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social friends versus phone/email friends


writergal

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I've known this friend for 2 years now and in that time I've only seen her in person maybe 4 or 5 times. Eventually, I stopped inviting her to get together because she either cancels at the last minute, or says she's busy. But yet she's always calling, texting or emailing me to tell me what her social plans are...and she never invites me!

 

So why have I been friends with someone who treats me this way for 2 years? I stopped making any effort to contact her and now I just screen her phone calls, emails or texts. We have mutual friends too. I've asked her closest (and mutual) friend about her behavior, and he tells me she treats him the same exact way. But claims they are really close.

 

My definition of friendship is someone who actually wants to spend time with you in person.

 

Maybe she doesn't categorize me in her social group of friends she actually hangs out in person with. So if that is the case, why call me and tell me her social plans, as though to rub it in my face?

 

She's known as a gossip in our mutual circle so that was another reason I stopped contacting her b/c she likes to call me up to gossip about other people. And I refuse to participate. Plus, any personal information I ever share with her, gets circulated as gossip amongst our circle, and I always hear about it third-hand from someone else.

 

So why post about her today? She called me 3 days ago but I didn't answer her call and let it go to voicemail. Then she texted me today 2x, asking me if everything was ok, then telling me she is concerned about me since she hasn't heard from me in a long time.

 

I thought ignoring her would send her the message that I don't want her in my life. The risk I take sending her an email, is that she will circulate it around and gossip about me. And because she is a strong personality who is really opinionated and argumentative, a phone call from me to her is out of the question because she will most likely just argue with me and put all the blame on me if I confront her about the way she's been so superficial to me - calling me all the time to waste time in between her social get togethers with other people, or canceling on plans I initiate to get together with her because she never invites me anywhere, yet she hangs out with our mutual friends (who also hang out with me), and if I'm invited with a mutual friend who invites her, she cancels at the last minute.

 

I have literally NO idea why she does this. She hasn't told anyone in our circle of friends anything to indicate she doesn't like me, and she hasn't said anything to me.

 

Why do people keep friends just for the sake of talking to them on the phone, if they have no intention of ever getting together with them in person? That's not real friendship to me. I don't want to respond to her text, and I don't plan to mention her attempts to contact me to our mutual friends anymore because frankly, my life is full without her in it. I'm happy without having to deal with her weird way of rejecting my social invitations to get together. I don't need anymore aquaintances or phone friends.

 

Anyone have a similiar experience? What did you do to change/resolve your situation with your superifical/shallow phone/email/texter friend?

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For me, I find it easier sometimes to communicate with friends through email because I put a lot more effort in writing than I actually do in person, and most of the emails I received in turn are the same in respect. The difference is that most of the people I communicate with through electronic means are people I've never met before and has no desire to actually meet in person. Does this make me a bad person? Not really since I still consider my online penpal friends.

 

I may not personally know your friend but her behaviour tells me that while she likes being friendly and loves communication, she's not reliable in the least when asked to go out. There are a lot of people like her, and most people in response are either fed up ( like you) or just learn to live it. I don't think that she actually does it on purpose so much as it's just a habit of hers.

 

If you don't want to be friends with her ( because of her behaviour) then you have to frank on your stance and let her know why you're avoiding her. At least get your feelings out in the open even if it means risking yourself to be gossiped about later on in the future. If not, you will create more animosity.

 

If you do value her friendship ( and it sounds like you do because you make it a point to get her to go out with you) then call her on her actions and discuss how you feel about it and see either of you can work things out. However, if she's not willing to either compromise or make an effort than you know a friend like her isn't probably worth having or at the very least not worth making plans with.

 

Personally I would not go to such extremes because with close friends it's easier to forgive them for their behaviour. But if you feel like they're disrespecting you, then that's a different story altogether.

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How will I create more animosity by not telling this woman I don't want to be friends any longer with her because of how she treats me? I view her as a weak social link who happens to be connected to mutual friends whom I have stronger connections with, who treat me much better. My fear is that by cutting my social ties with her, she will try to ruin my friendships with our mutual friends via her ability to spread gossip faster than a speeding bullet.

 

I find this woman to be very toxic to me. She just calls me to waste time, she rejects my social invitations to get together, and she never invites me to get together.

 

I don't need any more pen pals. I am the type of person who prefers friendships with people who actually want to spend time with me in person, versus just via email or phone conversations. I don't need any more acquaintances, believe me. I have plenty already.

