Jump to content

One-sided friendships -- fixable or no?


Ruby Slippers

Recommended Posts

Ruby Slippers

I try to be a good friend, and I think I am. But lately, I've been noticing that several of my friendships feel a little one-sided. When I meet up with a friend, I always ask something like "How are you?", "What's been going on?", etc. The friend will tell me what's up, ramble on for a while, then just kind of fall silent and we will transition into some activity or whatever. I think I am a good listener and advice-giver (if they want that), but I don't want that to be my only role in the friendship.

 

These few friends do not ask me anything like "How are you?" in return. Best case scenario, I will eventually find a conversational way in to get them up to speed on what I'm up to and tell a few stories of my own. But I think it's inconsiderate, and reflects poor conversation skills, that they do not open things up to me by actively inquiring about me and listening. I find it sad that I care enough to ask a simple "How are you?" and do not get the same in return.

 

Should I just let these friendships fade out, or is there something I can do to encourage a better balance?

Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden

Ask yourself what you seek in friendships, and whether you have successfully projected that. I suspect not.

 

You have projected the image of a reliable, trustworthy person, one who will listen to confidential matters, and absorb information, but whose reverse opinion or comment, is not really either necessary, or even sought.

in other words, it seems others see you as a passive receptacle in which to off-load.

 

People love nothing better than a captive audience when it comes to talking about themselves.

it is a satisfying cushion for the ego.

 

Develop the confidence to be able to comment constructively on what you receive.

 

Ask questions.

but skilful ones.

For example (and it is a general and vague one) if someone comes to you complaining that her husband is insensitive and does nothing round the house, ask her how long he has been like that, did she know this when they married or before, what does she think made him like this, how does she feel she can alter her own behaviour to her satisfaction, in order to change the situation?

 

You see, we cannot affect others, their responses or how they advance upon us.

The only matters we can control are those directly under our control.

And they begin with us, and how we think.

 

So if you don't like the way people interact with you - change it.

 

It's up to you.

But do it constructively, in a way that nourishes you, but maintains their connection also....

 

If you deal with you, they will then choose how to respond, and that's their prerogative.

 

You - are yours.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers
Develop the confidence to be able to comment constructively on what you receive.

I do that, and I also interject freely. What I feel is missing, though, is the other party showing me the respect of asking how I'm doing, too. To me, this is basic manners in any personal relationship.

 

I was thinking about it this evening. I have friendships in which the balance is more 50-50, some where it's more like 80-20 or 20-80. For me, the ideal friendship is 50-50. Equal and balanced. An equally contributory and mutually beneficial friendship.

 

But I'm sure the 80-20 people and the 20-80 people have their place, too. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraMaiden

Exactly so.

I don't know anybody whose freindships all level on the same ratio.

Life does not work like that.

Movers, shakers, givers, takers.

needy,independent, timid, feisty.

 

All different kinds of people. So really, what the issue is, is how you modify your approach and interaction with those whom you think give too little and take too much..

The ball is in your court..... :)

 

_/l\_

Link to post
Share on other sites

i agree

you cant control what other people do, but you can control how you interact with them.

dont let anyone push you around, let your feelings be known.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

Yeah, but how do you present that information?

 

My instincts tell me that if a friend doesn't care enough to ask how I am, habitually, to make the effort to engage me in conversation, it would be wise for me to let my investment and attachment to the friendship fade. In fact, this is what happens naturally.

 

Just as with romantic relationships, I don't think it works to request that a person show more interest and initiating behavior with you -- they're either interested and proactive, or they're not.

 

So, what would you suggest I do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
blind_otter

I don't know. I'm reading this book right now about anger, and one cognitive technique is to eliminate "should" from your expecations. According to you, these people should behave in a certain manner in order to indicate interest in you - they, however, cannot possibly think exactly like you do (since everyone is different, even siblings). So they may sincerely believe that they are expressing interest in you, but you aren't focusing or picking up on that behavior because you're fixated on your own expectations for how they should behave.

 

For example, some people (like myself) think that by offering up their time to spend with you, that expresses interest. To be honest with you - I don't think my mother ever asks me "how are you?" in a direct manner. But I know that she cares about me, and through the course of our conversations she does find out how I'm doing one way or another.

 

Sometimes I think it's hard to remember that other people don't have the same expecations of interactions that we do...and when you forget that, it can be easy to get irritated at how others behave.

 

I think that, if these friends have demonstrated that they care about you in other ways, you shouldn't end your friendships, but perhaps change your expectations. If they have not demonstrated any interest or support of you in a long time, and they are merely people that you socialize with, then it might be in your best interest to just stop accepting invitations to hang out with them. Only you know whether these friends are valuable enough to keep in your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

It could take many forms: "How are you?", "What's been going on?", "How was your day?", "What's on your mind?", "Whatever happened with X?", whatever.

