Should I tell him what I saw in his (sort-of) ex-girlfriend?

[tigressA]

I've been friends with this guy for over two years now; we were intimate for a time and that relationship evolved into a friendship. We hang out together and we can talk to each other about a lot. We give each other advice on our relationships and other things like that. Now I'm in a bind.

 

Last week my friend's girlfriend broke up with him, according to him "out of nowhere" even though they'd been fighting constantly for more than a month over "stupid ****"; she was treating him badly and being annoyed with every little thing he did. He told me that she talked to him later and regretted her decision and that they've been talking. He isn't sure what's going to happen with her now. I sent him a text message yesterday saying "Call me back when you can, I have something I wanted to tell you about". I was planning on telling him about my first meeting with his girlfriend on St. Patrick's Day. This is what I saw when I met her, being as objective as possible: She wasn't paying attention to him; she was all about her friends who were there with us. There was no affection from her to him--not even a hand-hold/grab or a big hug, and she was pretty tanked. At that point they'd been dating for 6 months. It was obvious to me that she wasn't very interested in him. I didn't say anything about it then but I felt so bad for him because he loves/loved her.

 

He hasn't called back yet to find out what I wanted to tell him, and I'm having second thoughts. No matter how objectively I put my observations to him, he could think I have ulterior motives because of our history together, which has been rather tumultuous at times. But then I think, "His reaction to it isn't my problem." I also thought that he could take it well, but then: "His relationship is not my problem. (But then, again, he was the one who vented to me about the breakup)." I want to help him. What's the better course of action: Tell him, or stay silent?

[dunstable]

I would not tell him your views about his ex-girlfriend. If he went to see a couples counselor, the counselor would not presume to take sides. You should not take sides either. If you do, there's a good chance you will lose his friendship.

[TaraMaiden]

Question both your own motivation and agenda when considering something of this kind....

Sometimes silence is the best speech of all.

Discuss your opinions of her only when he discusses it.

Then, try to remain understanding.

You see, we all have issues and agendas we bring to the table. And whilst you may view your friend as blameless and victim, it is never so cut and dried as that.....

She has her own story too.

She may well have many issues she does not even acknowledge or recognise.

That is her Pain.

 

So be supportive, but consider whether your comments would be Mindful - or meddling.

[Trialbyfire]

That's a pretty quick judgement to make, of one small incident. Not everyone wears their heart on their sleeve.

 

Unless you know her well enough to give a valid opinion over something that's truly significant like cheating, perhaps it's best to either wait for him to ask for your opinion or just say nothing at all.

[BUENG1]

I've been friends with this guy for over two years now; we were intimate for a time and that relationship evolved into a friendship. We hang out together and we can talk to each other about a lot. We give each other advice on our relationships and other things like that. Now I'm in a bind.

 

Last week my friend's girlfriend broke up with him, according to him "out of nowhere" even though they'd been fighting constantly for more than a month over "stupid ****"; she was treating him badly and being annoyed with every little thing he did. He told me that she talked to him later and regretted her decision and that they've been talking. He isn't sure what's going to happen with her now. I sent him a text message yesterday saying "Call me back when you can, I have something I wanted to tell you about". I was planning on telling him about my first meeting with his girlfriend on St. Patrick's Day. This is what I saw when I met her, being as objective as possible: She wasn't paying attention to him; she was all about her friends who were there with us. There was no affection from her to him--not even a hand-hold/grab or a big hug, and she was pretty tanked. At that point they'd been dating for 6 months. It was obvious to me that she wasn't very interested in him. I didn't say anything about it then but I felt so bad for him because he loves/loved her.

 

He hasn't called back yet to find out what I wanted to tell him, and I'm having second thoughts. No matter how objectively I put my observations to him, he could think I have ulterior motives because of our history together, which has been rather tumultuous at times. But then I think, "His reaction to it isn't my problem." I also thought that he could take it well, but then: "His relationship is not my problem. (But then, again, he was the one who vented to me about the breakup)." I want to help him. What's the better course of action: Tell him, or stay silent?

 

I would stay silent. He was there and aware what happened so thats his judgment to make. Unless you saw something he didn't see.

[tigressA]

Yeah, it's true, I only did meet her that one time, and of course there are people who just don't communicate their affection to their partner in public, but the whole thing just seemed unneccessarily cold to me is all.

