My friend runs hot and cold.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Hi there, I have a bit of a confusing situation with a friend of mine, and was wondering if anyone could offer a suggestion about what might be going on.

 

I have known this friend for about a year, and it was (naturally) a casual acquaintance for the first couple months. He is a very friendly, but very private person, but as we've known each other longer he has confided many very personal things to me. I felt we were growing closer (not in a romantic sense, more on that later.)

 

He does this hot and cold routine sometimes that leaves me confused and my feelings hurt. I asked him out (on a date) a LONG time ago, he wasn't interested, no big deal. I didn't hang onto it, just accepted it and focussed on the friendship. Things didn't seem to be weird at all.

 

Whenever we are at social events, he's right by my side, like we're the best of buddies. When he knows I'm going through a rough patch, he will call or email to offer support -- sometimes. When we meet up at our common social group, he's warm and affectionate. I thought we had become really good friends. But, other times, it's like he is avoiding me. On the other hand, if I stay away for a while, he gets worried that something's wrong and seeks me out.

 

If I ask him (verbally or through an email) if he'd like to hang out and see a film, take a walk or get coffee, he either is "busy" or just doesn't respond to that part of the message at all. Like he'll reply with a long message mentioning everything I said EXCEPT for the offer of a friendly meeting. At first I thought perhaps he was nervous because I asked him out (that was a LONG time ago, btw) so I asked him if he was worried about that and he said no, he assumed I accepted it (which I did.)

 

Now, if I ask him to join me and a few other friends for a dinner or something, he's excited about it and is there. However, if it's just me, then he can't seem to find the time or ignores the invite. But, he'll go through periods of calling me or emailing me often, or spending lots of one-on-one time with me when we're in a social setting.

 

It's like he gets really close, really affectionate and physical (back rubbing, hand touching, etc) sometimes, then others I feel like he wants to get away from me as quickly as possible. I finally had to ask mutual friends about this -- apparently he doesn't go out much BUT he does with his friends, and that he always answers their invitations (with yes or no) and returns calls and emails.

 

It's like sometimes he likes me, sometimes I feel like he just sees me as a casual friend. But...then there's all the personal information he's shared.

 

I don't get it...what's wrong with this guy? What's with the hot and cold? This person is a wonderful soul, and I'd like to build the friendship.

 

(PS: I never make any romantic overtures towards him, I don't feel that way anymore, so I don't think I'm doing anything that might make him think I'm interested.)

[forever_waiting]

this sounds exactly like what i'm going through with a male friend at the moment, practically word for word! unfortunately i'm just as confused about it as you are it really doesn't seem to make much sense at all. the only thing i could put it down to is that my friend is a very.. how to say, curious person.. he likes to try and figure you out, how your head works, he's very psychological. sometimes i think he's almost trying to test me to figure something out about me in his head, although i'm not entirely sure what. we're really good friends when we're in normal social situations because we genuinely enjoy each other's company, but he's told me before that i'm a very difficult person to 'solve'. it's almost like something about me when we're alone together scares him because he can't figure it out in his head =/

i hope this makes sense lol, this is just my own experience but it rang a bell so i thought i'd mention it here.

 

good luck with your friend, i hope you can figure this out. sometimes people can be a fascinating mystery =)

[forever_waiting]

this sounds exactly like what i'm going through with a male friend at the moment, practically word for word! unfortunately i'm just as confused about it as you are it really doesn't seem to make much sense at all. the only thing i could put it down to is that my friend is a very.. how to say, curious person.. he likes to try and figure you out, how your head works, he's very psychological. sometimes i think he's almost trying to test me to figure something out about me in his head, although i'm not entirely sure what. we're really good friends when we're in normal social situations because we genuinely enjoy each other's company, but he's told me before that i'm a very difficult person to 'solve'. it's almost like something about me when we're alone together scares him because he can't figure it out in his head =/

i hope this makes sense lol, this is just my own experience but it rang a bell so i thought i'd mention it here.

 

good luck with your friend, i hope you can figure this out. sometimes people can be a fascinating mystery =)