 

This seems very basic to me. Am I unrealistic in expecting that? To me, it seems like the most basic foundation for any relationship: I want to let you in on my life and I want to be involved in yours, to whatever degree.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If the person is a friend to you and you share your friendship needs in a non-confrontational way, they should respond positively. If not, they simply are not your friend, not to be confused with you being their friend. That dynamic happens all the time. If that's OK with you and your needs are validated in other ways, continue. If you feel the friendship is unbalanced or unhealthy, end it. Billions of people in the world to be your friend and the time and energy you spend on an unsatisfying friendship might cause you to miss a truly meaningful one :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
It could take many forms: "How are you?", "What's been going on?", "How was your day?", "What's on your mind?", "Whatever happened with X?", whatever.

 

This seems very basic to me. Am I unrealistic in expecting that? To me, it seems like the most basic foundation for any relationship: I want to let you in on my life and I want to be involved in yours, to whatever degree.

 

Nope, this is totally realistic, and IMO, you are 100% correct for feeling like they're not keeping up their "interest level" of the friendship. These people simply sound like they don't give a sh*t about you and your life.

 

So what do you do? Do you really have to say, "Can you please show some interest in my life"? Even if you did, their subsequent inquiries would feel forced, and they would be forced.

 

IMO you should not call those friends for a while. Employ the same kind of technique as you would in a relationship - NC. If they do give a sh*t about you, you'll find out when they come calling, finally asking, "How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
Jordanjames

I agree with what another poster said all we can do is control our own behaviour we cannot control another person's behaviour. The NC rule is a good one it is for our own personal healing. NC is important because it demonstrates taking action. I tried to communicate several times to this guy that I would like to hear from him. You know I would like him to call and say "how are you?", "What have you been up to?" I mean I was the one always calling him.

 

I went to NC because I felt I had to take action with a certain guy that I can't call a friend because we aren't anymore. I saw this guy on his birthday about a month ago I made the effort to spend time with him we went to dinner. Sure he called me on the day of his birthday because he was benefitting. However, after the birthday did not hear from him. I just went NC because prior to his birthday for an entire month I was the one doing all the contacting first and I am sick of it. A friendship is a two way street not a one way street. He doesn't care about me and I don't care about him anymore. I am glad I just got him a birthday card and that's it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

Yeah, I have been doing that with this one friend. I never call her anymore. Of course, when she calls me, she just goes on and on and on about all her crap and rarely gets around to asking how I am. Lately, I just cut calls with her short. I feel a little bit bad for not saying anything about it, though, because when we first started getting closer as friends, we agreed we would always tell each other when something is bothering us. Hrm.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Trialbyfire

In order for friends to know what you need, you have to tell them. Have a sit-down with this friend and without accusations, if possible, explain to her what you need from her. Her reaction will drive your next step, whether it's to sever the friendship or she steps up to the plate.

 

What have you got to lose?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

The friend who is the worst about this called me tonight. She could tell something was on my mind, and she asked about it. I told her what was bothering me. She started crying and told me about some personal stuff going on, which sheds light on her behavior. Then she said, "If you want to dump me again, just go ahead and do it." :confused:

 

After the first few times she and I hung out, I got out of touch, due to some stuff I had going on. I explained that had nothing to do with her and apologized for not keeping in better touch at the time. I said I had no idea she was hurt by that, and I hope that if she feels that way in the future, she'll speak up.

 

She said she was sorry for the recent behavior, and then right away she asked me some specific questions about what I've been doing lately. We had a good talk, and we reinforced our agreement to tell each other when something is bothering us.

 

She has referred to me as her "best friend" numerous times, and I have never called her that, since I don't really pick "best friends". I have several close friends that I've known for years, and I don't play favorites. But I did let her know that I am committed to a lifelong friendship, and said that communication is essential to any healthy relationship. I'm glad I told her what was on my mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ruby, that's fantastic. I hope you feel a bit relieved. I don't have to tell you, though, that some people only become repentant when they fear losing something/someone, so this could all just be a fleeting expression of guilt from her.

 

Please be careful about trusting her too much right now. Allow her to rebuild it through inquiries about you. Let HER call YOU for a while.

 

Best of luck.

 

-k

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

I will definitely do that.

 

Mostly it was good for me to see that it had nothing to do with me. I was starting to think that maybe an undesirable pattern was forming, but I am convinced her behavior was mostly rooted in her own stress and problems lately.

 

When I look at the big picture, I can see that things have been pretty well balanced. The one-sided dynamic has only arisen in recent months, and given what's going on in her life, it makes sense.

 

But I will be very aware of things moving forward. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Ruby Slippers

Just wanted to follow up... turns out my landline voicemail was messed up and I haven't been getting my messages on that line for the past few weeks!!! This certainly sheds light on things. I just listened to them all, and had numerous messages from friends (the ones who don't think to call my cell phone) inviting me to do things -- which I never got! In a few of them, they specifically asked how I'm doing, etc. :o

 

I let them know I wasn't blowing them off, and we straightened everything out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...