 

I agree with your suggestion to discuss things with her and call her out on her behavior. The problem is, when I've tried to do this in the past with her over the phone (because she never wants to meet in person), she becomes verbally aggressive because she is a very strong personality. She is very opinionated is the Mike Tyson of verbal pugilism. She will verbally beat a person down with sarcastic, cutting insults given the chance. And frankly, I can't take it anymore from her.

 

For example, I was driving back from my 4 hour night class last spring when she called me just to chat (i.e. gossip about someone in our group to me, and dig to see if I had anything gossip worthy to share which I never did, knowing better). Well, I was in a bad mood when she called and really tired since I hadn't eaten much that entire day, and I told her all of this. She asked me if I'd heard from my ex-bf (and when she asked me this, I sensed she was looking to start an argument, b/c she knows how sensitive I am about that subject but lacks respect for me), and I told her, "I dont want to talk about that right now. I'm really crabby and really tired and I just finished class." Of course she accused me of raising my voice at her and yelling at her, and the more I tried to placate, the more aggressive she became, actually being the one to yell at me for not talking to her about my ex-bf. She literally tried to start an argument with me at this point in our brief conversation that night. Basically, I told her that I had to go, b/c I was really tired and couldn't deal with her right then." So she sniped "good bye then!" at me and hung up the phone.

 

I realize it is probably taking an extreme measure to not accept my so-called friend for her aggressive phone etiquette (although she is like this in person and actually shuns/ignores me when we've been out in public together) and seemingly lack of interest in being friends with me.

 

But where do you draw the line with friends and acquaintances if you perceive them to be disrespectful towards you? Am I supposed to do absolutely nothing and just let her fade into the background? If I do that, how is that empowering me. And if i confront her about her bad behavior, how does that help me if I know she will just counter attack back atme with either the silent treatment or slinging insults at me, or worse, gossip about me to our mutual friends and try to ruin my reputation.

 

I'm not a very self confident person when I talk to her on the phone b/c she has such a strong personality and can be so opinionated and argumentative and aggressive. My communication style is more passive, to avoid conflict. I don't like to yell or bring up conflict even to those friends of mine of whom I trust way more than this woman, with my feelings.

 

I made the mistake of sending her an email a couple of days ago, telling her that I had received her latest text messages but that I have been avoiding her phone calls. I explained in the email that I know her to be argumentative and opinionated, and I would have called her to discuss the issues I have with her, but I didn't trust her to just listen. Then I closed my email by telling her I'd follow up with a second email, to let her know what's bothering me. This is immature of me I know. And I really don't want to even send the second email. I would rather just avoid sending her anything more, and not waste another second thinking about this woman. I know I'm avoiding responsibility by doing that. I just don't consider her a close friend for the horrible way she treats me.

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Sometimes inaction is the best action.

 

Don't send her the second email if you do not want to because you seem to have lost all respect for her to even give her the common courtesy of your time.

 

If she decides to start involving the rest of your friends in this, you're entitled to defend your decision and your action on why you discontinued this toxic friendship.

 

You cannot force yourself to like people who treats you in ways you consider disrespectful and when push comes to shove, you will have to cut all ties. It doesn't matter if you share friends in the same social circle, because this is ultimately a problem between you and her, and not the rest of your friends.

 

I was being a little too passive in my previous reply because I do not believe friends should have to go to extremes unless the situation calls for it.

 

If in the near future your " friend" decides to come around and change her ways, then you can try to be friends with her.

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I wouldn`t worry too much about whether or not this woman will spread malicious gossip about you to your mutual friends.

 

If she wants to, there`s nothing you can do to stop it. If it comes back to you second or third hand, I would respond by saying, "Well, consider the source................"

 

If these mutual friends are close to you, and know you well, they won`t put stock in anything defamatory she has to say. It will just make her look bad, especially if you don`t engage the gossip. Actually, there`s a good chance that they`ve already "got her number".

 

Sounds to me like she`s a bit of a bully.I found a helpful website for dealing with verbal confrontation.......it may help you.I`m a lot like you when it comes to wanting to avoid confrontation, but there are times it`s unavoidable.

 

here`s the site: www.kickbully.com

 

This may help you raise your confidence level. Even if you remove this woman from your sphere, I think the info will come in handy again.

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She is definitely a bit of a bully. And I'm too passive and lack the confidence required to stand up to her.

 

And I agree. Sometimes inaction is the best action. But that's where I always second guess myself and sometimes make a mistake.

