Darned if I do, Darned if I don't

[writergal]

I posted on here about a friend's passive-aggressive behavior and my struggle with the decision to end my friendship with her or not.

 

Well, she sent me a rather nasty email recently, completely unprompted.

 

If I respond to it, then I'm just going to stoop to her level. If I don't respond to it, then I'm not sticking up for myself. So I feel, darned if do, darned if I don't.

 

We have a lot of mutual friends and acquaintances. I'm more concerned about losing face with those people because of this problem-friend, who is just plain toxic to me in my life. And I'd like to hear people's opinions as to whether or not I should respond to her nasty, shaming email or not. If I do respond to it, what should I say? Her email was pages and pages long. I really don't want to write an email response to that length. If I do respond, I'd rather it be short and to the point. Question is, do I address all the lies and shaming remarks that she wrote about, or do I ignore them and write a few sentence email to bring a conclusion to a wasted 5 years of friendship.

[Ronni_W]

I'd opt for something short and cryptic. "Thank you for sharing."

 

Years ago I was on the receiving end of one of those. At that time, I wrote back to the effect of, "I only read the first few paragraphs because I assumed the rest was equally hostile and toxic. It's not what I want in my life, so I'm returning your email herewith and releasing it from my space."

 

We both knew that was the end of things between us. We didn't travel in the same circles, though. I think if/when you run into her, just stay on the high road and say hello...if you guys get eye-to-eye.

 

It does crap out -- sorry you're experiencing this.

[writergal]

Hi Ronni,

 

I am really tempted to not even respond to the email, but then that would make me stoop to her level of being passive aggressive yet again.

 

I need to respond to her email but I don't think I can just keep it short and cryptic.

 

If I do address the antagonizing content of her email, I will be seen as over-reactive.

 

If I just respond with a cryptic and short message, "thanks for sharing," then I feel like a victim of her aggressive communication.

 

Long rant....

 

When do I get to stick up for myself with this woman? In the 5 years we've been friends, I've tried with no success to create healthier boundaries with her, by addressing her shortcomings and how those negatively affect me (i.e. her method of silent treatment, making antagonizing statements like "I have to show you kindness because you are such an anxious person," - which is also very shaming and belittling to say to me - and hanging up on me when I ask her to make a compromise so that we can have a healthier friendship, then telling me I'm too demanding to expect her to compromise b/c she has a husband and 3 daughters to look after). I've tried to be assertive, and create a space where I can get my emotional needs met. But it's been a challenge b/c she has labeled me as "anxious" which I feel is just her way of deflecting any guilt she has about being such a crappy friend to me.

 

I know she's ruining my reputation in our mutual circle of friends b/c people I've talked to are giving me third hand feedback of things she's saying about me, like "She's just an over-reactive, anxious person," to "she's unstable and a total flake," to "She's completely clueless." Several people have relayed these comments she's made about me. Plus, what does that say about these so-called friends who relayed this information to me? They say they don't want to get in the middle, yet they are happy to pass on my friend's mean comments, however distorted those comments have become I've no idea. Which is more reason why I need to address this with her in person and/or end the friendship with her in person. Don't you think?

 

Friendship should be a two-way street, despite the weaknesses/strengths each person brings to the friendship, because there was a commonality that brought her and I together as friends; me working with her father, having some similar interests and being in the same graduate school program). Or is that too much expectation; that friendship should always be a too way street?

 

I think the better friends you are with someone is based on the level of emotional intimacy and trust that you develop through positive, happy experiences that bond you to that person, and how well you both work through conflicting situations that affect the friendship, either large or small.

 

Plus, good friends have earned the right to call out their friends bad behavior to their friend when they do it. If you are going to be friends with someone, you are going to have to accept that they have the right to confront you. And I don't think using email is a good way to communicate that either. I think it's best done in person or over the phone WHEN it happens or shortly after it happens. But my friend will wait weeks or even months and I'll get an email from her, telling me I said or did something that really bugs her, and that she won't tell me b/c she'll know it pisses me off.

 

Plus, I feel she's being manipulative telling me that she doesn't feel comforted by me, when I was her support system for 2 years while her husband was abroad teaching and she was left with her 3 daughters. By the way, I think that's a lame excuse and again, her way to deflect away her guilt, by claiming her husband and 3 daughters are the reason she can't be a good friend to me. That's like me saying my nieces and nephews and siblings prevent me from being a good friend to my friends. It's just nonsense! And so selfish!

 

How can I know what she wants if she doesn't tell me, either? Which I think is her being passive aggressive, when she expects me to read her mind, and then lashes out at me for not knowing how to treat her or what to say, when she doesn't tell me to begin with. How can I possibly win?!

 

I never criticized or judged her for the way she got her husband (having an affair with him on and off for 3 years while he was married with children of his own), or how she dated other men and slept with them while she was dating her now husband. I don't call her everyday expecting her to be available. I have loads of acquaintances and a few (3) very close friends so my support system is spread out. I rely on different people for different needs. If she feels like I've dumped on her, she's never given me examples of it when it's happening. So how am I supposed to know what she's talking about?

