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Time-waster former colleague - sound familiar to anyone?


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There is a woman who left our company a few months ago, and is still in touch with the network of people who work there/have worked there. We were never super-close friends, but had worked in some of the same areas a few years back. A couple of years ago we'd gotten into a conversation that had led to one of us suggesting a drink. It quickly became apparent that she didn't seem to be able to commit to a time, and I was super-crazy-busy at the time...so I just dropped it. I am still a pretty busy person, and I really don't have time for people who can't deliver on a plan.

 

Fast forward two years, and she e-mailed me with a birthday message right around the date - which surprised me (as my birthday's not posted on any social site or anything). She then suggested going out for a drink. This was almost a month ago, and this morning for the fourth time she found a reason to postpone. Every reason has sounded legit - cat has cancer, she's sick with a cold, whatever. But there is a vibe that makes me say this woman does this to female friends as a way to keep them on call, so to speak. I am done with this routine, and will come up with something to get her to stop wasting my time. But I am interested in whether anyone else has ever encountered this type. She's well into her 30's - not a kid.

 

Thoughts? :bunny:

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tigerstripes

yes. she is either hiding something or is stringing you along. she's not worth your time. has she acknowledged her postponements as improper and reinforced her desire to spend time with you? i'm guessing she hasn't.

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She keeps apologizing, but the pattern continues. I am not sure who she reminds me of, but I have totally seen the behavior before...and two years ago I got the feeling that she was not going to come through after just one incident...hence my move away from her.

 

What I don't get is why she'd initiate a plan in the first place. It amazes me that anyone has the time and desire to engage in such unproductive activity...although when people fall for this kind of act it DOES produce what is known as narcissistic supply.

 

In any case, I've already let her know that I'm not available for the next few weeks. Hopefully she'll find someone else to bother in the interim.

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I recently went through something very similar. I've chosen to end the friendship. It was unhealthy for me, and very frustrating. It was a pretty one-sided friendship as well.

 

I was feeling rather disrespected by the constant excuses and canceled plans. I now accept that she is a flake.

 

If anything, listening to, and accepting, constant excuses from someone just reinforces and enables poor behavior.

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Trialbyfire

If she suggests another date, just say you're busy but for her to take care of herself, since so many things have been happening in her life.

 

You never know if you might encounter her again, through some work capacity. It's a small world out there.

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Thanks for the observations and suggestions. As I noted, she's still friends with plenty of people in my workplace, and the companies are both in the same field and geographically close...so she'll be around.

 

Trialbyfire, thanks for the verbiage should she show up again!

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Gala, sometimes people use "let's get together" in the same way some men will say "I'll call you." She may have just been saying this to you even knowing when she said it that she had no intention of following through.

 

Since she's always "so busy", you should just start being "busy" too. A person shouldn't ever have to chase someone around (I know you aren't) to go grab lunch or dinner to catch up. If she truly valued you and your friendship then she would make time for you.

 

It's better to semi- cut off people like this (just as you've done). Or rather don't make yourself easily available to them. Your time is valueable too!

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Again, what's weird is that I heard from her out of the blue and she suggested getting together. I suppose there are men out there who randomly call women to string them along in order to stoke their own egos, but I don't know any. In any case, I don't need to fake busy.

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