Blade16 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hi, I've been friends with this girl for about a half a year, but she keeps cancelling on me. Over the last couple of months we had planned something 4 or 5 times but each time she cancelled at the last moment. Her reasons did seem valid. I'm not sure if she doesn't really want to hang out with me, but she's afraid to hurt my feelings. Why would she than suggest it to me in the first place? She asked me most of the time. Am I overthinking or maybe she doesn't even realize it? There were a couple of weeks between each time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 The next time she invites you out, say something like, "I'd really like to get together with you but I'm afraid you're just gonna cancel on me again, and I'm afraid that there's some kinda 'bigger' message behind all the past cancellations that I'm just not getting." Your friend is the ONLY person who can really tell you what is actually going on. Personally, I'd probably just choose to write-off anybody who would do that to me that consistently and often, no matter how "valid' an excuse they can keep coming up with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Thanks Ronni, I thought about stopping to contact her but the problem is that I really like her. We have a lot in common and she is the first girl that I'm friends with. It is pretty annoying because the last time I actually expected her to cancel again and she did. I did text her yesterday if she doesn't really want to hang out with me that she could just tell me cause I don't want to bother her. She hasn't replied yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 It's not a good sign. I hate to say it but by sending the last text she will probably turn it around on you like you are a bad guy for calling her out. My guess is she was not sure what she wanted with you and had some interest, but not a lot. She was obviously in the wrong, but I bet she uses your last text to justify her actions. She may feel bad for cancelling but to you she'll act surprised you would send a text like that. If she does ever ask you out again, just tell her you're not sure what you are doing but you are interested and she can call you that night and you might be free. That way if she doesn't call, no big deal but if she does it will make it an, "I'll meet you there in 15 minutes" type thing which will be hard to get out of on her end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 I didn't actually use those words in my text (English is not my first language) so I might have translated it wrong here. I basicly said that our friendship means a lot to me but I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. That's not really calling her out, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 She cancels because you are not as high on her priority list as she is on yours. I think a more clear message to send instead of a mildly passive aggressive "well, you are probably going to just cancel on me" would be to simply stop asking her to go places, period. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I've been friends with this girl for about a half a year, but she keeps cancelling on me. Over the last couple of months we had planned something 4 or 5 times but each time she cancelled at the last moment. my advice is seek some other girl who will actually go out with you...this one is wasting you time Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Thanks for all of your replies. She has a boyfriend so I know we can just be friends. I texted her cause I thought she might be worried about giving me the wrong impression. I guess I'm not that important to her and she probably doesn't even realize that she cancells on me all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Tell me about her other male friends. It's possible that she has a stable of back-burner boyfriends and your position in the stable determines the energy and time she puts into you. I call this the BBD theory (bigger, better deal). I'd probably put my energies elsewhere... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Share Posted May 25, 2009 I don't know any of her other male friends (she probably has some) and have never met her boyfriend. I think I'm the only guy she hangs out with in school. When I see her she's always with the same group of girls, never with another guy. Your theory might be right because our friendship started out kinda weird, she came up to me and showed interest (we never really had any contact before) so I was suprised to find out that she has a boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Blade, It could just be that she recognizes you for the likable and personable person who you are, and admires and respects you as a friend. Women want, need and appreciate positive and uplifting male friends so there is NO NEED to beat-up on your own self-esteem about that. It's also unnecessary to put any negative spin on her behaviour -- she appreciates, respects and admires you for your positive qualities...so why wouldn't she like you to be her friend? Don't sell yourself or her short due to other people's messed up relationship experiences, would be my advice to you. Keep control of your own self-esteem and self-confidence, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Share Posted May 25, 2009 Thanks a lot for the advice Ronni. Probably just thinking about it too much. I do regret sending her that text, she might think that I'm mad at her. I just wanted to tell her not to worry about hurting my feelings if she doesn't really want to hang out. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Heres my 2 cents : Always have a backup plan~ B , that includes friends or romantic date interests. If they don't show , then you have alternate plans. Anyone that cancels more than 2 TIMES needs to be put in the same spot they put you : Number 2 or 3 or 4... When they don't show , learn to to shrug it off, otherwise if you show much upset ( and they really don't care much about you ) then it becomes a game of disrespect. In her mind she could give a rats patoot about you and its no big deal to crush you over and over. NEVER give someone that kind of power. Once or twice then STOP accepting anything they ask you to. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Blade, It could just be that she recognizes you for the likable and personable person who you are, and admires and respects you as a friend. Women want, need and appreciate positive and uplifting male friends so there is NO NEED to beat-up on your own self-esteem about that. It's also unnecessary to put any negative spin on her behaviour -- she appreciates, respects and admires you for your positive qualities...so why wouldn't she like you to be her friend? Don't sell yourself or her short due to other people's messed up relationship experiences, would be my advice to you. Keep control of your own self-esteem and self-confidence, yes? This would be fine if she actually was being a friend to him. A friend would not disrespect you, as she has done, so, I would put distance from her and quit asking to hang out. She clearly doesn't value your friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Yamaha, yes, I suggested much earlier in the thread that I would be writing-off anybody who treated ME that way -- I agree that Blade needs to make some assessments and decisions about what would be in his own best interest. My point in the post that you quoted was about Blade staying aware of and being cautious of opinions and "advice" that could be detrimental to his own self-esteem and self-confidence -- it is one thing to make your own unwise choices that will kill your self-esteem...it is another thing to listen to people and then let what THEY are saying kill your self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
daring Posted May 25, 2009 Share Posted May 25, 2009 Try testing her out. Deliberately show some lack of interest in her, which should be apparent to her. If she will have feelings she will have troubles with it and would come back to you. So better watch out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
winter Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I recently went through something very similar. I've chosen to end the friendship. It was unhealthy for me, and very frustrating. It was a pretty one-sided friendship as well. I was feeling rather disrespected by the constant excuses and canceled plans. I now accept that she is a flake. If anything, listening to, and accepting, constant excuses from someone just reinforces and enables poor behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 OP, you're probably just easier to communicate with over texts and on the internet. But in real life you're probably not as interesting or as exciting as she would think you are. She keeps you around because she knows that you made her a priority, that's why she treats you thus. You're always the one to contact her and make plans, and gullible enough to accept her excuses. How about you back off and live your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade16 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Share Posted June 7, 2009 Last week we studied together. She explained to me again why she cancelled last time, she's really busy with her job and school. (we're both doing our exams right now) I don't really text her that much, maybe once a week and that's most of the time just a short message. We don't communicate on the internet cause I actually never do that also with any of my other friends. We only talk a lot when we see each other. I think the problem is that I made her too important to me. She is the only girl in my life right now. So I guess were friends, but not really close friends. She's nice to talk to but outside of school I'll leave most of the contact up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
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