 

I don't view a healthy friendship as one-sided; where one person is passive and does everything the other friend wants to avoid conflict. And that's how I perceive this 5 year friendship to be with this woman. Yes, I helped create that dynamic with her by being so passive. But I've been trying to alter that dynamic and achieve more balance by practicing to be more assertive with her, which just seems to make her more angry and threaten to end our friendship as she has before (2 years ago).

 

So, I feel like this is an opportunity for me to really take back some self-power for my sense of self, and stick up for myself, regardless of the outcome. But I don't want to act rashly and suffer the consequences of being foolish.

 

I want to respond to her email but I don't want to a) put myself in a weaker position by responding to her negative, antagonizing comments to me and b) leave it go and ignore it b/c I invested 5 years with this friend and I can't justify ending it via email. I think doing that is a cowardly way to end a friendship. I'd rather we meet in person, even if she refuses to be open to my feedback, because THEN I will have the opportunity to tell her: the good things I appreciate about her, transition to the negative things she does and how it affects me and our friendship, and suggest compromises we can both make (AGAIN, since this happened 2 years ago, when I chose to remain passive and concede my emotional needs just so she would take my phone calls when I called her, which now seems futile) if she is interested in at least remaining casual acquaintances. I'd rather keep her on the side as a casual acquaintance then completely cut her off b/c maybe she and I will both change in the future. Or maybe we will slowly just ease away from each other to the point of no contact.

 

I know I'm putting pressure on myself with regard to how to respond to her email, but the consequences are much larger and more negative for me personally if I do act rashly and type an angry response that addresses her antagonizing comments one by one. That will just validate to her that she was right about my character, and she's not right. She is in a position of expecting me to take care of her feelings - basically being an emotional receptacle for her - with no interest in giving me anything in return, which is very shallow and I think, selfish and narcissistic of her.

[Shindig]

I suppose it really depends on whether or not you want to continue being her friend. I don't think you'd be mulling it over this intensely (or submiting your quandry to this forum) if you didn't.

 

It sounds like you have healthy concepts of what friendship is, "right" and "wrong", and fairness. Think about how her behavior toward you and others around her fits to those concepts. Consider your reasons for wanting to preserve the friendship (correct me if I've misread you). Once you know that, it might be easier to decide what to do (and for us to counsel you).

[quankanne]

how about, "you're right. I'm horrible. Therefore, the only thing to do is to dissolve this relationship."

 

and remove or block her as necessary. If she continues to talk shxt about you, let her ... those who are your friends will understand that she has got some serious problems and will ignore what she says. Those who want to stir the pot, well ... just smile and say, "o-kay ... next topic?"

 

because nothing you do will ever be good enough for someone as fooked up as that, that kind of person will always look for a means to cut or bring you down.

[Jilly Bean]

Ignore it entirely.

 

If you don't, then you are condoning and encouraging the drama.

[KikiW]

I would really recommend ending your acquaintance with this woman. You clearly have tried to work with her on finding a common space and it seems to blow up in your face. She reads you one way, you read her another and you just aren't co-existing on the same plane... Sometimes people are just oil and water.

 

If you feel the need to write her (which I believe you do, being "writergal" )... Can you say something simple like "Listen, I think we've tried to be friends over the years but we are clearly not coming to a meeting of the minds. At this point I believe our relationship is simply causing us both more stress than it should. I wish you the very best in life, and will think of the good times we had very fondly."

 

It is a relationship ender while taking the VERY high road and you can face each other in passing without animosity. Any craziness on her part will be just that.

 

PS: There is nothing wrong with ending the friendship via email. You have tried everything you can, and seeing her in person will only create more drama. You need to end the drama, not encourage more of it. Be done and move on to better friends.

[Ronni_W]

Writer,

To me, you HAVE been sticking up for yourself all along, exactly by expressing your wants, needs and feelings in an assertive manner. Standing up for yourself is only about what you do, not about what the other person does in response.

 

Where you may have been letting yourself down is by banging your head against this brick wall for far too long. Sort of, it's not on her that you didn't accept who/what she has all along been demonstrating she is, and didn't dump her ass about 4.5 years ago.

 

I've been in a similar situation, but my take on those who kept me informed of what my "friend" was saying about me was different: I saw them as doing me a favour (forewarned is forearmed) and took it as a sign that they did not share her views and opinions of me. Actually, the people who did NOT tell me are the ones of whom I became suspicious.

 

I very much appreciated the ones who found the courage to tell me the truth. In my case, they definitely weren't deriving any pleasure from passing on the other's mean comments and were, in fact, very uncomfortable at having been put in the middle by the mutual "friend".

 

I'd suggest that those who are keeping you informed are likewise showing you their loyalty and support -- this woman has not ruined your reputation with them, she's only shown them who/what she is. IMO.