aggressive tantrums- think my friend needs counselling??

[forever_waiting]

i'm starting to get really concerned about my best friend. we've known each other for almost 5 years (i'm 21 and she's 20.) i undeniably love her - our relationship is on a completely different level to any of our other friends and i feel more comfortable around her than anyone. she knows me better than my own family and vice versa.

her one big problem though is that she has a tendency to get very stubborn and aggressive. growing up with 5 older brothers she's really rough-and-tumble and has been known to use physical force a lot. now as much as i love her, i have to say that because of her up-bringing, when it comes to certain things she can be a spoiled rotten brat. being as close as we are we get into a lot of silly arguments but they can turn into full-on childish tantrums. if i don't see her way she resorts to hitting and shouting- i came to just brush this off as playful banter and try to divert away from exacerbating any violence by hitting back, much as i sometimes felt like it. but over the past few months it seems to have gotten really a lot worse. she'll start up arguments in public and refuse to let it go until i give in- if i tell her to be quiet in a bookstore she'll just shout. if i get annoyed because she steps on my foot she'll do it even harder until i accept it was an accident. she seems to act like a sulky 5-year old all the time.

 

recently we were out in town and she seemed to be in a particularly bad mood. she was a lot more aggressive than usual, snapping at the tiniest things, picking arguments from nowhere and shouting in the middle of the street when i told her to calm down. i just tried to ignore it as much as possible but she'd grab my jacket or punch me in the arms when i didn't listen to her. at one point she went into an expensive lingerie store and i kept quiet while she looked round because i didn't want to set her off again. she found a really nice set, saying she wanted it and if i thought she should get it. i said i thought she'd already just bought a load of new underwear the other day- she suddenly exploded at me, saying 'you always tell me not to buy stuff, you're like my ****ing mother! i never buy new bras! well you know what, it's my money so i'm going to spend it on what i want!!' i told her that was perfectly fine, i never said she couldn't buy it. i turned to walk away as i was starting to get angry at her and she stamped her foot and shouted 'NO!!' at the top of her voice, making all the people in the shop stare. then she stamped up behind me, grabbed the sides of my neck just above my shoulders in a kind of lobster pinch, and squeezed hard to get me to listen to her as she shouted 'don't just walk away from me!'

i couldn't believe how she was acting, right in the middle of the shop with all these people, and she was throwing a tantrum like a kid with ADHD- i kept telling her to calm down but she got even more worked up and eventually i just turned round and left the shop.

after that we stayed apart for a couple of weeks to let things cool off, and when i saw her again i told her that her behaviour had really scared me. i wasn't so much annoyed about it, because i knew she'd always had issues with anger and would never try to really hurt me- she'd told me before she went to management classes at school. we talked about it for a while and i suggested she should maybe see a counsellor. she said she's thought about it but i'm really concerned she's got quite a big problem with this.

 

i don't have any concerns telling her what i think about all this because we're both completely open with each other, but i just want to know what other people make of it. do you think my friend should have counselling? i just don't know what to do!

[Ronni_W]

I am wondering why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way? That is, why are YOU not a higher priority in your own life? Honestly, I'd say that most likely you can also benefit from counseling, to get to the bottom of that.

 

Because, it is one thing to want to "keep the peace" and "not rock any boats", and quite another to willingly subject yourself to the abusive/violent moods and actions of others, no matter that you do love them -- there is also the part about loving your Self, yes?

 

Obviously she has developed a toxic personality (the root causes don't matter) and can benefit from counseling. But you are actively participating in, and contributing to, a toxic relationship! Allowing her to just carry on in that manner and mistreat you without any serious consequences does NOT help her in any way, and is codependent/dysfunctional.

 

Your first responsibility ought to be your own mental, emotional and physical safety and well-being. That is not an unloving, unkind or a "selfish" perspective...it is self-loving and wise.

 

Take care of you! Hugs, and good luck.

[forever_waiting]

hi Ronni_W, thanks for your reply.

 

i don't think i'm 'allowing' or 'willingly subjecting' myself to be treated this way, her behaviour just comes out of the blue and it's something i can't control. if i could help her stop doing it myself i would but i see no way to do that other than talking to her about it.

i do agree that i tend to lie down in the face of confrontation though, you're right that that attitude only makes it worse. i think it will help both of us to sort out our own problems first, thankyou =)

[2sure]

Its hard when people we love have issues or problems. We can be encouraging, understanding, supportive , even try to help them solve their problems. Of course, thats what friends are for.

 

The hard part is when their problems go unresolved and rather than improve..actually start to become your problem as well.

 

A tough thing for all of us to learn. Drawing the line , creating that boundary and even walking away ...is sometimes the hardest but best thing to do.

[Flyleaf7889]

She sounds like a horrible person to be around, and until her behavior improves, I would stay clear of her. She has no right to be like that to you, because you're just trying to be her friend. I say green light on counseling!

 

Good luck to both you and your friend!

[caduceus]

Your friend is abusing you. Verbally, Physically and Emotionally.

She is abusive, plain and simple. End it.

Does she treat your other mutual friends this harshly? I'll bet not. It's because your bond is so deep that she does this to you, and you are allowing it.

Again, end it.

[carhill]

OP, it's also possible she has a physical cause for her behaviors. If she hasn't had a physical recently, yup, be a biotchy 'mom' and suggest it.

 

I know for a fact that a thyroid out of whack can cause aggression and mood swings. That's just one possibility of many.

 

IMO, the best way to deal with this is, in the future, when outbursts occur, simply calmly say 'that behavior is unacceptable to me' and walk away. She'll then be yelling at dead air. Impotent.

 

It sucks, I know

[forever_waiting]

thanks to all of you for your replies, i really appreciate it =)

 

i definitely don't want to just end the friendship then and there- there are so many good things about it and she's only horrible to be around when this happens. i know it's causing her more problems than anyone else (and she does do this to other people aswell, not just me- i simply spend a lot more time around her) so i really want to help her, for her own benefit and to prevent it ever getting to the stage where i really have to end it.

 

it did cross my mind that it may be a physical problem such as a thyroid disorder, but it will probably be difficult to convince her of something like that but you're right, i'm going to have to be harsh with her so she learns she can't just treat people like that and get away with it.

 

it really does suck!!