we joke around, but sometimes we're not even talking about a subject that relates to what she starts talking about. A lot of the time, she jumps in on the conversation and basically says, "OH, I'M SO GREAT." I don't get it. Am I being overly sensitive? I don't want to talk about this with other friends because I don't want to start drama with all of us.

[Tony T]

I feel very sad for Aria. People who are obsessed about themselves in the way she is have a very low self-worth and self-esteem. The only way they can survive in a world in which they consider themselves to be more lowly than fecal material is to constantly build themselves up.

 

Generally, the reason most people put others down is so they, themselves, will look better to others and feel better about themselves.

 

There is nothing you can do except listen to what she says, be amused, and just feel so very sorry for her. The problem for her is that it is a vicious cycle. She has low self esteem and labors to build herself up by bragging which in turn lowers others' opinions of her.

 

If you will look into her background or even ask her about her childhood, I'm positive you will find she was put down very often...if she's honest about it. She may have very well been abused also.

 

You will most often find that very accomplished, intelligent, self-assured, confident people with healthy self esteem almost always hate to talk about themselves. Famous actors are mostly insecure and go on talk shows to discuss their lives in order to stay secure in their fame, make sure their next movie makes money, etc.

 

The world's greatest and most productive people are very happy to do their thing in obscurity and have no need to tell the world how good they are. When you're truly great, the world has a way of finding out without you saying one single word.

 

Give Aria your love and pray that one day she believes the BS she feeds others about herself. Maybe when she truly believes it, she will stop having to tell everybody she is the BEST. If she were really the BEST, she wouldn't have to tell others....they would already know.

 

And, besides, I am the BEST and there's only room for one of us!!!

[quankanne]

sounds like someone is desperately needing people's attention, to the point where she doesn't care if she's hurting others' feelings when she tries to get it. Probably the kindest thing you can do is to ignore her.

 

if it gets to the point where she's REALLY becoming unbearable, you might want to pull her aside for a private conversation, letting her know that you enjoy her friendship, that you think she's a lovely friend, but gently remind her that when put others down to make herself shine, she's really only making herself look bad, and you hate to see that because you care about her as a friend. if she's sensitive, she'll pick up on your lead ...

[HokeyReligions]

What do you like about Aria? What are her good points? Why do you love her? Are you close enough to be honest with her?

 

It does sound like she is insecure. Try encouraging her good points, compliment those and reassure her, realistically & with examples, that she does have good qualities.

 

And talk to her about how she appears to others. She may be trying to boost her own self esteem, but doesn't know how to go about it. Tell her you are saying these things because you consider her a good friend and a valuable person and you don't want to see her get hurt, and you don't want to hear anyone talking about her in a negative way.

 

Hopefully she will be mature enough to accept that you say this out of respect and concern and will get over her embarassment quickly. I would imagine that she will be embarassed or uncomfortable when you talk to her, that's natural.

[quankanne]

eloquently put, Ms. Hokey ... though I noticed there weren't any references to withered appendages ...

 

 

[glamrock]

In all my frustration, I did forget to mention that Aria does have great qualities. I see now that she may have self esteem issues, but that is not to say that she has bad character. She's really a very nice person, and will help you out when she can. Aria is very loyal and trusting and has been there for me when others have shunned me away. Those are the big reasons why I consider her my best friend. Unfortunately, I have aquired all these friends quite recently (within the last year) because of a recent move. I know that Aria considers me her best friend, but I feel that having a frank talk with her might be too risky at this time in our friendship. Although she does bug me sometimes, I still love her. I sometimes compare our friendship to those of sisters, and maybe sometime I could confront her when the time is right.

 

Thank you all!

[Tony T]

Your post above has a lot different tone than your original post all the way on top. It sounds like you really don't have much of a problem at all and that you really care about Aria.

 

Glad we could help you resolve your feelings about her.

[sheeba]

i saw this post earlier and couldn't jump in-but...here's a thought.

 

i think you are right on the money when you say "a confrontation wouldn't be good at this stage" (to paraphrase you.) even with the nicest tone and setting people....sometimes....can't handle advice or the truth.

 

one of these days-someone-not you-will drive the message of her vanity home for her. since she is so giving and helpful-i wouldn't classify her as a narcissist-just what the others have said-someone with esteem issues. sometime somewhere-she'll get the message. you sound like you care a lot about her-so you be there to pick her up-like she has done for you-when the "truth" hits her head on.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You're friend is very conceited, loves to brag about herself, and loves attention. But you love her anyway and you realize she has good points. Nobody's perfect, and unless she's calling you stupid, or any other names that spell verbal abuse, her behavior though annoying, could probably be over looked, put up with, or....ignored. You sound like you really like her though she drives you crazy. Maybe the more she realizes that she's being ignored, in time she would lay low.