 

After my friend and I had left the bar so he could drive me home, I had told him, "She seems nice...she adores you (based on a look I'd seen her giving him that I wasn't going to judge because hey, who knows, right?)." And he said, "Really? I don't think she does, at all. She was probably putting you on." I just wonder why he would even bother saying something like that. That just added to the sympathy I felt for him. So, I see your points about not telling him about my observations--taking sides, it was only a first meeting, etc--but would it be okay to ask him why he said that to me? It just seems like a very revealing incident. Truth be told, I wasn't surprised, after having heard that, that they ended up deteriorating.

[dunstable]

So, I see your points about not telling him about my observations--taking sides, it was only a first meeting, etc--but would it be okay to ask him why he said that to me? It just seems like a very revealing incident.

It sounds as if you want to question him on something he said some time ago in order to get a discussion going with him about his girlfriend. I would say it's not okay to ask that question because you are heading down the slippery slope of meddling in his relationship.

[tigressA]

It sounds as if you want to question him on something he said some time ago in order to get a discussion going with him about his girlfriend. I would say it's not okay to ask that question because you are heading down the slippery slope of meddling in his relationship.

 

Okay, that sounds good. I just won't say anything. I thought maybe that would be better because it's something more about him than his girlfriend--"And why do you say that?"--like what a counselor would do. But then again, I am not a counselor. He's my friend; we have a history together; I don't know his girlfriend. I'm very far from being objective. I'm one of those people who gets gut feelings about things and feels that I could help, but I have to learn that my gut feelings don't mean anything; only theirs do. If he wants to make the, based on my intuition, mistake of getting back together with her, then he has to realize that on his own; I can't help him. Doesn't help much that with my intuition I've been able to call all his other relationships ending; a few times I've wanted to shake him and say, "This is everything you're doing wrong". One of those guys who just hasn't had a lot of luck in relationships and you feel for them, you know? Especially when you're in a relationship yourself; you just want to help them be happy. But it is meddling, so I won't do it.

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, that sounds good. I just won't say anything. I thought maybe that would be better because it's something more about him than his girlfriend--"And why do you say that?"--like what a counselor would do. But then again, I am not a counselor. He's my friend; we have a history together; I don't know his girlfriend. I'm very far from being objective. I'm one of those people who gets gut feelings about things and feels that I could help, but I have to learn that my gut feelings don't mean anything; only theirs do. If he wants to make the, based on my intuition, mistake of getting back together with her, then he has to realize that on his own; I can't help him. Doesn't help much that with my intuition I've been able to call all his other relationships ending; a few times I've wanted to shake him and say, "This is everything you're doing wrong". One of those guys who just hasn't had a lot of luck in relationships and you feel for them, you know? Especially when you're in a relationship yourself; you just want to help them be happy. But it is meddling, so I won't do it.

We all do this with people we care about, want to protect. But we also have to realize that people who we don't like or prefer, might be the right combination for our friends/family members, since no one and many times the actual person themselves, will know what drives attraction or needs for them.

 

Having said that, she doesn't appear to have a destructive personality based on what you've posted. Unless you know more than that quick meeting, where who knows why she wasn't openly affectionate, you have nothing to go by, except what he has told you, which could easily bias and have biased your views towards her.

[girl68]

He didn't ask- you don't tell.

 

If you can casually work it in when consolling him. Maybe telling him that she didn't seem to have as much invested in their relationship as he did. He may ask you why you think that. THen you can be like well, when I first met her blah blah blah.

[dunstable]

Okay, that sounds good. I just won't say anything. I thought maybe that would be better because it's something more about him than his girlfriend--"And why do you say that?"--like what a counselor would do.

You could have asked that at the time but the moment has now passed, unless he brings it up again himself.

[tigressA]

We all do this with people we care about, want to protect. But we also have to realize that people who we don't like or prefer, might be the right combination for our friends/family members, since no one and many times the actual person themselves, will know what drives attraction or needs for them.

 

Having said that, she doesn't appear to have a destructive personality based on what you've posted. Unless you know more than that quick meeting, where who knows why she wasn't openly affectionate, you have nothing to go by, except what he has told you, which could easily bias and have biased your views towards her.

 

Well, it wasn't really "quick"; we were at the bar for over 2 hours and it was that way the entire time we were there. But I really don't know more than what I gathered from that experience so you're right; I have nothing to go by. He told me that they have "a lot" to work out "if" they're going to get back together but who knows what his definition of "a lot" is. Personally I think he has a lot of issues. He told me he started hanging out with his partner's friends much more often than his own (I hardly ever heard from him while he was with someone; several of our mutual friends have noticed this happening to them as well)--he has a habit of putting himself into his partner's life and then neglecting his own life/interests outside of the relationship, which doesn't seem healthy and could be a reason why none of his relationships have worked out well.