 

Tonight, I went to my bi-weekly Buddhist group meeting and one of the topics of discussion was about attachment to outcome (good timing, eh?).

 

And, I felt inspired to actually take action and send her that 2nd email I mentioned I would follow up with her about. And this was a difficult decision because I agree that good friends should not have to go to the extremes (sending her an email rather than just accept that this is how she will always treat me, if I do nothing to change it). And, I agree that she is a bit of a bully and my passivity to avoid conflict is my achilles heel.

 

So, I felt inspired to write to my friend after my 2 hour Buddhist meeting ended tonight. I kept the email short, used neutral language, a lot of "I's" to keep the focus on me and not directly attack her for her behavior. The message of my email: "I feel taken for granted in this friendship and wanted to let you know the reasons why I feel this way." Then I brought up all the times I made an effort to invite her out, the times she backed out at the last minute and how that made me feel, and I validated the friendship, emphasizing the good things about it (a struggle, but I did it) and also why I chose email vs. a phone conversation.

 

In the Buddhist perspective, I am going to avoid to the best of my ability of being attached to the outcome I desire: that she apologizes, validates my feelings and explains her actions to clarify rather than attack me for trying to establish better boundaries. I did not tell anyone in our circle of friends about the emails and have tried to make social plans with mutual friends that don't include her for the time being.

 

Whatever happens, at least I was being true to myself, respectful towards her in my email as that was my only objective. I've said my peace to her and am detached from the outcome.

 

But that link about bullies you provided freestyle was extremely helpful to me, esp. when I needed assertive language for my email to her.

 

Thanks freestyle and xpaperxcutx for your responses. I really appreciate your help!

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Hey Writergal:

 

It sounds to me like you did everything right.I`m glad my input was helpful to you. I`ve had recent experience dealing with a bully and it can be very trying...........................

 

There`s also a series on YouTube, "How to Deal With Difficult People" that I would recommend.You can watch hypothetical interactions between differing personality types.........very informative.

 

Well as I am not a Buddhist, I am curious to know the outcome of your situation.....:).....attached, no, curious, yes.....:)

 

My prediction is that she`ll probably stew and simmer for awhile before you hear a response.Maybe you got through to her who knows?

 

Please let us know how things turn out.............Freestyle

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Freestyle:

 

Well, Buddhist or not, I "expect" the outcome to be typical for her which means I won't hear anything back from her, period because I'm not a key player in her social sphere (don't know if I ever was). Oh, she'll be busy behind the scenes as it were, gossiping as that's what she does. Let the shunning begin (!), is my prediction of how she'll react to my 2nd email.

 

She's really self absorbed so its highly unlikely she'll understand where I'm coming from. Luckily, I have other friends and acquaintances who like me for who I am despite my flaws, which will help to buffer the outcome of this situation -- whatever that outcome may be. The best way to describe my personality would be "Bridget Jones." My ex-bf definitely had some of the traits like the character Daniel Cleaver, and of course I'm still in search of finding a man like Mark Darcy. But I digress...

 

My friend won't respond. She's a self absorbed bully. She'll shun me and I'll lose a few mutual friends as a result. But that's life. I shouldn't be afraid to tell a friend what's on my mind, and I am with this friend. So that was a sign for me that I needed to re-evaluate why I stay friends with this woman who never wants to get together and who always bullies me when we talk on the phone. So I got myself into this mess by not having better boundaries when we first became friends, and by not standing up for myself early on when she first started bullying me. Now I know what to do if I run across another person like her. Conflict is a good teacher. It's shown me that my passive responses to conflict is not a healthy way to cope AT ALL. Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away, esp. when it comes to small slights to larger problems in friendships. So I know what I need to work on about myself and that's what I'll take away from this situation with my so-called friend.

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It seems like you`re coming away from this with a positive attitude-that`s awesome.And I`m imagining you`re standing just a little bit taller.....feels great, doesn`t it?

 

In a roundabout way this situation was helpful to you-you`ll find it easier to discern between the fair weather friends and the true blues, once all the pieces have landed...........................

 

........sometimes our enemies are our greatest teachers............

 

 

I wish you well~Freestyle

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Thanks Freestyle.

 

You're right. In a roundabout way this situation really helped me learn more about discerning between 'fair' 'foul' and 'true blue' friendships. It is difficult sometimes to determine which category people fit into, until all the pieces have landed (i.e. situations arise that show our true colors to each other).

