Friend secretly dating my ex

[dharris27]

My ex and I broke up about two years ago. It was a big intense relationship for us both and was about 2 years long. I ended up breaking up with him due to many issues - he was able to lie, ignore me at social gatherings, snap at me when not needed, and had sever social anxiety issues that made our social life impossible together. Outside this stuff he did have some really great qualities as well and was very charming, talented, smart ect. So, i'm not a total looser for dating him...hehe. I was actually very in love with him but smart enough to know i could do better.

 

Our breakup was really bad. He begged for me back for a long time, as he always did when i wanted to get out. He wanted to move in and get married i guess, these things seemed hard for me to imagine granted the issues we had. I dunno, i got out.

 

He found another girlfriend almost immediately and i am still single - i have dated a lot, just not found anyone to settle down with. He and the girl he ran to next broke up about five months ago because she wanted to get married and he wasn't ready. Clearly some sort of re-bound girl.

 

Within all this, i made a lot of new friends because i had the time. I had been very lonely but luckily met some good people - especially girls. One of them was going through a bad breakup depression when i met her and i'd say we kind of bonded over our ****ty ex's. Her ex was pretty awful, maybe worse than mine, and they'd been together four years. Therefore, she and I know almost all intimate details of our ex's.

 

Recently, she kind of went off radar for a minute - i was busy trying to graduate but i still wondered why the distance. One day on instant messenger she finds the guts to tell me she'd been persuing my ex for the past month and that they liked each other. The catch is, she, him, and myself all run in the same small social circle - he's never been man enough to hardly do more than wave at me - so we have never learned to be friends and generally i loath him for being so inhuman. She knows all this too. This was incredibally shocking as we've ranted an raved together about how wrong he was for ever being so cruel to me and then dragging me throug unresolved breakup issues for the past years.

 

When she told me i immediately told her i was not okay with it, and asked "what if i had done this with her ex?" She exclaimed that would never be okay and immediately apologized and started calling herself an ******* and confessing suddenly how real it was what she was doing and how it wasn't worth our friendship at all - but she could understand why i wouldn't want to be friends with her. Clearly, she knew this was wrong or she would have told me sooner she and many of our friends have agreed. Granted she and him only really talked for a month, it seemed way past the deadline for telling me.

 

I'm honestly just very hurt. More so exhausted by the affect he has in my life and his ability to charmingly get away with everything. I'm nervous i can't trust my friend any more. She told me she would stop talking to him right away and now has tried to hang out with me every night since - feels a lot of guilt ect. However, i told her that night over a couple beers that i would not tell her what to do and not to be friends with him, basically being a good friend and letting her make the right decisions. I worry they still talk though as i felt her face some how light up when i said that.

 

Our mutual friends have tried to remind me how depressed and lonely she has been for a long time, and i do know that as well. She spends many nights drinking and reading alone and doesn't have the greatest self esteem. I dunno, what i should feel. I told her i forgave her but i'm still so grossed out either of them would do that. Was i too easy to forgive her? Should i just go with it and shrug it off knowing they are both kind of low self esteem people who are lonely? Ugh, so awkward.

[NoIDidn't]

I can't say that I ascribe to your view that your ex is off limits to a friend.

 

When I started dating my now-H, I did tell his ex (a friend of mine) that we had started dating. They broke up over a year before and there wasn't any cheating between us ever, so I didn't see the big deal. That, and she wasn't a particularly close friend either.

 

If they are happy together, is it so bad? Or do you have to feel like you still have a say in his life? Just asking. Considering you didn't marry him, I don't see a problem with them dating (and possibly marrying).

 

I say definitely shrug it off as they may just be made for each other. In time, it won't be so awkward.

[dharris27]

I can see where you are coming from.

 

The difference being, she and i are very close.

 

She would never let me do the same to her if i liked her ex. She would terminate our friendship as she's told me.

 

He has suggested i'm off limits to any of his friends.

 

And she's told me she didn't feel any deep connection, that she basically just wanted someone to like.

 

Also, he asked her to talk to me about it so he also feels weird about it,

 

Lastly, it would destroy our friendship as he's never learned to be civil with me thus we could never three hang out.

 

Also, they have only known each other for nearly three weeks...if they already have this much aprahension about it, i don't think it's really weird for me to feel awkward as well.

[Trialbyfire]

she finds the guts to tell me she'd been persuing my ex for the past month

After you spilled your guts to her, she goes and starts pursuing your ex? It's one thing if he pursued her and another to use the knowledge you gave her about him, to leverage her way into a relationship with him.

 

Piss poor ethical boundaries, opportunism and all around bad taste. I would have dumped her on her sorry arse without a chance.

[NoIDidn't]

I can see where you are coming from.

 

The difference being, she and i are very close.

 

She would never let me do the same to her if i liked her ex. She would terminate our friendship as she's told me.

 

He has suggested i'm off limits to any of his friends.

 

And she's told me she didn't feel any deep connection, that she basically just wanted someone to like.

 

Also, he asked her to talk to me about it so he also feels weird about it,

 

Lastly, it would destroy our friendship as he's never learned to be civil with me thus we could never three hang out.

 

Also, they have only known each other for nearly three weeks...if they already have this much aprahension about it, i don't think it's really weird for me to feel awkward as well.

 

 

Yeah, the closeness of the friendship is what determines dating an ex for me.

 

They've only known each other for three weeks?!!! Wow. You did a great job of keeping your friendships separate from the guy you were dating, then.

 

And the hypocrisy in his stance suggests that he's just using her to get at you.

 

Be careful. This thing doesn't sound like it will last for long.

