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Friend Dating a Racist!


Quirkalicious

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Quirkalicious

Hi again everybody...I'm not sure if I have a question or I just want to vent....

 

I posted before about my best friend and her boyfriend that I didn't really like. Anyway my friend and I recently threw a party and it turned into a big old mess. Her BF came over early to help out and this was our first time really interacting so I made sure I was on my best behavior. He was trying too, actually trying a bit too hard and not respecting my personal space but I chalked it up to him trying to make a good impression.

 

Later on, when the party was winding down, I was watching TV with my best friend, her BF, and another friend. I am Black, my other friend is half Caribbean and half West Indian, and my friend and her boyfriend are White. While we were watching TV the boyfriend started making derogatory comments about Black people, and made fun of Spanish until my best friend quietly clued him in about my other friend's Spanish heritage. I didn't say anything about the comments, I just ignored them because I didn't want to start another fight, the other friend and her boyfriend had already had a shouting match in the kitchen about his relentless teasing of her being a Redskins fan.

 

Yesterday she asked me to go see a movie with them and I declined. She asked why and I said it was because of the comments he made that night. She said she didn't remember any racist comments and I told her what they were...she brushed it off saying he says things that make people facepalm! She then accused me of being jealous and said I never liked any of her boyfriends. I rolled my eyes and walked away. We did argue over her last boyfriend, she was mad because I said he was a selfish dick, of course he proved me right by dumping her (for the second time!) after using her to pay for his bathroom renovations.

 

I feel so damn frustrated right now, and I am really thinking about taking a break from this friendship. We're very close, and she is a great friend to me, but the fact that she's OK with his racism makes me SO ANGRY.

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burning 4 revenge

Sometimes racism can be sexy, because it's evil and evil things can be kind of sexy.

 

Evil things are only sexy if the person who is evil is physically sexy to begin with however. It adds a cruel dimension to their personality which makes you want to get inside their cold, soulless bodies.

 

If the person in question who is evil is unattractive physically, however, their evil qualities only make them more repulsive.

 

I hope that helps

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bentnotbroken
Hi again everybody...I'm not sure if I have a question or I just want to vent....

 

I posted before about my best friend and her boyfriend that I didn't really like. Anyway my friend and I recently threw a party and it turned into a big old mess. Her BF came over early to help out and this was our first time really interacting so I made sure I was on my best behavior. He was trying too, actually trying a bit too hard and not respecting my personal space but I chalked it up to him trying to make a good impression.

 

Later on, when the party was winding down, I was watching TV with my best friend, her BF, and another friend. I am Black, my other friend is half Caribbean and half West Indian, and my friend and her boyfriend are White. While we were watching TV the boyfriend started making derogatory comments about Black people, and made fun of Spanish until my best friend quietly clued him in about my other friend's Spanish heritage. I didn't say anything about the comments, I just ignored them because I didn't want to start another fight, the other friend and her boyfriend had already had a shouting match in the kitchen about his relentless teasing of her being a Redskins fan.

 

Yesterday she asked me to go see a movie with them and I declined. She asked why and I said it was because of the comments he made that night. She said she didn't remember any racist comments and I told her what they were...she brushed it off saying he says things that make people facepalm! She then accused me of being jealous and said I never liked any of her boyfriends. I rolled my eyes and walked away. We did argue over her last boyfriend, she was mad because I said he was a selfish dick, of course he proved me right by dumping her (for the second time!) after using her to pay for his bathroom renovations.

 

I feel so damn frustrated right now, and I am really thinking about taking a break from this friendship. We're very close, and she is a great friend to me, but the fact that she's OK with his racism makes me SO ANGRY.

 

 

Your so called friend isn't really a friend if she would allow someone to hurt you. It doesn't matter if she considers the remarks racist or not. If they offended you then she should have addressed those concerns with you and her new butthole, I mean BF.

 

I would consider why you think her friendship is important. It is clear her judgement in men( a user and a racist:() is more than a little questionable. If she is willing to do anything to please a man, including letting her good friend be hurt by racist remarks, then maybe you should consider what your are actually getting from this friendship.

 

 

And as far as the poster who said racism is sexy, I guess she nor her children have ever been on the receiving end. Or she hasn't had to rock a child to sleep after a racist incident.

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Your so called friend isn't really a friend if she would allow someone to hurt you. It doesn't matter if she considers the remarks racist or not. If they offended you then she should have addressed those concerns with you and her new butthole, I mean BF.

 

I would consider why you think her friendship is important. It is clear her judgement in men( a user and a racist:() is more than a little questionable. If she is willing to do anything to please a man, including letting her good friend be hurt by racist remarks, then maybe you should consider what your are actually getting from this friendship.

.

 

 

Couldn't agree more. I would try to bring it up to said 'friend' maybe one more time, and if she remains resolutely blind to his offensiveness of character, take a big step back. You can watch their relationship spiral into the garbage from afar, and figure out whether you want to take the high road when she comes to you for solace and forgiveness. In the meantime, cultivate other, perhaps better, friendships.