 

I do feel better about myself for the lesson I'll take away from this. And yes, I definitely think our enemies are the greatest teachers for us. How else will we learn? Conflict is a great teacher. Always has been. It's up to us to take away the lesson it presents and make the changes necessary to avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Still doesn't mean I'm not hurt by her behavior, or feeling regret for not standing up for myself. I do feel hurt and I do feel regret. But I acknowledge my part in this whole mess - not speaking up for myself out of fear, then sending her the emails knowing that she will ignore me in the end, disregarding my feelings b/c she is a fair weather friend, which I knew on a basic level, but had hoped there was more there to develop the friendship. But, I tried and she's just another shallow acquaintance that isn't interested in becoming good friends with me. That's fine. We're too different anyway.

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Hey hey,

 

Life is far too short to be frittered away on shallow relationships. And who wants to hang around with a malicious gossip, anyways...........

 

.....oh, by the way, didya hear the latest about so-and- so?????:laugh::lmao::laugh:

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I've known this friend for 2 years now and in that time I've only seen her in person maybe 4 or 5 times. Eventually, I stopped inviting her to get together because she either cancels at the last minute, or says she's busy. But yet she's always calling, texting or emailing me to tell me what her social plans are...and she never invites me!

 

So why have I been friends with someone who treats me this way for 2 years? I stopped making any effort to contact her and now I just screen her phone calls, emails or texts. We have mutual friends too. I've asked her closest (and mutual) friend about her behavior, and he tells me she treats him the same exact way. But claims they are really close.

 

My definition of friendship is someone who actually wants to spend time with you in person.

 

Maybe she doesn't categorize me in her social group of friends she actually hangs out in person with. So if that is the case, why call me and tell me her social plans, as though to rub it in my face?

 

She's known as a gossip in our mutual circle so that was another reason I stopped contacting her b/c she likes to call me up to gossip about other people. And I refuse to participate. Plus, any personal information I ever share with her, gets circulated as gossip amongst our circle, and I always hear about it third-hand from someone else.

 

So why post about her today? She called me 3 days ago but I didn't answer her call and let it go to voicemail. Then she texted me today 2x, asking me if everything was ok, then telling me she is concerned about me since she hasn't heard from me in a long time.

 

I thought ignoring her would send her the message that I don't want her in my life. The risk I take sending her an email, is that she will circulate it around and gossip about me. And because she is a strong personality who is really opinionated and argumentative, a phone call from me to her is out of the question because she will most likely just argue with me and put all the blame on me if I confront her about the way she's been so superficial to me - calling me all the time to waste time in between her social get togethers with other people, or canceling on plans I initiate to get together with her because she never invites me anywhere, yet she hangs out with our mutual friends (who also hang out with me), and if I'm invited with a mutual friend who invites her, she cancels at the last minute.

 

I have literally NO idea why she does this. She hasn't told anyone in our circle of friends anything to indicate she doesn't like me, and she hasn't said anything to me.

 

Why do people keep friends just for the sake of talking to them on the phone, if they have no intention of ever getting together with them in person? That's not real friendship to me. I don't want to respond to her text, and I don't plan to mention her attempts to contact me to our mutual friends anymore because frankly, my life is full without her in it. I'm happy without having to deal with her weird way of rejecting my social invitations to get together. I don't need anymore aquaintances or phone friends.

 

Anyone have a similiar experience? What did you do to change/resolve your situation with your superifical/shallow phone/email/texter friend?

 

 

Hi,

 

Just wanted to say this is something similar to what I been going through.. I know a couple of people that want to chat and see me during uni times.. then when it comes to the summer, they dont wanna hang out.. some of them have even ignored my fb requests, and they completely ignore my calls or texts.. so its like wats the point.. in the end i delelted them from my emails and phone..

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Hi Matt,

 

I'm sorry to hear you have the same problem with similiarly very shallow people. It's best to delete these types of people from one's life, when there are other people out there who are actually interested in developing real friendships. Don't let these people's behavior get you down about yourself because they aren't worth your time, really.

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Thanks Phateless! I feel like a weight of bricks has been lifted from my shoulders since letting her friendship go.

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Hi Matt,

 

I'm sorry to hear you have the same problem with similiarly very shallow people. It's best to delete these types of people from one's life, when there are other people out there who are actually interested in developing real friendships. Don't let these people's behavior get you down about yourself because they aren't worth your time, really.

 

Heya,

 

Thanks for replying to my wall post.. I think you are right.. its best to ignore them and to get new freinds

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