[burningashes]

Yup, been through a similiar situation to yours. I turned to my friend for a shoulder to cry on after being dumped by my ex who I dated for 7 years. We talked and went over what went wrong in the relationship and all that. She was the one I went to for advice, because she supposedly was his best friend. After 7 years, I considered her my good friend, because we hung out without my then boyfriend on our own time, we had our own relationship. About two months later after the break up, I had called some people (my ex and the friend included) to come together for some pool and wings. My ex informed me that he slept with my friend and they were dating now.

 

Keep in mind, I was STILL sleeping with my ex after we broke up, (Yeah, I was that stupid.) so naturally, I got very upset and left. I felt betrayed by my friend, who was also my confidate and also with the ex, for sleeping with me while he was banging my friend. And the kicker is, the friend didn't know I was still sleeping with my ex and found out shortly after the incident at the bar. It was a horrible experience for me, it took me a very long time to get over. I would NEVER date a friend's ex, because I value our friendship, it's not worth ruining over an ex. Even if it didn't ruin it, it definitely changes the dynamics of everything.

 

Since then, I haven't kept in touch with them, but I'm not angry anymore. I guess, I can't really blame them for falling for each other, but how they handled the situation was horrible. Look at how they're handling the situation. At least your friend tried to be honest with you, and apologized when you told her how you felt. She seems to be at least trying to be geninue, but like TBF says, if you feel like she is being an opportunist to get together with your ex, dump her.

[SoulSearch_CO]

sleeping with me while he was banging my friend. And the kicker is, the friend didn't know I was still sleeping with my ex and found out shortly after the incident at the bar.

Ewwwwwww. HAHAHAHA...I'm sorry - I'm not laughing at YOU. I'm laughing that this degree of scum bag (your ex) exists on the planet, and that he manages to bag more than one girl at a time.

 

I find it pretty damn poor taste that this girl gets all the 411 about your ex and then goes and pursues him. Skankeriffic.

[dharris27]

Thanks guys. This helps to at least validate my anger over it, or really disappointment.

 

Knowing her and him it seems very feasible this would happen, in retro-spect. He's very needy and likes mommy types and she's very lonely and is use to boys she has to take care of.

 

he is also very flattering (maybe mildly manipulative) and such with pursuit, as I'd know from my own experience. If someone has been so down such as her, a guy like him would only seem like a wonderful fix.

 

Eh, i will try not to harp. Only time will tell if she's the true friend and keeps her word to not go through with it. If anything, i need to remember to keep my head about it regardless of what happens, as i know i did the right thing.

 

In all honesty, it's a very undesirable trait to dictate another persons life, and that is something i would never do to anyone...so I'm trying my best to do what's right here.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with the same. This certainly is not fun.

[burningashes]

Ewwwwwww. HAHAHAHA...I'm sorry - I'm not laughing at YOU. I'm laughing that this degree of scum bag (your ex) exists on the planet, and that he manages to bag more than one girl at a time.

 

I find it pretty damn poor taste that this girl gets all the 411 about your ex and then goes and pursues him. Skankeriffic.

 

I know I was sooo pissed off.

 

dharris, you told your friend how you felt. The rest is up to her, and remember, you really have no say in whether they get to date or not, because techinically, you are not with your ex and he's fair game. It's a question of whether she values her friendship with you, and how she handles the whole thing if they do end up dating. I would have wanted my friend/ex to be honest with me right from the start, but they denied left and right that they didn't have a thing for each other when I asked. I would probably have been upset, but I would have gotten over it. That would have a much better outcome than how things went down.

 

Keep us updated and keep posting if you need to, we're here for you!

[dharris27]

After a month of extreme hot and cold behavior from my friend I started getting weary she was still talking to my ex. Somtimes she would be really lovey and sometimes really cold. If he was in the room she'd be all over me. In private or with friends though she was being snarky with me.

 

One night out I run into her and a bunch of friends. She will barely look at me or talk to me. Even though we'd just spent the whole weekend hanging out. She's being nice to everyone with me. She's feverishly texting someone at 3 a.m. and laughing and hiding her phone. I knew it was him. And it turns out i was right. Out of no where, after I try to start asking her how she is she gets up and storms away telling our friend "Let's go." in a demanding voice. I'm totally confused. I ask another friend what's going on with this girl and she denies knowing anything.

 

I knew though, in my bones, it was about my ex. This is how she was acting before and I didn't deserve to be treated like this by someone who cried on my shoulder about her ex and tried so hard to hang out with me every day. I went home and was really upset and wierded out. I did nothing wrong.

 

She calls me a couple days later and tells me she would have to date him and that she wished I'd never dated him. She even has the nerve to tell me I can call her and make sure she and him aren't were I'm headed when it comes to mutual friends...are you kidding me? She had the nerve to then tell me how wonderful i was and she'd hate loosing me...does a friend who wants to keep you around act the way she did? I think not. All this to make herself feel less bad.

 

I had no Idea how selfish this friend of mine was...until i found out she'd actually been having sex with him for months and all my friends knew but me. They begged her to talk to me or cut it off with him. One of our mutual friends called me outragged when she heard the news of the betrayle and even declared that she would have to stand up to this girl and tell her how awful she was being. This girl has lost a few friends since all of this news has hit the public.

 

Apparently she was just using him for sex at first and then decided she like him. All the while lieing to me to my face about all kinds of things and never told me the whole truth. She lied to others about this too.

 

Here's the icing on the cake though: I took her to my friend's party a week beforehand (all the while she's screwing my ex) and she decides to seduce and sleep with my friend's boyfriend that night. Homewrecking their relationship too.

 

I'm sooo freaked out this girl is so low. I was so embarassed I brought her to that party. God, this is awful.

 

I feel sorry for the both of them. They deserve each other. I ended the friendship with her. I deserve so much better than to hang with a low rent person such as her.