 

Also, prev. commenter, burning4revenge? Skips all over these boards smart-assing and trolling everyone. Sometimes, b4r really brings the funny...other times, not so much.

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Island Girl
If she is willing to do anything to please a man, including letting her good friend be hurt by racist remarks, then maybe you should consider what your are actually getting from this friendship.

 

I second this.

 

I really have no tolerance at all for racism and slurs. Anyone who uses them for shock value is a moron.

 

And I would not tolerate them myself let alone expect one of my friends to sit back and turn a blind eye/deaf ear to being talked about in such a manner.

 

This guy is a jackass. And if she is willing to just let all this happen I'd be taking a big step back until she gets a clue or the relationship implodes.

 

She owes you one hell of an apology.

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burning 4 revenge

Also, prev. commenter, burning4revenge? Skips all over these boards smart-assing and trolling everyone. Sometimes, b4r really brings the funny...other times, not so much.

I don't know about funny or not, but people are attracted to evil qualities in other people, because they are mysterious...but only if they find those people physically attractive...its part of the human condition
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Sometimes racism can be sexy, because it's evil and evil things can be kind of sexy.

 

Evil things are only sexy if the person who is evil is physically sexy to begin with however. It adds a cruel dimension to their personality which makes you want to get inside their cold, soulless bodies.

 

If the person in question who is evil is unattractive physically, however, their evil qualities only make them more repulsive.

 

I hope that helps

 

 

:confused:

Well........ this may be true for you,

from my point of view there's nothing sexy in stupidity!

Someone very attractive and sexy loose all is charme when I realize is a complete idiot.

I hardly believe that someone can be attracted by such behaviour unless they are similar people or people with little personality/weak-confused.

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burning 4 revenge

BTW Im spanish and I know some of the other posters on this thread are black. Ill go out on a limb and risk a demerit and say I think many black people are way to sensitive about racial issues (and its my b-day so you cant be mean to me)

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I see this persons comments as a test. He wants to know how far he can push things with your friend. He now knows that he can easily seperate her from her friends.

 

Who knows what will come next? I think he is a predator who comfortably has his feet under the table. Your friend is easy, too easy. The perfect victim. Soon she wont have anyone watching her back and it probably will serve her right.

 

Harsh but true.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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Quirkalicious
I see this persons comments as a test. He wants to know how far he can push things with your friend. He now knows that he can easily seperate her from her friends.

 

Who knows what will come next? I think he is a predator who comfortably has his feet under the table. Your friend is easy, too easy. The perfect victim. Soon she wont have anyone watching her back and it probably will serve her right.

 

Harsh but true.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I swear that there is something going on with him and I never trusted him from the get-go. It's why I'm keeping an eye on the situation. She is a very trusting, open, honest and friendly person so I try to look out for her. If this dude thinks he can come up and blindside her, he's got another thing coming because I know the tricks.

 

Things are much better around here today. This morning she apologized for yelling and excusing the racism and said she knew I had her best interests in mind. I told her I appreciated the apology, then we hung out for a while. She still wants me to come and hang out with both of them though. I am considering what to say to that, I mean, if the dude busts out with more racist comments there might be some violence involved.

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BTW Im spanish and I know some of the other posters on this thread are black. Ill go out on a limb and risk a demerit and say I think many black people are way to sensitive about racial issues (and its my b-day so you cant be mean to me)

happy birthday perro pequeño!!

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What exactly did the bf say? Usually black people can't tell the difference between whites who are racist and whites who are just *******s. Me, I'm an *******. Although I do get called a racist on occasion mostly because of my indiffence to so called black suffrage.

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Island Girl
What exactly did the bf say? Usually black people can't tell the difference between whites who are racist and whites who are just *******s. Me, I'm an *******. Although I do get called a racist on occasion mostly because of my indiffence to so called black suffrage.

 

You get called a racist because...walks like a duck, talks like a duck...WOW it's a duck!

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Trialbyfire

I see this as two problems, which you and your friend are mixing up into one big ball of hurt.

 

You have every right not to want to interact with him, if his behaviour is offensive to you. Your friend should understand this, as long as you've made it known to her that the two of you can get together another time. You don't owe her approval of her b/fs.

 

Also, these awkward little triangles between best friends and b/f or g/f, make no sense. For some reason, things always blow up. BTDT, as a teenager.

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bentnotbroken
BTW Im spanish and I know some of the other posters on this thread are black. Ill go out on a limb and risk a demerit and say I think many black people are way to sensitive about racial issues (and its my b-day so you cant be mean to me)

 

 

When you have held your child and dried tears for being called a monkey, coon or whatever the favorite word of the week is, then you can tell me about my sensitivity. When your son has been spread eagle on his own front lawn because he couldn't possibly live in that house, even though he has a driver's license that has his name, picture and the address of the house on them then you get to decide how sensitive I should be. :mad:

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burning 4 revenge

If those things are from your personal life then I'm sorry they happened to you, but it's just an observation I have that theres way too much sensitivity when it comes to blacks and racial issues and that in turn has the reverse effect of maximizing the power of racism

 

You see white ethnic groups ripping on each other all the time in good fun and thats why those stereotypes have no power anymore, because no one cares

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This is EXACTLY how I feel about it. I swear that there is something going on with him and I never trusted him from the get-go. It's why I'm keeping an eye on the situation. She is a very trusting, open, honest and friendly person so I try to look out for her. If this dude thinks he can come up and blindside her, he's got another thing coming because I know the tricks.