[amorsiempre]

no, ur not being too sensitive

[Kidd Seuss]

[color=darkred]I agree with Tony. The problem with your friend Aria sounds as if she feels so insignificant and thinks so little of herself, she feels the need to pump herself up in everyone's company. When I was reading your post, I was constantly reminded of the character "Angela" (I believe) in American Beauty. The girl who thought she was the world but was nothing but "a scared little girl."

 

Drew [/color]

[glamrock]

I just thought I'd update all of you that helped me with my problem with Aria (see subject: she's so VAIN). Well, since then, I think she's gotten worse, or maybe I'm just noticing it more and more everyday.

 

For example, when somebody has good news she tries to shoot them down. Like, our friend Lacy is going to move to long beach, California for school. Lacy has been looking forward to this for about a year and when she told us, Aria told Lacy that Long Beach is the sh*tiest place ever because it was pretty much the ghetto. Mind you, Aria has lived in Southern California for only one summer. And when Lacy said that she'd be living in Huntington Beach (which is a nicer neighborhood) Aria said that area was just as bad.

 

Or, when I told her how I'm applying to an art school to get my masters, Aria said that I'd probably drop out as soon as I find out how much money it's going to be.

 

It has gotten so bad that several times I have told her to f*ck off or to shut up, not only in my defense, but in others. But she doesn't seem to get the picture.

 

Sometimes I just want to tell her that just because her boyfriend is in another country (he's a marine) and she's not as fortunate as other people doesn't mean that she could try to put us down.

 

It's just annoying because not only does she brag and put people down, she's bossy, hypocritical and has no idea that her attitude is really bad sometimes. Right now, the only thing that I could think of that I like about her is that she's fun to hang out with, when no one has good news - or, ESPECIALLY when no one looks cuter than her that day.

 

Well, she's going to Guam this friday and I'm going to have a week without having to see her.

 

Thanks for letting me vent... again.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

I don't get it... Why do you continue to subject yourself to this kind of behavior if you don't like it? Instead of telling her to f*ck off or shut up when you get really pissed, why not try telling her that her behavior is inappropriate and that she is turning everyone she knows off. Tell her what you write in your posts. You cannot get much more blunt then that. If she doesn't listen, they why continue such an unfufilling and emotionally draining "friendship"? I just don't see the point...

 

[/color]

[glamrock]

Leikela,

I read your post and I guess I could only tell you that doing what you want me to do is probably not so easy. I've never told someone I wasn't fond of so bluntly exactly how I felt about them. Besides, school is almost over and hopefully once summer starts, I could easily wean hear out of my life... FOREVER.

 

Thanks for reading my post.

[Just A Girl2]

Let's face it, she's not going to change. Either live with it, or do something about it. If I were in your shoes, the next time she pulls this arrogant/snotty crap, I'd just flat out tell her (with other people around) that she's a real b*tch and that you and many others are tired of her berating everyone and everything, and that you've had enough of listening to her rudeness..then walk away and have no further contact with her. It likely won't change her, but at least you're being true to yourself and getting off your chest to her, how you feel..and how others likely feel. Let's face it, she's a catty, jealous b*tch who will likely go through life being this way. Telling her to f-off or shut up likely doesn't fizz her because she has no idea WHY you're getting owly ....so tell her, then leave it at that and have nothing more to do with her. I would never want to waste 5 seconds of my life being around someone who thrived so much on p!ssing on everyone's parade.

[Ladybug313]

Wow, glamrock, you should get this "friend" and this girl I used to know together and we'd have twins right there!

There are people like that. People who can only be friends with those who think they are better than, and it doesn't matter what country they are from or what language they speak. They act exactly the same. And they cannot stand to see others happy. I feel sorry for those kind of people, but I have also noticed they don't really maintain their friendships either. I wonder why huh? (sarcasm)

What I would do is just distance myself from her, and trust me life will be so much happier after that. And yes, "wean her out of your life. FOREVER." You can confront her and tell her exactly how you feel, but I find people like her will never "get" it, and so it's not even worth the effort. She'll probably just turn it right back on you and think you are "jealous, unreasonable, out of control", whatever.

I remember telling the girl I knew how happy I was that I finally got a summer job last year, and she goes: "well it may be hard, really hard on you, it doesn't seem like your type of thing and the workers may hate you anyway. So you probably won't be able to handle it." (I had a great time actually, thank you very much!)

You don't need losers like this person. Really you don't.

And it's not about being vain. It's about having a serious insecurity complex and you don't need to deal with that.

Take care~