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Think my best friend is making a HUGE mistake....


RedDevil66

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and I'm finding it tough to support her.

 

This friend lacks common sense when it comes to life decisions, and most of the time I would just keep quiet, but this time she actually made one of THE worst decisions of her life.

 

This time I want to tell her she is making a huge mistake, but she will either get mad at me or won't even bother listening. In either case, she is going through with this.

 

How does one support a friend who just keeps making bad choices?

Her and I have been best friends for close to 30 yrs.

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If she hasn't asked what you think, then it's best to just not say anything since you said she won't listen anyway or will just get mad.

 

If she asks, then you say this isn't something I can support.

 

If you thought it would do any good and would prevent her from making the mistake, then you should say something to her.

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As tempting as it is to tell someone what you so clearly can see is a terrible decision, since your friend is in denial about what she's doing, she will hit back at you with a defense mechanism to protect her choice and to keep herself blinded to what you so clearly see.

 

So, if someone does not ask you for your advice, you cannot really give it and expect a receptive ear -- Especially since your friend willingly chose something bad for herself (and she appears to have a track record for doing this...). If you force your take on her, it will end up badly for you -- in that she will fight you tooth and nail.

 

So what did she do?

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Hi and thanks for the input. You're both right, I just need to not say a word since she never asked for my opinion.

I am SO tempted to just come out and say it, but won't

 

What did she do? Well ok, it's a long story, but she decided to move 2 hrs away.

She had a job here she hated, but all her family is here, her friends, has a home she just bought with her boyfriend and is in MAJOR finacially debt.

I'm talking into the half million $ range!

 

She had been looking for another job in town for a while, was not finding one. Then she applies out of town to get a governemnt job and again, was refused. Then she got a call and they offered her a job. I think she was feeling so rejected from not getting offers, that when she was offered this, she just took it

 

This job doesn't pay much more than the one she has now and it will cost her $2000 more a month to live in this new city during the week and come back here on weekends.

That is her plan, to live there during the week, come back here on weekends.

Her boyfriend is staying here in their home, but they will both travel back and forth by car or train each weekend. Which will cost about $150 each time.

So basically, this job puts her in debt, but she feels because it's a government job, she's secure.

 

She has an intense fear of being alone and of driving. So was stunned when she said she was moving away and will be alone all week and will drive the 2 yrs each way alone. Didn't make sense to me. I mean kudos for facing those fears, but I just didn't get it.

When he boyfriend goes out at night, she calls me to stay on the phone with her b/c she's scared.

 

Her boyfriend has a great job here and since she wears the pants in the house and since he's a doormat, she told me if she's happy at this new place, she will ask him to leave his job and they will live there full time.

His job pays double the pay she's going to make.

 

Everything is just so LACKING in common sense, I just don't get it.

 

She told me she is so bored with life she needs some excitement and this is why she's doing this. ??????????????

 

She's also cheated on her boyfiend over 10 times (10 different guys) and been with her boyfriend for 18 yrs.

One week she makes wedding plans to marry her BF, the next, she tells me once she moves, she may meet someone and leave him.

 

I've watched her make a mess of her life so many times, but this is a big one.

She was dyiing from cancer 11 yrs ago but turned it around, got well and went back to school to get her PHD. Probably the ONLY real, common sense thing she's ever done, but now, she's back to her old ways.

 

I also have to say, there has been a few times on the 30 yrs where I actually walked away from this friendship because of some REALLY stupid things she's done. It actually became toxic.

She has been there for me for my downfalls, but mine were not self inflicted.

She is a good friend, but man, just lacking so much common sense.

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whichwayisup

Chances are there's someone "waiting" for her where she's moving to and she won't be that alone.

 

Don't say anything to her unless she says something to you. Don't get sucked into her drama either, that is, if she IS cheating on her boyfriend.

 

Have to ask, is he aware that she's cheated on him so many times during their long term relationship?

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When he boyfriend goes out at night, she calls me to stay on the phone with her b/c she's scared.

 

Well, she does sound like she has a habit of making messed up choices, so no surprise here when she is doing something 'out there' financially.

 

However, for the above (in quotes) -- it's best she face her fears head on -- the best way to not be scared of being alone at night, is to be living alone... she will very quickly see that she survives the night and no harm comes to her.

 

As to the $150 expense of driving 2 hours each way? Isn't it more like just gas for the car at about half a tank for the round trip? That's if they don't go by train.

 

The good thing is that she can start looking for another job back home, and quit her job far away as soon as she finds one -- for some reason, its always easier to land a job when you are currently employed, than when you are unemployed...so... seems like she hasn't entirely burned her bridges back home... even though it seems like it's going to cost her more money, she might gain Some positive thing out of the venture, by living on her own for the first time in almost two decades and facing her fears.

 

Other than that, just continue being there if she needs you, and let her direct her own life... as above poster said, don't be sucked into her drama ('cause it sure seems like she needs it in her life and seeks it).

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Chances are there's someone "waiting" for her where she's moving to and she won't be that alone.

 

Don't say anything to her unless she says something to you. Don't get sucked into her drama either, that is, if she IS cheating on her boyfriend.

 

Have to ask, is he aware that she's cheated on him so many times during their long term relationship?

 

he has NO idea and she has no one waiting for her there. She would tell me.

She's also new to the city so no chance to meet anyone.........yet !

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Well, she does sound like she has a habit of making messed up choices, so no surprise here when she is doing something 'out there' financially.

 

However, for the above (in quotes) -- it's best she face her fears head on -- the best way to not be scared of being alone at night, is to be living alone... she will very quickly see that she survives the night and no harm comes to her.

 

As to the $150 expense of driving 2 hours each way? Isn't it more like just gas for the car at about half a tank for the round trip? That's if they don't go by train.

 

The good thing is that she can start looking for another job back home, and quit her job far away as soon as she finds one -- for some reason, its always easier to land a job when you are currently employed, than when you are unemployed...so... seems like she hasn't entirely burned her bridges back home... even though it seems like it's going to cost her more money, she might gain Some positive thing out of the venture, by living on her own for the first time in almost two decades and facing her fears.

 

Other than that, just continue being there if she needs you, and let her direct her own life... as above poster said, don't be sucked into her drama ('cause it sure seems like she needs it in her life and seeks it).

 

Yes, that would be the cost of the train.

 

The rest is great advice. You're right, this could be the change she needed to make changes.

 

I had a talk with her tonight. She told me her Mom and Sis are not happy with this. I told her I was happy for her, but feel a strange range of emotions.

I didn't come out and tell her I was against it, but did tell her I hope she feels secure with this decision and I hope it works out.

 

The convo with her went well

 

Thanks all. I am still very freaked though!

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