 

Things are much better around here today. This morning she apologized for yelling and excusing the racism and said she knew I had her best interests in mind. I told her I appreciated the apology, then we hung out for a while. She still wants me to come and hang out with both of them though. I am considering what to say to that, I mean, if the dude busts out with more racist comments there might be some violence involved.

 

You really are good friend to keep hanging in there as such. This person is definitely shifty.. beyond the racist stuff. I think the racist stuff is just a cover. He probably hates a whole lot of other types of people as well. Lots of control freaks have various personal points of view that they push onto others you see. What matters is that your friend does recognise your concerns on some level via her apology.

 

I cant say that I would go anywhere with them. I dont think that is necessary. Then again I would tell him about himself.. couldnt resist. So it would be for the best for me to not come. Maybe I would meet up with my friend before they go out and then leave when he arrives. I have done that back in the day (before marraige, kids etc) with a friend who was going out with a complete dick. I could see him absolutely clearly but my friend couldnt. I just wanted her to know that she could call me if anything happened..

 

My friends situation didnt work out too well at all ..

 

Go with your gut instinct but really, dont put yourself in danger.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

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I'm guessing your friend must have many good qualities which is why they are your friend in the first place, right? But she, like everyone here, is only human and she makes mistakes sometimes. Especially when she's in love (because love makes us all do stupid things).

 

I would simply state to your friend that you personally find her boyfriend's comments offensive and hurtful. You don't have to say any more than that, just leave the ball in her court. If she really is your friend then she will understand. If she's not then it's up to her to walk away from you and that will be her loss.

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bentnotbroken
If those things are from your personal life then I'm sorry they happened to you, but it's just an observation I have that theres way too much sensitivity when it comes to blacks and racial issues and that in turn has the reverse effect of maximizing the power of racism

 

You see white ethnic groups ripping on each other all the time in good fun and thats why those stereotypes have no power anymore, because no one cares

 

 

Your ethnocentric view of the black community comes from someone outside of the community. You don't no diddly about the crap you are spewing. You are spewing it because it makes you feel good about some deep seeded dodo that you hold as truth about the black community. And you are right, your views are just an observation based on a whole lot of nothing. When you publish your dissertation on the subject let me know, I would like to see your facts and figures and your sample group.

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.... my other friend is half Caribbean and half West Indian

 

 

.... made fun of Spanish until my best friend quietly clued him in about my other friend's Spanish heritage.

 

Which friend was part Spanish?

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Quirkalicious
Which friend was part Spanish?

There were four of us there: me, my best friend, her bf, and another friend, T. T is half Spanish.

 

Another thing just happened a few minutes ago. My best friend arranged to go to dinner with her mom and her brother today. She invited her boyfriend to go out with them, but when her brother heard about that he called back and declined to go. I'm very curious as to why.

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I think there is a deeper issue going on here. Your friend lets men treat her like crap. One dumped her twice and used her for renovations. The other is spewing hatred and she is accepting. Which does make her a racist.

 

There was earlier mention of how some blacks were treated. I would say this : On a popular news show , 20/20 , they took 4 white guys and parked them back behind a Best Buy. A cop drove by and smiled and waved them on....

 

Then later they put 4 black guys in a car parked behind a Best Buy and quickly the cop went over and told them all to get out of the car , show ID and asked them why they were back behind the Best Buy ?

 

 

Another was a job. Both well qualified . Both females . One black , one white. Both identical in experience . ( The show made sure of that ) . They talked to the well educated black girl and told her they were still interviewing. The white girl came in 6 minutes later and was hired on the spot.

 

Car buying , same story.

 

I am white . I don't know the life of the earlier poster. I am very sorry that because of his color the child was treated like that . ( I don't know the age so I say child )

 

Do I think blacks are sensitive ? I think so. But if you were hit in the face everyday , then 2 years later you might likely flinch when you see a fist coming or the threat of one. Sensitive then ??

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There were four of us there: me, my best friend, her bf, and another friend, T. T is half Spanish.

 

I thought you said "half Caribbean and half West Indian" - does the friend have 3 halves?

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Island Girl
She invited her boyfriend to go out with them, but when her brother heard about that he called back and declined to go. I'm very curious as to why.

 

Sounds like he makes friends quickly. :eek:

 

I am white. "WASP" to be exact so there aren't many racists out there who target me in their hate speech or situations that I have experienced first hand that could be construed in any way as discriminatory.

 

That being said if I was invited along to dinner with a person such as he - I would decline the offer.

And if I was around someone who spewed such derogatory comments or slurs I'd be terribly offended and I would speak up to say so right then. (And have on numerous occasions - I don't care who it is.)

 

Silence is tolerance or even can be interpreted as agreement.

 

I'd shun him. Her brother may be doing just that.

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